DEC 1, 2017
Christelle called me her best friend today.
She was talking to Adi and mentioned me as her best friend. This. Honestly I have nothing else to say. This is it, the highlight of this week. I feel like I’ve seen snow fall for the first time. I am someone’s best friend. Christelle considers me as her best friend.
I’ve always said to Gabe (boi who ships us so damn much) that Christelle might not think of me as such because she has other friends. I’ve always said that she probably isn’t obsessed with me as I am with her. And while that one is probably true, our thoughts about what we were to each other don’t seem far of from what I thought.
All week, after being with her at the park, for some reason I had turned into this person who feels so lovesick without her. I had this strong desire to see her every day or at least have some attention from her. But since I don’t ever know when she is online, I rely on posting on IG for her to notice me. If she liked my photo, I’d feel so happy. If she talks to me on whatsapp, coming from a person who’s never online, It makes me so happy.
But anyway, this Wednesday, I became really excited to see her. And by excited I mean I really had butterflies in my stomach. I just couldn’t wait to see her for no particular reason. If I had to give a reason, then it’d be her smile, her laugh, her dorky expressions, her stuttering breakdowns–I was going to see and hear them again.
Maybe it was because instead of riding taxi as I usually did to practice, I waited at a bus stop for Christelle (along with her mom) to pick me up. I rode with them to church that Wednesday for the first time as her mother had suggested a week ago. Even though we all didn’t really converse much, the atmosphere in the car was chill. They truly felt like family and they kinda treated me as if I was theirs as well. Ahh, starting the afternoon with her was nice.
During practice, whenever everyone started talking and getting sidetracked from the practice, I would stare at her to help me get everyone’s focus back together. Without me even asking her to tell me, just by eye contact, she knew what I was thinking. Then after practice, she got really really excited when I played her favorite Young The Giant songs that she always says I should learn. It’s like a moment only for the two of us since nobody knew those songs. I guess that’s a big reason why she really loves me now, because I learned so much of her favorite songs just for her.
I also have such a good memory. Like I still remember how she didn’t celebrate National Day with her family at Ronali’s house last year because she was supposed to study, and it’s the same situation this year. She couldn’t even remember that, but I did, and she was so impressed. She seems to like how much I know or remember so much about her–how much I know her. It’s probably another big reason why she loves me.
Tbh it’s probably because I spoil her too much XD Or maybe it’s cuz I’m so chill that she finds the calm that she needs me since she freaking out most of the time haha
Recently I have been trying to hug her more and be affectionate with her more because I can’t take restraining myself anymore. I know it sounds weird if I say it that way, but really, it shouldn’t be. I’m just a naturally affectionate and clingy person and she kind of isn’t, that’s why I used to stop myself when it came to her. And honestly, having such a distant image from everyone now, I haven’t been as upfront with it as I could be. But now, with her, I try to go for it when I can. Do you know how happy I was being able to hold her hand for such a long time today? We played the pulse game in Wildfire today and I was able to intertwine my hands with her, and for once she didn’t have a sweaty hand xD. I’ve always wanted to hold her hand, hug her arm, lean on her, or any of those intimate shenanigans for no particular reason, so I guess that was somewhat doable. But anyway, after the sermon ended, I was able to hug her by her waist while I was sitting and she was standing, and it was in such a weird position but she went for it anyway. It was so unnatural but intimate that I liked it.
I feel like it only started to show now how much she considered me as her best friend. When Jessica was gathering people in a straight line for the pulse game so that everyone could be grouped into two, I was one of the last people to get in line. She was already in line when she called me so excitedly, and she told me to go in front of the guy in front of her so that we could be grouped together. I don’t know if she was ever like this towards me before today but I just started to notice now and haha… I guess we are best friends after all. Cuz I mean I thought she would want to do that with Alicia too, but no, she only told me to do that.
Hm. I still remember the last time this kind of thing happened,
“….I felt absolutely hurt by the way my friends were acting (I guess that’s why I wasn’t the most cheery going home). In the morning, it was all good, but after rehearsals and everything, I started getting the feeling that I was slowly going back to the lonely person that I am. Sure, I have friends, and I can joke around with them every now and then, but it seems I can never have one person for myself, one person who I can share anything with, who would always choose to stick by my side. When Chris said that we were going to be divided in groups of two, my two most beloved friends told me to sit between them so that they can be paired in the same team. They probably meant no harm with that, but I was just offended.
Little things like that depress me. I want to be with them as much as they want to be with each other but I guess I’m never anyone’s best friend. I just have no idea what I’m doing wrong. Is there a problem with me? Am I not trying hard enough? Am I not giving them enough attention? I would like to think that they do care about me, but what is that at this point when neither of them has ever read the story I wanted them to read so badly? And they go to me just to jam songs, like I’m nothing beyond my talents. I want to know them and I want them to know me, but I guess this is my fate in high school after all… I’m never anyone’s best friend.”
This was just back in March 2017 and it was about Christelle and Jessica. This really hurt me a lot then. But now. Hah. Did God just… wow. Man, He knows me too well. Seriously, those thoughts feel like a thing that occurred so long ago even though it only happened this year. How greatly things have changed.
If I told myself in the early months of 2017 the things that are happening now, she probably wouldn’t believe me.
And just to refresh my mind about God answering prayers, here’s a bit that I wrote somewhere in 2015:
“…Of course, if someone actually made the effort to try to get to know me or get closer to me, I’d be good to them and open up to them because I don’t want them to feel the same way I have been feeling for the past few years—ignored and treated as nothing special. But has anyone really listened to me and took the time to be friends with me? Hah, no… I want a friend of my own—a friend that I could call mine and a friend who would call me hers/his… I want to have a friend of my own.”
When I read this, I laughed and soon enough I had tears pulsing out of me. Has anyone listened to me and took time to be friends with me? Yes. Do I have a friend of my own? Yes. And I have more than one, which is crazy. But do I have a friend that I could call mine and that calls me hers? Well, I do now.