Organizing Thoughts

Okay, I haven’t been writing, I know. I’ve made so many mental notes to write about what has been recently happening but I guess I just never found the right time to do it. And also, tumblr was down for a long while so I couldn’t put gifs on my post otherwise which would kind of make it a little boring. Anyway, now that we have a new and better wi-fi connection, tumblr is back so on with my life!

So, let’s start with an update on Jessica… I don’t exactly remember anymore how long ago this happened but I guess it’s just right after the one I wrote about in my last post. So I was playing with my bass during practice on my own little corner waiting for everyone to set up their own instruments. And then Jessica comes and greets me as usual, but then, she looks at me and says she missed me.

Say what, now?

It hasn’t been that long since we saw each other. I mean, c’mon, we usually don’t see each other for only a span of a week or so, 5 or 6 days at the most. That’s how it has always been for any of my friends. So for her to suddenly say that out of the blue made so much things run in my head. Has she always been like this—an affectionate and friendly American? Or did she really miss me? To me, the meaning of “I miss you” is “I thought about you and wanted to be with you for at least a little while.” Did I cross her mind during those 5 days I haven’t seen her? Because the way she stood there in front of me felt a little different than how she usually tended to be. It totally felt like she was saying something that wasn’t normal for her to say.

But then again, maybe this is just me assuming things because I don’t fully know her. And so, I casually said I missed her too, because on my side, it’s true that I also missed her. She smiled at my reply then went back to her friend. Then the day went on normally.

But seriously, I said I missed you to her because she gave me an appropriate chance to say so. But I, as the introvert that I am, barely said a thing, and she suddenly came up to me trying to start a conversation that led to her saying “I missed you.” That was strange to me even though it was of course very heart-warming. Maybe it’s because I haven’t actually been told that by anyone other than family. So I guess these words felt kind of new to me. It just makes me wonder what she thinks of me.

But for me to clear out my thoughts, I’m going to risk putting this up here: To be honest, sometimes I think my affection for her is starting to get a little messed up. I do care about her, and I really do love her, but it’s becoming to the extent that whenever I look at her, I’d get awestruck because someone beautiful and as innocent as her exist. See where I’m getting at? I’m a girl saying these things, and I’m always questioning myself if this is alright, because to some extent, it kind of feels wrong. Because these days she just feels like such a deep crush to me. In the most recent Wildfire, whenever she talked to me, I would always feel awkward staring at her eyes too long. And when she laughs and looks at me, a bit of my heart stops because… well, she’s beautiful and adorable. I mean I’m not lusting for her attention or wanting anything from her at all. It’s just that when she’s happy, somehow that gives me energy. When she smiles at me or talks to me when I barely asked for it, that makes me happy, too. Is it wrong to feel happy over someone’s existence? I guess my point is she made me feel special once, twice, or more than a few times, and now she’s becoming a little too special for me?

I guess what this all just concludes to is that I’m happy she’s there. I’m thankful that she exists in my life.

OH and omg I remember that one week when she wanted to pinch someone’s cheeks and I volunteered myself. I thought she wouldn’t do it but she did and….. it’s either my cheeks hurt just remembering it or I’m blushing. And there was even once a time when I kind of lowkey confessed how much she meant to me… gosh, I don’t even remember how that happened but I just remember her being so touched by it and she gave me a hug after Wildfire. I’m guessing this happened a week before all the “I missed you” happened. Agh, it just felt too much like a dream that I can’t even remember it clearly anymore.

Anyway, this week, I played the electric guitar! I had been so pumped to play it and jam out with some new chords and tunes I’ve discovered. At practice, I definitely was satisfied to have jammed out a little with Mickey as he played bass. To be honest, one of the main reasons why I chose to play electric is that I loathed the bass line of This Is Amazing Grace so much. I just didn’t want to play it because it tired me out. But seriously, I volunteered to play electric guitar ‘cause why not? I knew the things I needed to learn in order to deserve that position. And so I practiced and practiced, and on the actually practice day, I felt confident and great. After that, I figured, maybe I could add a solo on Our God? And so I did practice this and was confident I would succeed in this. Last week I got to do I a great unplanned bass solo and that was great so what are the chances of me messing up over a guitar solo that I actually planned?

And so, the day went by. I kept my hopes a little low because I knew we would always mess up at some point. And we did… On Our God, the intro was completely horrible and it actually wasn’t my fault. And so okay, that’s fine, we make mistakes every now and then. Then the anticipation to do my solo started building up. I finally got to do it and I messed up at one key which sounded completely off. I know not all audience notice that, but for me it sounded horrible. But I guess it wasn’t as bad of a first try with the electric guitar, right? We all gotta start and make mistakes along the way at some point! We all gotta take risks!

But I’m really happy that the band is actually starting to sound greater than what it was on the painful first few months. I personally have become better at playing my bass. Caesius has been a little slow to catch on but he’s been learning more and I’m sure all the things I repeat to him are going to stick. Jonathan is becoming more steady and independent in the way he plays his drums, and has been great in discovering new ways to make the beats unique. Mickey is finally starting to teach the new singers to properly sing. But as for the two sunbaes of my time, Andrew and Nina Mets, well they barely come so I don’t know. I guess Andrew did improve a lot on his confidence to sing and do things on his guitar, but the only thing he maybe should work on is his schedule, hahaha. This is why I personally think the new members have been turning to me for counsel like I have all the answers. And I’m thankful that I get to be the sunbae that I could be for most of them. My only problem really is how I organize my thoughts and how I put them into words, because sometimes, the idea is right there before me, but I just can’t explain it properly. But that’ll be an easy fix.

Improving the music quality of the band for God and being able to teach these new eager members what I know is really satisfying. See, even for someone as jobless as me, has a role to play in society! At the end of last year’s Wildfire when I found out the good members of the band were not going to be here anymore, I knew I had a big responsibility to play. I knew nobody else was going to do it, and so offered myself to God to use me in this way—to be a crucial member that provides stability for the others. And see where that got me? I’ve come from playing the keys, to playing the cahon, acoustic guitar, and then the bass. As the bass player, I have basically become the base of the band—because the bass enhances the chord and rythm that is supposed to be played on a song, thus making me a crucial member for stability. And so also knowing how to play such a variety of simple band setting instruments helps so much in my playing. It helps me understand everyone’s stance in their own instruments as I stand at the background listening to the whole picture. And of course, knowing the stance of everyone helps me figure out what I could add to empty spaces or tell others where they should be adding or laying low.

And it’s actually unbelievable how much I have come a long way in a span of about 15 months or so. I really wouldn’t have been this good without God opening and closing spots on the band. The moment I turned 15, I decided to play keyboard for the band. Keyboard made me learn about how when to lay low and when it was appropriate to make add-libs. When the youth keyboard broke, I volunteered to play cajon, and though I wasn’t an expert at it, I got a clearer understanding of beat and tempo stability. I then played acoustic for a few sessions and got a sense of rhythm pressure—when everyone is kind of relying on you to make the right move and feel for the song. Now, I have turned to play bass, and to be honest, all of these things from the keys, cajon, and acoustic, all apply for the bass. With the bass, you need to know when to lay low and it’s not always appropriate to do an add-lib, but if you do it at the right time, it will sound great. With the bass, you need stability in tempo and you need to know what beat the drummer is playing. With the bass, there is also rhythm pressure, for this instrument provides the secret ingredient to move people’s hearts. A good bass rhythm can greatly affect the band’s style. Now I still don’t exactly know what’s there to learn about the electric guitar. I guess guitar layering and gentle plucking tones are some things I’m still trying to learn. And maybe sturdy confidence and self-control is one of the things to learn in doing lead guitar.

It’s been a fun and ride and I’m very grateful I am able to use my talent for the youth band—for God. Because as my music PACE said, most of the people in church actually learn more from songs than from the actual sermons. I always wonder that some new youth Christians might not find the lessons that great or something, but good music can sometimes make them come back. And so, having the privilege to able to improve the music of Wildfire was an honor, because sometimes, the better the music is, the better God is able to move these teenager’s hearts to Him.

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