I went to Wildfire yesterday. Hah, after all that negative things I’ve said about Wildfire in the past, you’d think I’d have enough guts to stop coming. Well, I’m still coming. Wait, have I even been mentioning negative things about Wildfire? I feel like I am scoffing at Wildfire lots of times but I also talk about it a whole lot since that’s the only thing that ever happens. Oh, well not everything is negative, I guess.
Anyway, on with what happened.
Er… I want to tell everything that happened in a chronological way but I feel like I won’t really be able to make it interesting if I write it that way but anyway, anyway, anyway…
Okay, so about Caitlin. As I’ve said a few times before, she’s a special friend to me. I’m very comfortable around her and I’m happy whenever she’s with me. But there was a point when she started playing with the two kids of the leaders. I kept my distance for a bit since I’m very awkward with kids these days. I couldn’t relate to her friendliness towards them like she’s already a mother.
She’s so good at handling kids. Meanwhile, I’d rather just look from afar. I had to admit though, I found it really cute that I was able to help Zoe (the younger little girl). She was too small to reach for a cup on the counter and it was adorable watching her struggle yet also painful at the same time. I just had to help her since no one else could see her. But what’s even more adorable is she gave that cup to her older sister because her older sister was thirsty. What a sweet little sister.
So for a long period while waiting for wildfire to start, I was by myself. I may have had a few chats with one or two people but it wouldn’t last for five minutes. I always find myself quickly turning to the counter for water as if I was in a bar gulping alcohol shots to drink away the pain—the pain of being lonely. Of course, that didn’t help. It just made me urinate later on but I’m not expanding on that… I’m just glad it was only water. If it was real alcohol, I would’ve probably lost it.
When the games started, we played snakes chasing tails. What I loved about this was that I was supposed to hold someone’s hands on my left and right. On the first round, I held Caitlin’s hands. A few rounds later, I somehow ended up holding Jessica’s hand which was also nice. My inner 10-year old self totally enjoyed being beside her…
Haha wait, I feel like I sound really gay right now… I’m not. I swear, I’m straight. I just like any kind of affection from those who I find special. Even if this won’t mean anything since it’s just a game, I still enjoyed holding their hands. I find happiness in the simplest things.
Then the band started. I wasn’t there this time but John was the band leader (a guy from the first day of Wildfire who sucked at leading and still sucks to this day). I really liked their song choices this time. It’s something everybody knew and could sing along too. The band was also great! Aantuu was in piano, my sister was on mandolin, Ben was on bass and vocals as usual, and David played the cajon. John… well, John played the guitar.
I don’t think many people noticed, but as a band member, I found he really did make a lot of mistakes on stage again. His guitar was out of tune, he was kinda off beat, he couldn’t start properly on one song and when he did start, he was in a different key. Good think Ben was there to save the day when John couldn’t sing the right key. Also, good thing David was there to make the beat louder so that no one would have to hear John’s off beat and out of tune guitar.I knew there was chaos going on stage, but nonetheless, they sounded cool.
While that went on, Rachel, an autistic girl whom I’ve known but have kept my distance from in the past few years, stood beside me. When it came to autistic people, my brain goes haywire and I panic. What am I going to do? What am I supposed to say? I just feel so awkward when someone like her is near me. But strangely, I wasn’t like that this time around. Maybe it was because Rachel greeted me and wanted a hug from me ever so randomly. Her friendliness made me feel so warm and loved. And of course, as I’ve said, if someone makes me feel loved, I’ll sure to return the love back as well.
I’ve also noticed that there was something she liked a lot. It was music. Back then, when there was no drummer in the band, she once was allowed to just go up on stage and play the bongo drum kind of instrument, and surprisingly, she wasn’t off beat or bad at it. She actually made everything sound great!
Truthfully, I’ve been watching her carefully. There was also a time in Wildifre when I played cajon and the audience was definitely not that enthusiastic. I really liked the songs on that day but I was a bit upset that the teenagers just stood there like a robot like they always do. I really lose my will to play well when I see a lifeless audience. That’s why I don’t look at them that much when I’m on stage. But when Rachel started cheering, it gave me some sort of energy to do better and be more passionate about what I’m doing for God.
Without knowing, she’s actually made me realize so many things. It’s amazing how someone who had been born different yet sees life as such an amazing thing be a great blessing to those who had been born normal yet usually think about so many negative things. I need to learn more from her because even though she’s autistic, her positive aura makes me feel like I am the one who’s not in the right state of mind.
God truly doesn’t make any mistakes. Born autistic or not. Even if we may not know it, we are all blessings to someone one way or another.
Meanwhile, before the lesson started, Caitlin did a really random thing to me and leaned on me as if I was her pillow. Of course, I found it ridiculous that she was going to turn me into a pillow during a lesson and I playfully told her to stop it. Truthfully, I was enjoying it. I also discovered that recently as my sign of affection. I pretend I don’t like it, but I really do. I’d pretend to push ’em away, but a second later, I’ll pull them in to me anyway to let them continue what they were doing. As I said, I like affection, and we’re specifically talking about Caitlin here.
Somehow, Jessica thought I was having an uncomfortable time with Caitlin’s way of affection and told me to switch seats with her, but why would I? So I became persistent and didn’t switch with her. I think I may have given her a bit of a cold vibe when I said I didn’t want to switch. Maybe it’s just me thinking this way but I think I might have made her a little bit upset. She’s actually also very close with Caitlin. I may have turned her a bit jealous, I don’t know. I just feel like she got jealous for a moment because I wanted to be with Caitlin instead of letting her have her seat with Caitlin. I really hate upsetting people. I usually give in to people’s request if I don’t want conflict. This time, I guess I just didn’t want to back down. I thought I would regret it but I guess it I just don’t feel that today.
I’m already such a lonely person. I didn’t want to make myself anymore miserable by giving up what I needed (or wanted). But I found Jessica strangely adorable while feeling like I did something bad to her at the same time. I knew how bad it is to see someone else take the attention of someone you like or want to be with. I made sure Caitlin treated her same even though most of her attention was with me. I mean after all, there was a time in my childhood when I also wanted to be beside Jessica like she was Caitlin. I still do sometimes think that way these days. I didn’t want to upset her.
Just this once, I put myself first because after all, in the past, I had always put people’s satisfactions first to gain their favor which usually results to damaging who I really am.
Of course, all these are just up in my head. I don’t know if Jessica really felt jealous at that time. It’s just a feeling I thought I recognized when she sat back down again on her seat. But I don’t think she lingered long on that if she did feel it. She still spends more time with Caitlin than I do.
As much as I want Caitlin beside me all the time, I don’t want myself to be a burden to her. I’m quite a boring person sometimes and I understand if Caitlin gives her time to somebody else.
When Wildfire ended, I saw this girl showing stuff on her notebook to some old people. She was showing off her drawings and I decided to take a look why they were all praising her. First impression of her drawings… I’m going to be blunt. It was not that great. It was a mix of anime and cartoon which is not my type, but still, an artist knows what a good drawing is. Her drawings were kind of stiff and I find myself scoffing a bit knowing she drew something in hours that I would’ve probably drawn in five minutes with even better features. Maybe if I was like 9 or 10, I would’ve enjoyed her drawings more, but in this level that I am in of drawing, I just found it cute that she thinks she’s so great.
Putting my pride aside, I’d have to say I was kind of like her too back when I was 12. I would bring my sketchbook to Youth Group and show it off, thinking my drawings were something so great. But now, when I look back at that sketchbook, I just laugh because it doesn’t look as great as my drawings now.
There are a few things that really made me stick to her and listen to what she had to say last night.
First of all, it’s her enthusiasm to tell what goes on each page of her sketchbook. I usually just show someone my drawing and would be very hesitant to tell them what it all really means for me or how I drew it because I know people wouldn’t really fully understand what I would explain to them, especially if I start using terms that they probably wouldn’t know.
Second, she had all these original characters being introduced to us. I used to have original characters of my own and I’ve grown distant from myself. Watching her just show off hers made me want to go back to my original characters and develop them from where I left them off.
Third, she was very bold about showing anything she drew. From doodles, unfinished sketches, to her original characters making out in bed, it’s like she wasn’t ashamed to show any of it.
Usually, when I have a certain drawing that is unfinished or something that is X rated yet are all drawn so well, usually, I won’t show it to anyone (obviously). I tend to hide all those things and chose only certain drawings that I really, really like and have approved of to show the world. Of course, it’s not as if I’ll start acting like her and not be ashamed of my “ugly” drawings which everyone would find great anyway. I still have my limits. I don’t like showing things off so boldly as if I’m something great. Not anymore, at least. You’d already know more of the reason behind that from the last blog.
I just find her interesting.
Fourth, I see a lot of common things between us. We both like drawing. We both like Pokemon (which is apparently not a common thing around here). I’m sure I can name more if I get to know her but I don’t really know when I’ll see her again. She’s only 1 month old in this country and is trying out different churches around the area. She’s not quite settled yet so I’m not sure whether I’ll be able to see her again.
Oh yeah, and her name is Brianne by the way. Brianne is by far one of my favorite names for a girl. I was surprised I finally met one. I actually have an original character named Brianne who’d be the future wife of my favorite original character, Jack, but I’ll talk about that some other day.
Anyway, lastly, she reminds me so much of Lauren. Brianne was like a more hyper Lauren, I’m not even kidding. Even though Brianne is more White than Asian, her style of clothing really did look like something Lauren would’ve worn. A T-shirt and some cargo shorts. Her style had that tomboyish-soccer player feel that I always used to get from Lauren. Even in the way she talks, she sounded Laruen but only with more energy. Oh, and Lauren also draws (but obviously better than Brianne, I have to say).
In a past post, I’ve told you that Lauren is the first ever friend that ever made a big impact in my life. She was the first one that ever made me feel at home with who I really am. Now all of a sudden I see someone that reminds me so much of her. It just made me feel so nostalgic. I miss Lauren…
Okay, about music matters, EXO is having a repackaged album with only 9 members. Seriously? So is Lay the last Chinese member? Man, SM, great job. You’ve made a new OT9 and have pissed off the world once again.
Meanwhile, KHUNFANY JUST BROKE UP? Ugh… they’re saying it’s because of busy schedules, but I don’t think that’s the real reason at all. I think they broke up for some other personal reason (Tiffany’s greedy work problems probably) but who am I to say things, right? It’s their lives.
All I’m really waiting for at the end of the day is YongSeo.
LIFEHOUSE JUST REALEASED AN ALBUM. I want to buy it physically so bad instead of just downloading it like I always do. This is the comeback of my old music taste, man! This is Lifehouse we’re talking about!!!