On the last few weeks I’ve been living with my dad, we bid each other goodnight every time the door closes around 10 PM. Though we are not very close, that little moment always made me feel like we had gotten somewhat closer. At least he finally started to care more about me enough to say goodnight. It was one of the only sweet things that I could gain from him every day. But ever since my mom came back, it’s like everything reset, and the words “goodnight” disappeared. I never really thought it would affect me the first night round, but it’s emotionally draining really to suddenly think saying a simple goodnight wouldn’t matter now that his wife is around. What happened? He never missed a day for the past few weeks to say goodnight before closing the door between our rooms. Now he just closes it without a word… I feel like my night wouldn’t turn so good.
It’s not like I could blame my mom for coming back since she showed me much more affection in 2 days than my dad ever showed for me the past 2 months. Now that my mom’s here, I feel alive. Though I haven’t yet had the right opportunity to relax with myself as I have been doing for the past few weeks, it’s okay because my mom involves me in what she does, talks to me, encourages me, and has lots of great stories to tell. But what about my dad? Suddenly he stops saying goodnight? I know it’s a little ridiculous to be bitter about such a trivial thing, but what just happened, really? Where did my “goodnight” go? Through the first month living only with him, I only had to convince myself to bear it all—the boring, silent nights that I tried to quickly pass by. He was just someone whom I live with and whom provides me my needs to live another day. But when we started saying goodnight to each other, it really felt like we were family, even if it was just a simple little thing. So why did he stop? What made him think it’s okay to stop?
But anyway, instead of expanding a lot on it, I’ll just move back a few days and focus on my friends.
So, as the “loner” that I always make myself believe, I told my friends to invite me to whatever they were gonna do ‘cause I always felt like they left me out way too often. And so, a week or so passed and suddenly I get an invitation. I got invited to a poem competition with four friends. At first I didn’t know how to feel since I’ve never been invited to things like these—let alone be invited with friends. It’s what I wanted—to be invited by friends—but not knowing what to expect in my very consistent and boring life oddly has me backing out lately. But I eventually fought over my anxiety for once and decided to go and I’m glad I did.
We went to hang out in the mall at Starbucks and had very interesting chit-chats. One of the culture-shock I had was Martha’s lying game with her parents. Oh, it was ridiculous how she was articulating this whole story of having a sleepover at Jessica S’s house with me, Jessica J, and Nina Mets, just to cover up how she will actually sleepover at another friends’ place who apparently was not trustworthy to her parents. She’s actually done it before about a few weeks back, but this time, it was a little more extreme because we had to see her parents later… but I’ll get onto that later.
We went to eat in the food court and continued to talk there. We talked about periods, which by the way was great since I actually like hearing other girls’ stories about their experiences rather than school and the weather. All of them talked about boys—past loves and experiences, their preferences, and some boys who had interest in them—and I could only think of taking notes for my fanfics because I have absolutely no definite experiences with boys—not even a steady crush ever in my life (I never even had a celebrity crush that was a boy, until I saw DEAN just recently but it’s all just because he’s handsome lol I have no idea who he truly is).
It was quite amusing when they all turned to me after they have taken their turns on the topic of boys while I haven’t since I didn’t really say much. I tried to say I had a boyfriend and three of them seemed so surprised and ready to hear me out, but Jessica S knew my bullshit and wasn’t that interested haha. I honestly thought I could lie once again about Jack being my boyfriend like I tricked Caitilin for weeks, but I guess one friend was enough. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t lie to them this time. Maybe it’s because I was close enough with Cailtilin to mess with her, but I barely know these girls—I couldn’t lie to them this early in the friendship. Also, maybe it’s because Jessica S was there, and she pretty much knew my lies if I was to ever go through with it, so I didn’t go through with it. It’d be funny if I at least tried for 5 minutes because I don’t think I caught the amusing shock on their faces properly because I was laughing my head off while debating if I should actually go deep into it. Because really, how shocking it really is to suddenly discover the very quiet girl in the slightly tomboyish composition to have a boyfriend? No one is close enough to me to know what I do everyday so that lie is always such a fun little game for me once in a while.
Two minutes in the lie, I gave in and told them I didn’t really have one. I’m not really a good liar since guilt quickly swirls in my heart (unless it has to do with avoiding plans or schoolwork). I told them having a boyfriend didn’t really matter to me at the moment. I also added that I was more set on having friends than anything but I don’t know if any of them caught that since they were talking when I said it. Because the truth is, my interest dangerously lies on girls more but I don’t want to consider myself a different sexuality than what I was created for. Yes, I have not much interest in boys (actually, I do, but it’s not that strong) and most of my affections lead me to my friends—mostly girls. Thus, I am really set on having friends first. I need to know how it feels like to have close friends before I jump in the world of romance. Boy problems will have their time, but now that I’m still a teenager, I chose friends.
Oh yeah, and around the part when we talked about periods, one of them apparently had sex young at around 15-16 and had a pregnancy scare. Like, woah, okay, I guess situations like these are closer to me than I thought. I even have a friend victim of rape… gosh. It’s really overwhelming when I know someone who had such experiences because I realize I’m actually such a sheltered bum (not that I’m complaining). But anyway, back with the sex and pregnancy scare story brought up, I don’t think I can look at her the same again. Actually, I don’t think I can ever look at her the same after that day. She was one of the girls whom I thought wouldn’t really fit being my friend since she’s too girly, but now here we are, and I know so much about her already after just a few hours.
And so, after hanging out in the food court, we headed to Martha’s house. We stayed there for about 30 minutes before leaving for the poetry event and it was crazy. They played music and jammed out to it like whackos. It was like such a ridiculous girls’ party I didn’t even know how I survived when all that happened… Since it was such a culture shock for me, I couldn’t really loosen myself up to jam out with them. Sure, I guess I bobbed my head to the pop music, but I couldn’t really muster up some energy to go as crazy as them. I felt really left out because it just wasn’t my style to party like them all of a sudden. And so I just sat there on Martha’s bed awkwardly as the four of them stood up and started whacking their heads away, lip-syncing like it was their career. So I just watched them and tried to be an enthusiastic audience just laughing at how silly they were.
But then a song suddenly played with many “you” lyrics and oh no, they got even more crazy and had all their eyes on my on the “you” parts. They pointed at me and lip-synced for me. I absolutely had no idea what to do. I felt like 4 hot girls were flirting with me—a teenage boy. It felt like a favorite girl-group was especially doing an exclusive performance for only one fan. I couldn’t handle most of it because I felt so embarrassed. I couldn’t even look directly at them because it was so weird to suddenly have all their fun directed to me. I was darn happy they were still including me in the party even though I didn’t have it in me to jam with them. But seriously, it was so embarrassing to have all attention suddenly on me. I covered my face a lot and crashed on the bed hoping it would end soon because my brain was panicking a lot. In the end they even told me turned so red. Oh well, I guess I know now that I turn red when I’m embarrassed…
Then it was finally time to leave. And so, Martha introduced us to her parents. Just when I thought all the culture shock was over, this is the moment when she starts her lying game with her parents, and I’m included. They now know my face. It scared me because being an unknown outcast also has its advantages. Not many people know who I am, that’s why I barely get into trouble. It was okay that she used my name to lie to her parents the last time because their parents didn’t really know who I was or my parents, but now that they’ve seen my face, I just got chills. It’s ridiculous that she’s lying to her parents and that everyone else is conniving with her. I went along with it because if I back out, what kind of friend am I? There’s not even much harm done to me but hurting the innocence I have left.
I guess the fact that if their parents somehow find out she was lying, I hate that I’m included in the mess—she’ll be dragging everyone down with her and that makes me nervous. I am just not much of a trouble maker… Besides, I’d give Martha’s lying game a score of a 6 ‘cause her voice was trembling a bit and she didn’t even have to mention the secretly super expensive gift bags in the corner since it didn’t seem necessary to even mention at the moment. I’ll be surprised if they won’t smell something fishy at the slightest, but I guess with us Christian friends present, it really is pretty a clever lie.
The thing is it made me wonder how comfortable Martha is with me now to be suddenly dragging me into her plan. It’s oddly irritating and hurtful to me being used as an escape route, but oddly satisfying, too. I don’t know what to feel, really. I mean I barely knew her back then, and she really just didn’t seem my type of friend because she’s seems so girly to me. It’s not that I don’t want to be her friend because she really is such a peculiar friend to have in my friends’ list. I do like having her around especially after discovering how she make mild inappropriate jokes sometimes without dilemma (which is kind of my humor) even though she’s Christian. I’m just wondering how she thinks of me.
But I guess, in the end, the only thing that matters is that I can’t keep denying that I have no friends because I really do have them. I’m just deluding myself way too much that nobody cares. I’m not completely invisible. They do care, and there are a number of them, too. I don’t know how much they care but I really should stop trying to estimate it since it’s not something that should be estimated. It should be enough knowing they talk to me and are comfortable with me.
So, onward with the poetry event… The place looked so like a Xiah Dragon Noodles I would want to write about some day. There was a bar, a stage, tables and diner-like chairs and everything. And the brick walls made everything look so relaxing. The place really made me dream of opening up a restaurant with the same vibe when I grow up lol. Then there was even a DJ with a very R&B and hip-hop sense of music. It was awesome, and at one intermission he was stirring up some nice beats. But anyway, I really didn’t know much about the poem world, but I really didn’t expect it to be so awesome. Most of the poets were so emo in their own ways it was amazing that they were able to put words for their emotions so artistically. And you could just see their identity with their poetries. It really opened my eyes a lot.
There was a moment in the intermission when they went off somewhere and I was left alone in the chairs. I was jamming out to the DJ when I figured I should go look for my friends. Then that’s when I saw them taking a group photo without me. It hurt me that they were kind of leaving me out and didn’t even make an effort to call me, but I really am trying not to lean on it. They did take another group photo and included me when they saw me so I guess I shouldn’t be too bitter.
Now, onwards with Kpop crap. I’m back at it because last month, I barely made effort to discover new Kpop music. Now that debuts and comebacks are spewing out this month, how can I not talk about it?
First of all, our beloved JeTi just debuted with their solo albums. I don’t know which side is being salty by making them debut literally days apart, maybe both of their companies, but let’s not focus on that. Tiffany’s album is amazing. I really liked how chill and a bit sexy it was. It really lifts my mood a lot. Jessica’s album is so sweet. I really liked how dear every song is. Most of the songs touch my heart in a way. I really want to buy it physically.
I also downloaded some BTS, crush, Ailee, and also Jonghyun. I really stocked up on new music this month…
I don’t know why but it’s kind of funny how I refrain myself from watching Kpop related stuff sometimes, especially performances and such. I always fear that If I watch it, I’ll get too into it and search for more so I just shrug it off. I’m the kind of person who likes to watch everything about those whom I really like and I guess it just feels a little unhealthy to me now. I haven’t even watched Jessica’s performances yet because I know I will fangirl way too hard. It’s even so dangerous to watch clips of SNSD dancing because they are way too attractive to me this deep in the SONE life. As they have started to reach the peak of their beauty, who’s to say I won’t turn bi in the process… Well, I already kind of am so I guess I just don’t want to make that thought grow worse.
I don’t want to keep lying and denying things about myself and then proceed to make things get worse. I really need to be brutally honest with myself now to face my problems properly.