♫ 1705-06

Top 15 favorite songs of May and June

Deep Blue Eyes (Prod. By 진영) – Girls Next Door (옆소)
Attention – Charlie Puth
RING RING (Feat. 개코) – Sik-K(식케이)
위잉위잉 – Hyukoh (혁오)
와리가리 Comes and Goes – Hyukoh (혁오)
일주일 (247) (Feat. Zion.T, Crush, DEAN) – Junggigo (정기고)
Fantasy – Junggigo (정기고)
너란 봄 (Feat. 하림) – Jung Eunji (Apink-정은지)
애처럼 굴지마 (Feat. 기리보이) – SISTAR (씨스타)
SHAKE IT – SISTAR (씨스타)
Make It Mine – Jason Mraz
Broken Strings – James Morrison
처음 느껴본 이별 (Feat. 곽진언) – Jung Eunji (Apink-정은지)
Lucky ft. Colbie Caillat – Jason Mraz
Coyotes – Jason Mraz

Top 5 songs that made me happy
Deep Blue Eyes (Prod. By 진영) – Girls Next Door (옆소)
Let Me Love You (ft. 찬열 of EXO) – Junggigo (정기고)
SHAKE IT – SISTAR (씨스타)
너란 봄 (Feat. 하림) – Jung Eunji (Apink-정은지)
소녀의 소년– Jung Eunji (Apink-정은지)

Top song that made me sad
꽃길 (Prod. By 지코(ZICO) – Sejeong (구구단-세정)

Top song that made me feel
Lucky ft. Colbie Caillat – Jason Mraz

 

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Forgotten

As my last day of Wildfire for this season came closer, I thought surely nothing bad will happen, right? I’d just cleanly say bye to my friends and jump on a plane headed to my birthplace without bad thoughts and we’re all good.

But nope. God decided there was one more thing he wanted to show me before I can end that chapter of my life.

On Thursday night, just before my last day for this season, I went on instagram without much thought. I usually watch random people’s instagram out of impulse rather than me being actually interested. So I was just letting them play without my attention fully on them. But then it played Christelle’s IG story and what I saw messed me up.

She was in an Ethiopian restaurant with almost all of the girls in Wildfire. Now, there are very few girls in that youth group. 3/4 of Wildfire consists of guys. Because of that, we girls are all quite familiar with each other. One already left for college, and two are about to. One of them, Nina Metsni, had been saying for the past few weeks that she wants to invite us to eat at an Ethiopian restaurant since she was going to leave for college. So yeah, we we’re all looking forward to it. I also told her to invite me because I’ll definitely be coming (because I’ve known her for so long and I did cherish her a lot as a friend).

But there I was that Thursday staring at my phone for a few seconds. All of the girls were in an Ethiopian restaurant, except Sarah (Pastor’s daughter). All of the girls were there, and I was just sitting in my room, speechless. I helplessly thought of so many things. I told Nina to invite me so many times and I was waiting for her to contact me. I thought maybe it’s just because my phone was on airplane mode that I couldn’t see any texts so I turned it off, but still, nothing. Not a message. Not a call. Not a heads up. So why wasn’t I invited? How could she forget me? Did I do something wrong to her? And how could she invite Keziah (the super shy girl who never talks) and not invite me? But I also thought, even if I wasn’t invited, how come no one at least contacted me to ask why I’m not there? I’m the least busy person in that group, I’m sure, and I always emphasize that to them. Caitlin kept saying she’ll miss me, but did she ever notice that I wasn’t there? What about Christelle? I’ve confessed to her how lonely I usually am but she didn’t care to contact me. So no matter how I think about it, it just doesn’t make any sense. I was hurt.

It mentally messed me up that I was forgotten again right at this very time of the year. Because I remember just last year around July, the band that I thought I was close with all hung out with each other, but I’m the only one not there. Basically, the feelings that I wrote about on “Who Knows Me” (minus the suicide part) resurfaced. The situation was so similar that I just felt so miserable. “Not again…” I kept repeating in my head until I just started crying. It was just so unbelievable to think history would repeat like this when I thought none of these kinds of problems would ever arise again.

I thought maybe God was punishing me for being so picky with my friends the day before. Because at Wednesday, Joslin was basically offering me and Gabriel a ride, but I just subtly rejected it. Ever since Edwin went away, the thought of being alone in the car with Joslin was just so awkward to me because I can’t ever understand that guy and he’s too quiet. I admit, I was subtly avoiding Prasanna intentionally ever since Edwin left. I know I shouldn’t have, but I just wanted save myself from the awkward silence. And that got me riding with the John brothers. And maaaaaan, let’s just say I should’ve ridden with Prasanna and Gabriel instead since John is just… John is John. What was supposed to be a 15 minute ride became 30.

So I guess I’ve already been a little miserable since that night and to get surprised by the Ethiopian dinner made me feel even worse. But then I thought, I shouldn’t bottle this all up to myself. I had to get it out somehow and so while I was crying on my seat, I directed those cries to God. All I remember was just saying a bunch of “Why” at God.

After my cries died down for a bit but with my heart still feeling bitter, I posted a snapchat with nothing but “Why.” I didn’t really think anyone would honestly care about that since nobody follows me that much on snapchat anyway. I felt it was just the only way I could rant. But about a few minutes or so later, Edwin sees it and asks what’s wrong.

Man, that guy…

Since he was caring enough to ask me, I couldn’t help but just want to tell him everything that upset me. So I sent him a whatsapp of the TToTT emoji and he asked me again. But then he said good night right after and that we should talk tomorrow so I didn’t have time to tell him anything. Even if I wasn’t able to vent to him at that time, just the fact that he responded made me feel slightly better. At least he cares.

So all night, up till the morning, I was creating scenarios in my head on how to confront the girls that went on that dinner. At this point their images are just so ruined to me because I feel like they just screwed me over. I was thinking of salty comebacks and dramatic scenes. Basically all of the things I imagined seemed like they could end the friendship and I just couldn’t think of any ways to reconcile with them. It felt impossible and I felt awful. I just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to cut ties with them this way, but my feelings were trampled. I just couldn’t think properly. It just depressed me so much. But since I prayed so much to God, I hoped He would not let my imaginations let loose. I prayed he wouldn’t end things like this. I prayed He would fix this situation for me in His own way.

And oh my God, He did.

When we got to church, I tried really hard to be cheerful in front of my parents, but every time I thought of meeting my friends a few hours later, my stomach would just crumple. As I said, everything just felt ruined to me. The image I had of my friends just fell apart. But then, the pastor’s sermon… was about reconciliation. It was about Joseph being reconciled by his brothers who totally screwed him over. And I… wow. I just. Okay, um, so I knew I had to listen closely. Basically, the point of that whole sermon was that there is reconciliation when you have God and after that my heart was just so ready for how my own situation will turn out.

And what do you know, right after the service ended, there was Jessica just a row behind me. She was supposed to attend the service at the main hall, but since she woke up late, she arrived late and thus attended the overflow room. Now that I think about it, it’s not at all a mistake for her to wake up that late even though she thought so. I feel like God did that on purpose—for me. Because the moment the service ended and Jessica and I met eyes, I couldn’t stay angry at her. She greeted me so warmly that I just didn’t have it in me to blow up at her any time soon.

When we finally got out of the overflow room together, I was able to gently ask if she had fun last night (at the dinner). She said yeah and asked me why I didn’t come. I was able to say that I just wasn’t invited and she was shocked that I wasn’t. Apparently she didn’t even know that I was not invited because it was just Nina who organized it all. Because I was basically left out, Jessica said that she will definitely talk about this with her and scold her for it. Those words started to make me feel better.

At Wildfire, Christelle and Caitlin pretty much said the same thing, that they had no idea who was coming or not and felt really bad that I wasn’t invited. Even Nardeen (our only female leader) who also went to the dinner, felt bad that I wasn’t invited. She was really sorry, and she said that they did not mean anything by it. So since everyone basically felt bad for me and was sorry that I wasn’t invited, my heart felt lighter. I still don’t know how I feel about Nina, though. She hasn’t contacted me at all. I don’t want to hate her. I just don’t know what to think about her. I’m just disappointed, I guess. I thought we were really good friends, too. I drew her. twice. I gave her a piece of myself. I gave her courage to go up on stage to say a piece she had written once. I don’t know how she could just forget me like that. I thought I at least meant something to her…

With the drama finished, I was back to my cheery self again. When Wildfire ended, Christelle, Vida, and I jammed and oh, how I loved every second they sang together. Christelle and Vida thought so, too. I was so happy that they sang together. I knew Christelle needed to taste the good feeling of singing with someone who knows what they’re doing at least once and Vida was the perfect person for it. Vida’s voice always seem to fit anyone else’s with her soulful, soft voice. When she harmonizes, she gives the main vocalist a huge boost. It fit Christelle’s loud voice so much. Since Christelle likes harmonizing as well, she was able to finally do it comfortably when Vida takes the lead.

Since we were enjoying and losing our minds at how good we were sounding, we just wanted to jam some more. So I figured, hey it’s my last day for this season and I might not be able to hear this majestic pair together again. So I invited them to jam at my house and they were both up for it.

So we jammed for an hour and a half and I was basically in Heaven every time they sang. And since I basically had this idea for a while now of mashing up Charlie Puth’s We Don’t Talk anymore with Justin Beiber’s Sorry, when they pulled it off (not exactly how I wanted but it was still so damn good) I was just so happy. We also sang an emo verision of I Knew You Were Trouble. Then I See Fire, When I Was Young, Shape Of You, and some gospel songs. We even shot a video of some of it and I’m still waiting for Vida to send me those…

After jamming, Vida asked me to go watch with a bunch of Wildfire friends Wonder Woman later at 6. Actually, she had been saying I should come ever since Wildfire ended. Since I’m never exactly sure if I’m going to sudden hangouts, I never answer yes. And as we have learned… people here don’t know what “I’m not coming” means. They’d literally tell you to go nonstop. I didn’t even want to go since I already watched Wonder Woman with my parents, but when Vida told me to come after our jam session, I thought differently. I mean Vida—I can’t really refuse her. She reminds me a lot of my oldest girl cousin. She has that kind of innocent and fun charm that I can’t say no to. And since Christelle also decided to come, I had almost no choice. I had to go. It was my last wildfire day for the season anyway and I’m not gonna see a lot of those Wildfire people for the next 3 months. What’s there to lose? I should have fun. I should forget about what disappointed me the night before. I should make better memories!

So I went, and it was a little early. Basically, we waited for about one and a half hours for everyone to arrive. Since the movie was still around 9, we decided we should eat for now. And so, I went with some of them to the extension of the mall. Around that time, which was 7 or 8, there were so many people on every restaurant. As for me who’s so easy going, I just decided to order whatever my friends would on McDonalds, but seeing the long ass line, I knew I had to make a choice. I cannot stand in line just to order some unhealthy crap, so I waited for an escape route to that place. When Christelle called Vida saying she was finally at the mall, I took that as thing to excuse myself from McDonalds. I decided to walk back (with the younger John) at the main mall’s food court to find Christelle and order at the best burger place, MAX. For me who hates being on lines or any place in general that has too many people, MAX was a treat since few people order from that even at the peak hours of dinner. It taste healthier than the other burger fastfood chains, too. And so, after getting our own food, we had about an hour of just talking and making jokes at the food court. We were there for so long that we were able to see the crowds of people come down until there were like just two to three filled tables around that wide space. We obviously stayed there for a long time just to watch Wonder Woman.

When we finally got to the theater, we took some pictures. Then we watched Wonder Woman. I had a little bit of greed when it came to the seats. The younger John told Christelle to save him a seat but I casually sat at that seat since I wanted to be beside Christelle. Besides, Edwin has said that they might have a thing going on and hey, I don’t ship them at all. Might as well be a cockblock for now lol. Since I watched the movie already, I was able to tell her and Sebastian some little details here and there. I really liked the movie even after watching it the second time, but what made this one better was Christelle’s reactions. She was so noisy and she kept saying “yaaasss” at all the scenes when Wonder Woman was being a badass. She would even cheer and clap when she did something great. It was the funniest thing ever.

After that, the time was about 12PM and my mom was already texting me to go home. After the movie we were still taking pictures and saying goodbye to each other so I wasn’t able to go home quickly. Since I didn’t want to make the same mistake of not telling my mom when I’ll be home, I texted her every instance when I know I’ll be held by my friends. By doing that, at least I didn’t get a scolding when I got home. All was good. The whole day ended nicely.

Or did it…?

I went home and saw Edwin had left me some messages. After Christelle and Vida left my house in the afternoon, Edwin and I chatted for a while. I told him about us jamming and how heavenly their voices were. And then I asked about his day. He was still depressed about what happened to him–suddenly going to college and all that. I told him I’d pray for him and he was thankful for that. Since he opened up to me a little, I opened up myself too and told him the reason for my breakdown last night. I told him about how it messed me up not being invited for that Ethiopian restaurant farewell or whatever. He said he saw those posts too and he was baffled as well seeing that I wasn’t there.  Even he knew that Keziah being there made no sense either. I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed those things. But I told him I was finally okay and that I didn’t upset me anymore. And so he says bye saying he has to study. The conversation ends and I got ready to head to the mall to watch Wonder Woman. But an hour after he said goodbye, he comes back again and asks if Christelle had worn a pink top earlier. Since I wasn’t at home, I didn’t see it and he sent messages like “Mia? U there? Hello?”

So when I finally came back at home, at 12 am I replied to him. I aslo said sorry since I watched Wonder Woman with people. I didn’t say Wildfire fearing he’d get jealous, but I guess that wasn’t right to say…

He replies the coming morning with “Now I know what it felt like when the girls went for Ethiopian night. And now, when all you guys go for a movie, and I’m not even mentioned, like not even brought up, like not even like ‘gosh I wish Edwin was here’… So yeah, now I know what it felt.”

The moment I read that, my heart just froze. I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings. The least I wanted was for him to hurt the same way I did just two nights before. So I said to him that everyone said that they did wish he was there but it didn’t exactly cheer him up. And so he continues to say,

        “It’s okay, I guess. I think I deserve all of this. Like I’m such a dumbf*** (he literally wrote dumbf***) Like what was I even thinking. Geez man. I think I’ll buy a cave now and just think how life will add up.”

I quickly replied, “Why, what makes you a dumbfukc? I mean we all are pretty much one.” I said that because I recognized his feelings. It’s his depression and he’s starting to hate himself. I’ve dealt with my own self-hatred by myself in the past but seeing that he was being verbal about it is actually sad and negative and it just hurt me. My conscience couldn’t handle it if I could not make him feel better.

      “Nah, you guys are pretty much some of the coolest people I’ve ever met… even though I bumped into Mark Zuckerberg in Dubai.”

       “Hey I look at you that way, too,” I replied, dismissing his reply to make this all lighter. “And I look at myself as someone who sucks so much.”

          “Pls. Well you think wrong about yourself then.”

        “Even though you think I’m a legend, I have thoughts that are horrible.” And as I quoted what he said (Well you think wrong about yourself then), I said, “And you think wrong about yourself, too.”

          “Nah, you’re like the legend of legends,” he says to me.

          “And did you that even though I’m a “legend”, without all the things that made me one, I’m basically a loser?”

          “Nah, are you kidding me rn!??! You and loser are two different worlds.”

          “I’m not good at making friends. Man I don’t even think I could be friends with guys until you came along.”

          “Pls. Who was Joslin then?”

         “You included me when I feel a little left out. Joslin is another story. We were never really close and I don’t think we’ll ever be.”

         “What about John Surya? What about Jordan? What about Jonathan? And the ex wildfire band?”

          “John is an okay friend but I can’t keep up with him and I just tease him. Jordan is just a leader to me and a spiritual guide.”

            “Wow.”

           “Jonathan is just my music buddy. He’s not exactly what I can call a close friend. I consider very few people my ‘friend’ and to think that I could call you a close friend already says so much about you.”

He seems to be shocked by that at that point that he just poured out to me, “Okay fine, you got me. I’m actually really sad. Like after lurking at the groupie, like I cried a lot. And then I messaged you. Since Gabe was not gonna reply early… And plus you are online every time XDDDDDD.” He must be really upset when I didn’t answer that afternoon if he thought I would reply so quickly when in fact I was part of the group he wanted to be in. I completely understood what he felt so I continue to make him feel better.

           “Aw, tbh this school year is the only year I felt I had such good friends.”

           “Ha.”

           “But of all 8 years I’ve been here, I was like you.”

          “But I feel sad for you. You are gonna graduate like so early. Your height isn’t even eligible XDDD Jk. I’m not height-ist. RIP ENGLISH XDDDDDD”

           Dismissing his joke, I said, “I was always crying whenever I see a group of people that are my friends and to see I’m never there.”

           “Oh man… that’s sad… :(”

          “That’s why I cherish everyone as much as I can… and cry to God as much as I can when I get hurt seeing those things. Because I’ve felt it too many times thinking I’m never anyone’s close friend but then this school year happened and I became close with Christelle. And we’re basically sharing these stuff about ourselves right now.”

         “Hmmmmm. Wow. Jus wow. Like I still can’t believe that one of ma bestie is a Filipino Legend who’s basically a Panda and can play any instrument…”

            *I send bunch of Panda emojis*

            “Well more like a shorter version of panda. XDDDDDDD Jk.”

            “I can’t deny it’s tru XDDD” I said, finally letting him do those jokes. If he takes joy in teasing me, if he feels slightly better by doing so, then I’ll let him do whatever he pleases.

That night, I was just overwhelmed with so much happiness and thankfulness. I realized that the thing I used to pray and wonder about is actually coming true. This is from one of the first blogs I’ve ever posted, and I’ve quoted it a few times before:

“Life truly is something. Through so much let down, one can have the urge to give up. But I’ve realized that after all these different relationships, there were so much things I’ve learned from each of them, not just about friendship, but also about myself—things that were once a mystery to me…. I believe my different experiences with different friendships prepare me for the future. It’s slowly molding me to be the perfect piece that I should be when that one person comes—for that soul mate out there somewhere in the world living right now, for that person who will always stand by me.

But one thing I might want to change on that quote is the last part.

It’s slowly molding me to be the perfect piece that I should be when that one person comes—for that soul mate out there somewhere in the world living right now, for that person who will always stand by me.

“It’s slowly molding me to be the perfect piece that I should be when the right person comes, or for the people who will need the love I have to offer.”

It can’t just be about me wanting things from people anymore because God has molded me into someone that can show His love. So I’m not even going to ask for new friends so that I can make myself any happier. Although that would be good, the only thing I want this coming year is for my current friends to stay being friends with me. If new people come in, whether in the near future or next year, what I’m gonna ask is for God to give me a friend that can lean on me, open up to me, so that I can do the same. We could build each other up because it seems that’s what real friendship is all about.

There’s more to learn about the world around me and I pray God shows me His ways again on this new coming season.

Confession

It has really been crazy these past few weeks. I feel like I’m part of a teenage novel.

Ever since that farewell dinner for Edwin, I’ve gotten quite close to him through WhatsApp. As I’ve mentioned in the previous post, we have shared to each other our crushes and ever since then, we would chat every day. Since I thought I was not going to see him anymore, I was free to admit whatever I wanted and he did the same with me.

BUT. That same week (just this past Wednesday), he attended the practice one last time. I was overjoyed at first because I thought the last time I would see him was that Sunday, but then it suddenly hit me… I admitted to him that I was a little interested in Gabriel and because of that he is now shipping us too damn much. What am I supposed to do when Gabriel was coming to practice too? I knew Edwin would obviously eye the both of us together at some point. And so I couldn’t even look at Gabriel fearing Edwin would smirk at us. But anyway, I was relieved that he came because that meant I wouldn’t have to be the one mentoring Jonathan (new keyboardist) for now. I was playing guitar already so I had other things to manage. And I was also happy that I wouldn’t be going home alone with Joslin. It’s just too awkward if it was just Joslin and me. I can’t even understand what that guy says most of the time because he doesn’t open his mouth properly when he talks.

While Edwin and I were walking through the underpass near my home, he was again talking about me and Gabriel. One thing I remember in particular was him saying that the only thing that didn’t match was our height. I agree with him on that one. I mean Gabriel is basically a tower. I’m assuming he’s as tall as Kwangsoo. And what am I? I’m probably as small as TaeYeon. That’s why I can’t fully have a crush on that guy. I can’t even see his face when he’s standing. Besides, the more Edwin teases me about him, the more I lose interest XD

Anyway, during the taxi ride home, Edwin said that he was gonna miss us (again) and I said that I was gonna miss him too. I told him that I was really happy he came because I wouldn’t have to be the one teaching Jonathan. From that conversation, somehow Joslin told me something that stuck with me too much. He told me to stop being so harsh with new comers. I get where that come from because I truly do have a bit of a temper when I want people to do well. But then he also apparently came to the conclusion that some members stopped coming just because of me. Whether it was true or not, or whether it was just because I shower him with teachings more than anyone else, I took it way too personally. I couldn’t care less if that was true for Caesius, but for Calvin? To be honest, all that I ever blow up on is John and Caesius. With the rest, I just try my best to teach them so that they wouldn’t ruin the band’s flow, but I don’t blow up. So I don’t get why Prasanna would suddenly blame me for a member not coming anymore. What happened to the reasons about school? Everyone is always so busy. If anyone stopped coming just because of me, then were they even here to serve God?

With my weak and sensitive heart, the thought of people quitting just because I wanted them to do better really messed me up. I thought maybe I’m doing something wrong. But then I thought I am just trying my best to help and it’s all for the future of this band. I’m not at all being harsh to anyone. I don’t want anyone to think I’m abusing them. And so I felt absolutely tired at the thought of being a leader or a sunbae that I was yet again at the edge of giving up. Then I thought, “No, not these depressing thoughts again.” I just couldn’t take it so… I asked Edwin if I was intimidating. He said that he didn’t know about what others think, but to him, I wasn’t intimidating and that I was a legend. He said that I say what’s wrong to help him improve. He also said that he actually respected what I do.

When he said that, I started crying.

I sent him the TToTT emoji and he asked what was wrong. I told him that it was just so hard being a leader. So he encouraged me to have more faith and pray about it and that I’ll do good. I told him that I don’t really say much when people do well but I feel like I point the wrong things too quickly. And he said that I just wanted to help out and that I don’t complement them just to be good, but because I want them to do even better or to be at their best. And I…  I was just so touched.

I already knew that he would say things like that because that’s what I believed I was doing, but it still made me so damn emotional. No one has ever actually said that to me and I guess it was what I needed to hear at that moment. It was what I needed to hear after all this time…

I honestly never even wanted to be a leader, but I knew I needed to be a leader. Since I’m a 5 foot tall girl, I feel as if people won’t take me seriously unless I actually prove that I’m above everyone else so I did. I learned all basic band instruments and determined to have intermediate understanding with each one. I wanted to prove that God can use me. I wanted to prove that God can use a small Asian girl. I wanted to prove to myself that I can pass on my knowledge instead of leaving the band to chaotically play on its own.

And I guess I kind of got my teaching style from how I learned to strum. I remember my sister kept on scolding me telling me that I’m not doing it right, and I wanted to prove her wrong. And now I actually thank her for everything she said because I was able to have such a passionate desire to be even better than what I think I’m already good at.

The night after that Wednesday, Edwin messaged me continuously since I didn’t see it right away. He was calling out my name in caps lock and panicking about something and he said if I could do him a favor.

“Mia
“I need a favor”
“MIAAAAAA”
“Can u do me a favor”
“Pls”
“Pls”
“Pls”

*13 mins later*

“MIAAAAAA”
“Can u pls tell Christelle tht I liked her n stuff”
“Cuz I wasn’t brave enuf”
“Yes I admit it”
“I wasn’t brave enuf”
“Can u pls tell her”
“PLS”

I was shocked. He said that he would admit his feelings when the time is right, but now he’s asking me to do it for him? I mean yeah, I get that he’s leaving that exact night so obviously he won’t ever have the time to ever say that to her face-to-face. But I’m assuming he was able to see Christelle that same day and had all the time in the world but as he said, he wasn’t brave enuf.

So there he was saying I should say it to Christelle tomorrow and I’m here panicking as well. Apparently I was the only one who ever knew this secret of his and he trusts me with it. He doesn’t want anyone else knowing. So how the hell was I to break it to her? Christelle and I haven’t actually had a one-on-one conversation for quite a while now. We used to admit our thoughts when it was just the two of us riding the taxi together, but for a long time now we always went home with a full taxi.

So I wondered if I could take her to Al Wahda mall with me and I could break it to her there or on the taxi ride, but apparently she had to stay at church to prepare for the youth mission trip. Even though there was no other way to be with her alone any time soon, I figured I had to say it as soon as possible since Edwin trusted me to do this. So when Prasanna finally reached his introverted limit and wanted to go home (since he’ll ride with me, Gabe, and Gabe’s brother), as we prepared to leave, I took Christelle to a corner. I have been telling her since morning that I had something important to tell her. And apparently Edwin has told her that I had something important to tell her, so I’m sure she must’ve been curious about that. I knew I just had to be quick and leave her to think whatever she wants. So I took a deep breath and pointed to myself saying, “Imagine me as Edwin right now.”

She was like, “Okay…?”

I stared at her straight at the eye and I said, “I like you.”

AND MAN, I CAN NEVER FORGET HER REACTION. For a few seconds, I saw her eyes tremble as she looked absolutely petrified by what I just said. She looked sad, horrified, confused, and weirded out.

“Oh no… Since when?”

“Since back then,” I answered.

“What back then?” she was so shook by the news that I felt myself going red. She asked me since when did I know and I told her Edwin told me on that night of the farewell dinner. It took her a few seconds of awkward facial expressions until she finally said that he only saw him as a friend. I oddly felt my heart sinking when she said that but oh well, I expected it. It was the obvious answer. Even Edwin expected that. Poor Edwin. But I wonder what Christelle must be feeling? How cruel it is for him to admit his feelings right when they can’t talk it out face-to-face. And he just made it awkward between the both of them when their friendship was going so well.

The next day, it seemed like Christelle tried to stay friends with him, casually asking how he was in India. It’s obvious that she didn’t want to break up their friendship because of that. I find that really endearing. But now that she’s trying to stay friends with him, Edwin imagined them meeting in college again or something or she’d be working under him or vice versa. It seems like he still have high hopes that she will develop feelings for him, but I doubted it. I wanted to tell him that if he loves her, he will have to learn how to let her go if ever she does not share the same feeling, but I remembered I didn’t have to say that. He always thought that Christelle has a crush on John’s younger brother John (yeah they’re both Johns) and always tries to let her admit it (btw something I wish wasn’t true cuz the John bros are just eghh). I guess he was basically ready for it–to ship her with someone else. But still, poor guy.

Oh, and apparently he hates it when people call him “bro”. He told me to stop calling him that just a few days before. I didn’t know why he detests it so much but I now know why. That Saturday (when Christelle’s trying to stay friends with him), he sent me a screencap of Chrsitelle who kept calling him bro. “Y does she always call me bro???” He said along with 6 TToTT emojis. He was brotherzoned. I’m assuming that must hurt more than friendzone! XD

I wonder, though… Do I have a good sense in guessing if someone is interested in someone? I mean it all started with Caesius and Jessica always hanging around each other which resulted to that cheesy beach dance… that ship didn’t exactly last. But I did have a feeling that there was something about Nithin and Jessica before I even knew that they were actually dating.

With Edwin and Christelle’s case, I was just shipping them without much thought. I just thought they looked like a couple when they always argued with each other. They always argued about helping one another. When Christelle insists on contributing for the taxi fare, Edwin would never let her and they’d argue about that. When Christelle wants to help him carry his keyboard stand for him, Edwin would barely let her help and they would again argue about that. Basically, they just argued most of the time, and they always teased each other. When they’re talking to each other, I just find myself staring at them with a smile. I often pointed out with a smirk that they were always arguing. I guess I was shipping them that way, and Edwin caught me. I honestly didn’t even realize I was shipping them until he told me in the taxi to stop shipping them. I guess I’m sure know why he even brought it up in the first place. He knew Christelle doesn’t look at him the same way he looks at her.

Now that I think about it, Edwin always tried to be nice to her. I remember that night of the farewell dinner, Christelle didn’t eat and Edwin kept insisting she should at least get a chicken strip from him. She kept insisting she wasn’t hungry but Edwin just kept arguing (again) with her to take one. Seriously, they were already like a married couple because of all the arguing. But anyway, I was right between them at that moment. I didn’t even know then that he had a crush on her, but I totally felt Edwin’s real heart at that moment and that he was just caring for her. It blows my mind how Christelle only finds him as friend after all things I’ve been catching Edwin do for her.

Since I also cared for her, I wanted her to eat, too.  I had to step up and say that she should take at least a small piece. She still argued that she wasn’t hungry, but I just said that I’m older and that she should obey me, and that finally made her eat a small piece.

Anyway, teenage relationships are actually still so weird to me. I don’t get how teens manage to start them… Or I mean, yeah, I get how they start them but to me, it feels like such a big risk to jump into one at this age. Even when I imagined being with Gabriel at some point, I can’t fully put myself up for it because all this young love just doesn’t seem all that wise. I mean, yeah, feelings can’t be helped sometimes, but I guess I have this strong mentality that I can’t date unless I can fare off by myself without the help of my parents. And I can’t confess my love to someone unless I’m absolutely sure about what I feel and absolutely sure that we’re on the same page. So in the meantime, I’ll learn from the love stories of those around me until it is the right time I can get into it.

In the famous words of Hyorin:

 

A Good Bye

Remember the prediction of how my year will go back in December 31, 2016 to January 1? How there were fireworks, but when it ended, I felt a little melancholy? Yeah, uh, I think that just happened these past few weeks.

Last Friday was Illuminate. The whole day was definitely full of fireworks. To start off, I played the tambourine for the very first time! Now what am I doing with that when I could play other instruments? Was I playing the cahon? How could I be degraded to such a small and simple instrument? Actually, I still played the bass. I just had the tambourine under my right foot for two songs because we wanted it for Build Your Kingdom Here. No one else would do it so I decided to try out. So I guess that’s another addition to the list of things I could do in the band: playing bass and tambourine at the same time. However, since I had kind of a weak balance with my foot on the tambourine, playing the ever so complicated bass line for Build Your Kingdom was kind of torture. Don’t get me wrong, it was a good and satisfying torture hahaha… but gosh if only I had raised my strap a little higher so that my arm wouldn’t get so stiff…

After Wildfire, we had to wait till’ 3:30 with the younger group so a lot of people were in the room while we jammed. Jonathan was so amazed by how smooth my bass is while I taught him how to play Alive by Hillsong. Meanwhile I was on the cahon playing along to whatever song that plays. Then after that, I played the bass line for Charlie Puth’s Attention and a lot of the people there were amazed that I could play that. Some girl even told me to play it again just so that she could take a video of it.

After we packed up the equipment, we went to Nardeen (youth leader’s house that was on the same floor) to pass time as we wait for the buses to arrive.

At that time I was already low on energy that I knew I had to get some rest somehow. So I just sat at a chair and covered my face with my Line Bear mask. Since Chris had another game other than the board game Nardeen was going to play, a lot of people decided to move back to the youth room. Among those people, the same girl who took a video of me noticed it on the way out and asked if I was a Kpop fan and I said yes. Then she asked who my favorite band was and I just showed her my Girls’ Generation bracelet… to which she immediately says, “Oh, I’m only into boygroups.” And then immediately leaves. I don’t know if I’m thinking way into this, maybe I am, but it seemed like she immediately shut me out knowing my favorite was the queen of girl groups and not any boy group. Does she think I’m not into boy groups just because GG is my favorite? Oh if only she knew I like BTS, EXO, GOT7, SHINee and other boy groups’ music.

Well, I guess I don’t really stan any boy group. Though to be honest, I don’t stan and I don’t think I can stan anyone else other than Girls’ Generation. It’s somehow getting harder for me to invest time in getting to know people I have no idea about. I guess I could know a thing or two about people here and there and that’s unavoidable, but to be in too deep as I am with SNSD is just not possible. Maybe I’m just way too Girls’ Generation biased? And since TaeYeon is basically an artist by herself now, I feel like I’m basically stanning her as a whole artist. Oh, and I guess I’m also very into IU, too. That’s really all I “stan.” And lately I just search K-indie or underground Korean Hip-hop/R&B music these days that I feel like I’m a bit of a hipster K-pop fan now. I haven’t been getting into new fandoms because I can’t, so all I really do is just search for music that I like.

Agh… It’s so rare to find a K-pop friend here when you’re not exactly that enthusiastic about the new groups rising up. I guess not having that much interest or dedication in pop culture really is part of growing older?

When we were already in the bus, I was planning in getting some kind of sleep, but that was almost impossible to do. Christelle and I were two of what, the four girls in the bus? It was filled with guys and they were really noisy, even Nardeen. For about 30 minutes or something, they played the Heads Up game until Christelle finally woke up and joined them so she became part of the noise, too. Eventually she and I switched seats and I got the window seat so that she could play better. And so it went on for I think an hour or something while I was trying to get some sleep. I could hardly get any rest though since the sun was beating down on me so it was hot, and the noise in the bus was almost deafening.

At some point, the noise kind of died down and Gabriel was watching some dances on his iPad. After he watched that, I told him if he wanted to watch Kpop with me and so he sat beside me. Now I’m very picky with who I want to watch kpop with. I won’t even bother if they show signs that they just don’t care at all, but if someone is interested, especially in *ehem* SNSD *ehem*, you better know I’m making my moves. And so I found an opportunity…

Actually, about a week or so before that, I mentioned A M N E S I A in our group prayer time in the band (more known as “circle time”). I mentioned how inspiring and amazing it was to know I could reach and help Christians and others even in such infested websites through story writing. While they were yet again surprised that they found something new about me, the night I mentioned that, Gabriel got quite interested in reading what that story was. It kind of surprised me that he would suddenly have interest because people hardly care about reading, especially a story full of Korean things. So we chatted all night while he read the first chapter and I explained a lot of things to him because he kept asking stuff about the details and translations (and it was a lot easier to explain some things to him since I could mention Tagalog words every now and then if I wanted).

Then I had a hunch as to why he was a bit interested when he asked if JeHa was a common name. That hunch got stronger when he asked if I knew Im Yoon-Ah. He has watched K2. It’s funny because he told me that eye-smiles were not adorable (assuming he saw Tiffany and Eunji’s photo on Chapter 1) but he said they were “amazingly adorable especially on… Im Yoon-Ah.” I was about to lose my head when he said Tiffany’s eye-smile was not adorable (cuz I mean cmon I melt every time I see that) but then he mentions Yoona. Immediately forgiven XD I guess Yoona is really on a different level of visual if he liked her on K2 and plans on watching her other dramas, too.

Anyway back to the bus, I shared him my earphone while the noise was still going on in the bus. We watched some SNSD clips, and I was stiff like a rock trying not to fangirl at hot girls. Because of all clips that I had to show him, I showed him Check with the sexy plaid outfits. I showed him the ever so classy (and deathly) Whisper performance. I even showed him Sunmi’s hot bass teaser. Boys would like that stuff, right…? Pretty hot babes, yeah XD? Anyway, I also showed him the MrMr dance practice and he told me that his friends would replay that video every second to know the dance moves. It was a pretty iconic dance, I have to say. It’s quite surprising that he knows more about K-pop than I thought (and doesn’t look down on Girls’ Generation in any way). He’s not exactly fully into it but at least he doesn’t look at it like it’s some dumb thing… And he hasn’t scoffed at me for liking it.

There’s also something about him that I have to get at later. It has a lot to do with us always somehow matching… but let’s continue on with the story for now.

When we finally got to the venue for Illuminate, I was lowkey hoping to see Centine again as I did in the last Illuminate, but the venue was really small. The fact that not very many girls came with us from Wildfire and that absolutely no group came from Sharjah or the smaller states shows that not many people were probably interested in “The Market” theme of the event. It was a little disappointing that the people I met in the last Illuminate weren’t there, but that didn’t discourage me. I was very relieved by the fact that all of us from Wildfire were grouped on the same color tag. I could enjoy the event with the friends I came with.

Christelle, Edwin, Gabriel, and I sat on one row, and Nardeen sat beside us as well. The band played and it was awesome. And then the one and only person from Sharjah who was a woman spoke about her making business at a young age with the help of God. Then we were told to have groups of five (including a leader), to make a product in 15 minutes and advertise it. So the four of us along with Nardeen formed a group. We had absolutely no idea what to do at first, but when Nardeen got a doll among the possible products, we started brain storming. At first we had such dumb ideas such as a desk duster or a mini secretary. But with the secretary idea in mind, we came up with the siri idea. At about 5 or less minutes of brainstorming, we decided to turn it into an Artificial Intelligence product that can basically do anything for you. And as we were coming up with the possible names, we wanted something that would be simple enough and something that would stick. Thus, Ami was born.

“How about Amy?” It was Gabriel I think that said that to which I or maybe Christelle replied to with,

“Amy with an I. Ami!”

And I do remember myself saying as I pointed to my eye, “Ami with an eye.”

At that point I had a clear running design for what I was to write on that big ass paper that was given to us. I honestly thought I wouldn’t be of any help since I’ve never worked on a project like this for a long time, especially under 15 minutes! On the first few minutes, they felt reassured having me on my team because they thought I’d be creative, but I kind of doubted myself. But I guess thinking of that now makes me feel dumb. I boast a lot about what I can do but then I doubt myself on a time when I’m really needed, especially on something that I feel will be my job at some point? So I kind of surprised myself when a design clicked right away when I heard Ami with an I. With an eye. I’m really made for these kinds of things. It was a good taste what’s to come if I was to really take this path of possible design and logo jobs.

I have to admit, though… the design ended up looking quite creepy that it could be very well considered Illuminati if it was a real product. It got even creepier when we thought of a tagline.

“Ami
Looking out for you.”

It was creepy but it was so hilarious that it stuck with us really well. And while we were coming up of ways on how to make an advertisement (since they were gonna videotape us), we added an even more ridiculous catch phrase to the tagline.

“Ami
Looking out for you

(Just like Jesus)”

Honestly it’s such a twisted product the more you think about it. An AI that can do anything for you and cares for you (just like Jesus)? It’s like straight out of a Satanic horror movie for some reason… Gosh maybe that’s why it didn’t get into the final top 4?

But I think we advertised it better than many people. Our product looked really top notch. Our banner was not cluttered and you could clearly see what the name of our product is along with its tagline. We even came up with this ad where Gabriel continuously asks if Edwin is tired of loads of work and Edwin couldn’t take his words that he shouts, “Wait a minute! Wait a minute! What are you talking about?” And that’s where Christelle and I comes into the frame. I’m holding up the banner and Christelle and Gabriel enthusiastically explains the product. And I think we ended with Christelle saying “AMi. Looking out for you. (Just like Jesus).”

Even though we were all kind of nervous, I don’t think we were awkward like the others… or were we? I don’t know. I have to see that video for myself at some point… I don’t know why they haven’t released our video. Even if we didn’t make the top 4 nominations, we should at least see what we did, right? But anyway, I think we explained it clearly, enthusiastically, and quickly just like a good ad would, you know? And isn’t that the point of the game? Isn’t it based on how well did we did our marketing? Anyway, we were really proud of what we came up with. I still think it should’ve at least made top 4 of the nominations, but oh well maybe I’m just biased XD

After the event finished, we rode the same bus noisy bus from earlier and Christelle said she was going to sleep. It seemed almost impossible to do that, but it she was very serious about doing that. Since the noise from the afternoon was loud since we were at the back earlier, we decided to sit a few seats from the front so that we could sleep. But since she declared it to everybody that she was going to sleep, people were joking about not letting her sleep. Even the leaders were teasing her saying there should be no sleeping in the bus. But since I understood her desire to sleep, I took it upon myself to stay awake and let her sleep. I wore my Brown mask just in case people take unwanted candid photos of me and then I let Christelle lean her head on my shoulder to sleep. Thankfully the noise in the bus wasn’t as crazy as it was during the afternoon, but with boys surrounding us (Nardeen included because she’s not a calm woman herself), people couldn’t believe that Christelle would actually sleep. They wanted to tease her at first, but I kept swatting their hands away. I protected her with my left hand and my glares while trying not to move me whole right torso just so that she could sleep comfortably. I’m pretty sure I was like a grumpy looking bear protecting a cub or something but I like to think of it as me just living up to my name. I can’t take seeing anyone get bullied. Even though they were just teasing, there’s such a thin and dangerous line that could be crossed. Everyone has a limit and no one knows how close you may be at reaching it. Knowing how sensitive she could sometimes be at little things, I just had to protect her. I didn’t want her to get harassed when she wanted to sleep.

Though I have to admit, I’m not fully an angel either. I didn’t tease her myself, but I did approve of people taking photos of her sleeping. At first I covered her face every time they got the camera towards her and they’d get discouraged because I wouldn’t budge at all. But since everyone could clearly see that I’m protecting her so much, eventually they’d ask me for permission to take photos of her. After enough convincing I just let them do it and I posed for the photos myself. There was even a point when Christelle had given her phone to me as she sleeps, and Edwin who was right beside her begged me for her phone and I gave it to him. Then he took a bunch of his own selfies on it (she deleted them as soon as she saw them tho XD).

Anyway, a lot of things went on my mind with her body pressed so closely to mine. It was a strange yet satisfying feeling knowing she was able to sleep comfortably on my shoulder. Although she may have been comfortable, I, on the other hand, couldn’t move a muscle fearing I’d interrupt her sleep. I could only move my left arm and could shift my legs a bit, but other than that, my whole body basically stayed on the same position from the moment she closed her eyes. There was a point when her head was hitting a bony part of my shoulder and it was sharp and a little painful, but I couldn’t do anything about it. But it’s not like I hated it. It was, as I said, a really strange yet satisfying feeling. How could something that is uncomfortable be so… comfortable? At some point she shifted her position and eventually hugged my right arm. I was able to lean my head on hers too and get some rest at that point. It was really a nice and intimate moment. It’s like I suddenly had a younger sister. It made me think that I really want a daughter someday lol.

But if anything, I took advantage of that moment and played some D.ear and Crush’s album Wonderlust. With her sleeping on my shoulder while I watch the road outside the window, I just had to set the mood. I had to soak it all in while I could. Writing material like this doesn’t come often! Whether I’d use it for TaeNy, YulSic, Tiffany and Eunji, or something outside Mending Hearts, who knows when I’d need this kind of scene, right?

OH RIGHT! If I really dedicate myself to write that prequel, I’d get to that one YongSeo part…

A few days after, I somehow started thinking about Gabriel more. Other than being both Filipinos, we’ve both been similar in a lot of ways. He likes anime, Pokemon, and as I said he’s quite familiar with Yoona. Though similarities aside, there was something about him that made him pop in my head at a random time. I’d think of how friendly enough he was to actually read my story. He’s loud and fun, but he can be very thoughtful and sweet. Although he’s not that handsome and too damn tall for my height, he always has a smile on him and I think that makes him kind of cute. He seems to never run out of jokes, too. He always makes everyone laugh.

And so, after thinking about him for a while, I stopped for a moment and thought… wait… do I have a crush on him???

It’s been such a long time since I’ve had a crush (not to mention on a guy) that I have no idea what I’m actually feeling. Do I really have a crush on him or do I just find his character really unique and interesting? Because when I think about it, my ideal type doesn’t exactly match him, but then again, I could still change my preferences. I mean my ideal type I guess, as typical of me, would be a mix of Lee Jonghyun (a little cheesy but very handsome and chick and good with instruments), SooYoung (a little aggressive like a bully but also very emotional), TaeYeon (basically a little like me), and Tiffany (full of energy and always smiling), if that makes any sense. But the more I think carefully, Gabriel could actually match my character well. Since I’m very much like TaeYeon, loud and cheery people are the best people I could get along with. And I feel Gabriel is kind of like Tiffany in a sense: loud, crazy, childlike, and always smiling.

But since I wasn’t exactly sure, I decided to observe myself more to see if I really had a crush on him. I guess for a moment I really did have a spark running for him but… as ridiculous as it may seem, I was kind of turned off by his nerdy side. Whenever he spoke about science terms, I don’t know… I guess it just wasn’t working for me. But then again, do I really just stop just because of that one detail? I guess for now, yeah. So I don’t have a crush on him at this very moment. But who knows really? I’m still getting familiar with these feelings. Is it because I’ve already developed close friends that my heart is deciding to act up with crushes now?

When I told him if he wants to watch Girls’ Generation with me and he agreed by switching seats with Christelle, I have to admit, my heart teased me a bit. Every time our legs touched, that image of Jessica getting touched by that guy would pop up on my head and I felt ridiculous. Not now, I’d say to myself. I guess getting too close with boys are just so unheard of that it makes me feel weird when it happens to me after all those Kdramas. But of course, I tried to be normal about it and not react…

If there’s anything that I learned, I just see this as my heart healing. I’ve never felt so straight.

Anyway, as we all found out that Edwin was going to leave soon, the night before Friday, I drew him. I had no idea what to give him and even if I made a card, I had no idea what I would say. He has become a really precious friend for the past few months, but I’m obviously not the only one who felt that way about him. He’s friends with almost everyone that I felt everyone would say the same things to him. I didn’t want him to get more depressed than he already is at hearing everyone say how precious he was to them and was sad to know he was leaving. Because if I wrote my feelings down about how much he meant to me, I’m pretty sure I’d have to say something depressing at some point. Besides, I had little time to come up with something encouraging for him. So drawing him was something new. I’ve never actually done that as a farewell gift so I decided to do it now.

As I was drawing him, I felt really sad to see that he was going to leave. He brightened up the band. When he came, the band felt closer than it had ever been before. We all became more of a family because he opens up really well and he also has a talent in loosening everyone up. It’s when he came to the band that we all actually started to deeply care about one another. And I think he made me really comfortable in the sense of befriending guys. I used to feel distant around guys but now I don’t even care if I’m the only girl in a group of guys because he makes me feel included every time. He’s a really good friend. I really hoped he stayed a little longer, or at least long enough for me to leave first. I wish he’d stay here for another year. I wish I would be the one to leave first.

Ah… every time I get so close to someone, they have a higher chance of going away. I’m honestly so grateful that Christelle hasn’t left yet. Gosh would I be a mess if she goes away (though I feel like she’s the one going to feel that pain next year). But I guess that’s just life, right? I’m sad that Edwin is leaving, but at the same time I wasn’t. We’re part of a bigger family. God’s family. And a family never separates, right? This separation is only for a little while. And seeing that truth in my life, I feel so reassured. We can’t really lose each other as long as we still hold fast onto Christ.

I remember one time after the Sunday Youth Service he offered me a ride home. Just me. I guess he offered Gabriel a ride too but he rode something else. And he couldn’t really tell Christelle to ride with him since she was going to go home with her dad. That time was really precious to me for some reason. Aside all fun jokes, good music, and praying for each other, I guess that moment was when I realize that we’re really all family and not just a church group. Through Christ, we were able to care a lot about each other’s lives and offer help in even the smallest things. It’s just so cool to think that this is possible. I even told my parents that they should be more involved in the church once I leave because I see now that being around believers is truly something else. We’ve all been adopted by God through Christ so it is only right that we spend time to get to know our family!

I was honestly in a weird mess of feelings that Friday knowing it may be the last time I was going to see Edwin. I’m trying to soak in as much of his presence as I could because he truly is not like any other. He’s weird, he’s random, he’s talkative, and he likes to tease. My name has “Legendary” included in his contacts and he calls me Angela every now and then just because he feels like it. He’s like the brother I never thought I’d have, but sometimes I feel like he’s such a girl since he likes gossiping and knowing about people’s relationships. I mean can you believe he’s only been here for a few months but he already knew a lot about John and Preethi’s relationship? I mean Joslin, who is Preethi’s brother, had absolutely no idea about it after all these years which was the dumbest thing ever, but even Edwin knows about it? Seriously, that guy got everyone to open up to him (me included) about the most random things.

I think riding home with him is one of the biggest things I am going to miss. Edwin, Joslin, Christelle, and I kind of live in the same area so we always took the taxi together or either Christelle’s parents car or his dad’s car. That’s what got us all really close together. I’m surely going to miss him arguing with Christelle about the taxi fares. I’m going to miss him getting concerned about me walking under the underpass (since he considers it a creepy place and doesn’t quite approve of me walking there alone). I’m going to miss him talking to Prasanna talking about that football game they play. If anything, I’m honestly concerned about Joslin. Edwin made him talk. Edwin gave him friends…

Anyway, back to the Friday, Joslin, Christelle, Edwin, and I rode the taxi together home one last time. I gave him the drawing in the taxi and I’m glad he really liked it. And then I heard the three of them arguing about who was gonna pay. I always find the argument so amusing since it’s not about letting others pay or splitting the bill. It’s about insisting to pay for the whole ride most of the time. They were all trying to be hospitable but they’d bicker endlessly like couples. That’s why I never pay because even though I offer my money, they don’t take it. So I can’t argue with them about that XD. And then we played the 5 second 3 answers app game Christelle always makes us play. It was all really precious and fun times, but the closer we got to Christelle’s stop, Edwin thought that we didn’t have a group photo—just us taxi buddies. So we got off Christelle’s stop and took photos under the hot weather.

 

After that, we walked from Christelle’s place to Edwin’s and Joslin’s area under the instead of taking another taxi (since taxi fares recently got higher). When Joslin separated from us, Edwin and I walked together for a brief moment and he asked something so random to me,

            “So. I have an interesting question for you. Who do you think has a crush on me in Wildfire?”

            “Haha, why?” I scoffed.

            “I don’t know, you have a very… watchful eye.”

It was so out of the blue but I did answer him since it was such an amusing question. Since there weren’t a lot of girls in Wildfire, I told him probably none. Besides, not many of those girls hang around him but me and Christelle as far as I know (and I feel Christelle is not exactly interested in him in that way).

After I had answered, we bid goodbye. And I remember as I walked away from him, I was like, “Really? Is this seriously the last memory I’m gonna have of him?” I laughed by myself since it was so ridiculous. But little did I know that wouldn’t be the last time I’d see him!

The next day, after I had gone home from watching Wonder Woman and buying groceries with my parents, I saw Nithin, Jessica’s boyfriend, had texted me. He said if I was going to make it to Edwin’s farewell party. I didn’t even have second thoughts about it so I said I’d go. I wanted to see him again for one last time and say goodbye properly.

The next day, I arrived at Al Wahda’s food court and immediately found him and Nithin. Then came Walid (Lebanese friend), Christelle, and then Gabriel. When Jessica arrived, Edwin and his shipping tendencies offered his chair so that she would sit next to her boyfriend. And so for thirty or so minutes, we just talked about the most random things. Gabriel pretty much started all the random conversations and made all the lamest jokes, but I think all of us did contribute pretty well in the conversation. We shared so much inside jokes! The thing I remember the most were the jokes about Nithin always getting rid of Jessica, which now leads to Edwin and Nithin dating. And I say Jessica is now mine since Nithin gave her to me that one time in the chat. And then Edwin smirking at Gabriel while calling him babe. There were just so much shenanigans that I sat there thinking, “Wow, I’m part of this. I’m part of this group. And I’m actually enjoying how noisy we all are.” I had friends! And most of them were from the band. It was like a dream. And to think, it was all because of Edwin that we were there. We all shared that same sad feeling when Edwin talked about how he thought there was a huge chance of his dad getting his job back when a phone call from the company came, but then it turns out they just required his dad to sign some papers. He talked about how for a moment his mood sky-rocketed only for it to crash down immediately because of that news. He was sad, but we didn’t want to make this night full of tears for him and for all of us. So for about two hours, we just laughed and made noise on the open space without caring about those around us.

 

And after dinner, we played the same game 5 second 3 answers game Christelle always makes us play. Then when Jessica and Gabriel went home, we roamed around the mall and I made them play the tile game where your feet shouldn’t touch the lines. I swear, we all looked so embarrassing walking around the mall like idiots. Many people stared at us when we played that game but I didn’t even care. We were having the best time of our lives trying not to die anyway XD. We also played “I spy with my little eye” for a while. When Nithin came back from sending Jessica home, we all sat back at the food court playing Heads Up. When it was getting late, it was time to go home and Christelle and Edwin rode home with me and my parents.

When Christelle got down to her stop, Edwin and I were left in the car for a while to talk face to face one last time. We talked about the band and… Gabriel. Why?

Well, when Jessica and Gabriel went home (before walking around the mall), we all stood up wondering what to do next. Somewhere in the conversation Edwin said he thought he would never meet us again after Friday and I said I thought the same thing, too. I told him that I thought of how ridiculous it was that the last memory I would have of him was him asking the question (if anyone had a crush on him or not) and we exchanged secretive laughter about that.

Since no one really got what we were talking about I was able to have the opportunity to ask him what I’ve been curious about ever since he asked that question about himself. I told him to switch that question around to me. He pondered for a moment and said, “Gabriel.” I had a hunch he’d say that.

Now back to the car, he was straight up talking about how Gabriel and I just fit together. He was shipping us right when my parents are in the car. I was embarrassed that he would bring it up at that exact moment, but I’m glad it he talked about it as if Gabriel was just some good guy. He wasn’t exactly saying that we should date. If he did I would’ve died inside that car.

And so I bid goodbye to him and the last words he said to me were “Never change.”

It was, I think, the greatest closure I’ve had with a friend who is going away. But even if that was the end of a chapter, later that night, a new one started.

Whatsapp chat.

We continued to talk all night. So basically we continued our conversation about Gabriel. I told him that I don’t think Gabriel has a crush on me because I remember Christelle telling me once that he had a crush on Sarah (Pastor Jeramie’s daughter). However he still thought that Gabriel might have a crush on me as well. Then he asks me to guess who his crush was. Since there was really no other girl in Wildfire that I know that is close to him, I joked Christelle. Even though I was joking, I kind of felt it was true because one time when only the two of us rode the taxi home together (the same day of Youth Service and Nithin and Jessica’s date), he exploded on me telling me to stop shipping him and Christelle. At that time, he told me that Christelle liked someone else so I should back off and stop shipping them, but that just made me ship them even more because why did he suddenly think of that? What gave him such an idea that I was shipping them? I never even said or did anything obvious or forced them to be together at any point (even though I really did ship them). He must’ve been reading closely at the things I’ve been so subtly saying around them. Turns out, it was really true… he admitted that he really did have a thing for Christelle back then. So my hunch was right all along. I wasn’t surprised at all.

 

So since he shared that secret, I also admitted that I might be a little interested in Gabriel too. Since he’s leaving anyway, I don’t see the point in holding that from him. But anyway, I was still vague with my answers and I wasn’t direct or swooning about Gabriel. But I guess now that he knows I have like a 5% crush on the guy, it’s enough for him to see it as 100% crush and ships me now with him. Oh gosh, what have I done? XD

Anyway, we continued our conversation the next day again. I guess I’ve made a really good friend this time. It’s like we never said goodbye.


WONDER WOMAN WAS AWESOME.

AGH Since my dad and I have watched Batman vs Superman before, I was really excited for Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman totally slayed in that the Batman vs Superman movie and kind of teased the Justice League heroes at the end. I was really intrigued by Wonder Woman and I wanted to watch her movie but I didn’t really know when it was going to come out. Then this past Saturday, what do you know, my parents decided we should watch it!

The movie was great. The cast was great. Almost everything was great. I really liked how it started with Batman’s company sending her a suitcase with an ancient photo of her in it. That was in ending of the Batman vs. Superman movie when Batman was gathering the Justice League.

But tbh I just want to say this: I think I just fell in-love with Gal-Gadot. Her English accent is really cute, too. It gave Wonder Woman that really unique, outlandish, or ancient charm. I couldn’t figure out at all where she came from when I was watching the movie and thought maybe it was just acting, but I found out after that she was actually from Israel!


Anyway, she’s really, really sexy and fierce and very believable because she really had them muscles and the costume was Gladiator-like design and it was totally a good upgrade from the swimsuit! She really was like straight out of the comic book and she was just so pretty.

uagshasfd I haven’t been into an actress like that since Emily Vancamp. Gosh. Those were the days XD And to think, Emily became a comic book character, too, but for Marvel… (but seriously, even tho she became Agent 13, Sharon Carter, love interest of Captain America, that look will always be Emily Thorne to me lol)

We also started watching Hunger Games series

It’s good so far but there were too much kissing on Catching Fire compared on the first movie… I guess it’s a little culture shock to me. One or two kisses is enough sheesh.

Jennifer Lawrence tho… she really looks like a normal girl lol as if she’s not really a celebrity. Idk I guess she had that feel to her in the movie cuz she’s not supposed to be a celebrity of the Districts but she is anyway? hahaha