I woke up to GG!!! Oh My Gooooooosh! My Oppas are just. I just can’t. YSHY totally slayed Catch Me If You Can, but of course, my Taengoo and Seolady is so freakin’ hot! Tiffany and Sunny turned me off a little because of their weird aura, but that doesn’t matter. YURI YOONA HYOYEON and SOOYOUNG have LINES. LONG LINES.
And, I also heard “Girls.” My heart melted when Yoona sang so many parts. She even sang so well that I could’ve mistaken her for Jessica at some parts. My feels are really played with this song. There was even a cat meowing at some point and I just lost it. They really had to put mao mao in there.
[Mao Mao=Jessica’s Chinese nickname]
And also, this is why horrible EXO fanfiction exists -_-. I’m surprised they really added this in for their drama. This must be really close to reality. After all, they are playing as themselves anyway. This is why I still don’t get how BaekYeon will work. Who’s the man and woman in that relationship, exactly?
Ehem, anyway, on to serious matters…
Today is Friday and the verses were from Ephesians 5.
3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.
I thought it was just going to be another church service with my sketching away drawings to pass time but… it wasn’t. When they started Scripture reading, I had my ears ready to listen. I knew the message was what I needed to hear.
For the past week, I did all sin that was written on that passage. I have been greedy in a lot of areas. Things that would also come out of my mouth would be horrible even for me to hear. My cursing and scoffing has come to a point that it’d be too late before I could take my words back. My sinful actions have become an addiction so hard to quit. Day by day just kept getting worse and I tried brushing these off as my reality now—that it’s useless to turn myself around since this is who I am, or really, who I’ve become but not exactly who I wanted to be.
I’ve read Scriptures like these so many times in the Bible and still I had no will to change myself. I’d make a note in my head but my body wouldn’t really follow it the next day or maybe even just a few minutes later. Maybe a part of me was scared—scared of being exposed. I think everyone has that fear, right? I mean it’s the Father we’re up against here! I know he’s forgiving and I am forgiven through faith in Christ Jesus, but I still can’t build up the courage to battle the inner demon in me. I should be a saint, and I do claim I am a saint, but that’s nothing but a Pharisee trait. I do have a higher level of spiritual understanding, but I’m no better than a newly converted Christian who had made up his mind to sin lesser for the Lord. I’m getting dirtier day after day and I am so frustrated with myself. I’ve become a slave to my own desires and to the fallen angel that wanted me turn away from Him.
This breaks my heart. I don’t want to be like this. Sure, my sins wouldn’t cause me problems physically, but oh for sure it is destroying me psychologically. My thinking process has become askew and confusing. It’s hard to choose from right to wrong when the wrong looks harmless and beautiful and the right looks boring and outdated. And I know it shouldn’t be so hard to resist as I am a daughter of God, but since I’ve snorted up the high of sin a lot of times, the addiction, the desire, would call me, and I would shamefully submit to it.
Even today, after the sermon, I continued to curse as it was my normal vocabulary, and every time I spit them out, I would bite my tongue in regret. It’s so hard to stop. I’ve become numb to sin. My reflexes don’t help anymore. I know how dangerous this is for me. Every time the hot iron touches my skin, I don’t turn away because I can’t feel the heat. I want to cry, but I can’t because I already did last year. I’ve already known how sinful I’ve become but still, I kept doing it. This thought of how awful my spirit has become turned into the norm and I’ve lived with it like a cockroach that I just let freely roaming around the house.
But now I really, really want to kill them. It may not be easy to kill the rest of its family but I’m going to try and kill everyone I see. I should also try and clean my house because these cockroaches live with a dirty house. I’m tired of letting them live like my house is their place. I’m tired of being helpless to stop them. They are smaller than what I think. Because isn’t that the thing about cockroaches? People fear them but they’re only so small and harmless. They also repel easily from human threats. It’s easy to kill them. Just hit them with your sandals hard. Crush ‘em down. It shouldn’t be that hard to fight such small creatures.
Satan is a cockroach. He has lots of little armies that can sneak up to you in almost any area of your house. Devils are not as big as tigers. Devils are only as big as cockroaches. They can turn you in frenzy if you spot them, but it’s only a matter of time before you realize you just have to kill that cockroach with a simple slap on the face.
So now, I will try my hardest not to ask stupid questions and answer myself with a self-centered belief. Because when it all comes down to it, thoughts are dangerous in their own way. Too much over-thinking and too much exposure to the world would drive a certain Golden rule into a joke. Also, priorities can drive a person to a wrong path. I’ll try to be careful about my thought process and my desires and look more to the Word.
I’ve also limited myself from fangirling like crazy to my favorite artists. I no longer want to call them as gods or goddesses. I no longer want to make them such a much bigger priority than God Himself. I may recognize them as respectable artists and people who make me happy, but I won’t bow down to them. They are not my kings and queens. I won’t let them be my kings and queens.
I will also try to repel negative thoughts. Perversion, jealousy, lust, and all those things… though it may not be easy to tear them away from my skin in an instant, little by little, I will try to remove them.
This process could take me years and I have to admit. I know I’m scared—scared that I’ll fall back into the same sinful person again—but I shouldn’t be, right? All I really have to do is hold Jesus’s hand and look into his eyes when the road gets slippery. When someone offers a seemingly innocent product on the street, I should ask first him if it’s alright to take it.
It’s funny because yesterday night, I felt so lonely that I prayed to God, “Why don’t I have friends? I know there will be one that will come to my life in the future, but what about the present? I have no one. Please tell me an answer tomorrow. I don’t want to keep waiting.”
And to my surprise, this is the message that I got. “Be thankful for what you have and stop being so greedy.”