It has really been crazy these past few weeks. I feel like I’m part of a teenage novel.

Ever since that farewell dinner for Edwin, I’ve gotten quite close to him through WhatsApp. As I’ve mentioned in the previous post, we have shared to each other our crushes and ever since then, we would chat every day. Since I thought I was not going to see him anymore, I was free to admit whatever I wanted and he did the same with me.

BUT. That same week (just this past Wednesday), he attended the practice one last time. I was overjoyed at first because I thought the last time I would see him was that Sunday, but then it suddenly hit me… I admitted to him that I was a little interested in Gabriel and because of that he is now shipping us too damn much. What am I supposed to do when Gabriel was coming to practice too? I knew Edwin would obviously eye the both of us together at some point. And so I couldn’t even look at Gabriel fearing Edwin would smirk at us. But anyway, I was relieved that he came because that meant I wouldn’t have to be the one mentoring Jonathan (new keyboardist) for now. I was playing guitar already so I had other things to manage. And I was also happy that I wouldn’t be going home alone with Joslin. It’s just too awkward if it was just Joslin and me. I can’t even understand what that guy says most of the time because he doesn’t open his mouth properly when he talks.

While Edwin and I were walking through the underpass near my home, he was again talking about me and Gabriel. One thing I remember in particular was him saying that the only thing that didn’t match was our height. I agree with him on that one. I mean Gabriel is basically a tower. I’m assuming he’s as tall as Kwangsoo. And what am I? I’m probably as small as TaeYeon. That’s why I can’t fully have a crush on that guy. I can’t even see his face when he’s standing. Besides, the more Edwin teases me about him, the more I lose interest XD

Anyway, during the taxi ride home, Edwin said that he was gonna miss us (again) and I said that I was gonna miss him too. I told him that I was really happy he came because I wouldn’t have to be the one teaching Jonathan. From that conversation, somehow Joslin told me something that stuck with me too much. He told me to stop being so harsh with new comers. I get where that come from because I truly do have a bit of a temper when I want people to do well. But then he also apparently came to the conclusion that some members stopped coming just because of me. Whether it was true or not, or whether it was just because I shower him with teachings more than anyone else, I took it way too personally. I couldn’t care less if that was true for Caesius, but for Calvin? To be honest, all that I ever blow up on is John and Caesius. With the rest, I just try my best to teach them so that they wouldn’t ruin the band’s flow, but I don’t blow up. So I don’t get why Prasanna would suddenly blame me for a member not coming anymore. What happened to the reasons about school? Everyone is always so busy. If anyone stopped coming just because of me, then were they even here to serve God?

With my weak and sensitive heart, the thought of people quitting just because I wanted them to do better really messed me up. I thought maybe I’m doing something wrong. But then I thought I am just trying my best to help and it’s all for the future of this band. I’m not at all being harsh to anyone. I don’t want anyone to think I’m abusing them. And so I felt absolutely tired at the thought of being a leader or a sunbae that I was yet again at the edge of giving up. Then I thought, “No, not these depressing thoughts again.” I just couldn’t take it so… I asked Edwin if I was intimidating. He said that he didn’t know about what others think, but to him, I wasn’t intimidating and that I was a legend. He said that I say what’s wrong to help him improve. He also said that he actually respected what I do.

When he said that, I started crying.

I sent him the TToTT emoji and he asked what was wrong. I told him that it was just so hard being a leader. So he encouraged me to have more faith and pray about it and that I’ll do good. I told him that I don’t really say much when people do well but I feel like I point the wrong things too quickly. And he said that I just wanted to help out and that I don’t complement them just to be good, but because I want them to do even better or to be at their best. And I…  I was just so touched.

I already knew that he would say things like that because that’s what I believed I was doing, but it still made me so damn emotional. No one has ever actually said that to me and I guess it was what I needed to hear at that moment. It was what I needed to hear after all this time…

I honestly never even wanted to be a leader, but I knew I needed to be a leader. Since I’m a 5 foot tall girl, I feel as if people won’t take me seriously unless I actually prove that I’m above everyone else so I did. I learned all basic band instruments and determined to have intermediate understanding with each one. I wanted to prove that God can use me. I wanted to prove that God can use a small Asian girl. I wanted to prove to myself that I can pass on my knowledge instead of leaving the band to chaotically play on its own.

And I guess I kind of got my teaching style from how I learned to strum. I remember my sister kept on scolding me telling me that I’m not doing it right, and I wanted to prove her wrong. And now I actually thank her for everything she said because I was able to have such a passionate desire to be even better than what I think I’m already good at.

The night after that Wednesday, Edwin messaged me continuously since I didn’t see it right away. He was calling out my name in caps lock and panicking about something and he said if I could do him a favor.

“I need a favor”
“Can u do me a favor”

*13 mins later*

“Can u pls tell Christelle tht I liked her n stuff”
“Cuz I wasn’t brave enuf”
“Yes I admit it”
“I wasn’t brave enuf”
“Can u pls tell her”

I was shocked. He said that he would admit his feelings when the time is right, but now he’s asking me to do it for him? I mean yeah, I get that he’s leaving that exact night so obviously he won’t ever have the time to ever say that to her face-to-face. But I’m assuming he was able to see Christelle that same day and had all the time in the world but as he said, he wasn’t brave enuf.

So there he was saying I should say it to Christelle tomorrow and I’m here panicking as well. Apparently I was the only one who ever knew this secret of his and he trusts me with it. He doesn’t want anyone else knowing. So how the hell was I to break it to her? Christelle and I haven’t actually had a one-on-one conversation for quite a while now. We used to admit our thoughts when it was just the two of us riding the taxi together, but for a long time now we always went home with a full taxi.

So I wondered if I could take her to Al Wahda mall with me and I could break it to her there or on the taxi ride, but apparently she had to stay at church to prepare for the youth mission trip. Even though there was no other way to be with her alone any time soon, I figured I had to say it as soon as possible since Edwin trusted me to do this. So when Prasanna finally reached his introverted limit and wanted to go home (since he’ll ride with me, Gabe, and Gabe’s brother), as we prepared to leave, I took Christelle to a corner. I have been telling her since morning that I had something important to tell her. And apparently Edwin has told her that I had something important to tell her, so I’m sure she must’ve been curious about that. I knew I just had to be quick and leave her to think whatever she wants. So I took a deep breath and pointed to myself saying, “Imagine me as Edwin right now.”

She was like, “Okay…?”

I stared at her straight at the eye and I said, “I like you.”

AND MAN, I CAN NEVER FORGET HER REACTION. For a few seconds, I saw her eyes tremble as she looked absolutely petrified by what I just said. She looked sad, horrified, confused, and weirded out.

“Oh no… Since when?”

“Since back then,” I answered.

“What back then?” she was so shook by the news that I felt myself going red. She asked me since when did I know and I told her Edwin told me on that night of the farewell dinner. It took her a few seconds of awkward facial expressions until she finally said that he only saw him as a friend. I oddly felt my heart sinking when she said that but oh well, I expected it. It was the obvious answer. Even Edwin expected that. Poor Edwin. But I wonder what Christelle must be feeling? How cruel it is for him to admit his feelings right when they can’t talk it out face-to-face. And he just made it awkward between the both of them when their friendship was going so well.

The next day, it seemed like Christelle tried to stay friends with him, casually asking how he was in India. It’s obvious that she didn’t want to break up their friendship because of that. I find that really endearing. But now that she’s trying to stay friends with him, Edwin imagined them meeting in college again or something or she’d be working under him or vice versa. It seems like he still have high hopes that she will develop feelings for him, but I doubted it. I wanted to tell him that if he loves her, he will have to learn how to let her go if ever she does not share the same feeling, but I remembered I didn’t have to say that. He always thought that Christelle has a crush on John’s younger brother John (yeah they’re both Johns) and always tries to let her admit it (btw something I wish wasn’t true cuz the John bros are just eghh). I guess he was basically ready for it–to ship her with someone else. But still, poor guy.

Oh, and apparently he hates it when people call him “bro”. He told me to stop calling him that just a few days before. I didn’t know why he detests it so much but I now know why. That Saturday (when Christelle’s trying to stay friends with him), he sent me a screencap of Chrsitelle who kept calling him bro. “Y does she always call me bro???” He said along with 6 TToTT emojis. He was brotherzoned. I’m assuming that must hurt more than friendzone! XD

I wonder, though… Do I have a good sense in guessing if someone is interested in someone? I mean it all started with Caesius and Jessica always hanging around each other which resulted to that cheesy beach dance… that ship didn’t exactly last. But I did have a feeling that there was something about Nithin and Jessica before I even knew that they were actually dating.

With Edwin and Christelle’s case, I was just shipping them without much thought. I just thought they looked like a couple when they always argued with each other. They always argued about helping one another. When Christelle insists on contributing for the taxi fare, Edwin would never let her and they’d argue about that. When Christelle wants to help him carry his keyboard stand for him, Edwin would barely let her help and they would again argue about that. Basically, they just argued most of the time, and they always teased each other. When they’re talking to each other, I just find myself staring at them with a smile. I often pointed out with a smirk that they were always arguing. I guess I was shipping them that way, and Edwin caught me. I honestly didn’t even realize I was shipping them until he told me in the taxi to stop shipping them. I guess I’m sure know why he even brought it up in the first place. He knew Christelle doesn’t look at him the same way he looks at her.

Now that I think about it, Edwin always tried to be nice to her. I remember that night of the farewell dinner, Christelle didn’t eat and Edwin kept insisting she should at least get a chicken strip from him. She kept insisting she wasn’t hungry but Edwin just kept arguing (again) with her to take one. Seriously, they were already like a married couple because of all the arguing. But anyway, I was right between them at that moment. I didn’t even know then that he had a crush on her, but I totally felt Edwin’s real heart at that moment and that he was just caring for her. It blows my mind how Christelle only finds him as friend after all things I’ve been catching Edwin do for her.

Since I also cared for her, I wanted her to eat, too.  I had to step up and say that she should take at least a small piece. She still argued that she wasn’t hungry, but I just said that I’m older and that she should obey me, and that finally made her eat a small piece.

Anyway, teenage relationships are actually still so weird to me. I don’t get how teens manage to start them… Or I mean, yeah, I get how they start them but to me, it feels like such a big risk to jump into one at this age. Even when I imagined being with Gabriel at some point, I can’t fully put myself up for it because all this young love just doesn’t seem all that wise. I mean, yeah, feelings can’t be helped sometimes, but I guess I have this strong mentality that I can’t date unless I can fare off by myself without the help of my parents. And I can’t confess my love to someone unless I’m absolutely sure about what I feel and absolutely sure that we’re on the same page. So in the meantime, I’ll learn from the love stories of those around me until it is the right time I can get into it.

In the famous words of Hyorin:


A Good Bye

Remember the prediction of how my year will go back in December 31, 2016 to January 1? How there were fireworks, but when it ended, I felt a little melancholy? Yeah, uh, I think that just happened these past few weeks.

Last Friday was Illuminate. The whole day was definitely full of fireworks. To start off, I played the tambourine for the very first time! Now what am I doing with that when I could play other instruments? Was I playing the cahon? How could I be degraded to such a small and simple instrument? Actually, I still played the bass. I just had the tambourine under my right foot for two songs because we wanted it for Build Your Kingdom Here. No one else would do it so I decided to try out. So I guess that’s another addition to the list of things I could do in the band: playing bass and tambourine at the same time. However, since I had kind of a weak balance with my foot on the tambourine, playing the ever so complicated bass line for Build Your Kingdom was kind of torture. Don’t get me wrong, it was a good and satisfying torture hahaha… but gosh if only I had raised my strap a little higher so that my arm wouldn’t get so stiff…

After Wildfire, we had to wait till’ 3:30 with the younger group so a lot of people were in the room while we jammed. Jonathan was so amazed by how smooth my bass is while I taught him how to play Alive by Hillsong. Meanwhile I was on the cahon playing along to whatever song that plays. Then after that, I played the bass line for Charlie Puth’s Attention and a lot of the people there were amazed that I could play that. Some girl even told me to play it again just so that she could take a video of it.

After we packed up the equipment, we went to Nardeen (youth leader’s house that was on the same floor) to pass time as we wait for the buses to arrive.

At that time I was already low on energy that I knew I had to get some rest somehow. So I just sat at a chair and covered my face with my Line Bear mask. Since Chris had another game other than the board game Nardeen was going to play, a lot of people decided to move back to the youth room. Among those people, the same girl who took a video of me noticed it on the way out and asked if I was a Kpop fan and I said yes. Then she asked who my favorite band was and I just showed her my Girls’ Generation bracelet… to which she immediately says, “Oh, I’m only into boygroups.” And then immediately leaves. I don’t know if I’m thinking way into this, maybe I am, but it seemed like she immediately shut me out knowing my favorite was the queen of girl groups and not any boy group. Does she think I’m not into boy groups just because GG is my favorite? Oh if only she knew I like BTS, EXO, GOT7, SHINee and other boy groups’ music.

Well, I guess I don’t really stan any boy group. Though to be honest, I don’t stan and I don’t think I can stan anyone else other than Girls’ Generation. It’s somehow getting harder for me to invest time in getting to know people I have no idea about. I guess I could know a thing or two about people here and there and that’s unavoidable, but to be in too deep as I am with SNSD is just not possible. Maybe I’m just way too Girls’ Generation biased? And since TaeYeon is basically an artist by herself now, I feel like I’m basically stanning her as a whole artist. Oh, and I guess I’m also very into IU, too. That’s really all I “stan.” And lately I just search K-indie or underground Korean Hip-hop/R&B music these days that I feel like I’m a bit of a hipster K-pop fan now. I haven’t been getting into new fandoms because I can’t, so all I really do is just search for music that I like.

Agh… It’s so rare to find a K-pop friend here when you’re not exactly that enthusiastic about the new groups rising up. I guess not having that much interest or dedication in pop culture really is part of growing older?

When we were already in the bus, I was planning in getting some kind of sleep, but that was almost impossible to do. Christelle and I were two of what, the four girls in the bus? It was filled with guys and they were really noisy, even Nardeen. For about 30 minutes or something, they played the Heads Up game until Christelle finally woke up and joined them so she became part of the noise, too. Eventually she and I switched seats and I got the window seat so that she could play better. And so it went on for I think an hour or something while I was trying to get some sleep. I could hardly get any rest though since the sun was beating down on me so it was hot, and the noise in the bus was almost deafening.

At some point, the noise kind of died down and Gabriel was watching some dances on his iPad. After he watched that, I told him if he wanted to watch Kpop with me and so he sat beside me. Now I’m very picky with who I want to watch kpop with. I won’t even bother if they show signs that they just don’t care at all, but if someone is interested, especially in *ehem* SNSD *ehem*, you better know I’m making my moves. And so I found an opportunity…

Actually, about a week or so before that, I mentioned A M N E S I A in our group prayer time in the band (more known as “circle time”). I mentioned how inspiring and amazing it was to know I could reach and help Christians and others even in such infested websites through story writing. While they were yet again surprised that they found something new about me, the night I mentioned that, Gabriel got quite interested in reading what that story was. It kind of surprised me that he would suddenly have interest because people hardly care about reading, especially a story full of Korean things. So we chatted all night while he read the first chapter and I explained a lot of things to him because he kept asking stuff about the details and translations (and it was a lot easier to explain some things to him since I could mention Tagalog words every now and then if I wanted).

Then I had a hunch as to why he was a bit interested when he asked if JeHa was a common name. That hunch got stronger when he asked if I knew Im Yoon-Ah. He has watched K2. It’s funny because he told me that eye-smiles were not adorable (assuming he saw Tiffany and Eunji’s photo on Chapter 1) but he said they were “amazingly adorable especially on… Im Yoon-Ah.” I was about to lose my head when he said Tiffany’s eye-smile was not adorable (cuz I mean cmon I melt every time I see that) but then he mentions Yoona. Immediately forgiven XD I guess Yoona is really on a different level of visual if he liked her on K2 and plans on watching her other dramas, too.

Anyway back to the bus, I shared him my earphone while the noise was still going on in the bus. We watched some SNSD clips, and I was stiff like a rock trying not to fangirl at hot girls. Because of all clips that I had to show him, I showed him Check with the sexy plaid outfits. I showed him the ever so classy (and deathly) Whisper performance. I even showed him Sunmi’s hot bass teaser. Boys would like that stuff, right…? Pretty hot babes, yeah XD? Anyway, I also showed him the MrMr dance practice and he told me that his friends would replay that video every second to know the dance moves. It was a pretty iconic dance, I have to say. It’s quite surprising that he knows more about K-pop than I thought (and doesn’t look down on Girls’ Generation in any way). He’s not exactly fully into it but at least he doesn’t look at it like it’s some dumb thing… And he hasn’t scoffed at me for liking it.

There’s also something about him that I have to get at later. It has a lot to do with us always somehow matching… but let’s continue on with the story for now.

When we finally got to the venue for Illuminate, I was lowkey hoping to see Centine again as I did in the last Illuminate, but the venue was really small. The fact that not very many girls came with us from Wildfire and that absolutely no group came from Sharjah or the smaller states shows that not many people were probably interested in “The Market” theme of the event. It was a little disappointing that the people I met in the last Illuminate weren’t there, but that didn’t discourage me. I was very relieved by the fact that all of us from Wildfire were grouped on the same color tag. I could enjoy the event with the friends I came with.

Christelle, Edwin, Gabriel, and I sat on one row, and Nardeen sat beside us as well. The band played and it was awesome. And then the one and only person from Sharjah who was a woman spoke about her making business at a young age with the help of God. Then we were told to have groups of five (including a leader), to make a product in 15 minutes and advertise it. So the four of us along with Nardeen formed a group. We had absolutely no idea what to do at first, but when Nardeen got a doll among the possible products, we started brain storming. At first we had such dumb ideas such as a desk duster or a mini secretary. But with the secretary idea in mind, we came up with the siri idea. At about 5 or less minutes of brainstorming, we decided to turn it into an Artificial Intelligence product that can basically do anything for you. And as we were coming up with the possible names, we wanted something that would be simple enough and something that would stick. Thus, Ami was born.

“How about Amy?” It was Gabriel I think that said that to which I or maybe Christelle replied to with,

“Amy with an I. Ami!”

And I do remember myself saying as I pointed to my eye, “Ami with an eye.”

At that point I had a clear running design for what I was to write on that big ass paper that was given to us. I honestly thought I wouldn’t be of any help since I’ve never worked on a project like this for a long time, especially under 15 minutes! On the first few minutes, they felt reassured having me on my team because they thought I’d be creative, but I kind of doubted myself. But I guess thinking of that now makes me feel dumb. I boast a lot about what I can do but then I doubt myself on a time when I’m really needed, especially on something that I feel will be my job at some point? So I kind of surprised myself when a design clicked right away when I heard Ami with an I. With an eye. I’m really made for these kinds of things. It was a good taste what’s to come if I was to really take this path of possible design and logo jobs.

I have to admit, though… the design ended up looking quite creepy that it could be very well considered Illuminati if it was a real product. It got even creepier when we thought of a tagline.

Looking out for you.”

It was creepy but it was so hilarious that it stuck with us really well. And while we were coming up of ways on how to make an advertisement (since they were gonna videotape us), we added an even more ridiculous catch phrase to the tagline.

Looking out for you

(Just like Jesus)”

Honestly it’s such a twisted product the more you think about it. An AI that can do anything for you and cares for you (just like Jesus)? It’s like straight out of a Satanic horror movie for some reason… Gosh maybe that’s why it didn’t get into the final top 4?

But I think we advertised it better than many people. Our product looked really top notch. Our banner was not cluttered and you could clearly see what the name of our product is along with its tagline. We even came up with this ad where Gabriel continuously asks if Edwin is tired of loads of work and Edwin couldn’t take his words that he shouts, “Wait a minute! Wait a minute! What are you talking about?” And that’s where Christelle and I comes into the frame. I’m holding up the banner and Christelle and Gabriel enthusiastically explains the product. And I think we ended with Christelle saying “AMi. Looking out for you. (Just like Jesus).”

Even though we were all kind of nervous, I don’t think we were awkward like the others… or were we? I don’t know. I have to see that video for myself at some point… I don’t know why they haven’t released our video. Even if we didn’t make the top 4 nominations, we should at least see what we did, right? But anyway, I think we explained it clearly, enthusiastically, and quickly just like a good ad would, you know? And isn’t that the point of the game? Isn’t it based on how well did we did our marketing? Anyway, we were really proud of what we came up with. I still think it should’ve at least made top 4 of the nominations, but oh well maybe I’m just biased XD

After the event finished, we rode the same bus noisy bus from earlier and Christelle said she was going to sleep. It seemed almost impossible to do that, but it she was very serious about doing that. Since the noise from the afternoon was loud since we were at the back earlier, we decided to sit a few seats from the front so that we could sleep. But since she declared it to everybody that she was going to sleep, people were joking about not letting her sleep. Even the leaders were teasing her saying there should be no sleeping in the bus. But since I understood her desire to sleep, I took it upon myself to stay awake and let her sleep. I wore my Brown mask just in case people take unwanted candid photos of me and then I let Christelle lean her head on my shoulder to sleep. Thankfully the noise in the bus wasn’t as crazy as it was during the afternoon, but with boys surrounding us (Nardeen included because she’s not a calm woman herself), people couldn’t believe that Christelle would actually sleep. They wanted to tease her at first, but I kept swatting their hands away. I protected her with my left hand and my glares while trying not to move me whole right torso just so that she could sleep comfortably. I’m pretty sure I was like a grumpy looking bear protecting a cub or something but I like to think of it as me just living up to my name. I can’t take seeing anyone get bullied. Even though they were just teasing, there’s such a thin and dangerous line that could be crossed. Everyone has a limit and no one knows how close you may be at reaching it. Knowing how sensitive she could sometimes be at little things, I just had to protect her. I didn’t want her to get harassed when she wanted to sleep.

Though I have to admit, I’m not fully an angel either. I didn’t tease her myself, but I did approve of people taking photos of her sleeping. At first I covered her face every time they got the camera towards her and they’d get discouraged because I wouldn’t budge at all. But since everyone could clearly see that I’m protecting her so much, eventually they’d ask me for permission to take photos of her. After enough convincing I just let them do it and I posed for the photos myself. There was even a point when Christelle had given her phone to me as she sleeps, and Edwin who was right beside her begged me for her phone and I gave it to him. Then he took a bunch of his own selfies on it (she deleted them as soon as she saw them tho XD).

Anyway, a lot of things went on my mind with her body pressed so closely to mine. It was a strange yet satisfying feeling knowing she was able to sleep comfortably on my shoulder. Although she may have been comfortable, I, on the other hand, couldn’t move a muscle fearing I’d interrupt her sleep. I could only move my left arm and could shift my legs a bit, but other than that, my whole body basically stayed on the same position from the moment she closed her eyes. There was a point when her head was hitting a bony part of my shoulder and it was sharp and a little painful, but I couldn’t do anything about it. But it’s not like I hated it. It was, as I said, a really strange yet satisfying feeling. How could something that is uncomfortable be so… comfortable? At some point she shifted her position and eventually hugged my right arm. I was able to lean my head on hers too and get some rest at that point. It was really a nice and intimate moment. It’s like I suddenly had a younger sister. It made me think that I really want a daughter someday lol.

But if anything, I took advantage of that moment and played some D.ear and Crush’s album Wonderlust. With her sleeping on my shoulder while I watch the road outside the window, I just had to set the mood. I had to soak it all in while I could. Writing material like this doesn’t come often! Whether I’d use it for TaeNy, YulSic, Tiffany and Eunji, or something outside Mending Hearts, who knows when I’d need this kind of scene, right?

OH RIGHT! If I really dedicate myself to write that prequel, I’d get to that one YongSeo part…

A few days after, I somehow started thinking about Gabriel more. Other than being both Filipinos, we’ve both been similar in a lot of ways. He likes anime, Pokemon, and as I said he’s quite familiar with Yoona. Though similarities aside, there was something about him that made him pop in my head at a random time. I’d think of how friendly enough he was to actually read my story. He’s loud and fun, but he can be very thoughtful and sweet. Although he’s not that handsome and too damn tall for my height, he always has a smile on him and I think that makes him kind of cute. He seems to never run out of jokes, too. He always makes everyone laugh.

And so, after thinking about him for a while, I stopped for a moment and thought… wait… do I have a crush on him???

It’s been such a long time since I’ve had a crush (not to mention on a guy) that I have no idea what I’m actually feeling. Do I really have a crush on him or do I just find his character really unique and interesting? Because when I think about it, my ideal type doesn’t exactly match him, but then again, I could still change my preferences. I mean my ideal type I guess, as typical of me, would be a mix of Lee Jonghyun (a little cheesy but very handsome and chick and good with instruments), SooYoung (a little aggressive like a bully but also very emotional), TaeYeon (basically a little like me), and Tiffany (full of energy and always smiling), if that makes any sense. But the more I think carefully, Gabriel could actually match my character well. Since I’m very much like TaeYeon, loud and cheery people are the best people I could get along with. And I feel Gabriel is kind of like Tiffany in a sense: loud, crazy, childlike, and always smiling.

But since I wasn’t exactly sure, I decided to observe myself more to see if I really had a crush on him. I guess for a moment I really did have a spark running for him but… as ridiculous as it may seem, I was kind of turned off by his nerdy side. Whenever he spoke about science terms, I don’t know… I guess it just wasn’t working for me. But then again, do I really just stop just because of that one detail? I guess for now, yeah. So I don’t have a crush on him at this very moment. But who knows really? I’m still getting familiar with these feelings. Is it because I’ve already developed close friends that my heart is deciding to act up with crushes now?

When I told him if he wants to watch Girls’ Generation with me and he agreed by switching seats with Christelle, I have to admit, my heart teased me a bit. Every time our legs touched, that image of Jessica getting touched by that guy would pop up on my head and I felt ridiculous. Not now, I’d say to myself. I guess getting too close with boys are just so unheard of that it makes me feel weird when it happens to me after all those Kdramas. But of course, I tried to be normal about it and not react…

If there’s anything that I learned, I just see this as my heart healing. I’ve never felt so straight.

Anyway, as we all found out that Edwin was going to leave soon, the night before Friday, I drew him. I had no idea what to give him and even if I made a card, I had no idea what I would say. He has become a really precious friend for the past few months, but I’m obviously not the only one who felt that way about him. He’s friends with almost everyone that I felt everyone would say the same things to him. I didn’t want him to get more depressed than he already is at hearing everyone say how precious he was to them and was sad to know he was leaving. Because if I wrote my feelings down about how much he meant to me, I’m pretty sure I’d have to say something depressing at some point. Besides, I had little time to come up with something encouraging for him. So drawing him was something new. I’ve never actually done that as a farewell gift so I decided to do it now.

As I was drawing him, I felt really sad to see that he was going to leave. He brightened up the band. When he came, the band felt closer than it had ever been before. We all became more of a family because he opens up really well and he also has a talent in loosening everyone up. It’s when he came to the band that we all actually started to deeply care about one another. And I think he made me really comfortable in the sense of befriending guys. I used to feel distant around guys but now I don’t even care if I’m the only girl in a group of guys because he makes me feel included every time. He’s a really good friend. I really hoped he stayed a little longer, or at least long enough for me to leave first. I wish he’d stay here for another year. I wish I would be the one to leave first.

Ah… every time I get so close to someone, they have a higher chance of going away. I’m honestly so grateful that Christelle hasn’t left yet. Gosh would I be a mess if she goes away (though I feel like she’s the one going to feel that pain next year). But I guess that’s just life, right? I’m sad that Edwin is leaving, but at the same time I wasn’t. We’re part of a bigger family. God’s family. And a family never separates, right? This separation is only for a little while. And seeing that truth in my life, I feel so reassured. We can’t really lose each other as long as we still hold fast onto Christ.

I remember one time after the Sunday Youth Service he offered me a ride home. Just me. I guess he offered Gabriel a ride too but he rode something else. And he couldn’t really tell Christelle to ride with him since she was going to go home with her dad. That time was really precious to me for some reason. Aside all fun jokes, good music, and praying for each other, I guess that moment was when I realize that we’re really all family and not just a church group. Through Christ, we were able to care a lot about each other’s lives and offer help in even the smallest things. It’s just so cool to think that this is possible. I even told my parents that they should be more involved in the church once I leave because I see now that being around believers is truly something else. We’ve all been adopted by God through Christ so it is only right that we spend time to get to know our family!

I was honestly in a weird mess of feelings that Friday knowing it may be the last time I was going to see Edwin. I’m trying to soak in as much of his presence as I could because he truly is not like any other. He’s weird, he’s random, he’s talkative, and he likes to tease. My name has “Legendary” included in his contacts and he calls me Angela every now and then just because he feels like it. He’s like the brother I never thought I’d have, but sometimes I feel like he’s such a girl since he likes gossiping and knowing about people’s relationships. I mean can you believe he’s only been here for a few months but he already knew a lot about John and Preethi’s relationship? I mean Joslin, who is Preethi’s brother, had absolutely no idea about it after all these years which was the dumbest thing ever, but even Edwin knows about it? Seriously, that guy got everyone to open up to him (me included) about the most random things.

I think riding home with him is one of the biggest things I am going to miss. Edwin, Joslin, Christelle, and I kind of live in the same area so we always took the taxi together or either Christelle’s parents car or his dad’s car. That’s what got us all really close together. I’m surely going to miss him arguing with Christelle about the taxi fares. I’m going to miss him getting concerned about me walking under the underpass (since he considers it a creepy place and doesn’t quite approve of me walking there alone). I’m going to miss him talking to Prasanna talking about that football game they play. If anything, I’m honestly concerned about Joslin. Edwin made him talk. Edwin gave him friends…

Anyway, back to the Friday, Joslin, Christelle, Edwin, and I rode the taxi together home one last time. I gave him the drawing in the taxi and I’m glad he really liked it. And then I heard the three of them arguing about who was gonna pay. I always find the argument so amusing since it’s not about letting others pay or splitting the bill. It’s about insisting to pay for the whole ride most of the time. They were all trying to be hospitable but they’d bicker endlessly like couples. That’s why I never pay because even though I offer my money, they don’t take it. So I can’t argue with them about that XD. And then we played the 5 second 3 answers app game Christelle always makes us play. It was all really precious and fun times, but the closer we got to Christelle’s stop, Edwin thought that we didn’t have a group photo—just us taxi buddies. So we got off Christelle’s stop and took photos under the hot weather.


After that, we walked from Christelle’s place to Edwin’s and Joslin’s area under the instead of taking another taxi (since taxi fares recently got higher). When Joslin separated from us, Edwin and I walked together for a brief moment and he asked something so random to me,

            “So. I have an interesting question for you. Who do you think has a crush on me in Wildfire?”

            “Haha, why?” I scoffed.

            “I don’t know, you have a very… watchful eye.”

It was so out of the blue but I did answer him since it was such an amusing question. Since there weren’t a lot of girls in Wildfire, I told him probably none. Besides, not many of those girls hang around him but me and Christelle as far as I know (and I feel Christelle is not exactly interested in him in that way).

After I had answered, we bid goodbye. And I remember as I walked away from him, I was like, “Really? Is this seriously the last memory I’m gonna have of him?” I laughed by myself since it was so ridiculous. But little did I know that wouldn’t be the last time I’d see him!

The next day, after I had gone home from watching Wonder Woman and buying groceries with my parents, I saw Nithin, Jessica’s boyfriend, had texted me. He said if I was going to make it to Edwin’s farewell party. I didn’t even have second thoughts about it so I said I’d go. I wanted to see him again for one last time and say goodbye properly.

The next day, I arrived at Al Wahda’s food court and immediately found him and Nithin. Then came Walid (Lebanese friend), Christelle, and then Gabriel. When Jessica arrived, Edwin and his shipping tendencies offered his chair so that she would sit next to her boyfriend. And so for thirty or so minutes, we just talked about the most random things. Gabriel pretty much started all the random conversations and made all the lamest jokes, but I think all of us did contribute pretty well in the conversation. We shared so much inside jokes! The thing I remember the most were the jokes about Nithin always getting rid of Jessica, which now leads to Edwin and Nithin dating. And I say Jessica is now mine since Nithin gave her to me that one time in the chat. And then Edwin smirking at Gabriel while calling him babe. There were just so much shenanigans that I sat there thinking, “Wow, I’m part of this. I’m part of this group. And I’m actually enjoying how noisy we all are.” I had friends! And most of them were from the band. It was like a dream. And to think, it was all because of Edwin that we were there. We all shared that same sad feeling when Edwin talked about how he thought there was a huge chance of his dad getting his job back when a phone call from the company came, but then it turns out they just required his dad to sign some papers. He talked about how for a moment his mood sky-rocketed only for it to crash down immediately because of that news. He was sad, but we didn’t want to make this night full of tears for him and for all of us. So for about two hours, we just laughed and made noise on the open space without caring about those around us.


And after dinner, we played the same game 5 second 3 answers game Christelle always makes us play. Then when Jessica and Gabriel went home, we roamed around the mall and I made them play the tile game where your feet shouldn’t touch the lines. I swear, we all looked so embarrassing walking around the mall like idiots. Many people stared at us when we played that game but I didn’t even care. We were having the best time of our lives trying not to die anyway XD. We also played “I spy with my little eye” for a while. When Nithin came back from sending Jessica home, we all sat back at the food court playing Heads Up. When it was getting late, it was time to go home and Christelle and Edwin rode home with me and my parents.

When Christelle got down to her stop, Edwin and I were left in the car for a while to talk face to face one last time. We talked about the band and… Gabriel. Why?

Well, when Jessica and Gabriel went home (before walking around the mall), we all stood up wondering what to do next. Somewhere in the conversation Edwin said he thought he would never meet us again after Friday and I said I thought the same thing, too. I told him that I thought of how ridiculous it was that the last memory I would have of him was him asking the question (if anyone had a crush on him or not) and we exchanged secretive laughter about that.

Since no one really got what we were talking about I was able to have the opportunity to ask him what I’ve been curious about ever since he asked that question about himself. I told him to switch that question around to me. He pondered for a moment and said, “Gabriel.” I had a hunch he’d say that.

Now back to the car, he was straight up talking about how Gabriel and I just fit together. He was shipping us right when my parents are in the car. I was embarrassed that he would bring it up at that exact moment, but I’m glad it he talked about it as if Gabriel was just some good guy. He wasn’t exactly saying that we should date. If he did I would’ve died inside that car.

And so I bid goodbye to him and the last words he said to me were “Never change.”

It was, I think, the greatest closure I’ve had with a friend who is going away. But even if that was the end of a chapter, later that night, a new one started.

Whatsapp chat.

We continued to talk all night. So basically we continued our conversation about Gabriel. I told him that I don’t think Gabriel has a crush on me because I remember Christelle telling me once that he had a crush on Sarah (Pastor Jeramie’s daughter). However he still thought that Gabriel might have a crush on me as well. Then he asks me to guess who his crush was. Since there was really no other girl in Wildfire that I know that is close to him, I joked Christelle. Even though I was joking, I kind of felt it was true because one time when only the two of us rode the taxi home together (the same day of Youth Service and Nithin and Jessica’s date), he exploded on me telling me to stop shipping him and Christelle. At that time, he told me that Christelle liked someone else so I should back off and stop shipping them, but that just made me ship them even more because why did he suddenly think of that? What gave him such an idea that I was shipping them? I never even said or did anything obvious or forced them to be together at any point (even though I really did ship them). He must’ve been reading closely at the things I’ve been so subtly saying around them. Turns out, it was really true… he admitted that he really did have a thing for Christelle back then. So my hunch was right all along. I wasn’t surprised at all.


So since he shared that secret, I also admitted that I might be a little interested in Gabriel too. Since he’s leaving anyway, I don’t see the point in holding that from him. But anyway, I was still vague with my answers and I wasn’t direct or swooning about Gabriel. But I guess now that he knows I have like a 5% crush on the guy, it’s enough for him to see it as 100% crush and ships me now with him. Oh gosh, what have I done? XD

Anyway, we continued our conversation the next day again. I guess I’ve made a really good friend this time. It’s like we never said goodbye.


AGH Since my dad and I have watched Batman vs Superman before, I was really excited for Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman totally slayed in that the Batman vs Superman movie and kind of teased the Justice League heroes at the end. I was really intrigued by Wonder Woman and I wanted to watch her movie but I didn’t really know when it was going to come out. Then this past Saturday, what do you know, my parents decided we should watch it!

The movie was great. The cast was great. Almost everything was great. I really liked how it started with Batman’s company sending her a suitcase with an ancient photo of her in it. That was in ending of the Batman vs. Superman movie when Batman was gathering the Justice League.

But tbh I just want to say this: I think I just fell in-love with Gal-Gadot. Her English accent is really cute, too. It gave Wonder Woman that really unique, outlandish, or ancient charm. I couldn’t figure out at all where she came from when I was watching the movie and thought maybe it was just acting, but I found out after that she was actually from Israel!

Anyway, she’s really, really sexy and fierce and very believable because she really had them muscles and the costume was Gladiator-like design and it was totally a good upgrade from the swimsuit! She really was like straight out of the comic book and she was just so pretty.

uagshasfd I haven’t been into an actress like that since Emily Vancamp. Gosh. Those were the days XD And to think, Emily became a comic book character, too, but for Marvel… (but seriously, even tho she became Agent 13, Sharon Carter, love interest of Captain America, that look will always be Emily Thorne to me lol)

We also started watching Hunger Games series

It’s good so far but there were too much kissing on Catching Fire compared on the first movie… I guess it’s a little culture shock to me. One or two kisses is enough sheesh.

Jennifer Lawrence tho… she really looks like a normal girl lol as if she’s not really a celebrity. Idk I guess she had that feel to her in the movie cuz she’s not supposed to be a celebrity of the Districts but she is anyway? hahaha

Feel So Fine

I feel great.

So many things have occurred in the last two weeks. Our family has gotten better at opening up at each other. I’ve gone to church 5 times this month which means I got to meet my friends more than usual. And because of that, I’ve been thrown in a group chat that confirms I definitely have friends. Also, as I’ve been re-updating an old fanfic of mine, I’ve gotten a pretty interesting feedback.

First of all, I just want to say that God is good. If you surrender anything to Him, you better be sure he’ll do something great in return.

From the tone of my previous post, I was really close to giving up on the band. But because I really hated how angry I had become, I knew I had to change my attitude towards everything. I knew no matter how I tried, I couldn’t do it alone and so I just surrendered the band to God (something I really should’ve done earlier). I knew God knows how I’m feeling and He knows who is good and who’s not. And what do you know, all those who I always ranted about, He made busy for the week of Youth Service. None of those who had such messy talents were available leaving all the good people to play.

I was able to rock out after a long time since I got to play with Jonathan again, the drummer I could sync with really well. I guess he is a big factor as to why I felt so steady and eased. But to be honest, I also got a lot of my energy from the others, too. All of us (Jordan, Christelle, Edwin, Gabriel, Jonathan, and I) get along pretty well and the atmosphere was always in a joyful mood. They truly felt like family to me, especially since I always ride with either one of them on the way home after each gig. We all trusted each other to do what we were supposed to so I loved every moment we played together. I had no worries at all and was able to focus on worshiping God with my very best. I think this has been the most relaxed Youth Service I’ve ever experienced. I wasn’t conscious at all about what people would think of us as a teenage band. Everything worked out as I hoped it would.

That same Friday, I decided to stay around for Wildfire, too. Since I couldn’t help myself, I decided to help John out in leading music with Jonathan. I had no practice whatsoever and just played simple stuff. After that, when it was time for discussions, I WAS SO SLEEPY. I woke up 4 am that day and arrived at 6:45 at church which is 15 minutes earlier than when I was supposed to go there (the church hall was completely empty). I played for two services which is from 8:15 to 11:30. Then with my mentality of not wanting to awkwardly just stand during worship, I played guitar again at 12. No wonder I was exhausted to the point that my head just wanted to rest. I couldn’t even force myself to have energy during game time because it was physically hard to pull myself together. It felt a little like Illuminate all over again. It was crazy.

But what’s crazier is that, with the desire I have of wanting to feel included, I joined Jessica, her boyfriend, and Edwin, oh and along with Gabriel too, to hang out at the mall for a while after Wildfire—WHILE I WAS ABSOULUTELY EXHAUSTED. I was even wearing a sweater and it was burning hot outside. The heat was unbelievable that I knew I’d crash on my bed once I get home. But nope. I went along to hang out for a bit with friends. I don’t regret it at all, though. Although it seemed pointless since the conversations we had were absolutely random and ridiculous, it was still great. I guess it’s because I don’t ever experience hanging out with friends that this hangout felt absolutely great. It’s one of those times when I feel like I truly have friends…

Anyway, since we’re all a bunch of teenagers who only have taxi money, only Jessica bought a drink and I shared it with her (and her boyfriend.) Haha it’s a weird thing to share one straw with someone that isn’t family from the culture I grew up in, and it’s definitely weird to think I’ve indirectly shared saliva with the couple, but I didn’t even care at that point since I was tired and really thirsty.

What was really funny to me was me, Edwin, and Gabriel walking behind the couple’s back. We constantly took pictures of them and shipped them teasingly and said we were their paparazzi. Because of those many photos we took, Gabriel started a group chat and we were only supposed to share photos there, but now it has become this random and crazy for the five of us. I took a photo with Jessica having a really ugly expression and that became the display picture of the group. They all teased Jessica because of that. Even her boyfriend is so savage. Seriously they are so sarcastic towards each other. I guess not all couples are cheesy and defensive towards each other. Add that to my fanfic ideas lol. It’s funny though because even after all the teasing, Gabriel points out that bullying is bad. It went from teasing to discussing if it’s good or bad to do so. I wasn’t saying much when they were teasing Jessica but I had stuff to say with the difference between tease and bullying. Jessica liked that at least one is on her side because everyone was teasing her. But I replied that “I probably would’ve joined teasing you but I didn’t because I love you and I’m just too quiet.” And then Gabriel jokingly says he smells competition. Before I could even reply to that, Jessica’s boyfriend Nithin says, “HAHAHAHA She’s all yours Mia” So apparently Jessica has now become my girlfriend…? Hahaha anyway there are many more dumb things in there and it’s always Gabriel starting things. It’s nice that I’m still being included even though I’m pretty quiet. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel like a normal teenager.

Our family previously had some miscommunication. It’s all solved now but I think the most helpful thing that resolved it was when my dad decided to send two sermons for us to listen. The topic of “do not complain” that my dad wanted us to discuss as a family really opened our eyes. The message God had to say through John McArthur was really powerful and it really hit me right in my core. In this messed up and unsatisfied world, complaining has become part of our nature. Rants and such are even famous things to do on YouTube. If you don’t have anything small or big to complain about, you are not really living. But I see now that if we are unsatisfied with the world around us, it’s almost as if we’re mocking what God has put before us. So it’s basically a sin itself. It’s a scary thing to think that something you normally would do on a daily basis is offensive to God. So with our eyes opened to that topic, I think I’ve really found a sense of peace that I’ve never really felt before. When you put your trust in God and thank him for what you have, heart will feel really lightweight. It’s amazing.

Continuing with the thought of surrendering yourself to God, I just… I’m still speechless just thinking about this. Last year, I decided to re-write and re-update my fanfic AMNESIA. When I was re-writing that, I was praying to God that He would guide me, and that I would write something that would never take His name in vain in any way. I was constantly surrendering that fanfic to him as I edited and added new things. So I re-updated it without really thinking if my old subscribers would be any different from the new ones that would come in. My main motivation was so that I could show it to my real friends eventually, and tell a story that can be enjoyable and somewhat clean to anyone religious or not. But just this weekend, I saw a comment that opened my eyes to the power of God.

whitechocolatte_: “Seriously, you’re the best.

Coming here for Key/Eunji, I honestly didn’t expect much from a Taeyeon/Tiffany fanfic. But you surprised me so many times with great plots, humorous fluff, and wonderful moments. You tied up each loose end so brilliantly, and I just loved the way you gave each character a religion and made them proud of it. I am a Christian too, and I rly am grateful for making this religion part if the story, like the cell group meets, the worships etc. I really thank you, for clearing my own doubts as a Christian at the part when Eunji was with Taeyeon at the hospital, “Everything God puts us through, it’s for the best.” I have never thought that I would learn so much from a fanfic. Thank you so much for this, it rly made me happy.

btw, I love the way you included strong realistic emotions. It rly brought me to tears and I never thought I would have felt these emotions from a fanfic. Thank you once again for this wonderful fanfic”

I am just deeply amazed and moved. It’s the most inspiring comment I ever have to read in the three years I’ve been on asianfanfics. Nothing has been as a grand as this. Just like she did not expect much from a TaeNy fanfic, I, too, did not have much expectation that anyone in asianfanfics would care about the many little Christian details all around the story. People in that site are often just focused on the ships they came for, but for someone to point out the details that I have added so carefully, I realize that God can really do anything. I may not know what that person has gone through, but it sounds like the things she read helped out a lot. I mean can you believe that of all places God could lead that user, He led her to a TaeNy fanfic to lead her heart back to Him? What a strange way to call her heart back to Him, (but now that I think about it, Jonah’s story was even stranger than this)! God had obviously been the one who worked through me. It’s so amazing to think about it that I can’t even give myself any of the credit. This just proves so much that the God has a bigger purpose for everything, and there is no excuse when it comes to sharing the Gospel and God’s awesome character. Whether you are shy, or not, antisocial or social, you are not exempt from the mission He gave. Because can you believe that I just sat here in my room and stayed up late-nights and it resulted to this? Did I really affect someone’s relationship with God? If one was able to feel that way, how many more feel the same or has opened their eyes to God among my 600+ subscribers? Although I would really love to find that out, I don’t think it’s my place to know. It’s enough knowing that I helped bring one person closer to God who was so grateful that she had to let me know. Many silent readers are out there and I’m sure their hearts will be touched in the same way if God willed. It’s my mission to plant seeds where I can, and it’s up to God to let them grow.

After youth service last Friday, we took a band photo and I’ve been drawing that for the past few weeks. Now every time I look at my drawing, I get overwhelmed by what I see. This international bunch of teenagers just served God in a place full of the world’s nations. How cool is that? Out of all the people in the world, God brought us together. Somewhere out there in the church I know they looked at us gave God the glory for what He raised up on that stage. I know someone might have been inspired by the energy we had serving God at such a young age and is encouraged to serve Him in the same way.

I honestly am so honored and at the same time very fearful that God has been using me well for His purposes. God has installed way too many talents on me, but I’m starting to see more clearly than ever that they are really all for His Kingdom. Because I always worry that I might take His name in vain by my words or actions, I feel like I don’t deserve being in the front lines. But I guess this is what God has made me for. Although I am a sinner, I should never forget that Christ took that title from me and that I should live with courage to proclaim what He has done.

Btw, 12th grade just started and I find art class very interesting. Many people around me say they wanna do art but it’s not something they’d want to learn. Meanwhile I always think that I want to learn all the different things art has to offer out there. Now that I’m starting from the beginning, I realize that I still have a lot to learn. Even watercolor, the thing I never liked doing before, has now become a very interesting medium to me. It’s interesting to see how I’m learning so much even though I’m just in the second PACE. I wonder how God will use my art talent in the future?

♫ 1704

Top 10 favorite songs of the month

헷갈리게 (Between Us) – CNBLUE
사랑이 잘 (With 오혁) – IU하드캐리– GOT7
skyway – GOT7
Palette (Feat. G-DRAGON) – IU
날 울리지마 (Feat. 자이언트핑크) – NIEL (틴탑-니엘)
Heart Monster – NIEL (틴탑-니엘)
When I Was Young – CNBLUE
Lonely (Feat. 태연) – Jonghyun (사이니-종현)
Curtain Call – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
Make Me Love You – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)

Albums of the month

Image result for My Voice TaeYeon Image result for 7°CNImage result for FLIGHT LOG : TURBULENCE – GOT7
My Voice (Deluxe Edition)  – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)

Top artists of the month
TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)

Top favorite lyrics of the month
이런 엔딩 – IU
기억을 걷는 시간 – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
사랑 앞에서 – Jung Eunji (에이핑크-정은지)

Top  beats
헷갈리게 (Between Us) – CNBLUE
Prove It – GOT7
My Home – GOT7

Top songs of the month that made me happy
Palette (Feat. G-DRAGON) – IU
It`s You – CNBLUE
봄이라서 그래 – Jessica

Top songs of the month that made me sad
I Blame On You – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
When I Was Young – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
이런 엔딩 – IU

Top songs of the month that made me feel
기억을 걷는 시간 – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
밤편지 (Through the Night) – IU
사랑 앞에서 – Jung Eunji (에이핑크-정은지)



My moods have been absolutely crazy lately. One day I’m really depressed and lonely, then one day I’m happy. Since spring break happened for two weeks, my social bar is so low that there are loud beeps in brain telling me things that get me really lonely and depressed. But when that was over and routines started again, my social bar improved a bit and I was really happy with everything. But right now, I’m definitely so out of energy.

First of all, I saw for a brief moment our band’s bass player back then, Ben, and I was really delighted. Since he was back, John decided he and Ben wanted to lead the band this week but turns out, Ben has a flight today (Wednesday) and John couldn’t even do it. So I was really upset about that because it was way late when he decided to cancel everything. I really hate it when people plan things with confidence but it turns out they weren’t even sure if it was going to work out. It just wastes everyone’s time.

But to be honest, what ticks me off the most out of all of this is—and I absolutely can’t believe this name is even making a comeback in the topic of band here—Caesius.

I don’t hate him at all. He’s an okay friend. But when it goes down to band business, I would fire him immediately if only I could. Seriously, he hasn’t been in the band for who knows how long and now he decides to come back—still sucking as ever, or maybe even worse than what I remembered him to be. Because of John’s irresponsible actions, he had less time to practice the songs. Understandable, yes? I guess. But I don’t know if it’s just me or what because the songs are so simple—the tempo is simple, chords are simple…. But he just… sucks. And it stresses me out. And I thought Prasanna was bad… Caesius just made me soften my voice to that kid. At least Prasanna always shows some progress of improvement, even if it’s a tiny bit, and he still has a lot of years to do so too so I’m actually able to praise him. But Caesius is older than him and has had more gigs than him. “Am I really that bad?” he says to me after band. YES. You are.  “But it’s been three months. Cut me some slack.” Is being gone for three months from a band really your best excuse for being so bad at what you should be somewhat good at by now? Three months is a lot of time to improve yourself or to at least get a hang of basic rhythm oh my gosh.

I get that not everyone can improve themselves for a time, whether they get busy with something else or something like that. But is losing your sense of rhythm really gonna be affected? Oh well, I guess Caesius never learned it properly from the beginning so what even are the chances of him getting it right after not playing for three months…

Aigoo… I guess I expect too much. Not everyone has the time or dedication as I do. Not everyone has the perseverance to rewind a song and press the earphone on your ears to hear how exactly things should be played. Not everyone is talented in this area or are taught well enough…

And to think he played on Illuminate too (which is a detail I totally forgot btw and denied he was there until he reminded me that he was right in front of me at that time). I don’t even remember how well (or bad) he did at that event. I must’ve shut out his guitar in my in-ear piece and erased that portion off my mind…

Oh right, I’ve noticed that the thing I’ve been telling myself that the members don’t listen to me isn’t true. They do listen to me very well and ask me for help. So I’m very glad about that. There’s this new guy, Gabriel, who I really like. He’s new but he always asks for my help, probably because on his second gig, him, Sebastian, and I were the only one who managed the band and I laid some really encouraging and wise words on him about being in the band. And to be honest, he needs all the encouragement he could get because although he is not the best with the guitar, he knows how to detect his mistakes. He doesn’t always get what it is so he asks me what he’s doing wrong often. So far, I haven’t really monitored him much because I have a feeling he will get better. I just really like that he knows immediately when he is doing something wrong. This is after all the thing that drives real musicians. It builds a desire to improve yourself constantly… unlike someone. Ehem. Anyway, it’s really interesting to see that with such a goofy guy like him. He always jokes around and he is more immature than Edwin, but to see that he can be so cheerful and serious at the same time is great. Prasanna’s sloppy guitar lead, and Caesius awful rhythm stress me out, but I guess there’s people to counter that. I guess I should draw more energy from Edwin always syncing with me, Gabriel always finding a time to smile through the situation, and Christelle’s knowing eyes. Oh, and I get a lot of energy from Jessica, too.

It’s a little calming now that I think about it. I was supposed to say by the end of this that I want to quit the band but I know that’s not the best thing to do. Why was I even thinking of it? Well, okay, I don’t know if I stated it enough that Caesius caused me this depressing energy drainage, but let’s come back to that, shall we? Since I was so distracted and the band was in utter rhythm chaos that even Edwin started eying me to do something about it, I had a hard time controlling my temper. I was just so dissatisfied by Caesius playing that instead of playing bass, I decided I would have to drown out his guitar by playing guitar myself, too. I think half of the time I was telling him he was doing things wrong, and I got so ticked off that I was even exploding when everyone couldn’t get the interludes right. Now, I’m not the kind of person who likes getting angry. I don’t get angry very easily, but it seems that I actually do when it comes to the band. I don’t know if I’m going way too far with showing my dissatisfaction to the members about many things all the damn time, but I certainly know that I hate getting so worked up. It’s just not me. I don’t want to be known for being mean. And I really hope I’m not being mean or sounding too mean. But I don’t know any other way to get my point straight when people start talking all at once but to raise my voice and insist what I say is the right thing. I just want what is best for the band. But if the band really makes my blood boil, maybe I should just lay low, and actually be the sunbae that my sunbaes were—leaving the band to figure their mistakes all by themselves. Because I can’t take it. It’s too much, especially when I’m the only one who knows what it was really like back then. So to even have the guts to say “back then,” maybe I’ve been here too long and I am just way above their level. My brain just automatically scuffs out and points everyone’s mistakes at this point.

So I get frustrated easily, and when that happens, it seems my expressions are quite readable. I feel like they will hate me, think of me as arrogant, or think of me as too much of a know-it-all, and my soft heart can’t take that at all, although I truly pray they see why I nag them so much. Because no one has personally thanked me for what I’m doing, but when I go, I know that’s the only time they will truly realize what I had been doing. And they will miss me for all that I had to offer.

I’m not the greatest musician at all, but I can’t deny that I everyone does see me as the crazy talented person who can do almost everything well. I should stick to this till the end of my time here. It’s just for another year. It’s no use giving up on it now when I’ve come this far trying to serve God in this way. And as I’ve said, the other members do give me energy and they get their energy from me too. I can’t let them down by taking mysterious breaks all of a sudden when I haven’t missed a week for months now. Somehow I feel like that would make me selfish and I don’t want to be known for that either.

A few days later…

Okay, so last Friday’s gig turned out actually pretty nice. Other than the fact that I drowned out Caesius’s guitar, Jonathan had the urge to play with us last minute and I SO DAMN MISSED HIS PLAYING. The band became steadier because he decided to play with us and I was able to play with my best. Also, Prasanna played a solo on Hosanna and he was pretty GOOD like I was really impressed!! Oh and Gabriel did the intro for Hosanna really well which made me really proud too but the singers started singing way too quickly which kinda cut off what he was supposed to do… Anyway, that opened my ears to what they could do and I’m very satisfied they learned those parts on their own without me ever teaching them a thing about it. I guess I really have to be more encouraging to Prasanna. He is showing a great potential and desire to be the lead. Since he’s still young, there’s plenty of time for him to improve. I pray he’ll take on bigger roles in the band in the future…

Oh, and Youth Service is right around the corner. Jordan isn’t making much call on what we’re supposed to do because he says it’s “youth service.” Even though he’s encouraging us to arrange the songs ourselves, I really wish he’d take more initiative in scheduling our practices though. We don’t know the church’s schedule and we have to at least practice three times on a much bigger place where Jonathan can set up his drums.

Oh my gosh, as I am writing this, I realize that it’s next week too and we don’t even have songs yet??? Oh boy how will this turn out…

♫ 1703

Top 10 favorite songs of the month

Lonely Night – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
Fine – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
Keep On – Kehlani
Time Lapse – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
Cover Up – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
날개 (Feel So Fine) – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
Sweet Love – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
I Got Love – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
Piece Of Mind – Kehlani
Advice – Kehlani
2 Years Apart – Eddy Kim (에디킴)

Albums of the month

Image result for my voice taeyeon Image result for sweetsexysavage kehlani Image result for 너 사용법 - Eddy Kim
My Voice – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
SweetSexySavage – Kehlani
너 사용법 – Eddy Kim

Artists of the month
Eddy Kim

Top favorite lyrics of the month
Time Lapse – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
Fine – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
Advice – Kehlani

Top  beats
Keep On – Kehlani
Personal – Kehlani
In My Feelings – Kehlani

Top songs of the month that made me happy
Lonely Night – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
Cover Up – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
Sweet Love – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
It’s Over – Eddy Kim (에디킴)
Slow Dance – Eddy Kim (에디킴)

Top songs of the month that made me sad
Fine – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)
Time Lapse – TaeYeon (소녀시대-태연)

Top Soundcloud

It’s Not Fine

Somehow, I have been awfully melancholic with my life for the past few days. I don’t know the exact reason why. Maybe my period will start soon—that’s what I try to convince myself to sound reasonable as to not consider myself a completely sadistic idiot. But then again, maybe it started when Christelle asked me to learn two songs for her so that we could jam. I really did not want to do it, but for the sake of our friendship I was willing to labor for it so I said okay. And she just replied with “thanks” without emojis or exclamation points or anything else. I don’t know why that “thanks” upset me in some way (especially because it was just text. How should I know if she was really enthusiastic or not), but I guess overthinking it got me in a dark place. I kept thinking about the past few weeks I’ve been riding with her home and how we don’t seem to start conversations like how we did just a few months ago. It was just getting awfully quiet like she was holding back from me. So somehow I thought I was doing wrong. Maybe she doesn’t find me entertaining or interesting anymore. Maybe she just thinks I am friends with her so that I could I get a free ride home. Maybe those are not true at all, but I can’t help but think of that 5% possibility that she could be thinking about those things. And so, all week, I convinced myself that I will not ride home with her for a while. Even if I was okay with silence, I just felt like it was getting too dragged out for these past few weeks. And although her mom is somewhat nice, she intimidates me so I knew I had to distance myself for a while. I just couldn’t take riding home with them again for some reason. I guess my problematic heart needed a bit of a break.

So after band practice, Christelle left and I was thinking about how I will get home. It surely wasn’t a problem for me to get a taxi but I’ve awfully gotten used to riding home with someone. Fortunately enough, our band leader Jordan suggested we could ride the same taxi together and I was more than happy to go along with it. What happened during the taxi ride was very interesting….

A few weeks back, my parents and I went to a small restaurant near church to get some breakfast. As it was like a small business, it was so crowded that they forced another customer to sit with us. The guy was right across me and I found it pretty cool, yet awkward, that he was seated at our table. However, for some reason, I just hated how the three of us completely ignored him, like he didn’t exist. I know we’re a bunch of introverted idiots, but I just kept wondering: what if we talked to him for a moment? The guy was alone and he surely he must be lonely in some way, but if we talk to him and get a conversation going for a while, it could lift his spirits up. He didn’t seem harmful in any way either—who knows, he could be interesting? Since I was just a child and my parents were there with me, I couldn’t do anything. My heart was absolutely aching for some reason because I couldn’t speak to the man. I really hoped my parents would at least do something but who am I to keep my hopes up? They never bother with people they don’t know. They’re never the kind of Christians to get friendly with strangers—in fact, they are even somewhat hostile towards them.

Meanwhile, here I am every Wednesday hearing about Jordan’s stories with taxi drivers. There was once a time when he said that when he was about to go to the airport, he started a conversation with the taxi driver and somehow it ended up with the driver scolding him about but a Christian. Instead of talking back in a higher tone, he just prayed and was calm about it, and he asked the guy if he knew some of the words that Jesus said. The taxi driver got curious so Jordan started reading to him the Bible. I don’t remember it well anymore, but in the end, when they were parked on the airport for a while already, he ended up praying for the taxi driver and the guy’s family. The taxi driver was very thankful because of that. Jordan didn’t know what happened next to the man’s life but it was up to God in the end after all. Since I have a soft spot for taxi drivers, that story really inspired me. Jordan had a few more stories similar to those and I’ve realized that a few little things can really cheer someone up and bring glory to God.

And during the ride home this Wednesday, I never thought it would happen right before my very eyes. Jordan and I were talking about my sister for a little while because I can’t help it every time I mention I might be going to Korea… and when that conversation was done, the taxi driver started complaining about the traffic. That’s when Jordan’s conversation started with the taxi driver. Since we were in the area full of churches, the guy complained that so many always jam the area we were in because there were so many churches and Jordan laughed along with him. At some point, they started talking about religion. The guy was Muslim, but he was quite open minded. It was very interesting because he knew his religion and ours were similar but quite different in many ways, and Jordan wasn’t like “no you’re wrong” or anything like that. Since the guy knew about Jesus as a prophet in his own religion and that he was a healer and miracle worker, he was also okay with Jordan praying for him for some health problems going on with his knee. Even if they believed in different things, I found the harmony in their conversation so interesting. But more than that, the most amazing part was when Jordan didn’t agree on something, he would always say something along the lines of “With what we believe, Jesus is/did…” at every beginning of his sentence, and the driver would listen intently. There was even a point when he mentioned the Passover and ended up explaining that the blood of the lamb that saved us was Jesus.

It just hit me that this is what it is like to evangelize sometimes. I’m sure not everybody can spike up a conversation with strangers all the time and start talking about the principles and religions of life. But the fact Jordan was proclaiming the name of Jesus was the most important part. It’s not our duty to save people or to force anyone to love Jesus—it’s to proclaim what Jesus did on the cross, and to love our enemies as we love ourselves. It’s only up to Jesus if that person will be saved, but since He did not give as a list of who will be saved it’s up to us to do things for the glory of God.

What blows my mind was that I was able to witness it all. I thought all week that I definitely do not want to ride home with Christelle this week to the extent that I started feeling strange about why I was so strongly against it. But after I stepped out of the taxi, I realize that maybe God had given up a heads up for me after all. Even the fact that there was so much traffic struck me that God wanted this conversation to go on for a while. Because no matter how I think about it, there are many other roads that aren’t as jammed during Wednesday nights, but the taxi driver ended up in the busy streets that the conversation was extended.

After Wildfire, while I was heading home, there was a strange feeling that overcame me too. Since I went home with the John brothers, Chris dropped us off at the same bus stop. The two John brothers were planning to cross the stoplight to get to their home and I was planning to walk with them, but then older John said I could go to the underpass and it would head closer to where I live. And so I decided to go and walk to the underpass instead and we parted ways. While I was walking, I was feeling somewhat downcast and melancholy again and I didn’t know why.

When I was finally climbing up the stairs of the underpass, I saw a guy at a corner, a beggar or something I assume. Since there was no one around me and my parents would never really know, without me even thinking twice, I took off my earphones and greeted the man and talked to him for a short while–asked him if everything was alright. Then I gave him ten dhs out of my pocket and he looked very thankful and shook my hand. Then as I left, I prayed a small prayer. When I got out of the overpass, I even asked myself “What just happened? What did I just do?” I didn’t even bother to ask what situation he was in. I didn’t know if he was really a beggar. Even now, I don’t know why I did that. I was surprised that I did it without much thought. Somehow, it just happened. My parents never pay attention to people like those because they think they are never to be trusted. So every time I pass by people like that when I’m with my parents, I always have to pretend like I’m not affected when I really want to help out in some way. Is it because my heart is too soft? Did the Holy Spirit move me at that moment? Because I truly believe I kind of helped the guy in some way, even if I just gave him a small amount. I don’t know what I did, but in some way, it felt right.


Anyway, a few hours before that at Wildfire, I felt absolutely hurt by the way my friends were acting (I guess that’s why I wasn’t the most cheery going home). In the morning, it was all good, but after rehearsals and everything, I started getting the feeling that I was slowly going back to the lonely person that I am. Sure, I have friends, and I can joke around with them every now and then, but it seems I can never have one person for myself, one person who I can share anything with, who would always choose to stick by my side. When Chris said that we were going to be divided in groups of two, my two most beloved friends told me to sit between them so that they can be paired in the same team. They probably meant no harm with that, but I was just offended.

Little things like that depress me. I want to be with them as much as they want to be with each other but I guess I’m never anyone’s best friend. I just have no idea what I’m doing wrong. Is there a problem with me? Am I not trying hard enough? Am I not giving them enough attention? I would like to think that they do care about me, but what is that at this point when neither of them has ever read the story I wanted them to read so badly? And they go to me just to jam songs, like I’m nothing beyond my talents. I want to know them and I want them to know me, but I guess this is my fate in high school after all… I’m never anyone’s best friend.

So the last one left who is truly close to me is my sister, but what happened just this morning was terrible.

Since I wanted TaeYeon’s Fine album, I asked her to buy it for me. I wanted the Fine version because I wanted to have TaeYeon’s casual look on the tip of my hands. The photo cards were so much better too so I wanted it so much. I didn’t want the I Got Love version even though it was quite exquisite and classy. I knew it wasn’t fully creepy from the get-go either. I just didn’t feel some of the looks on her. Also, it was I Got Love version for a reason since the photos only portrayed those that suited her song I Got Love. And I surely didn’t want a poster of TaeYeon with that dark aura on her. I’d just feel weird to put it up. The Fine version, on the other hand, suited the whole feel of the songs of the album. I wanted to have that and cherish it for a long time like I do the I and Holler album, especially because there are new memories already relating to the songs, and I’m sure more will come after. The Fine album was already becoming really special to me quickly even if it was just released a few days ago.

But I guess I never have any luck with any of TaeYeon’s albums. Back then, I wanted TaeYeon’s I album with a poster, but I got Kyuhyun’s poster instead. Now my sister tells me she bought the I Got Love version instead of the Fine version. Of course I got upset and she told me that it was not as creepy as a think. I was so upset that I did complain a whole lot, but while I was saying those, I still felt bad. I knew she hated so many things about traveling by herself. I really appreciate that she went out to buy it for me but I wasn’t happy because she couldn’t get the one I wanted. The Fine version was sold out too and I said that we could’ve just bought it online. Obviously it upset her because it sounded from the tone of her text that she went through hell to get it. I guess seeing me as a TaeYeon trash made her think that I would really want anything with TaeYeon in it—and I thought it would be like that too. But of all things TaeYeon, I really did not want to have the I Got Love version. So she asks me, what’s the difference anyway? It’s just the same album and same songs anyway. Of all reasons, I just said that I wanted the Fine album for the GF material photos. Not a good reason, I know but that’s what popped first in my head. So she told me I can get those on the internet—but it just isn’t the same because I can’t fully explain why I don’t feel comfortable with the I Got Love version… So out of carelessness, I say “Can’t I have nice things?” And she replied with the personal things I have that she doesn’t. I immediately regretted what I said because I’ve read before that she was feeling very miserable with her life these days. I said sorry lightheartedly hoping I wouldn’t upset her any longer. I knew very well I was feeling a little greedy after all. So I thought even if I’m upset now, it will pass because there will be more of TaeYeon’s albums in the future and I will learn from my mistakes… I won’t ask her for it anymore.

But then on the breakfast table, as my parents and I were eating and skyping with my sister, I couldn’t look at her. She looked awfully cranky from the tone of her voice and the look on her face and I couldn’t handle the conversation every time my parents wanted to squeeze out a story out of her. I also couldn’t handle how ungrateful and cranky she always was replying to our parents. They only want to talk to her because they love her and how should they know if she’s having a really crappy time when she’s not saying anything? Why decided to explode on them if you could just say it to them from the very first moments that you feel it? But also, since I knew she was obviously upset, they made jokes asking if she was on her period and I just don’t find humor in those types of jokes. I just hated every second of it all. I didn’t even want to eat because I knew my sister doesn’t even eat on a regular basis and would do almost anything for food. I wanted to tell her on the chat that I was sorry she has to always see us eating in front of her like this, but she beat me to it. She loudly complained to us not to eat in front of her anymore.

And then she reveals that she was upset because of how ungrateful I am for her efforts. But that’s not what I felt at all. I wasn’t ungrateful. I just couldn’t wrap my head at the thought of owning something I didn’t even want, but I knew that out of love she went out of her comfort to buy it for me. That thought stuck with me hard that’s why I didn’t want to argue with her any further. But now from the tone of her voice it’s like I’m never thankful of anything and that I don’t know how she was feeling. She proceeds to say that her life is more miserable than mine and yeah, I get it. I know it all. I’ve read it. That’s why I regretted saying “cant I have nice things?” so much. I really thought that she would just dismiss my dumb words because I said sorry and I thought she would understand that I didn’t know any better, but she instead slapped it on my face so harshly that I started crying. Even know as I’m writing it, I’m still drowning in my tears and I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard for a long time. For her to say I’m ungrateful and that I don’t understand her situation is almost the same as saying I don’t care about her or anything else but TaeYeon. It hurt me so much because I always worry about her. I might just be awful at admitting or showing it, but I really do care about her and her well-being and hate seeing her always downcast. In my heart I know that getting along with my family is more important that having TaeYeon’s face on my hands.

I guess I know now what words I do not ever want to hear from a person I care so much about.

“You don’t care about me.”

Anyway, I know that she is jealous of many things and I honestly don’t want to flaunt too much of my things any further after this. But I also found there is something she has that I don’t. She has friends who care about her. She posts many photos on the chat room with them. Although I am happy for her, I do get jealous every time I see it.

I know I’m living a comfortable life. But the one thing that I really want, friends who care enough to reach out and hang out and joke with me, I can’t seem to have. That’s why I feel like I need to get all the nice things that I want, because I can at least get that. I guess that’s why I was so upset. I wanted to have TaeYeon’s Fine version more than anything else, but I guess I can’t even have that.