Hey it’s been a little while. I learned a lot of things about God for the past few weeks and also today in Wildfire—well, not because of Alpha (the baby milk course they feed us)—but because of what has been happening around me lately.
First of all, I just want to rant about the Alpha course for a little bit to get this out of my chest. Those two guys are freaking annoying. I don’t know, the way they talk just annoys me. They sound like they’re talking to a bunch of kindergartens and I guess that’s exactly the spiritual level they aim for–kindergartens in Christ. And I don’t know, the lessons are just too shallow for me and they’re not even doing a great job at explaining everything. They tell stories and ask questions that are a little irrelevant. It relates to it but it’s a little lame and childish for me. I guess that’s just me because the group I am in are so interested in it. And there were even questions that an AWANA kid could probably answer but it was such a mystery to some of them that I always had an urge to explain a lot of things, but you know… I can’t ’cause I don’t want to talk. They’ll learn the answers to their simple questions someday.
(What goes on in my head / Me on the outside)
I know I sound like some know-it-all or something like I highly think of myself as someone who knows more, but it’s not like that at all. I just don’t think Alpha is working well with me. It just taste like milk when what I need is meat and some rice, some substance to my spirit. All Alpha does is just build up some kind of bond in our group (which isn’t even that strong) and knowing our experiences, interests, and our guesses on what the answers in Alpha could be, and I don’t think that’s important. What’s more important is to get to know God deeper than all of this basic stuff and some sturdy truth, not just discussing it over what we think is right. We need to read the Bible, dammit. Why aren’t we reading the Bible????
Anyway, I read in my PACE and in John 6 that God does care even for our little needs, and that has proved itself to me so well. Every time I prepare for band practice and Wildfire, before leaving the house, I pray for a taxi to come. Almost every time I go to the bus stop, there is a taxi ready for me immediately, and it’s overwhelming because that doesn’t happen very often in the past before. And when I do wait for a little bit, when I let other people first, patience really do pay off. One time, there was a guy in front of me impatiently waving to taxis that were unavailable. There was also another guy in front of him waiting for a taxi, so the competition was pretty high. So I figured, okay, I just have to let them first, no need to be greedy. But then suddenly, there was a taxi up ahead and the guy patiently waiting tried to chase it, causing him to leave the bus stop. Then the other guy met some colleague of his or whatever and started talking to him. Exactly when both of this happened, a taxi with a red light suddenly came. I didn’t wave to it or anything because I thought that taxi was unavailable, but to my surprise, I saw the taxi driver call me. Apparently he probably just dropped off someone from the last bus stop and now he’s available, exactly on time for me! Call that coincidence if you must but seriously, I know God planned all that. He cares and it’s so overwhelming and cute of Him to do little things like that!
This week, I volunteered to play acoustic guitar instead of bass guitar. For the past few weeks I am always so pumped to play my bass but this time, I knew I just had to play acoustic. Why? Well, let’s just say I like the song How He Loves and I don’t want the feels to go away with Caesius’s strumming. Fortunately, everything went well. I loved the acoustic set! And Mickey played the bass really well, too! I was able to do some “guitar layering” as you would say since I taught Caesius to do only one simple thing for Marvelous Light, making it easier for me to add a great vibe to it.I also got to play the intro of How He Loves (because that was really my goal with volunteering for acoustic) but damn, Caesius kinda messed up on the timing in the real performance, making me really confused, but I’m glad it eased out pretty well in the end. I’m also really glad that Jonathan (our drummer) was there to keep all of us in beat because man, it would’ve been chaos for Caesius, and if he’s in chaos, I’ll be on chaos too.
Surprisingly, there was a lot of weight that lifted on me today. First of all, Shelby was there, and even though I got see her for a little while, I was happy and satisfied that I got to see her again. Damn she was… still pretty and low on energy as before. Second, I got to say hi to Rachel (autistic girl) today without a worry of how I was supposed to act. Maybe it’s because I really had no friends (I do, but they kind of ignore me because I don’t really say much) and that Rachel will accept me even when I won’t say much. And even though I’m not close with Rachel that much, she recognizes my presence and greets me in a cooler way than everyone else. It’s not awkward at all with her.
By the way, a few weeks ago, Jessica and I pulled a joke on Caitlin about me having a boyfriend (Jack my imaginary buddy lol) and it’s probably still going on today. I don’t mention it much but it is in Caitlin’s brain now that I have a boyfriend and that I didn’t tell her about it first instead of Jessica. It was funny the first time around but I don’t really know. Last week, she kind of ignored me, or maybe that’s just my feeling. She even kind of did that today but I’m not entirely sure so… But anyway, I was kinda hurt that she doesn’t pay much attention to me anymore as she did back then. Oddly though, it was alright for me. Like I accept it happening. It’s okay if she’s not going to be as close to me as back then. I can accept it and move on from it quickly.
And today, Jessica was quite sad. She said she had a lot of problems concerning her dad’s job and other things. I overheard that if her dad loses his job, she might have to leave the country and that is like her worse nightmare–to leave this place before graduating highschool. She was pretty upset about it and Caitlin hugged her which caused her to cry (seriously, Caitlin’s hug can open waterworks well). I wanted to join like a group hug but I didn’t proceed to do so because it was too awkward for me. I mean how do you comfort people? I mean I care for you and relate so much to what is going on in your life, but how can I comfort you? How can I let you know that I’m here for you? Damn, I really don’t know… but anyway, I felt hurt seeing Jessica cry like that because the pain she’s feeling is so familiar to what I’ve been feeling for the past month. My parents told me they might get new jobs which will cause us to move away from here, which will cause me to lose my friends, and that thought of course upset me a lot that I’d cry silently in my room at night.
Losing friends, moving, saying goodbye’s—I guess this happens in everyone’s lives. And today, I kind of accepted it fully.
Oddly, it’s not that sad anymore for me to lose friends. It still is, but the feeling is not as strong as it was before. Through the years, the friends that I cherished the most left. This year, my favorite Wildfire people had gone away. I was a bit upset by that because the usual people whom I came to know were gone, but I understood that it was for the best. My sister had gone to Korea to study and we still keep in touch, but sometimes it’s unbearable to be the only child with no one to take sides with. Then Centine left and I was devastated about that, but I’m glad I was given a great closure.
Now, there’s a high possibility that Jessica will leave, and I should be really devastated about it…
…but I’m not.
I don’t know, I just had that feeling today, and it’s honestly strange because I used to always not want people to keep leaving or falling away from me. And you could see how upset I am every time I mention losing friends in the previous posts. Now I’m just… hmm.
Maybe it’s because I’ve become desensitized to this kind of lifestyle. This is normal life. I get it and I understand it. I’ve dealt with it many times before, and look at me all alone in my room writing this down but I’m fine. I’m kind of okay by myself now. I’m okay with change. Whatever it is that will change my life for the better, I can accept it.
But honestly, I’m only okay with this now because I know God is in control. It’s such a cliché thing to say I know, but it’s really true. I mean back then this was just something I say and believe in church and through my family’s stories, but this time, I really feel it in my life. He’s the one holding the wheel and He definitely knows where He’s taking us.
Sure, I may not have a close friend, and the only friends that I have left could possibly be leaving. But I’ll know he’ll give me friends someday, much more precious than the ones I have today. I’ve honestly waited for so long, and almost got tired of waiting, but today, I can wait a little bit more. Patience can go a long way.
Oh, and Dami, a girl I met on Fuel before, was there on Wildfire and I sat beside her when I couldn’t handle awkwardly standing in front of Jessica crying on Caitlin’s shoulders. I talked with Dami for a while and I guess I just naturally vented out my thoughts about this—how sad it was leaving and how awkward it was for me to comfort someone—we thought the same way and I was happy I could relate with someone for once. She’s a cool girl. Apparently she might be leaving this year too when I just met her. But I’m okay with it.
This is why I feel quite light, and I’m thankful and happy, too. So many fears have left me today. If friends leave, it’ll be okay. If God wills it that my parents have a job away from here, I’ll be fine with it. He’s in control, and whatever happens, I’ll try to accept wholeheartedly from now on.
BTW we just ordered TaeYeon’s album on Gmarket KYAAaaaaaaaaaaaa! What’s even better is my mom told me the delivery fee was way too much so she told me to buy even more so we wouldn’t waste the fee LOL!!! Now we also got IU’s new album CHAT-shire on the way along with K-Will’s One Fine Day for my mom!! Ha, I got more than what I expected!!! That’s also not without God’s help! I really prayed a lot to get TaeYeon’s album and now I’m also getting IU’s AHHHHHH!! I also suddenly wanted f(x)’s 4 Walls when it released, but since we placed the orders already, I had to wait till the next day to let my impulses calm down. I DON’T NEED ANOTHER ALBUM, DAMMIT. I promised myself I wouldn’t buy anymore albums this year if only I had TaeYeon’s. Sheesh, I almost broke that promise when I planned on how to tell my mom that I wanted to add 4 Walls. But at least I’m calm now. TaeYeon’s first album will be okay for me… PLUS IU.
But damn, though, f(x) comeback is ugh, so great. They had an exhibition set up and their teasers had gifs oh my… and their album is quite catchy, great mixes for the dj’s. The 4 Walls MV had amazing aesthetics and the story was interesting. THE COMEBACK STAGE WAS ILLEGAL they were so damn hot but their dance moves still stuck to the robotic f(x) style oh my gosh I freaking love it and they all slayed me so much. KRYSTAL uagh… Victoria, Amber and LUNAAA omfg were so damn illegally hot on this concept I just… And just when you thought she was gone, SULLI IS LIKE HEY, I SUPPORT f(x) AND I AM COMING TO THAT SM HOLLOWEEN PARTY AND IMMA MEET MY GIRLS. Uhuhu why is she still in SM but not anymore in f(x) I don’t get it but I’m half okay half sad about it huhuhuhu….
Oh and btw… the daily taengoo cam is quite lovely. I missed the first episode on Saturday since it was early and my phone did not wake me up properly. No worries! I WONT MISS OUT THIS WEEKEND. I WILL WAKE UP EARLY AND WATCH TAENGOO CAM.