Not Perfect

So these days, my dad is basically the only human being I ever get to see in real life every day. My mom is in the Philippines right now. It’s been about two weeks and I honestly thought it has been a month. I didn’t notice that time was passing by way too slowly because my mom isn’t here with me. I miss her so much. It’s so hard living with my dad. Well, honestly chores and other trivial things like work around the house don’t bother me at all. The hardest thing is that my dad and I are the super-introverts in the family, which makes it hard for us to even speak to each other.

God has a perfect plan for every single person in our family, and apparently He wants me to bond with my dad. I personally don’t think I’m close with my dad before any of this. He was my dad, the person who brought lame jokes and money to the family table. But as for our personal relationship, it didn’t consist much. If my family were a Sim family, my sister and mother would pass as a best-friend. But as for my dad, he’s just a friend (not even close to the good friend phase).

Sometimes I wonder what it would’ve been like if I was really born as a boy, because my mom used to tell me that they were so sure I was going to be a boy. Maybe things would be different between me and my dad if I was a boy. Maybe we would be more comfortable with each other. But God decided I should be a girl to make everything in my life more challenging than it should be…

I honestly hold grudges at him sometimes for little things. Sometimes when I get left alone after band practice or Wildfire, I get hurt that he doesn’t put me first, his own daughter, before any of his taxi services to his office mates. But I can’t really do much of anything, can I? If I complain about it, I would just sound like a selfish little brat.  All I can do is be understanding in the situation.

That’s all I ever try to do these days with him—understand him. Though it’s not the best way to get close to him, it’s all that I can really do. To be honest, at least now I know his strengths and weaknesses up-close. I used to find him irritable back then because I just could never understand why he always does certain things. It’s because I never really made the effort to actually get to know him. He was just someone I knew… Now I know we’re very similar in so many things.

He is an introvert. I barely know what goes on in his head. And since he’s a boy, I don’t know if he thinks about deep emotional things like a girl would. Maybe he does, I don’t know… But sometimes I just can’t help but think if he’s feeling as awkward as I am during rides on the way home or during dinner.

Because the two of us, we don’t talk much to each other. All that we ever talk about is what we’re going to eat or whatever happened in our family’s line chat room. He asks me about band but I don’t know if he’s interested in the answer or just wants a conversation going. We talk about the weather often— doesn’t this make it obvious that we’re not close to each other?

Back then, our family doesn’t bring phones to the dinner table but now that it’s only the two of us, he’s always escaping to it—even more so than I do. If he’s doing that then I do it too, even if in my guts I honestly do not like the idea of fiddling with my phone during family dinners. Basically, we’re not good with conversations and we’d rather just have technology ease out the awkwardness between us. Too quiet in the car? No worries, got my iPod for that. No one’s talking during meals? Look at your phone… if not that, turn the television on.

Though my dad is not much and is absolutely awful at replying, I’m not angry that he’s lacking. We are not a family that says I love you or talks through deep and emotional problems or things. But that’s not really necessary. I know parents have to be the backbone and all, to be the ones first in the line to know how you feel, but God is already that guy for me. I don’t need that from my dad when I can run to my Father. Since I now know my dad’s strengths and weaknesses, I do not expect from him the things that he can’t do. I’m okay with the silence between us now. I’m okay with him trying to keep up a conversation even if sometimes it seems like he doesn’t care about the answer. I just accept him as he is. He has his own quirks as a person and I’d rather focus on that than focus on what he can’t do correctly as my father. I think the biggest thing that drives relationships crazy is that they expect way too much things from each other. If you just accept them as the way they are, things get fairly easier to handle. I’m at least glad that we’re not angry and screaming at each other like I assume most teens are with their parents.

As I’ve said once before, I don’t care if my dad or mom doesn’t fill me up as much as I want them to. I have grown to realize they are not perfect and that’s okay. I have already been adopted by God. He’s been constantly filling up the spaces they miss.

PS. Sometimes I pity my dad for he doesn’t have a better escape than to watch TV after work hours. He’s quite talented in many areas but I guess he doesn’t have much energy to pay attention to them. But these days, he’s found swimming as a delightful hobby and I’m happy that this has become his joy. He finally has a passion for something. I personally think that’s what makes a person’s eyes shine—when they have a strong passion to do something. I’m proud that he has found it. Swimming is great and it will boost his health so much. I hope he doesn’t let it go easily.

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