Seriously

My moods have been absolutely crazy lately. One day I’m really depressed and lonely, then one day I’m happy. Since spring break happened for two weeks, my social bar is so low that there are loud beeps in brain telling me things that get me really lonely and depressed. But when that was over and routines started again, my social bar improved a bit and I was really happy with everything. But right now, I’m definitely so out of energy.

First of all, I saw for a brief moment our band’s bass player back then, Ben, and I was really delighted. Since he was back, John decided he and Ben wanted to lead the band this week but turns out, Ben has a flight today (Wednesday) and John couldn’t even do it. So I was really upset about that because it was way late when he decided to cancel everything. I really hate it when people plan things with confidence but it turns out they weren’t even sure if it was going to work out. It just wastes everyone’s time.

But to be honest, what ticks me off the most out of all of this is—and I absolutely can’t believe this name is even making a comeback in the topic of band here—Caesius.

I don’t hate him at all. He’s an okay friend. But when it goes down to band business, I would fire him immediately if only I could. Seriously, he hasn’t been in the band for who knows how long and now he decides to come back—still sucking as ever, or maybe even worse than what I remembered him to be. Because of John’s irresponsible actions, he had less time to practice the songs. Understandable, yes? I guess. But I don’t know if it’s just me or what because the songs are so simple—the tempo is simple, chords are simple…. But he just… sucks. And it stresses me out. And I thought Prasanna was bad… Caesius just made me soften my voice to that kid. At least Prasanna always shows some progress of improvement, even if it’s a tiny bit, and he still has a lot of years to do so too so I’m actually able to praise him. But Caesius is older than him and has had more gigs than him. “Am I really that bad?” he says to me after band. YES. You are.  “But it’s been three months. Cut me some slack.” Is being gone for three months from a band really your best excuse for being so bad at what you should be somewhat good at by now? Three months is a lot of time to improve yourself or to at least get a hang of basic rhythm oh my gosh.

I get that not everyone can improve themselves for a time, whether they get busy with something else or something like that. But is losing your sense of rhythm really gonna be affected? Oh well, I guess Caesius never learned it properly from the beginning so what even are the chances of him getting it right after not playing for three months…

Aigoo… I guess I expect too much. Not everyone has the time or dedication as I do. Not everyone has the perseverance to rewind a song and press the earphone on your ears to hear how exactly things should be played. Not everyone is talented in this area or are taught well enough…

And to think he played on Illuminate too (which is a detail I totally forgot btw and denied he was there until he reminded me that he was right in front of me at that time). I don’t even remember how well (or bad) he did at that event. I must’ve shut out his guitar in my in-ear piece and erased that portion off my mind…

Oh right, I’ve noticed that the thing I’ve been telling myself that the members don’t listen to me isn’t true. They do listen to me very well and ask me for help. So I’m very glad about that. There’s this new guy, Gabriel, who I really like. He’s new but he always asks for my help, probably because on his second gig, him, Sebastian, and I were the only one who managed the band and I laid some really encouraging and wise words on him about being in the band. And to be honest, he needs all the encouragement he could get because although he is not the best with the guitar, he knows how to detect his mistakes. He doesn’t always get what it is so he asks me what he’s doing wrong often. So far, I haven’t really monitored him much because I have a feeling he will get better. I just really like that he knows immediately when he is doing something wrong. This is after all the thing that drives real musicians. It builds a desire to improve yourself constantly… unlike someone. Ehem. Anyway, it’s really interesting to see that with such a goofy guy like him. He always jokes around and he is more immature than Edwin, but to see that he can be so cheerful and serious at the same time is great. Prasanna’s sloppy guitar lead, and Caesius awful rhythm stress me out, but I guess there’s people to counter that. I guess I should draw more energy from Edwin always syncing with me, Gabriel always finding a time to smile through the situation, and Christelle’s knowing eyes. Oh, and I get a lot of energy from Jessica, too.

It’s a little calming now that I think about it. I was supposed to say by the end of this that I want to quit the band but I know that’s not the best thing to do. Why was I even thinking of it? Well, okay, I don’t know if I stated it enough that Caesius caused me this depressing energy drainage, but let’s come back to that, shall we? Since I was so distracted and the band was in utter rhythm chaos that even Edwin started eying me to do something about it, I had a hard time controlling my temper. I was just so dissatisfied by Caesius playing that instead of playing bass, I decided I would have to drown out his guitar by playing guitar myself, too. I think half of the time I was telling him he was doing things wrong, and I got so ticked off that I was even exploding when everyone couldn’t get the interludes right. Now, I’m not the kind of person who likes getting angry. I don’t get angry very easily, but it seems that I actually do when it comes to the band. I don’t know if I’m going way too far with showing my dissatisfaction to the members about many things all the damn time, but I certainly know that I hate getting so worked up. It’s just not me. I don’t want to be known for being mean. And I really hope I’m not being mean or sounding too mean. But I don’t know any other way to get my point straight when people start talking all at once but to raise my voice and insist what I say is the right thing. I just want what is best for the band. But if the band really makes my blood boil, maybe I should just lay low, and actually be the sunbae that my sunbaes were—leaving the band to figure their mistakes all by themselves. Because I can’t take it. It’s too much, especially when I’m the only one who knows what it was really like back then. So to even have the guts to say “back then,” maybe I’ve been here too long and I am just way above their level. My brain just automatically scuffs out and points everyone’s mistakes at this point.

So I get frustrated easily, and when that happens, it seems my expressions are quite readable. I feel like they will hate me, think of me as arrogant, or think of me as too much of a know-it-all, and my soft heart can’t take that at all, although I truly pray they see why I nag them so much. Because no one has personally thanked me for what I’m doing, but when I go, I know that’s the only time they will truly realize what I had been doing. And they will miss me for all that I had to offer.

I’m not the greatest musician at all, but I can’t deny that I everyone does see me as the crazy talented person who can do almost everything well. I should stick to this till the end of my time here. It’s just for another year. It’s no use giving up on it now when I’ve come this far trying to serve God in this way. And as I’ve said, the other members do give me energy and they get their energy from me too. I can’t let them down by taking mysterious breaks all of a sudden when I haven’t missed a week for months now. Somehow I feel like that would make me selfish and I don’t want to be known for that either.


A few days later…

Okay, so last Friday’s gig turned out actually pretty nice. Other than the fact that I drowned out Caesius’s guitar, Jonathan had the urge to play with us last minute and I SO DAMN MISSED HIS PLAYING. The band became steadier because he decided to play with us and I was able to play with my best. Also, Prasanna played a solo on Hosanna and he was pretty GOOD like I was really impressed!! Oh and Gabriel did the intro for Hosanna really well which made me really proud too but the singers started singing way too quickly which kinda cut off what he was supposed to do… Anyway, that opened my ears to what they could do and I’m very satisfied they learned those parts on their own without me ever teaching them a thing about it. I guess I really have to be more encouraging to Prasanna. He is showing a great potential and desire to be the lead. Since he’s still young, there’s plenty of time for him to improve. I pray he’ll take on bigger roles in the band in the future…

Oh, and Youth Service is right around the corner. Jordan isn’t making much call on what we’re supposed to do because he says it’s “youth service.” Even though he’s encouraging us to arrange the songs ourselves, I really wish he’d take more initiative in scheduling our practices though. We don’t know the church’s schedule and we have to at least practice three times on a much bigger place where Jonathan can set up his drums.

Oh my gosh, as I am writing this, I realize that it’s next week too and we don’t even have songs yet??? Oh boy how will this turn out…

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