Two weeks ago, my youth group suddenly declared a talent show. Now, I have a lot of talents, but I’m a reserved person and I’ve always liked the thought of revealing myself at the right time to people whom I personally got to know. So basically, I figured I wouldn’t sign up for it. I’ve already been in the youth band for two years and have played five different instruments. That was enough for me. I didn’t want attention for I assume everyone already knew how talented I am in the music area and that I’m using them to serve God. Besides, I wanted be an audience for once in my life in my youth group.

But some ass-hat friends of mine told me they were going to plan something along the lines of music with me so I got forced to sign up for it. Okay, it’s good that I’m writing about this right now… the fact that I called them ass-hats shows just how much this has been bottled up. This is because we had one week to plan something, and what happened? No one planned anything with me and I felt useless. I’m such a forgettable person.

I personally tried to seek them out for something, any idea of what we were going to do, but nothing, at least nothing clear and steady. I was so stressed about it since I’m a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to performance. I like doing my best when there is an audience and showing how much I know what I will be doing. But I can’t simply just improvise on stage (since that’s what my friend planned) because this is not a jamming session. It’s better to be prepared than to trust too much on talent and luck. And so, at last minute, I had the youth leader take my name out of the list.

HOWEVERR, that youth leader’s wife did something else. She pleaded with me to not give my position up… Agh, I don’t even get why I decided to tell it to her when I knew she was not going to allow it. And since I knew she wouldn’t stop unless she gets what she wants to hear, I got my name back up on the list again. So I just planned on doing some quick caricature of some sort. At least it’s something different than playing music, which by the way, drained me out that week. I just didn’t want to play any music at all.

It’s funny, though… I guess I am destined to play music every time I am in that youth group. I was just chilling and enjoying my time not being on stage for once but suddenly towards the end of their rehearsal, they called me to play guitar because Caesius can’t get things right. Sigh, I am saving him again. I didn’t even practice with them or rehearse with them and I even got a part wrong when it was actually time to perform. What did they expect, though? I didn’t practice.

When Nina Mets arrived, she told me she was nervous to go up there alone and requested me to play something melodramatic for what she was going to do. Of course, as a person thirsty for a friend, I was glad to help her out. I was needed for once in my life by a friend—something that rarely happens in my life. I didn’t want to screw anything up. I read her written emo work on-and-on while the talent show was rolling and I kept on mentally composing a song in my head to fit it. I loved it—the feeling of this kind of risk. Maybe it’s because she was as dramatic as I am writing-style wise so I quickly knew the feeling I had to portray.

I remember one time she told me she loved me (in her usual, friendly, girly way). I didn’t take it way too personal unlike how I usually took things back in the day, but it did make me feel a little special. After the week she told me that, she keeps going to me like I’m such a nice person when I’m standing there wondering what I did to make her like me. I wonder how that happened, honestly. The only thing I’ve ever done was to plead with her to be in the band. That is literally all I ever did every single week (as far as I can remember), so I really don’t know how she came to like me a lot. I honestly thought I’ve become annoying by doing that, but I guess that’s not the case at all. When I reassured her about how I’m going to help her in the talent show with the best of my abilities, I honestly loved the look in her face. I saw through her eyes that she leaned on me and trusted me. Oh, it was such a precious moment. She even told me that my presence calms her—just me being me, without doing anything, calms her nerves in a way. It was such a precious thing to hear that I was able to comfort her without trying so much. Usually, I try very hard when it comes to my friends, but hearing that I don’t even have to try made me feel special. It even calmed my own nervous heart.

I guess maybe it’s because being silent and reserved can also be interpreted as being calm, which apparently is a charm of mine. Honestly, I was nervous myself. I’ve never composed anything with a limit of about an hour-and-a-half while trying to keep someone else’s writings and feelings in mind. I was even so nervous and awkward drawing on stage since I felt a minute was taking forever, but everyone told me I looked so chill. I guess my brain mentally panics and the pits of my stomach sink, but it doesn’t show at all… At this point, I don’t even know how much similarities I have with the ever so calm Kim TaeYeon…

Oh, and I told her I write angst stories too and I would send it to her. One week passed, I had not sent it to her yet. I was expecting her to forget it since my other friends usually forget about it too, but she was still looking for it and even scolded me for not sending it yet. Knowing that she remembers the things I said and was genuinely interested in the work I personally wanted to share made me love her even more.

And her voice… Agh, it was so lovely and nice. I’ve personally forgotten what she exactly sounded like since she’s never in the band when I’m around. But now that she was in the band, I got to hear her again. Her voice is so unique. It’s has pretty much an R&B vibe but with a kick to it. Agh, I don’t know how to explain it properly. Her voice is so sweet, but there’s a sour kick to it sometimes but in a good sour kind of way…? Um, well… ah yes, it’s like chocolate fondue! When you dip strawberry, raspberry, blueberry, kiwi, or orange on chocolate fondue, yeah, that’s how it tastes = sounds like. Wow, I wrote a list of how singers’ voices taste like a year ago. I can’t believe I’m still so right about it…

And by the way, I think all the stress from that one week of torturous unknown planning for the talent show got me sick. I’m so unhealthy too and I guess my body just gave up for a while… XP


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