Recently, the world has worsened the conflicts within me. The fact that I’m writing my troubles right now just to vent out already tells me I haven’t gone to the Bible to find answers, so aren’t we off to a dangerously good start! Because the thing that’s been bothering me is this whole new mentality of the gays. Yes, we’re going there. I just figured I shouldn’t run away from it, at least this once, because it is just painfully unavoidable now.
Basically this LGBT problem has happened since early times, so I don’t know why these shenanigans of sexual crisis decided to make its way to the law at this very generation I am in. I don’t think this problem has been severe to any generation than now—but maybe, for all I know, it could’ve been horribly the same back at Greece, or back at Sodom and Gomorrah. But did they have the internet, where basically the whole world can succumb and drown to the mainstream and consider what they hear, false or not, right or wrong, to be their opinion? Going with the flow is a severe disease these days. It’s just chaotic. Everyone’s thoughts are being projected all at once that you won’t even have time to get a silent head space for your own thoughts.
As a Christian, I do not want to get involved in problems related to this. I want to stay away as far from it as possible. I do not want to have an opinion on it because I don’t even know where I truly stand. I’d like to say I stand firm in the law of God, because that’s what’s good in His eyes and all, but those words aren’t easy to claim. As much as I’d like to deny it, I haven’t been reading the Bible. My eyes glue to social media without proper self-control. I can really feel it irritating to my heart but I don’t do anything to repel myself from it. So now too many things sway me, and look at me; I don’t even know what to think about life anymore and it just bothers me. So I just keep running away. If it ever comes up, just a little scoff would suffice, and then I’ll come across a hundred more posts about the same thing.
But why do I keep running away? It’s simple. I’m afraid.
First of all, I’m not homophobic or anti-gay. If they want to have sex with the same gender and call it love, let them. If they want to change their gender because they’re not satisfied with what they were original created to be, let them. If they want to get married, let them. It’s their choice and I can’t really do anything about it now. It’s not like I can stop people from having affairs and calling it love when they’re married either—and that’s been going on much longer than this. So it’s their sin—just let them do it.
This is after all the era of the deceitful heart. It always had been. In the end, they’re all just humans without control over their emotions. What makes them different from anyone else, really? All of us were naturally born with deceitful hearts. But I guess not everyone knows their hearts and flesh are like prisons or wild dogs that eat just about anything, even the ones they crap out, because no one makes them realize this, or so they don’t want to accept the truth. And that’s sad to me.
Forgive them, for they know not what they are doing.
I personally don’t hate LGBT people individually. The few LGBT people in my life are one of the sweetest human beings I’ve met. But what I do hate is the fact that as a community, they scream it at your face that this law is the new right. Even straights join the bandwagon to slap you some “sense.” I used to love seeing rainbows up in the sky since its original message is really beautiful to me, but now I kind of despise it because I see it everywhere. It’s suddenly everyone’s favorite color. What’s the point to it? It’s not like all will submit no matter how you try? If you don’t accept this new laws or “logic,” you’re instantly a bitter target. LGBT community mentality is the new mainstream, the new pride of the world. If you’re not on it, you definitely hate on “love.” Isn’t it just as annoying as those Christians that knock on your door to convert you to Christianity the moment they start talking about raptures or what-not? LGBT acceptance is literally a new born religion in itself.
I just oddly see so much of Satan’s work on this whole situation. Everything’s getting twisted up. It really is so easy to spot his tactics if you’re familiar with them. All he really wants is to get your attention away from what is right and what the truth is, and he’s doing a pretty good job at it. Because in what world could you view love as evil? In what world do you not want to be free? In what world do you not be equal to everyone—without superiors and servants, literally just you leading your own life? Why be held by the old, dumb laws, right? It feels good to not be under any jurisdiction so why wouldn’t you want leaders who can spoil you and give you what you want? Why believe in God’s existence? He’s nothing but an old hag who makes us his slaves.
Because right now, I feel like a slave of sin. Yes, I am struggling more and more with the L or B part of LGBT as the days go by. That’s why I keep running away. I don’t want to accept that I am part of this hole. I don’t want to accept that I am having these thoughts of doubts (or certainty) inside me. I don’t want to accept that I feel what they feel, even if it’s so clear that I do understand them. Because I know what it feels like—how sweet it is to fall in-love or to be attracted to that which I shouldn’t be attracted to. I know what it feels like to have deep affection towards someone, the kind that just won’t leave your thoughts no matter how hard you try.
Those feelings never occurred to me before any boy, but it has occurred with a few girls before. Right now, I have one serious crush that I am still trying to get over, and it truly is hard when everything about her has been driving me crazy for the past few years. And this wasn’t just a recent “change of mind” or realization that I’m suddenly into girls. I didn’t know it then, but this has been going on ever since I was eight. I never did have serious boy crushes as much as I did with girl crushes. So some of LGBT reasoning are not foreign to my ears.
You’ve probably considered me a lesbian at this point, but that’s not entirely true either. Boys still do attract me. So consider my sexuality as my original gender’s default setting since I absolutely have no experience in being in a serious romantic relationship with either gender. That’s why I don’t usual open up about these things for it shouldn’t matter at this point in my life while I’m still a virgin at dating. But the fact that I’m at the age where most of my friends are already on relationships, I can’t escape the loop of being asked if I’m in one, too. That’s why my heart is in a crisis. Questions hover around making it confusing to me whether I should tell a truth or a lie, or a half-truth-half-lie.
It’s the mind that sets the standards but the heart that chooses its way of living. That’s why it’s dangerous. I do not want to listen to my heart. It’s just way out of control and it disconnects itself from the brain whenever it can. I could stop being ashamed of “loving” a girl as more than a friend because it’s just simply “love”, but I can’t simply just do that. I would be hurting way too many people. I’ve already hurt God right from the very start, but knowing he forgives me puts my heart at ease. However, what about my parents and my friends, who are mostly Christians with quite sturdy views? If I officially declare myself as lesbian or maybe bisexual, I will lose all those whom I dearly hold close. I love them all more than I do myself so I will try not to succumb to it. I do not want them to think differently of me so I will not come out officially, even if that’s what everyone is doing these days. I just can’t simply go with a “fuckthemitsmyownlife” mentality because it sounds utterly ridiculous to me. If courage is all it takes to open up about my “true self,” then I’m definitely not qualified to be a Gryffindor because I chose to be a coward. There is absolutely no pride in my sexuality crisis either. I don’t even feel good just talking about it and it sure would be uncomfortable if someone that knows me comes across this particular letter. This desire of the flesh is just another sinful nature I should not event think about gratifying. This leads me back to one of my favorite verses:
“I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial.
“I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.
1 Corinthians 10:23
Because the more I think about it and succumb to it, the more I feel like I will fail God. I’m already lusting about so many things just by scrolling down social media. What more trouble am I capable of causing in real life? Because there are many other sins that I’ve felt constricted with—sins that kept fueling inside me. Too often I crawl back to the fire and my heart just loses its sensitivity. I can’t feel it hurting or corrupting my life so I keep doing it. That’s why I’m scared. I don’t want this cycle to happen again—at least not for this. I don’t want to be numb from this fire. I want it to stay painful so that I can stray away as much as I can.
I’m just starting to realize as I write that I have no peace in my heart, or at least I’m lacking it. Just an hour ago (after writing everything above), I read about SooYoung’s faith, and it really did open my eyes. Her heart was peaceful amidst the hardship and the unknown of being in the entertainment industry, all because she trusted God’s grace. Meanwhile, I’m in Christian youth band and I absolutely have no peace, or at least, it’s dropping quite fast. I’m way to greedy, too, which usually makes me internally arrogant. I claim that I do this for God, but my arrogance sometimes takes over. Although I do not want to admit it, being the star of the band does get to my head. My thoughts are not humble enough in certain situations and it is quite shameful of me.
So many thoughts about the future trouble me, too. I’m getting trapped in my own scenarios. I’m trying to get satisfaction from my very few friends—trying to find that happiness… However, what they can provide fleets away quickly. I don’t even know why I’m still writing right now when I should be crawling back to the hands of my Father. And I don’t mean just trying to vent out my troubles to Him… I should hear what He has to say.