Sensitive 변태

There’s a few random things happening around lately. Hmm… I don’t know where to start, really.

Okay, let’s start with the continuation of my conversation with my friend back in twitter… you know, that girl. Yeah, yeah, that girl whom I have a “friend crush” on

First of all, she’s a budding little YouTuber. To be honest, her YouTube channel ain’t my kind of thing (makeup, hair, and other girly stuff), but I still subscribed to her (last year) nonetheless since she was my friend. Even though she wasn’t the kind of YouTuber I was usually into (comedy, games, and music), I still enjoyed her videos because of her simplicity, humor, and innocence. It’s kind of surprising how I find her enjoyable to watch because the YouTubers I watch are itsGrace, YouDeserveADrink, PsychoSoprano, Jacksfilms, PewDiePie, AnnaAkana, whom have this sick/silly humor that most innocent people won’t get or will refrain from watching.

 

[Because I admit, I am kind of a byuntae sometimes when it comes to my way of thinking… which is kiiiind of a bad thing.

Oh… I’ve been rubbed off with the byuntae perspective by my favorite people, huh? It’s all a bad influence, I know. Felix (Pewds), Grace Helbig, Mamrie Hart… TaeYeon, SooYoung, and Jessica of Girls’ Generation… even my parents are also partly at fault because now that I look back, they did joke a lot about poops, urine, farts, and private parts which I totally found funny at such a young age. Tnx Mom and Dad. Luv U.

LOL, I don’t care, though. As long as I don’t voice out all of those byuntae jokes that pop in my head from time during conversations with innocent people, I’ll be alright. I have been trying to refrain myself from thinking so, but still, it’s not a very easy habit to cut out since the habit is quite automatic.]

So anyway, since that friend meant a lot to me, I somehow admitted to her that one of her videos turned my day around.

It was quite a day back in Dec. 24, 2014. I was very depressed and I didn’t feel like doing anything. I was so down for absolutely no clear reason and could not do anything I once found enjoyable. Even if it was Christmas season, I could not feel the happiness or excitement. There was just nothing. I was in a state of blankness. Then I watched her video and somehow it just made me all giddy inside. After that, for the rest of the night, I felt rather happy. I didn’t really know why. Maybe it was just her that makes me happy for absolutely no reason… or at least, that’s how I saw it then.

After I admitted to her what had happened to me before and after watching her video, the next day she talked to me again. She told me she wanted to make a video for me since she wanted me to stay happy or that it was because her videos cheered me up. I found her very sweet for that—for trying to cheer me up. And so, I told her to react to K-pop videos (LOL couldn’t help it, can’t I?) and she said okay. A few days later, she posted a photo of her editing her video and it was her reacting to I GOT A BOY by SNSD, which totally freaked me out. Her sneak peek of her unfinished work totally got me fangirling… because what’s not to like? My nine favorite girls + sweet friend in one video! I was so pumped for it and all that… but then a few days later, she told me the files accidentally got deleted.

I wasn’t angry that she failed to do as she promised. I wasn’t disappointed about it either. I still felt rather happy. I felt happy because after all these years, she’s giving something back to me when I didn’t really ask for anything in return. Knowing she tried to come up of a way to cheer me up–that she thought about doing a video for me in her channel–tells me that she cared about me in some way. I have a friend who cared. She cared. Even if it was just a little bit…

I didn’t have the courage to say to her how thankful I am, though… Confessing my feelings of gratitude or feelings of anything at all may be too much to handle for me if she doesn’t respond in the way I imagine. I know I’ll find a way to thank her sincerely with my own words someday. Someday.

This weekend (Fri, Sat), my family went to Jebel Hafeet since my dad wanted to wear our new scarves and sweaters… yes, mainly just for that purpose. Oh, Dad, you’re silly and mysterious.

On the way there, we came at a gas station to eat lunch. Somewhere along the conversations, my mom said, “If we(mom&dad) were to find a job in another place far away from here, would you agree?” I quickly shook my head to a no. As she kept pressing on, I became too annoyed and let down that I didn’t continue speaking after that. Ugh. I was really happy that day because I got to see one of my friends at church after the long Christmas break. I was even skipping too much that day since I felt so alive… then suddenly my mom says “what if we leave this place…” My day was instantly ruined.

I felt so offended and hurt since I barely have friends, and the friends that I do have tend to leave the country. I get that God may put me in another place from this home that I’m in right now, but I don’t believe he’ll crush my dreams of getting to know the ones whom I’ve already met—the ones whom I’ve prayed for endlessly because they mean so much to me. I felt so heavy thinking about parting ways with friends again… Ugh, it’s even kind of making me tear up right now as I’m writing this. Now I am reminded about crying secretly in the car at that time since I knew losing friends all over again was possible in that way.

My love for my friends is sometimes just too much. They may not know it, but if I start giving them gifts, it means they really mean something to me, and that I don’t want to loose them anytime soon.

Thinking about loosing my sister over college is already bad enough, now my mom jokes about leaving this home where all those who keep me sane in this lonely and depressing world of mine lives?

I didn’t want to be angry at my mom for the whole trip so I figured I should tell her how I felt—how gravely she hurt me with those simple questions. I’m not exactly one to confess my feelings, but remembering how TaeYeon once scolded and screamed out her feelings at Tiffany for the unintentional, hurtful words the latter said to her when she was sick  how long my parents never know exactly what goes in my head, I had to express myself in some way so that I wouldn’t get hurt like this again. Usually, when I tend to hide my feelings, I’m the only one who gets hurt. I didn’t want that to happen so very often again. Good thing my mom apologized when I went straight forward with it.

In the end, I’ve discovered something new about myself: Talking about losing friends is a very sensitive topic for me. If someone jokes about me losing friends, it will hit me right in the core.

At least now I know where all those “goodbye” themed angst stories that I’ve written came from now.

Anyway, on a brighter note, this happened at the top of Jebel Hafeet:

Today I got new glasses! My old one kind of fell apart since it was weak material.

Now I’ve got a really nice piece. I can finally see again!!

Oh yeah, about Jonghyun, I like his music style! It’s that easy, night jam instead of the supper electronic pop. Yes! I simply love it. And about the music video, it had a very “Dream Girl” vibe to it which I liked.

It was great… except for excessive abs scenes. Little scenes of abs could’ve been alright like Zhou Mi’s few seconds abs on Rewind, but every other second is just a bit ehhh… well, everyone has their opinions.

I’m a girl but I don’t really give a crap about men’s abs and boobs. Like what’s so great about those? Women have those too but nobody goes around flashing those in public. Hahaha, I guess what I’m trying to say here is that man muscles are cool, but just don’t go around all day shirtless.

Go wear a bra or something. Get some suits too while you’re at it and I just might find you hot… lol

Gosh, this must be why I don’t stan 2PM that much. Excessive abs appearance (mostly showing it off) just ain’t my thing.

Little sneak peaks of abs are always welcome though… like undressing tops or something like that… lol. That’s so byuntae ahahaha! Sorry, sorry, won’t happen again. I’m freaking myself out just saying that.

 

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