Current Fears

Yesterday, my friends went on this “Illuminate” thing. I didn’t go because the thought seemed too suspicious with all those triangles on the flyer. Yeah, I’m talking about suspicious illuminati crap. Even though it’s a “Christian” event, you can never be too sure.

But yeah, anyway, let’s get to the point that I really want to talk about.

So I was scrolling down instagram this morning and found a picture of my friends all crowded up in a bus. First thing that comes to mind is me feeling lonely and jealous that I didn’t go. Caitlin went, and so did Jessica and Centine. Even the others that I so badly want to get to know and hang out with went, and it made me feel even worse.

But it’s not like I could change back my decision. It’s not like it’s easy to get rid of my pride of not going either. I’ve always been in this argument with myself to go or not to go in almost any Wildifre event. It had always been hard to choose between family perspectives and my own desires. In the end, I usually pick my family’s perspective, trying to trick myself that’s what I desire. Truthfully, I’m just a confused person when an opportunity of making friends like this comes. It’s not like I’m so disturbed about it, though. The feeling is always 50-50 positive and negative.

A while back in Wildfire, we had small groups and there was this question: “What are some things you think God would take away from you?” or at least it was something like that. When they asked me, I stayed quiet and just chuckled, saying “I don’t know” but I knew exactly what answer I had in mind. While they were talking among themselves, I took the courage to say what answer I had, but only to Aantuu because I can’t take letting everyone know about it.

“I feel like friends are something I would lose,” I said. “Maybe not now, but in the future, saying goodbye will always be a thing I’ll eventually have to deal with for God. At least, that’s what I feel.” I may not have exactly said it like that, but it was similar and Aantuu understood what I was saying. While I was talking about that, the other girls turned to me and asked me again since they heard me talking, but I’m glad Aantuu defended me, telling them I’d rather not talk about it because she must’ve caught on that I tried avoiding the topic as quickly as possible.

Even in the Christian world, what I believe in and what I view might offend fellow brethren. God’s truth is also sometimes frequently swerved in the Christian society, so when I disagree with someone’s teaching or belief, it could cost me a friend or acquaintance. Fortunately for now, I know none that has cut ties with me because of my beliefs. Well, I guess someone have made a little bit of distance, but that’s only I feeling I got…

But that’s what happens when you choose to love God. Some things should be left behind…

   

Anyway, as I’ve mentioned in the past before, the topic of friends or losing friends is a sensitive topic to me. Maybe it’s because I’m constantly lonely and I’m constantly holding expectations from the few friends I have. And when I do have someone I’ve grown so much attached to, they’d soon leave the country. That alone is probably the reason why I don’t initiate first conversation to someone anymore. I’ve lost so many that I feel like I’d rather not build new relationships and then lose anyone anymore. In a way, I’m kind of tired.

Of course, if someone actually made the effort to try to get to know me or get closer to me, I’d be good to them and open up to them because I don’t want them to feel the same way I have been feeling for the past few years—ignored and treated as nothing special. But has anyone really listened to me and took the time to be friends with me? Hah, no. Well, I guess maybe only Preethi… I’m thankful for her, but she’s not completely mine since she’s more acquainted to my sister. I want a friend of my own—a friend that I could call mine and a friend who would call me hers/his. A friend that isn’t my sister’s friend, basically. That sounded a bit selfish, but hey, that’s just how I am. I want to have a friend of my own.

And if I admit I love someone, I mean it a lot, and I don’t just say that to anyone.

This morning, my parents asked us what we did in Fuel yesterday. And so we told them that John (youth pastor) passed us these papers and we should circle anonymously what applied to us.

There were all sorts of things written there like “I’ve had sex before. I’ve had abortion before. I’ve stolen before. I feel like I have no relationship with God. I want my parents to know who I really am,” and all other sorts of things like that. I didn’t circle much but one of the things I circled was “I’m lonely.” Since I went down to watch someone get baptized, I missed a few points of the lesson. But my sister said that John read all of those anonymous confessions and most of them in Fuel were also lonely and depressed.

I knew I wasn’t the only one, but why are so many people so lonely and depressed? Is it a teenager phase or something? I mean just in Fuel alone, you can see that most of them are all just the same, me included.

My family talked about all sorts of things about friendship but what really stuck with me was that we hated greetings that don’t matter. Things like “How are you” when they’re really not interested in getting the answer, or things like saying hi to one person and make small talk then move on to the next person… I guess such conversations as those can make a lot of people lonely. It’s because people don’t really connect in the right way when small talks are made. You may have known each other for years, but for those years, all you ever talk about is the whether, exams, or what, something that doesn’t even matter that much?

And I guess there’s also a thing about being so biased. You pick all these “favorite” friends that usually, you’d neglect those that aren’t classified as your favorite. I personally am like this and I annoy myself. I want to be with only this certain person but then there’s this opportunity to make friends with someone new and I do nothing about it. And even though I know they are just as socially awkward as I am, even though I know they’d like to have friends of their own because they are sitting by themselves, I still do nothing. They are there but usually, I don’t even take notice of their existence until I’m forced to.

Maybe it’s because part of me is just scared that my words are going to screw everything up. Maybe it’s because I might offend them without knowing anything. Maybe it’s because when you open up to them in a certain way, they won’t respond in the way you would want them to. And there are probably so many other fears I could list down.

I think a lot of teenagers have those kinds of fears, right? You want to be friends, you want to get to know each other, but where you should start, you have no clue. When the time runs out, it’s too late because you let over thinking occupy most of your time.

I know I want other people to approach me more other than me approaching them. But seriously, sometimes waiting for someone to go closer is a waste of time because most of them are thinking the same way. Sometimes, the first move is what matters, and maybe I’m supposed to take initiative in certain situations…


If I move to a new place and start anew with friends, would I get what I so desire? Only God knows what’s for sure. He has everything I will receive in the future. I know all I have to do is be content with what I have. When the time is right, a friend will be given to me. I know it will be worth the wait.

To the friends that I have now, I’ll cherish them as much I can when I still have the time to be with them. They may not know how much they mean to me and I wished I could express these feelings of love to them. They are special to me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m special to them too, but I know I shouldn’t think about it too much. I should enjoy the relationships I have now while it lasts.

   

 So really, what I’m also trying to get at is that I shouldn’t be jealous of others. I may feel a little lonely but I’m trying to be as optimistic as I can, because really, my situation is not that bad. I trust God can fill up my needs and desires, but as of now, all He’s doing is making me trust Him more. See, losing friends or being lonely isn’t that bad. I actually get closer and closer to God more because he knows who I am and he’s my truest friend. He’ll never leave me.

   

I quote myself from a previous post:

“Life truly is something. Through so much let down, one can have the urge to give up. I’ve realized that after all these different relationships, there were so much things I’ve learned from each of them, not just about friendship, but also about myself—things that were once a mystery to me….

…By the end of every friendship, I shouldn’t be disappointed. I can be sad, but I shouldn’t curse the world for it because every one of them was once blessings from God. He gives, He takes, but He does it for reasons. We might not understand His reasons quickly, but I’m sure these reasons won’t be kept from us forever.

I believe my different experiences with different friendships prepare me for the future. It’s slowly molding me to be the perfect piece that I should be when that one person comes—for that soulmate out there somewhere in the world living right now, for that person who will always stand by me.”

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