Confession

It has really been crazy these past few weeks. I feel like I’m part of a teenage novel.

Ever since that farewell dinner for Edwin, I’ve gotten quite close to him through WhatsApp. As I’ve mentioned in the previous post, we have shared to each other our crushes and ever since then, we would chat every day. Since I thought I was not going to see him anymore, I was free to admit whatever I wanted and he did the same with me.

BUT. That same week (just this past Wednesday), he attended the practice one last time. I was overjoyed at first because I thought the last time I would see him was that Sunday, but then it suddenly hit me… I admitted to him that I was a little interested in Gabriel and because of that he is now shipping us too damn much. What am I supposed to do when Gabriel was coming to practice too? I knew Edwin would obviously eye the both of us together at some point. And so I couldn’t even look at Gabriel fearing Edwin would smirk at us. But anyway, I was relieved that he came because that meant I wouldn’t have to be the one mentoring Jonathan (new keyboardist) for now. I was playing guitar already so I had other things to manage. And I was also happy that I wouldn’t be going home alone with Joslin. It’s just too awkward if it was just Joslin and me. I can’t even understand what that guy says most of the time because he doesn’t open his mouth properly when he talks.

While Edwin and I were walking through the underpass near my home, he was again talking about me and Gabriel. One thing I remember in particular was him saying that the only thing that didn’t match was our height. I agree with him on that one. I mean Gabriel is basically a tower. I’m assuming he’s as tall as Kwangsoo. And what am I? I’m probably as small as TaeYeon. That’s why I can’t fully have a crush on that guy. I can’t even see his face when he’s standing. Besides, the more Edwin teases me about him, the more I lose interest XD

Anyway, during the taxi ride home, Edwin said that he was gonna miss us (again) and I said that I was gonna miss him too. I told him that I was really happy he came because I wouldn’t have to be the one teaching Jonathan. From that conversation, somehow Joslin told me something that stuck with me too much. He told me to stop being so harsh with new comers. I get where that come from because I truly do have a bit of a temper when I want people to do well. But then he also apparently came to the conclusion that some members stopped coming just because of me. Whether it was true or not, or whether it was just because I shower him with teachings more than anyone else, I took it way too personally. I couldn’t care less if that was true for Caesius, but for Calvin? To be honest, all that I ever blow up on is John and Caesius. With the rest, I just try my best to teach them so that they wouldn’t ruin the band’s flow, but I don’t blow up. So I don’t get why Prasanna would suddenly blame me for a member not coming anymore. What happened to the reasons about school? Everyone is always so busy. If anyone stopped coming just because of me, then were they even here to serve God?

With my weak and sensitive heart, the thought of people quitting just because I wanted them to do better really messed me up. I thought maybe I’m doing something wrong. But then I thought I am just trying my best to help and it’s all for the future of this band. I’m not at all being harsh to anyone. I don’t want anyone to think I’m abusing them. And so I felt absolutely tired at the thought of being a leader or a sunbae that I was yet again at the edge of giving up. Then I thought, “No, not these depressing thoughts again.” I just couldn’t take it so… I asked Edwin if I was intimidating. He said that he didn’t know about what others think, but to him, I wasn’t intimidating and that I was a legend. He said that I say what’s wrong to help him improve. He also said that he actually respected what I do.

When he said that, I started crying.

I sent him the TToTT emoji and he asked what was wrong. I told him that it was just so hard being a leader. So he encouraged me to have more faith and pray about it and that I’ll do good. I told him that I don’t really say much when people do well but I feel like I point the wrong things too quickly. And he said that I just wanted to help out and that I don’t complement them just to be good, but because I want them to do even better or to be at their best. And I…  I was just so touched.

I already knew that he would say things like that because that’s what I believed I was doing, but it still made me so damn emotional. No one has ever actually said that to me and I guess it was what I needed to hear at that moment. It was what I needed to hear after all this time…

I honestly never even wanted to be a leader, but I knew I needed to be a leader. Since I’m a 5 foot tall girl, I feel as if people won’t take me seriously unless I actually prove that I’m above everyone else so I did. I learned all basic band instruments and determined to have intermediate understanding with each one. I wanted to prove that God can use me. I wanted to prove that God can use a small Asian girl. I wanted to prove to myself that I can pass on my knowledge instead of leaving the band to chaotically play on its own.

And I guess I kind of got my teaching style from how I learned to strum. I remember my sister kept on scolding me telling me that I’m not doing it right, and I wanted to prove her wrong. And now I actually thank her for everything she said because I was able to have such a passionate desire to be even better than what I think I’m already good at.

The night after that Wednesday, Edwin messaged me continuously since I didn’t see it right away. He was calling out my name in caps lock and panicking about something and he said if I could do him a favor.

“Mia
“I need a favor”
“MIAAAAAA”
“Can u do me a favor”
“Pls”
“Pls”
“Pls”

*13 mins later*

“MIAAAAAA”
“Can u pls tell Christelle tht I liked her n stuff”
“Cuz I wasn’t brave enuf”
“Yes I admit it”
“I wasn’t brave enuf”
“Can u pls tell her”
“PLS”

I was shocked. He said that he would admit his feelings when the time is right, but now he’s asking me to do it for him? I mean yeah, I get that he’s leaving that exact night so obviously he won’t ever have the time to ever say that to her face-to-face. But I’m assuming he was able to see Christelle that same day and had all the time in the world but as he said, he wasn’t brave enuf.

So there he was saying I should say it to Christelle tomorrow and I’m here panicking as well. Apparently I was the only one who ever knew this secret of his and he trusts me with it. He doesn’t want anyone else knowing. So how the hell was I to break it to her? Christelle and I haven’t actually had a one-on-one conversation for quite a while now. We used to admit our thoughts when it was just the two of us riding the taxi together, but for a long time now we always went home with a full taxi.

So I wondered if I could take her to Al Wahda mall with me and I could break it to her there or on the taxi ride, but apparently she had to stay at church to prepare for the youth mission trip. Even though there was no other way to be with her alone any time soon, I figured I had to say it as soon as possible since Edwin trusted me to do this. So when Prasanna finally reached his introverted limit and wanted to go home (since he’ll ride with me, Gabe, and Gabe’s brother), as we prepared to leave, I took Christelle to a corner. I have been telling her since morning that I had something important to tell her. And apparently Edwin has told her that I had something important to tell her, so I’m sure she must’ve been curious about that. I knew I just had to be quick and leave her to think whatever she wants. So I took a deep breath and pointed to myself saying, “Imagine me as Edwin right now.”

She was like, “Okay…?”

I stared at her straight at the eye and I said, “I like you.”

AND MAN, I CAN NEVER FORGET HER REACTION. For a few seconds, I saw her eyes tremble as she looked absolutely petrified by what I just said. She looked sad, horrified, confused, and weirded out.

“Oh no… Since when?”

“Since back then,” I answered.

“What back then?” she was so shook by the news that I felt myself going red. She asked me since when did I know and I told her Edwin told me on that night of the farewell dinner. It took her a few seconds of awkward facial expressions until she finally said that he only saw him as a friend. I oddly felt my heart sinking when she said that but oh well, I expected it. It was the obvious answer. Even Edwin expected that. Poor Edwin. But I wonder what Christelle must be feeling? How cruel it is for him to admit his feelings right when they can’t talk it out face-to-face. And he just made it awkward between the both of them when their friendship was going so well.

The next day, it seemed like Christelle tried to stay friends with him, casually asking how he was in India. It’s obvious that she didn’t want to break up their friendship because of that. I find that really endearing. But now that she’s trying to stay friends with him, Edwin imagined them meeting in college again or something or she’d be working under him or vice versa. It seems like he still have high hopes that she will develop feelings for him, but I doubted it. I wanted to tell him that if he loves her, he will have to learn how to let her go if ever she does not share the same feeling, but I remembered I didn’t have to say that. He always thought that Christelle has a crush on John’s younger brother John (yeah they’re both Johns) and always tries to let her admit it (btw something I wish wasn’t true cuz the John bros are just eghh). I guess he was basically ready for it–to ship her with someone else. But still, poor guy.

Oh, and apparently he hates it when people call him “bro”. He told me to stop calling him that just a few days before. I didn’t know why he detests it so much but I now know why. That Saturday (when Christelle’s trying to stay friends with him), he sent me a screencap of Chrsitelle who kept calling him bro. “Y does she always call me bro???” He said along with 6 TToTT emojis. He was brotherzoned. I’m assuming that must hurt more than friendzone! XD

I wonder, though… Do I have a good sense in guessing if someone is interested in someone? I mean it all started with Caesius and Jessica always hanging around each other which resulted to that cheesy beach dance… that ship didn’t exactly last. But I did have a feeling that there was something about Nithin and Jessica before I even knew that they were actually dating.

With Edwin and Christelle’s case, I was just shipping them without much thought. I just thought they looked like a couple when they always argued with each other. They always argued about helping one another. When Christelle insists on contributing for the taxi fare, Edwin would never let her and they’d argue about that. When Christelle wants to help him carry his keyboard stand for him, Edwin would barely let her help and they would again argue about that. Basically, they just argued most of the time, and they always teased each other. When they’re talking to each other, I just find myself staring at them with a smile. I often pointed out with a smirk that they were always arguing. I guess I was shipping them that way, and Edwin caught me. I honestly didn’t even realize I was shipping them until he told me in the taxi to stop shipping them. I guess I’m sure know why he even brought it up in the first place. He knew Christelle doesn’t look at him the same way he looks at her.

Now that I think about it, Edwin always tried to be nice to her. I remember that night of the farewell dinner, Christelle didn’t eat and Edwin kept insisting she should at least get a chicken strip from him. She kept insisting she wasn’t hungry but Edwin just kept arguing (again) with her to take one. Seriously, they were already like a married couple because of all the arguing. But anyway, I was right between them at that moment. I didn’t even know then that he had a crush on her, but I totally felt Edwin’s real heart at that moment and that he was just caring for her. It blows my mind how Christelle only finds him as friend after all things I’ve been catching Edwin do for her.

Since I also cared for her, I wanted her to eat, too.  I had to step up and say that she should take at least a small piece. She still argued that she wasn’t hungry, but I just said that I’m older and that she should obey me, and that finally made her eat a small piece.

Anyway, teenage relationships are actually still so weird to me. I don’t get how teens manage to start them… Or I mean, yeah, I get how they start them but to me, it feels like such a big risk to jump into one at this age. Even when I imagined being with Gabriel at some point, I can’t fully put myself up for it because all this young love just doesn’t seem all that wise. I mean, yeah, feelings can’t be helped sometimes, but I guess I have this strong mentality that I can’t date unless I can fare off by myself without the help of my parents. And I can’t confess my love to someone unless I’m absolutely sure about what I feel and absolutely sure that we’re on the same page. So in the meantime, I’ll learn from the love stories of those around me until it is the right time I can get into it.

In the famous words of Hyorin:

 

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