Feel So Fine

I feel great.

So many things have occurred in the last two weeks. Our family has gotten better at opening up at each other. I’ve gone to church 5 times this month which means I got to meet my friends more than usual. And because of that, I’ve been thrown in a group chat that confirms I definitely have friends. Also, as I’ve been re-updating an old fanfic of mine, I’ve gotten a pretty interesting feedback.

First of all, I just want to say that God is good. If you surrender anything to Him, you better be sure he’ll do something great in return.

From the tone of my previous post, I was really close to giving up on the band. But because I really hated how angry I had become, I knew I had to change my attitude towards everything. I knew no matter how I tried, I couldn’t do it alone and so I just surrendered the band to God (something I really should’ve done earlier). I knew God knows how I’m feeling and He knows who is good and who’s not. And what do you know, all those who I always ranted about, He made busy for the week of Youth Service. None of those who had such messy talents were available leaving all the good people to play.

I was able to rock out after a long time since I got to play with Jonathan again, the drummer I could sync with really well. I guess he is a big factor as to why I felt so steady and eased. But to be honest, I also got a lot of my energy from the others, too. All of us (Jordan, Christelle, Edwin, Gabriel, Jonathan, and I) get along pretty well and the atmosphere was always in a joyful mood. They truly felt like family to me, especially since I always ride with either one of them on the way home after each gig. We all trusted each other to do what we were supposed to so I loved every moment we played together. I had no worries at all and was able to focus on worshiping God with my very best. I think this has been the most relaxed Youth Service I’ve ever experienced. I wasn’t conscious at all about what people would think of us as a teenage band. Everything worked out as I hoped it would.

That same Friday, I decided to stay around for Wildfire, too. Since I couldn’t help myself, I decided to help John out in leading music with Jonathan. I had no practice whatsoever and just played simple stuff. After that, when it was time for discussions, I WAS SO SLEEPY. I woke up 4 am that day and arrived at 6:45 at church which is 15 minutes earlier than when I was supposed to go there (the church hall was completely empty). I played for two services which is from 8:15 to 11:30. Then with my mentality of not wanting to awkwardly just stand during worship, I played guitar again at 12. No wonder I was exhausted to the point that my head just wanted to rest. I couldn’t even force myself to have energy during game time because it was physically hard to pull myself together. It felt a little like Illuminate all over again. It was crazy.

But what’s crazier is that, with the desire I have of wanting to feel included, I joined Jessica, her boyfriend, and Edwin, oh and along with Gabriel too, to hang out at the mall for a while after Wildfire—WHILE I WAS ABSOULUTELY EXHAUSTED. I was even wearing a sweater and it was burning hot outside. The heat was unbelievable that I knew I’d crash on my bed once I get home. But nope. I went along to hang out for a bit with friends. I don’t regret it at all, though. Although it seemed pointless since the conversations we had were absolutely random and ridiculous, it was still great. I guess it’s because I don’t ever experience hanging out with friends that this hangout felt absolutely great. It’s one of those times when I feel like I truly have friends…

Anyway, since we’re all a bunch of teenagers who only have taxi money, only Jessica bought a drink and I shared it with her (and her boyfriend.) Haha it’s a weird thing to share one straw with someone that isn’t family from the culture I grew up in, and it’s definitely weird to think I’ve indirectly shared saliva with the couple, but I didn’t even care at that point since I was tired and really thirsty.

What was really funny to me was me, Edwin, and Gabriel walking behind the couple’s back. We constantly took pictures of them and shipped them teasingly and said we were their paparazzi. Because of those many photos we took, Gabriel started a group chat and we were only supposed to share photos there, but now it has become this random and crazy for the five of us. I took a photo with Jessica having a really ugly expression and that became the display picture of the group. They all teased Jessica because of that. Even her boyfriend is so savage. Seriously they are so sarcastic towards each other. I guess not all couples are cheesy and defensive towards each other. Add that to my fanfic ideas lol. It’s funny though because even after all the teasing, Gabriel points out that bullying is bad. It went from teasing to discussing if it’s good or bad to do so. I wasn’t saying much when they were teasing Jessica but I had stuff to say with the difference between tease and bullying. Jessica liked that at least one is on her side because everyone was teasing her. But I replied that “I probably would’ve joined teasing you but I didn’t because I love you and I’m just too quiet.” And then Gabriel jokingly says he smells competition. Before I could even reply to that, Jessica’s boyfriend Nithin says, “HAHAHAHA She’s all yours Mia” So apparently Jessica has now become my girlfriend…? Hahaha anyway there are many more dumb things in there and it’s always Gabriel starting things. It’s nice that I’m still being included even though I’m pretty quiet. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel like a normal teenager.

Our family previously had some miscommunication. It’s all solved now but I think the most helpful thing that resolved it was when my dad decided to send two sermons for us to listen. The topic of “do not complain” that my dad wanted us to discuss as a family really opened our eyes. The message God had to say through John McArthur was really powerful and it really hit me right in my core. In this messed up and unsatisfied world, complaining has become part of our nature. Rants and such are even famous things to do on YouTube. If you don’t have anything small or big to complain about, you are not really living. But I see now that if we are unsatisfied with the world around us, it’s almost as if we’re mocking what God has put before us. So it’s basically a sin itself. It’s a scary thing to think that something you normally would do on a daily basis is offensive to God. So with our eyes opened to that topic, I think I’ve really found a sense of peace that I’ve never really felt before. When you put your trust in God and thank him for what you have, heart will feel really lightweight. It’s amazing.

Continuing with the thought of surrendering yourself to God, I just… I’m still speechless just thinking about this. Last year, I decided to re-write and re-update my fanfic AMNESIA. When I was re-writing that, I was praying to God that He would guide me, and that I would write something that would never take His name in vain in any way. I was constantly surrendering that fanfic to him as I edited and added new things. So I re-updated it without really thinking if my old subscribers would be any different from the new ones that would come in. My main motivation was so that I could show it to my real friends eventually, and tell a story that can be enjoyable and somewhat clean to anyone religious or not. But just this weekend, I saw a comment that opened my eyes to the power of God.

whitechocolatte_: “Seriously, you’re the best.

Coming here for Key/Eunji, I honestly didn’t expect much from a Taeyeon/Tiffany fanfic. But you surprised me so many times with great plots, humorous fluff, and wonderful moments. You tied up each loose end so brilliantly, and I just loved the way you gave each character a religion and made them proud of it. I am a Christian too, and I rly am grateful for making this religion part if the story, like the cell group meets, the worships etc. I really thank you, for clearing my own doubts as a Christian at the part when Eunji was with Taeyeon at the hospital, “Everything God puts us through, it’s for the best.” I have never thought that I would learn so much from a fanfic. Thank you so much for this, it rly made me happy.

btw, I love the way you included strong realistic emotions. It rly brought me to tears and I never thought I would have felt these emotions from a fanfic. Thank you once again for this wonderful fanfic”

I am just deeply amazed and moved. It’s the most inspiring comment I ever have to read in the three years I’ve been on asianfanfics. Nothing has been as a grand as this. Just like she did not expect much from a TaeNy fanfic, I, too, did not have much expectation that anyone in asianfanfics would care about the many little Christian details all around the story. People in that site are often just focused on the ships they came for, but for someone to point out the details that I have added so carefully, I realize that God can really do anything. I may not know what that person has gone through, but it sounds like the things she read helped out a lot. I mean can you believe that of all places God could lead that user, He led her to a TaeNy fanfic to lead her heart back to Him? What a strange way to call her heart back to Him, (but now that I think about it, Jonah’s story was even stranger than this)! God had obviously been the one who worked through me. It’s so amazing to think about it that I can’t even give myself any of the credit. This just proves so much that the God has a bigger purpose for everything, and there is no excuse when it comes to sharing the Gospel and God’s awesome character. Whether you are shy, or not, antisocial or social, you are not exempt from the mission He gave. Because can you believe that I just sat here in my room and stayed up late-nights and it resulted to this? Did I really affect someone’s relationship with God? If one was able to feel that way, how many more feel the same or has opened their eyes to God among my 600+ subscribers? Although I would really love to find that out, I don’t think it’s my place to know. It’s enough knowing that I helped bring one person closer to God who was so grateful that she had to let me know. Many silent readers are out there and I’m sure their hearts will be touched in the same way if God willed. It’s my mission to plant seeds where I can, and it’s up to God to let them grow.

After youth service last Friday, we took a band photo and I’ve been drawing that for the past few weeks. Now every time I look at my drawing, I get overwhelmed by what I see. This international bunch of teenagers just served God in a place full of the world’s nations. How cool is that? Out of all the people in the world, God brought us together. Somewhere out there in the church I know they looked at us gave God the glory for what He raised up on that stage. I know someone might have been inspired by the energy we had serving God at such a young age and is encouraged to serve Him in the same way.

I honestly am so honored and at the same time very fearful that God has been using me well for His purposes. God has installed way too many talents on me, but I’m starting to see more clearly than ever that they are really all for His Kingdom. Because I always worry that I might take His name in vain by my words or actions, I feel like I don’t deserve being in the front lines. But I guess this is what God has made me for. Although I am a sinner, I should never forget that Christ took that title from me and that I should live with courage to proclaim what He has done.

Btw, 12th grade just started and I find art class very interesting. Many people around me say they wanna do art but it’s not something they’d want to learn. Meanwhile I always think that I want to learn all the different things art has to offer out there. Now that I’m starting from the beginning, I realize that I still have a lot to learn. Even watercolor, the thing I never liked doing before, has now become a very interesting medium to me. It’s interesting to see how I’m learning so much even though I’m just in the second PACE. I wonder how God will use my art talent in the future?

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