So Wildfire just ended about a month ago and I was pretty sad that my favorite band mates won’t ever be able to play music with me anymore. As I’ve mentioned back then, I really wanted that Wildfire year to end quickly because I’m so tired of some of the band members, but then knowing my favorite band members won’t be here next year, I just wanted time to stop. Those members who knew my jams well are just suddenly gone and I really didn’t want any of them to go. Even for a few weeks now I am always reminiscing about the jams we played and the jokes we had since they were my only friends…
But now, I want time to move forward again. Fast.
One of the bend members had a birthday hangout and most of the band members that I had good vibes with were there. Now, there’s nothing more I’d want but a close bonded group of band members—its my dream to be in one, and I thought I was really close being in one—but look, I’m just here at home for the past three weeks slowly going insane by myself. Ridiculous as it may seem, I’m really jealous right now and this is my way of trying to calm myself. So if you’re not interested in me sounding like a greedy little girl, or at least would try to scold me when I can’t hear you, please go. I just have to get these thoughts out.
Why was I not invited? It’s summer and I personally said to one of them to freely invite me to things because I know I’ll be pretty lonely like I am now, but nothing. I know they may not be obligated to drag me in their affairs if they don’t want to, but in the Christian circle of friends, why am I always not included? Many times I’ve said I have no other friends but them—don’t they ever get a hint of how lonely I am? Was I not close enough to them? Was I too distant? Did they just not like the thought of me being there? Does my existence have no contribution to their lives? Or was I just a really forgettable friend because I do not open my mouth? Am I unrecognizable? It would make sense because recently, I was again unrecognizable. I was mistaken as my sister’s shadow. I simply laughed it off, but small things like that claw away at my insanity. Little things like these doesn’t not stop just there. I just noticed this whole concept of me being a forgotten/useless person is pretty much persistent in my blogs. So, really, who am I to everyone at this point?
These thoughts—they upset me. Because I feel like I’m doing something wrong when I’m just trying to stay true to myself. It’s like no one is interested in me at all. Nobody cares. And this thought frustrates me because it may not be entirely true, but my intuition keeps screaming out that it is very true.
Right now, I know I shouldn’t be upset and should be satisfied with my life as it is the Christian way to think about it. But it’s really, really hard. What does God want out of me being so lonely like this? What does God want me to learn from having no teenage stories to tell when I grow up? Patience may be one of those things, I know, but He’s surely dragging this patience test all my teenage life. Is there perhaps someone that needs this patience from me in the future? Because once I love someone a lot, I noticed that I don’t ever stop. That’s what became of me because I have really few people that I call “my friends.” Perhaps God will put me beside that certain someone who needs the love I can offer in the future?
See, now I’m trying to be optimistic, but this optimism is hard to maintain. These days, I’m extremely convinced I’m sick. I have major depression, the first level of depression as they say. I don’t go crazy seeing hallucinations and all that, but I feel extremely exhausted most of the time. Sometimes I lose interest in the things I love to do, like they won’t matter at all. I feel so worthless most of the time.
But the scariest thing about this depression is the fact that I think about wanting to kill myself every day. For my loved ones, I wouldn’t kill myself for I do not want them to cry about me. But sometimes, I just have these thoughts that I do not want to live anymore. Life is too hard and I already have the pass to Heaven. So what’s the point in living? It’s not like me existing will make any change in a planet with billions of people since my life now is pretty useless anyway… I think of this way too many times that it has become painfully sarcastic to my ears. I don’t know what to do.
These days I’ve been reading the Bible from Genesis and I am enjoying reading how sinful and messed up the world was even on the early days. But maybe I’m doing something wrong because I’m still so depressed. Am I not crying out hard enough to God? Maybe. I’ve become shy to vent to Him for some reason. Maybe that’s why I’m depressed because I’m writing out my thoughts rather than crying out to Him.
Okay, so it’s been two nights now since I wrote the things above. Even though I still feel depressed and lonely, I think I feel a little better now.
Actually, after I wrote, I secretly read my sister’s private blog and found she was suffering on her own, too. Even though we’re apart, we still seem to be on the same stance. Though her situation was slightly different than mine, our emotions were somewhat the same. Without knowing, my eyes started to water reading it. And towards the end, she said she venting out once your complaints and wails to God was good once in a while…
After a while, I decided to go bed since it was already getting late. So Instead of scrolling down useless social media, I decided to pray, as in talk to God. It was surprisingly exhilarating even though I didn’t know what to say. All I remember myself saying was “God, you know me” over and over while tears were streaming down my face. There was no other way I could express myself to Him on how much I was suffering on my own. I guess that statement is all a mixture of “You know what I want and need. You know I’m hurting. You know my life. You know what I’m feeling. You know what’s ahead of me.” And just saying that kind of took off some of the weight on me. I’ve bottled up so many emotions and avoided every possible way to truly reveal my feelings to my parents. I suffered on my own every single day because I knew what their responses would be. I knew my dad would not really bother because he’s not great with dealing sappy emotions. I knew my mom would just teach me to be content. And compared to what we usually see on TV these days, it was like my problems were too simple for it to be a valid. But as simple as my problems may sound, there is a complex turmoil inside me and I just wanted to be understood. I knew there was no one else who could understand me but God.
Knowing that He is there… it’s beyond words. I can’t express how thankful I am that He is in my life.
The next day, we went to church. It’s funny how God works things out because the sermon that day was about how it was okay to cry out to God in stress once in a while. Seriously, even if I did not let any tears fall, my eyes were watering throughout. The message was too real for me at the moment and it was beyond what I needed to hear. God is perfectly timing everything out, I tell you.