Recently, I have been continuing my fanfics, and I’m quite happy I’m finally letting my imaginations run again. Though my writings skills have become a little dull, I am trying my best to sharpen it again. I’m also almost finished with the story of Sunshine in Mending Broken Hearts… Finally, I can soon leave that plot to rest!
Anyway, so I finally got what we ordered from G-market. IU is so cute in her album and I love the material of the album. It’s like a school notebook in disguise. Also, there’s K.Will and I like his songs a lot! And of course, damn, TaeYeon is so gorgeous in every single photo on her album! Her photos made me want to try and do water coloring when I’m not even a painter!
It felt a little overwhelming having that album. It seems so precious because TaeYeon is my bias and it’s her very first album after 8 years of being under the SNSD title. I have a few K-pop albums here already, and in the future, I know I won’t be able to keep all of them. But I will definitely keep TaeYeon’s album for as long as I can, hehe!
But there’s one thing I didn’t really like about our order. You know how I looked forward to TaeYeon’s poster the most, right? Well… I GOT A GIGANTIC KYUHYUN POSTER INSTEAD. At first, I only found it ridiculous and funny that they made a mistake, but a few days later, a little bit of anger built up inside me. I’m alright now and I kinda got over it. I can’t complain much, really. My mom said we might buy again on G-market someday so if that’s the case, I’ll just wait for any good new release from SNSD and have their poster then. But seriously, why a Kyuhyun poster? There are like two versions of posters available for TaeYeon and I apparently got neither but got Kyuhyun’s? Ughhhh…
Last Wildfire, things went back to normal again with my friends. No one cried and I got the attention I wanted. But what I’m truly happy about is that Alpha ended. We talked about the importance of worship, which was something I had to be reminded of since I’m from the band. We discussed it too in groups and I’m surprised I’m not the only one who notices that Rachel (autistic girl) has one of the most sincere hearts during worship. Nina Mets said she noticed that (since she was from the band) and I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought about those kinds of things.
It was awesome, though. Our session was moved after the lesson, so when the band started playing, everyone’s hearts seemed to be more involved. I think almost everyone sang their hearts out. It seemed to have given them energy to praise God even more unlike the usual days when the energy is just so down. I don’t know… it just amazes me that finally, I get to play for a congregation that actually is starting to have their hearts on God when the music plays, because usually, teenagers are so out of it and you can see they just kind of drift off or are aren’t really that much into it.
Oh, and I get to have a casual conversation with Jessica about music since she was interested in learning guitar and all that. It was a bit awkward for me since I didn’t know whether it was okay for her to just have me awkwardly following her along when she’s not saying anything. I wanted to ask her about her family’s situation but I didn’t think it seemed appropriate to do so. Overall, we had a good conversation and I was glad I finally got a time to talk to her or be with her even for a little while. What surprised me though is that when she was about to leave, she told me she remembers how I always used to talk to her in facebook and missed those. She said we should converse sometimes like the old days and I agreed.
But seriously, for her who has a lot of friends, to just remember something about the both of us like that made me feel… I don’t know, special in a way, maybe? And back then, I always used to think I bothered her because I always wanted to talk to her, but now that she said she enjoyed those a lot, I’m like… what now? Since my misconception of her has been cleared away, is it okay to talk to her like I used to back then? I mean, I don’t want to make a mistake here. I don’t want to bother her because I know she’s very busy with her life and is usually tired when she’s home, or at least that’s what she says to me. I don’t want to annoy her in any way. I want to cheer her up or encourage her more than ever after what has recently been happening in her life. I don’t know what to do…
I said she can talk to me anytime she wanted and she’s happy that I’m available. So these days I’m waiting, but she’s not starting the conversation. Maybe she has other friends to turn to, maybe she’s still busy or not in the mood, or maybe she’s shy to start a conversation with me. I honestly don’t know, but all I know is I want to cheer her up or help her on something she’s struggling with. It could be personal or just something about music. We don’t have to go on deep conversations if she doesn’t want to, really. I just want to give back something to her and be a good friend as she has been to me for the past few years. Because if I can’t do it now, when will I ever do it?
Sigh… maybe it’s just because I haven’t really done anything good to anyone causing me to crave making someone feel good. I have my family and I almost have unlimited time to show them how I love them. But friends don’t last very long, making me want to show my love for them a little more often than I show it to my family. It’s really hard to find opportunities to say how much a person means to you, especially when you’re not the type of person to express those feelings at all. The timing is so crucial because you’ll never know when they’ll be gone, and they might go away before you even show your gratitude. These days, I’m trying to lowkey do that, but I’m waiting for the right moments, right opportunities to say how much they’ve been a great deal to my life at some aspect.
Since I always don’t know what my friends think about me, I feel like I’m just some friend to them, someone who doesn’t matter enough or are not worth their time because they have other closer friends. It sucks when I think about it like that and I don’t want any of my friends to feel the same way, if ever they are feeling that way. I want them to know that they are special at least to me even if it’s quite hard for me to even get close. And showing this doesn’t even have to be something so cheesy. It could be saying as something so simple just like how Jessica said she enjoyed our conversations back then. Meaningful words are different for everybody. And I guess maybe words aren’t even necessary in certain situations.