My Life is a Beauty

Today is Thursday. I’m back in Wildfire again. Hah, yes, with more happiness but also with more inner conflict. I just gotta put this first tho:

TAEYEON IS A BEAUTY.

I watched her live on the Naver App and she was adorable oh my gosh. She’s still so awkward being by herself but yet seems to be having fun. It was damn emotional. She teased all of her songs there and I lost my crap at Gemini. I lost it even more when she stopped it. When the album was finally released, I listened to it and man…

The tears were at the back of my eyes. I didn’t cry, but I was filled with so much emotion just listening to her tracks. I just lay in bed for an hour listening to her 6 tracks and it was overwhelming. Knowing that it took her so long to get this far, this dream that she wanted… ugh it’s just…

It’s amazing, really. Since I was more serious about music and talent more than the visuals, I checked out TaeYeon’s solos a lot and listened to it frequently but I never really knew who she was. She was the last Girls’ Generation member whom I got to know. She had such a common face that I had a bit of a hard time deciphering who she was out of the 9. But now that I know who she is and just how much she’s worked hard just to get to this point, to this new beginning, to this new chapter… I just… I…

I is a really nice song. It’s rock, like Heartbeat and Breakaway. I just love it. And when the bass comes in, I love it even more because it gives you such an overwhelming feeling. The song is so consistent and simple, but since the build-ups in the song are placed at the right time, it’s amazing.

U R is an okay song that sounds like A Moment Like This. It’s not the best for me even though a lot of people seem to really like it. It’s great and all and TaeYeon’s voice is amazing, but not a personal type I guess?

Gemini is just purely amazing. Maybe it’s because it’s a personal taste of mine, R&B and all that. But this song affects my mood in a weird way. It makes me really happy, but when it comes to the chorus, my mood just kind of drops. TaeYeon said she made sure she sounded as feminine as possible and she really did. She nailed the R&B vibe. But her voice in the chorus just somehow makes me sad? Well, the song is about two people who are so alike but have to be separated or something like that so it is supposed to be a little bit of a sad song. But seriously I like her voice the best here. I like this song so much.

Stress is fun. *cough*indirect TaengSic *cough* But seriously, I love the band kind of sound or Kelly Clarkson vibe going on in this song.

Farewell is just… The first time I heard it’s full audio, I don’t even know. It made me really sad. Don’t get me wrong, this is my favorite song. I mean come on, so they play a high noted piano notes that sound like All Of A Sudden by Krystal, and she starts singing as if she’s tired. It’s soft and weary. Ugh, it was just sung so well. TaeYeon’s voice was so gentle in this one but it builds up into a stronger tone and it’s like I Love You and Set Me Free all over again. The lyrics, too… It ends on such a gentle “Goodbye” as if she’s accepted the fact that the person is gone. Of course that was able to break my emotional heart into little pieces. I guess that’s why I like this song the most, because I relate to it the most. It was as if my emotions were put into a song and it was this.

And last, the instrumental of I is amazing. As I said the song is so consistent and simple, but whenever the bass comes along and the build-ups starts happening, it’s overwhelmingly amazing.

I want to support her by buying the album and I’ve asked my sister to buy it for me. I don’t know if she actually will buy it along with a poster and I’m becoming quite impatient… I don’t want to annoy her by reminding her about it. Ugh, I just really want it. Am I too greedy?

The band was great this week. It was just Me, Caesius, and Mike (a new guy). There were only three of us in the band but it was the greatest performance I’ve done so far since I attended for this new Wildfire. It’s still not the best and it needs a bit more polishing, but compared to the previous ones, it’s good enough. Though Mike’s strumming is not something I’m used to, I’m always trying to listen carefully and add to how he play because I’m on the bass guitar. So far I’m trying my hardest to understand his style. It’s a little confusing, but with a little more jam with him, it’ll be alright. I also kind of listened to Caesius playing and he is still a bit confused as always, but other than that, he’s getting better which is making me quite proud. He’s learning the sounds of the band little by little.

When Wildfire ended, Caitiln convinced me to come to Illuminate.

Remember that time when I talked about not coming to Illuminate because it was a very suspicious Illuminati stunt? And remember me saying how lonely I felt seeing all the people I wanted to hang out with all crowded up in a bus without me? Oh, and remember that time when I said Caitlin meant a lot to me? Yeah… well… I didn’t want to lose her or anyone anytime soon so…

I pinky-promised Caitlin that I would come, but in my mind, I knew this was a bad idea. I knew I might be able to break that promise… and breaking promises to me feels like I could lose a friend. It scared me. It made my heart feel so uneasy. I didn’t really know what I was supposed to do. I guess you could say that right there was peer pressure.

So I straight up talked about it with my dad the moment he started driving home. My mind was already so unsure but I knew I had to put my dad’s decision first before my own desires. I knew he would question me about it and all the details about the event. I mean he has already heard about this event anyway so I might as well be straightforward that I myself don’t even know if going is a good idea. The real reason I wanted to go is I just wanted to have some kind of experience with the friends that I have left. Because as I have said so many times before, goodbyes are around the corner and I want to make memories with my friends… to say that I at least had friends.

 

Then we also talked about it with my mom over dinner. My parents checked it out and seemed quite unsure too. I didn’t keep my hopes up too much because I knew what kind of approval I’m asking for, and it’s not an easy thing to just let me go. If they don’t approve of it, then I’ll just see it as losing my friends for God as I’ve mentioned a few months before. It’s not easy to be alone, but if God wanted me to be alone, then so be it. But if they approve of me going, I promise I’ll keep my guard up so that I won’t be affected in any wrong doctrine that would come my way.

After dinner, since my dad didn’t seem to want the weight of making the decision, he made me play rock, paper, scissors with my mom. If she wins, apparently she makes the decision. If I win, I can go.

I won.

But I wasn’t exactly happy. I was scared, or maybe just emotionally stressed about it. They approved and so I’m going. But what really happens if I go? Will everything actually turn out the way I see it? Will Illuminate teach a doctrine that my friends will accept and I won’t? What will happen? I feared it so much. It was heavily weighed on me and I knew I had to talk to God about this. Getting my parents’ approval didn’t seem enough. I had to make sure I won’t let God down. Whatever happens, he should be glorified.

So then, tomorrow came and there I was, latching onto Caitlin the moment I came to church. Since I promised that I’d go with her, she had to promise me she’d sit with me. She did sit with me. Moriah sat beside me, too. The three of us didn’t talk that much with each other. Caitlin joined the ruckus at the back, Moriah just read a book, while I just tried to draw something to pass the time. I shared my earphones with Moriah since it was really loud in the bus. As far as I could tell, she seemed to enjoy my music. That made me quite happy.

There were also times when Caitlin and I would just stare at each other, and then she’d just chuckle or poke me. She shouldn’t be doing those because I love her more when she does those little things to me, and I’m scared of loving her more.

Look, I’m just really tired of losing people whom are so close to me. This is why I become a little distant to others, because I don’t want any more people to get too close to me. They can have a safe distance, but they should never cross the line that would make me care about them so much, because I know they would eventually fall away someday…

So the bus arrived at the destination and suddenly Nina Mets says Centine’s here.

Okay… okay.

Jessica, her best friend, was quite shocked because she wasn’t sure Centine was going to go. But now she’s here, and they were reunited after not seeing each other for a month. It was so heartwarming to see how fast Jessica had run to her and hugged her like they haven’t seen each other for years. People were saying that “She’s not dead. Get over it.” Ugh, I don’t know, I just got a little pissed whenever they said that. I didn’t show that I was, but yeah… They simply just don’t know what it probably feels like. To be separated from someone you care so much about is such a huge thing to get over. It’s hard to get by in life knowing they can’t be with you anymore, but when you finally see them again, the moment is so precious.

Meanwhile I…

The feelings that went through me when I saw Centine, I couldn’t even understand. It was such a bit of an unknown feeling seeing her again—someone whom I thought I might never see again. It was overwhelming that she was here. I was so happy that I didn’t want to lose sight of her.

I kept a close distance. Of course, I wasn’t like a stalker about it. She had other friends to greet after being away from them for some time and I understood that. Besides, I had to keep close to Caitlin, too. There was a time when Centine talked with other people and Jessica said to us that she was shaking. While she talked about how overwhelmed and happy she was, I held her hand and massaged it a little because she really was shaking. It was so heartwarming how much Jessica loved her so much.

Then we got color tags or bracelets. I got pink and Caitlin got green. I was a bit upset and asked her to switch with me because green is more of my color. So we switched and I got the green tag. At first it didn’t really cross my mind that these colors with result into something. I just thought if you had a tag, you could come in and participate in the event. But let me tell you about that later.

So the event started and we had a gun, gorilla, man game, (basically rock paper scissors) and I didn’t make it to the finals. I didn’t really care much. My expectations were really low that day, and so was my energy. Then so the music starts and I freak out seeing Andrew, David, and Jonathan on stage. And they were playing really good music with some other guys from another church (most from Filipino Dubai church). And damn, I was a little jealous I wasn’t up there making good music with them. Gosh, it must’ve been fun. The energy of the crowd was great, too. I wonder what it would’ve been like being up there with the power of shaking the whole floor. I mean literally, the floor was shaking when everybody was jumping in that one song. I felt like I was in a club or something with everyone dancing and jumping around. The only difference is I don’t have any drinks to engulf myself in.

 

Then an architect came up the stage with his testimony and what he does. I found it quite interesting since I follow a few architects on Instagram. Hearing one talk about that kind of work gave me quite a perspective.

After that, we were grouped up… with our colored bracelets. A while back, before the event started, Centine and I talked for a bit and we noticed we were wearing the same color. Now, see where this is getting to?

So as I stood up, the first thing I did was look for her. Since her friends had other colored tags, she was left alone. I stuck close to her since nobody else seemed to do so and went out with her to eat dinner. Someone she knew had to accompany her. Basically, this was a chance for me to be with her finally. We lined up on to get food and she gave passed me a plate. Then after we got some food, we looked for tables but there didn’t seem to be anymore spots. So we ate with Beryl, Rachel, and Moriah. The thing about this though is that the table had only four chairs. So Centine and I shared a seat.

Okay… okay.

After we were finished eating, we chatted for a bit. Asked her where she got her watch and told me it was from a friend. She then told me I gave her a black bracelet before but I couldn’t even remember that I did. How ridiculous it felt for me to forget something she remembered. But anyway…

Since we shared a chair, being that close to her… Just staring at her eyes that close… My heart fluttered…? I don’t even know what to say right now. I’m not gay, I swear.

Ever since she said hi to me in Tagalog when I was 10 and she was 9, I’ve wanted to get to know her or to get closer to her. I wanted to do activities with her and be her friend. I often chatted with her online, so much I thought I might have bothered her. I also used to write letters with her. I tried so hard and it never did happen the way I’ve wanted. I hoped to be with her in Trek, but she didn’t continue for Trek. We then were in ATTIC, but I could never come close because she had other friends, and I grew to be quite different. But I still had this desire to get closer.

Maybe this is when it all really started, this friend-crush thing. Whenever she was happy, it would make me smile. But then when she talks to me, I’m afraid I would say something wrong or something awkward. Eventually, I really couldn’t get any closer to her, or I had no idea how to. I quote myself on a past post: “There was that one time at Wildfire when she sat beside me and I wanted to talk to her so badly but couldn’t say anything because… well, it’s been a while. I was so nervous that she was right there next to me that I ended up not saying anything at all, looking like I just ignored her. Ugh, it’s hard sometimes to converse with people you’ve slightly grown apart from.”

But in the early days of 2015… yeah, we started talking again like normal friends. I got excited every time. I’ve already explained this before, that she has quite an innocent and carefree soul, different from mine. She’s so cheerful most of the time that it gives me energy. She makes me happy just by being there, by being herself. She’s like the YoonSic of my life. See how weird that combination is? She is the Yoona and the Sica, and I am TaeYeon.

And so before the new year of Wildfire started, she told me she was considering joining the band. And so I was like, yes, this is great! I was so excited to spend this year with her on the band. The airplane ride from Korea on the way back here, I had butterflies in my stomach just thinking of finally being with her every week in the band.

So for my first day of Wildfire, I get to be with her in practice, and then perform with her on stage tomorrow… But then, she suddenly says she’s leaving Abu Dhabi and that this was the last week she was going to be in Wildfire. I was… I had a mental break down.

So many people whom I’ve grown to be so familiar with in Wildfire have already left, and now, of all people, she’s the one going. I had such high expectations that were all destroyed in one blow.

“I feel like friends are something I would lose,” I said. “Maybe not now, but in the future, saying goodbye will always be a thing I’ll eventually have to deal with for God. At least, that’s what I feel.”

And it’s really true. Friends matter a lot to me, and sometimes I lose sight of what really matters, God. Losing all these friends make me turn back to him, and make me depend on him more. So when goodbyes go, I accept it as God’s plan. It saddens me, but I’m not angry at God because I understand. It’s hard, but I understand. So I went on with my life, now building up boundaries around every person I meet. I’m trying to be cautious around Caitlin too, but she just draws me into her warmth that it’s hard to do so. And I have put all my imaginations on the trash because I might say goodbye to them anytime. I have now become a person who has such low expectations for the future. I just don’t want to think about it anymore.

So when suddenly, I was given a chance to be with Centine again, to spend at least 30 minutes with only her beside me, without anyone holding her back from me, it is so overwhelming. I’ve been praying for something like this for years, and I think I finally got it. Just for 30 minutes, and maybe an additional few little moments, was satisfying enough to me.

After we ate, we went to paint. I didn’t know whatever I painted but I did something. She then took pictures of our paintings together. Then we went off to the film maker and I went to the graphic designer. But after that, I looked for her again. But she naturally drew to her friends so I went back to Caitlin.

So the music starts and energy, energy, energy… Until it quiets down and a heart-wrenching piano tune plays. Caitlin joked about it being too dramatic and I laughed along with her. But as the song progressed, I was suddenly out of energy. I didn’t know if I was pretending to act all affected or I was really affected by the music. The song was just really good. The guy who played piano did really great. It moved me in a way.

And so, after two songs on the clock and suddenly, the guy says anyone who thinks they will have a future in the arts, step forward, and they’ll pray for us. Those who don’t should go back a little. So I stepped forward because I didn’t really see any problem to it. I really believe I have future in the arts.

So then the guy starts saying that anyone who’s at the back can just lay a hand on those who had stepped forward and pray for them. I just awkwardly stood there, nervous if anyone would care about me. So then the guy starts praying for all these people who stepped forward (which included me) and Samara laid her hand on my shoulder. When she did that, I was overwhelmed, and my mind was panicking. There was still some background synth playing, maybe even piano too, I don’t even remember that well… Agh… And so, yeah, while the guy was praying, I felt someone’s heavy hand on my other shoulder, and I assumed it was Caitlin because she was behind me. Another weight on me, someone cared. The emotions were starting to build up on me and I couldn’t even understand what was going on. I have never experienced something like this at all. I have never felt so emotionally shaken. Then the guy started saying “You are an amazing God” over and over while he was praying and I think I lost it there. The tears pooled on me and it just… it just kept falling. And when the prayer ended, Samara asked if I was crying. I said yes and she started caressing my back and hugged me. Then Caitlin noticed and asked me if I was crying, I said yes and she hugged me like a mother. I just lost it even more and cried harder. I tried to stop but I couldn’t—especially not in Caitlin’s warmth. I guess it really was true that your tears get worse when someone hug you. Damn, I really don’t know what happened…

I guess maybe it’s because it was such an emotional day—no, an emotional week. TaeYeon’s album was released and that gave me a lot of emotions. TaeYeon’s Farewell made me realize how much sad songs can move me, or just how much music can influence my current mood. The love that I’ve been getting from my friends has been increasing. The push and pull of decision making for God had been quite stressful. And I got to spend time with Centine when I thought it was already impossible to do so. So when emotional piano and synth starts playing in the background while someone is constantly praying “You are an amazing God!” I sure wouldn’t be able to keep it together. It’s because God’s truly amazing and he always exceeds my expectations. He always gives me so much more even when I feel like I don’t deserve it.

I remember back in Korea when we went to church, I almost cried while they were playing music, but I just kept it in. At that point I knew eventually I would cry someday when I hear a certain praise song just like that, and apparently that someday was yesterday. Out of all the days, it was quite unexpected that it happened yesterday.

But I think I understand it more clearly now how my waterworks opened. It’s because my sister and parents weren’t there, thus I was free to be myself, to be what I hold back from them, and to show what I can’t show to them.

Crying… Since I often get teased or lectured if I cry, I’ve trained myself not to do so and just keep holding it in. But there was no one holding me back yesterday. My family’s grip on me was out for a while. I guess a lot of emotions all just built up inside me too, and it apparently rushed out. Now I’m more sensitive than ever.

On the bus ride home, I had doubts in sitting beside Samara. So I just excused myself and said I wanted to sit alone. But apparently that wasn’t possible since more people were coming in. After a while, Jessica (Jacobs) and Eli told me to sit with them and I was satisfied. They talked about TV shows and Beryl was chatting along with them until I overheard them talk about Revenge. Haha, I totally joined along. After the conversations have died for a while, I let Jessica hear TaeYeon’s I and I’m glad she liked it. After that, I had my earphones on drawing away. Eli sneakily took snapchats of me and I honestly didn’t look good but I don’t really care that much. And then we arrived back home at 11 PM and I couldn’t even decipher which was right or left anymore.

But anyway, that day felt like something I could’ve dreamt of. The scenes were too uncommon in my everyday life and they were too good to be true. It was as if everything had gone the way I’ve wanted it. From start to finish, it really was like a long dream. Even till now, I can’t believe it actually happened. My expectations were so low that I didn’t expect that day would shower me with almost everything that I’ve waited for years.

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