Yesterday was the first day of Wildfire for this season. I’m feeling all sorts of emotions—most of them I can’t really understand properly. Right now, I’m feeling down and I have no idea why. Today was a great day. There’s almost no reason I could have to feel so indifferent with my life. I should be high on happiness. I should be on high spirits. But for some reason, I don’t. And I’m frustrated that I’m feeling this way.
Okay, so first of all, I’m falling way behind the schedule or goals that I’ve written down for my school. Because of that, I’m just so frustrated at myself. I should be doing twice as much of my school work because of the empty two month summer break, but instead I have three times more to do than what I should. I’m so frustrated because my PACEs require me at least an hour for about only 3 to 5 pages, but since I put them off, I get about twice or three times more pages to do. It’s so irritating because I feel stupid. I feel like I won’t get anything done at all. I feel like if I continue to live like this, my mom would tell me to stop going to the band. If I continue to live like this, I won’t even survive college. I feel like I’m already a failure. But then, at the same time, I don’t because I put off my work for something else. I draw, write, or organize my instagram way too seriously. I do things I want to do and when I do it, I work as hard as I should be on my school work because they make me feel alive. They make me feel like I’m actually doing something worthwhile with my brain. But then again, it all feels wrong because it’s my responsibility to do school well. I’m a student. That’s my occupation.
But how can I do it well when my guts hate Trigonometry so much since I feel like I’m wasting my time learning it? U.S. Civics, on the other hand, talks about governments. It’s great to know them and all because their government does affect many countries, but every time I’m learning it, I wished I was learning about any other country besides the US. I’m just so sick of some of the topics always assuming you to apply their American beliefs. Then there’s Art class—the class I should be enjoying. I honestly hate to admit this since I should be enjoying this subject, but it’s not always fun when it’s making you draw something that you don’t want to. It’s even more burdensome since it takes me at least one or two hours to draw what they require me to draw—and that takes up way too much time. Of course, I have to do better on that subject, too, because I’ve said to myself so many times that drawing is going to be my job, and to be realistic, I probably won’t draw what I want all the damn time. The only subject that I do well on is Old Testament because I know that’s actually relevant to my life. So is the English subject, but I kind of just skid through that subject most of the time (which is not always good).
Another thing that frustrates me is that I wake up at 8, sometimes get up near 9, and start school way too late. I should start at 9AM, but usually start at around 9:30. But there are occasions when I start at 10 AM and that’s a big problem since at 11:30, I exercise with my mom for 15 minutes. Then at 12PM, it’s lunch time, and that lasts for about two hours since we watch Running Man. So I start school again at 2PM. Around 4:30, I exercise for 30 minutes. Then I take a bath for about 15 to 25 minutes. After that, I don’t feel like doing school work anymore since it’s already at about 5:30 so I do whatever at that time until 7 when it’s dinner time. That’s why I always feel like I don’t have enough time for everything. I’ve given myself only about 4 hours of school, so obviously it’s not enough. So at night, I try to do some of my school work, but I don’t always get things done since I just want to chill at night. I feel like I’ve just lost control of myself again. I lack too much discipline because I’m so forgiving of myself. I always say I can get it done later, but I’m just getting piled up with more work. It’s irritating. Even though weekends exist, I feel like there is none for me because I have a lot to work on. I don’t think I should even be writing right now because I want to get work done, but I guess I feel like it’s more important to do this now… Again, it’s me just doing whatever the heck I want at this very moment.
Then here comes first day of Wildfire.
Rewind back to the practice day at Wednesday, I’m back to being the music manager again. Even though Jessica was leading, I was the one who wrote the chord sheets, arranged the songs, and guided everyone to what they should do even though it was already written down. Surprisingly enough, although most of them still sucked at following whatever I wrote down on first look when it’s exactly as the original song is arranged, I wasn’t frustrated. Maybe it’s because Jonathan was there that I was able to just laugh it all off with him when they couldn’t get it. But for the most part, I felt great leading again. Maybe it’s because I’ve really changed my view on things these past few months. Watching Produce 101 has encouraged me a lot. Maybe in another post, I will probably explain everything I learned there, but for now, I just want to say that Sejeong encouraging Sohye was one of the most eye-opening and inspirational things to me.
If I could lead and encourage everyone like that with high-spirits, I could turn most of them into Sohye, because encouragement does work better than harsh words. Of course, I’d still be a little harsh if needed since I think it’s important to raise your voice at some occassions, too. But anyway, I was happy. It was my duty to teach all that I can before I leave, to show them how well I played, to show my dedication, and to show that I was doing all of this for God.
This year, I also personally wanted to show that I still have so much to learn and that I want to open my horizons to something more. The best option to do that was to sing. For the past three months, I’ve been trying to learn how to harmonize. I have no idea if I will ever sing in front of Wildfire because I have a lot to work on, but for now, it’s only for Christelle. I can see that she really wants to sing with someone who can harmonize well, and after such heavenly recordings of her with Vida or Nina, I’ve been inspired. Of course my voice is not as charming as theirs and it’s honestly lacking a lot, but it sounds good enough to be background when it’s on the right harmony. I want this to be a great last year for the both of us. I want to jam with her with the best of my abilities. I used to sing Good Good Father with her and I did after practice. Then I challenged myself to sing with her on Oceans and I did fairly well. I also sang a bit of When The Fight Calls with her—the song she, Jessica, Gabriel, and Sebastian had such a hard time harmonizing on. Funnily enough, I was able to do the harmony with her better than the three of them.
While I was in good spirits, when Christelle and I were about to go home, she was talking about how frustrated she was at the singers and the band as a whole. She ranted about how Jessica, Gabriel, and Sebastian weren’t doing well with singing and felt they lack so much practice. She ranted about how Jessica as a leader should know her songs well, and not come like she wasn’t prepared. She also ranted about the testimony of people last week (when they talked about how it’s okay if you weren’t good, as long as you were doing it for God) saying that even if that was the case, there should still be a strong desire to do well and improve. I was able to agree to her a lot on those things because that’s all I ever think of, too. Overall, she was just really nervous for the first Wildfire since she didn’t think Jessica, Sebastian, and Gabriel didn’t meet her expectations. For me who was so used to it, I just told her to pray about it and not worry too much because me and Jonathan were gonna be playing. As long as Jonathan and I are steady, there won’t be much to worry about.
We actually had that conversation constantly cut off because we rode a taxi that had a very talkative taxi driver who wanted to talk with us. Because of that, I wanted to talk to her more. Since I’ve been planning on going to Abu Dhabi mall to buy Mom the yellow owl cup from Paperchase, I wanted to buy it without her knowing. What better time to do that than after Wildfire? But it feels awkward going alone so if I bring Christelle with me, we’ll be able to spend time together and talk for much longer than just the 15 minutes in the taxi. So I had a really strong desire to get her to come with me after our conversation that night, but that didn’t really work out today. Maybe on some other time…
There were quite new but familiar faces on Wildfire. Some of them were probably from the Forge (Junior high group) last year. Overall the day was good—the music was great. Despite the projector not working, everyone still sang along and the energy was great. We even repeated a song at the end. Then we also jammed. Many gathered around us and there was this one Kpop fan that likes Seventeen. I called her over to show off how I know how to play EXO’s The War. I’ve seen her around before but she was at the Forge last year. Since I’ve basically said that I’m a Kpop fan, too, and that I play guitar well, she hung out around me for a while and praised me a lot for my skills. I’m pretty sure she will continue to do so now on the future. She seems to be a guitarist too, so she gets me in some way. When it was time to pack up, two girls came up to me to tell me how I was so great and amazing at the bass. I was a little flustered being approached so suddenly with those kinds of words. I swear it was almost like they were fangirling and it felt weird. They asked me which school I go to and when I told them I was homeschooled, they couldn’t believe it and seemed so amazed that I was. Since I honestly felt kind of awkward to suddenly have fangirls, I kind of just tried to casually pack up my bass, but they still hung around for a while talking to themselves, acting like fangirls I suppose. I don’t know. It just seems that way. I tried not to pay too much attention and focused on packing up so that it wouldn’t get to my head, but lol I also did that to look cooler. In the end, I’m the idiot. Popularity makes me feel weird things.
Oh, and by the way, I have been invited to play and attend Refuge again. Jonathan, more than anyone, wants me to come and play bass. He is even trying to get me to nod my head to come. With me being so unorganized with my time, I don’t know if I’m able to come to Refuge. If I do come, it takes up time and money—and it is such hassle when it usually ends late. Obviously I don’t like that. I’m gonna be participating as a listener in AWANA, which is another thing, so I don’t know if I can handle Refuge, too. Besides, Christelle doesn’t even go there so why should I? I’m just at a bit of a dilemma because I see now that Jonathan gets really hyped hearing me play bass. Everyone gets hyped with me playing bass. I do want to play with them, but I honestly don’t want to play too much instruments in one week. One gig is honestly enough since it’s so tiring. But the year has really started off quite crazy. Here I am again being needed/wanted everywhere by everyone.