Going To Find My Heart



The unreleased clip of OT9 Catch Me If You Can was released and I honestly cannot contain my feels… Jessica is back!! AND SHE IS SO PRETTY. STILL LAZY BUT NEVERTHELESS PRETTY. And her voice in CMIYC was just perfect. I had to panic and download the video in case it would be taken down quickly. I’m glad I have it now. I do have to say though, the edited OT8 version was so much better since it was more powerful and energetic, and the camera work had more quality to it. Also, in the OT9 version, most of them looked a bit lazy or maybe it’s just Jessica’s aura rubbing off on everyone she comes close to. In the OT8 version, hair porn was on point and flirting skills of the others were also so much better. I’d have to say OT8 version totally had more of the “Catch Me If You Can” vibe. The audio, however, is a whole different story with Jessica around.

I do feel a little bad, though. Since it’s such a ride of feels, I’m pretty sure OT8 felt something when the OT9 MV was leaked and I’m pretty sure SM will pretty much sue the person who leaked this. One thing I kind of hinted though was a happy Sunny since she started posting this faint photo of OT9 on the same day and posted 9 selcas of her smiling (with guys but that’s not the point). We all know Sunny is the biggest OT9 shipper these days and is such a depressed little woman, but now she’s all of a sudden smiling right when Jessica’s unreleased MV was released? Of course, I don’t really know for sure but Sunny is awfully very suspicious. And may I remind you it’s not the first time she hinted that she wants Jessica back? I mean c’mon, a dedication Roy Kim’s “Home” on her radio to a “friend” who can always “come back home”???? Sunny is a smart gal and I’m pretty sure she has the guts to rebel against SM. For all we know, she was the one who actually leaked it to a sone. I mean who else has the unreleased OT9 MV but SM themselves? Anyway, it’s just me rambling on here.

I’m just worried that now that this is out, this might gain more attention than OT8’s comeback. I feel like no one would care about OT8 and just continuously mention Jessica in the picture when they shouldn’t. I mean I still am looking forward to what OT8 have in store with the Thailand shooting and colored hair. I hope there won’t be any serious problems and conflicts again. I’ve dealt enough emotions of that last year.

Truthfully, I’ve been a little upset that some of the fans have not moved on to the fact that Jessica is gone from the group. I personally have accepted this fact quickly the moment Jessica started her instagram along with her fashion business going well. It may have been a little sad without her, but what’s done is done and some people can’t move on from that. I like OT9 and I’m pretty sure that Jessica’s position is irreplaceable, but I’m not an OT9 trash like those players of Pokemon who says the only Pokemon they like are Generation 1. We all gotta start a new journey with the girls.


Meanwhile, I’ve been a little confused about how I should react in certain situations these days. Since my view of the world had slightly been changing, it takes me a little or a lot of time to process what I should’ve done to a certain situation. I noticed I don’t become angry too easily these days. Since I’ve viewed the world as a place full of forgivable mistakes, I don’t get angry, and sometimes I don’t know whether or not I should’ve been angry to a certain situation. But while my heart is becoming too compassionate, I notice more and more people get angry easily.

My family for example: we went to a dragon market in Dubai as I have probably mentioned in a past post and it was kind of hot. We sat down for a while and ordered some drinks but it took too long. Since it was taking too long, my mother asked the waitress where our drinks were and the woman said it’s only starting to be prepared.


Of course, after waiting for too long, my mother and father impatiently stood up and left. But I can never forget the look on the waitress’s face how she was so baffled and shocked that we just stubbornly got up and walked away.I actually thought my family was being too harsh leaving like that because they weren’t served fast enough because for me, I could’ve still waited and understood that their little stall might have been busy. Or maybe I would’ve just kindly canceled my order and not just bluntly stand up and leave. But then, maybe it’s just because I have a soft heart. I don’t know… I just think letting anger and annoyance take control over a situation like that is unnecessary.

Also, I’ve noticed my father had grown to be too impatient over the past year. He doesn’t like waiting for us after every Wildfire and Fuel and he becomes furious when we don’t answer our phone instantly. The dangers of his driving have also increased to 30% since he breaks like a Taxi driver.

But really, I could probably say more of how angry he can easily become even outside of driving. But then again, he works and drives his office mates home every day. I don’t know what’s causing him to get stressed more and more every day but still, he should know better because he is a Christian. I really believe he should try and overcome his pride and have a little bit of peace, but then again, does he even take time to read the Bible? There’s nothing I can say about him for sure because I have no clue what goes on in his head.

Anyway, back to my point. When is the right time to get angry? That’s what I’ve been asking myself recently. I haven’t yet gotten an answer but I’ll ask for an answer. I will keep asking God until I finally get it right. Because for me, I’ve found I could forgive mistakes really easily now when it doesn’t matter. As for the big mistakes, I’m still trying to process whether or not I should be angry and show my discontentment or do the opposite thing, which is understand and forgive. Maybe a part of this has to do with me hating to get into conflict with anyone. I hate fighting, especially on topics with such little value.

I just believe gentleness and understanding comes a longer way than pride which usually leads to conflict. One of the only problems about this is that I can’t fully practice this because I have peer pressure among my own family. It’s honestly hard to be gentle when the closest people around you are doing the opposite thing. I’ve been tied to a string. That’s why I can’t wait till I have at least little glimpse of becoming independent—without my family. Just Wildfire without my sister would be good enough. I want to tackle challenges on my own and handle them the way God would want me to handle them. I don’t want the self-image I have built for my family to hold me back from doing what I really want to do and from what I should do.

And I know sometimes you might say not wanting conflict is a weakness because you’re constantly approving every one’s views in order to get along, but that’s not what I meant. I know what I believe in and I firmly stand by God’s Words, so I don’t approve of just anything and everything to get along with people and the media. I am only trying to stay true to what God wants me to be. When I meant to be gentle and understanding, I meant I didn’t want to give anyone the wrong impression of what a Christian is. Because sometimes, you just proudly throw it out there that you are Christian but then if you are short-tempered and naive, you are not any different from those who aren’t Christians, right?

Anyway, I don’t know if I have made my point clearly. All I really want is for my family to tone their temper down a bit because I honestly don’t see the point to always raise your voice to get your message straight. They could just kindly ask for me to do or stop doing something and I’d be okay with that and probably do it more than when they raise their voices. I’ve been trying my hard to be obedient and I’ve been trying to not give anyone cold treatment. Because really, if I treat them coldly when they pissed me off or whatnot, what good will that do?


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