Losing friendships… 안녕 친구들…

Woah… 2015 is really freakin’ friendly and it’s only been five days. It’s becoming my best friend… unlike 2014 who was a big pain on the butt.

So I have this friend named Emelyne. I’ve known her for at least 5 years, though not quite. We were not that close back in the day. For five years, we stayed acquaintances with nothing but a simple hi and hello before awkwardly walking away… but last year about autumn, we instantly clicked.

It was at a girls’ retreat when I decided to write my name on my cup. When she saw my name, I’m pretty sure her view of me instantly blinded her so brightly that night. How? It was because my name was written in Korean (미아 안젤라).

She was a K-Pop fan… and not just any K-Pop fan, she was an SM Town citizen (stan)—just like me. We got each other instantly. From her favorite band, Super Junior, to my favorite band Girls’ Generation, and to our “I like them and their music but not their fans” band EXO, we were on the same boat.

At first we were like:

But then when she saw my cup, this basically became us the whole girls’ retreat:

The start of our friendship was perfect ㅎ.ㅎ! That’s when I knew she was the friend I’ve been praying for this Wildfire (youth group) year! She was that one person I’ve prayed to be “someone who I can comfortably be with in character, interest, and culture wise.” She was Asian, I was Asian, she was an SM Town stan like I was, and she’s also a slight introvert! The best thing about her was that at the very first day of Wildfire, back (Sept. 2014) when we didn’t really know that we’d be close friends by the end of the year, my sister and I prayed with her (like small group) since the three of us were the only ones on the same row. Now that I look back, God really does answer prayers and He does such a great job at surprising us.

Yesterday, my K-Pop friend Emelyne met with me and my older sister to catch up and hang out for the first and last time before she leaves the country. It was total fun since all we did was sit down and talk about K-pop like some new internet thread. Mostly we talked about situations surrounding SM Town since it’s a chaos and party these days concerning problems and comebacks. We didn’t really walk around that much around the mall because it would only be tiring to do so. I tried not to act as if she was going to go because I didn’t want to cry… I didn’t want to feel the pain of having another new friend leave me here all alone. Maybe that’s why I’ve acted a bit distant and didn’t say too much things unless I really had something to add.

…or am I really that way all the time? Meh, I guess so. I don’t really talk that much in everyday life, too.

Anyway, when she made me sign her notebook, I felt it… that same familiar pain of letting go. I tried not to let it show, though. That was a day to be happy since it’s the first time since I’ve gone out and had plans with a friend. Yeah, you read right. It was my first time… but it was my last time with her. Gosh, writing this down is making me sigh quite a lot.

I don’t even know why I’m this way because I’m going to keep in contact with her. It’s the age of fast messaging… Bah, who am I kidding, I know why I’m this way. I’m a very lonely person, that’s why.

I remember all the friends I’ve had so far in this country… all of them have left already. That’s the painful thing about this desert nation. Everyone just comes and goes like the occasional sandstorms throughout the year. In the end, I’m always dried up.

There was my AWANA buddy, Christabel, who’s now back in her home country.

There was my only girl classmate in AWANA, Francesca, who’s now somewhere in the world.

There was my only Filipino friend, Zoe, who’s now back in our home country.

There was my only artist and tomboyish, cool friend, Lauren, whom I dearly miss, now in Canada. Now all I have of her is a bracelet she made for me. Man, she pulled my heartstrings so hard on the last day of youth group… Every time I wear that bracelet, I instantly feel like I’m home… like I was never lonely. Gah… I really miss her so much…

this is me eating 삼겹살 while wearing the unwearable bracelet made by Lauren (red, yellow, blue)

  

And now, Emiline, whom I’ve been acquainted for so long but just clicked just recently through K-Pop… she’s going to Australia for good next Sunday. I wanted to get to know her more and spend more time spazzing about things but… oh well…

None of them even lasted for one to two years… None.

There were times just recently when I felt like, “Hmm… maybe I should just stop opening up so I wouldn’t hurt.” However, every time that echoed in my brain, the stupider it sounded. Life truly is something. Through so much let down, one can have the urge to give up. I’ve realized that after all these different relationships, there were so much things I’ve learned from each of them, not just about friendship, but also about myself—things that were once a mystery to me.

There was Christabel who made me realize that culture was no barrier in a friendship as long as we kept treating each other as normal kids would—kids that wouldn’t care about which country we belong to as long as we kept each other happy when no one else really could.

There was Francesca, who despite her outer appearance, she had a warm and fun heart. It was a lesson for me that judging a book by its cover was never a good idea. Some books with a weird cover have some really nice stories.

There was Zoe whom I’ve had less barriers with since we were both Filipinos, making her the most comfortable to be around. It made me realize how friendly I can get when the latter has less confidence in the world around her. I can become the bubbly one to make things comfortable for that friend who’s slightly uncomfortable in the new environment. I’m not always the shy and quiet one.

There was Lauren, who made me realize that trying to blend in with the girly-girls group was against my true colors (because just like Lauren, I was never the type to talk about boys, nails, or shopping). It was also when she was finally gone that I realized how much more precious one person can be for me than a crowd whom I know nothing of or have no interest and similarity in. She took out my true colors, my true identity. And though she may not know it, she was the coolest friend I’ve met so far in my young life. She was that kind of person where I was like, “I want to have her attitude towards life. I want to be myself, just like how she does.”

Now there’s Emelyne. There are a lot of things I’ve learned from this is friendship even though this was the shortest friendship I’ve experienced. I’ve realized that one similar thing can really bring two people together. I’ve realized that I don’t really have to be “outgoing” to meet a new friend (because we became friends when I barely spoke a word). And the greatest thing of all is that God does plan our lives. God knows our thirsts and he will quench them in an unexpected way. Though it may not last longer than we expect, God will make it as memorable as it could be.

Oh, and I forgot to mention this. Before meeting Emelyne, she changed our plans the night before and said we should go to the mall instead (because main plan was to go to my house). I was so disappointed that I couldn’t sleep that night. When I woke up, I wasn’t as excited since things didn’t go my way, but when I finally saw her at the front of the mall, I instantly forgot that I was upset. In my head, I was like, “Yes, it doesn’t matter where we’d meet and what we’d do. As long as I’m with her, spending time with each other like we’ve been good friends for a long time, I’ll be happy.” It’s a lesson I’ll never forget: that things won’t always go the way you planned with someone, but if you love them enough, plans won’t matter as long as you’re finally together.

  • I actually also learned that during Christmas when Dad wanted to prepare something grand (since my mom was kind of sick so we didn’t have time to buy presents for each other) but it ended up failing. Still, by the end of the day, it didn’t matter because at least we’re together. You don’t need something grand to feel the love. (This is why I don’t want a fancy proposal or wedding lol)

By the end of every friendship, I shouldn’t be disappointed. I can be sad, but I shouldn’t curse the world for it because every one of them were once blessings from God. He gives, he takes, but he does it for reasons. We might not understand His reasons quickly, but I’m sure these reasons won’t be kept from us forever.

I believe my different experiences with different friendships prepare me for the future. It’s slowly molding me to be the perfect piece that I should be when that one person comes—for that soulmate out there somewhere in the world living right now, for that person who will never leave me.

So before I start to get cheesy with words, let me continue my story of January 4.

   

At about 11 in the morning, when I haven’t yet met up with Emelyne, I got a message from a friend through twitter. I got quite surprised since she never starts a conversation with me in the internet. I’m usually the first one to do so back in the day, but I stopped since I grew to be awkward around her over time. And so I said hello back, but didn’t manage to see her reply since I went to see Emelyne. When I came back home, I opened my twitter. I thought she wouldn’t reply back after a long time but to my surprise, she did answer quite fast. So I continued the conversation and she kept on replying back… and I’m pretty sure I was widely smiling the whole time.

Agh…

She’s one of the first friendly people that introduced themselves to me (instead of me usually introducing myself to them). I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned her in a couple of private/hidden posts before in my old blog, and when I did, I probably sounded like a weird cheesy kid.

We weren’t exactly considered as close but we were friends. I tried endless times trying to get closer to her, but it got more awkward and hard for me (so I guess that’s why I stopped…)

There was that one time at Wildfire when she sat beside me and I wanted to talk to her so badly but couldn’t say anything because… well, it’s been a while. I was so nervous that she was right there next to me that I ended up not saying anything at all, looking like I just ignored her. Ugh, it’s hard sometimes to converse with people you’ve slightly grown apart from.

At the same girls’ retreat from what I’ve mentioned above, she showed a more playful and silly character than in the past. I played piano and also taught her a few things, even with the shaker. I was glad that we had an opportunity to be more comfortable with each other. I really didn’t want to be awkward around her… I wanted to be her friend.

Now she’s chatting me on twitter and I’m like… why? It’s not that I don’t mind, but it’s so sudden. She suddenly wants to talk to me? Oh… after all these years, she still has the ability to make me confused in an unexplainable, “butterflies in my stomach” way, but instead of as lovers, it’s more of a friendship thing… like an “I want to be friends with you” kind of thing. A friend crush perhaps? Gah… I don’t really understand it either.

She makes me smile and I don’t entirely know why. She’s so different from me, so girly from me, and so innocent from me… maybe that’s why I like her? Positive and negative ends of a magnet attract? Aigoo, I don’t know.

Hmm… I guess it’s more of like IU having a crush on Sulli minus the “I have thousands of pictures of her in my phone” part. IU definitely wrote a song for Sulli and that’s something I almost did. Or did I do that already? I think I already did. Opps, caught.

I’d rather not say her name here right now. Maybe in the future, I’ll get to mention her name…

 

She’s a precious gem. Let’s just leave it at that.

  

  

I guess now I know why IU is my favorite and TaeYeon is my bias. We share way too many qualities such as these.

  

For once, I’m actually quite happy these days! I mean that’s something new! Back in the last days of 2014, my mood was really dark and down… but now, I feel so lightweight and happy. ㅠ.ㅠ I’m so touched by the New Year. This New Year is definitely the best.

Oh, I just noticed something!

2013 is the calm before the storm.

2014 is the storm.

2015 is the sunshine after the storm.

This is how I know 2015 will be great. X)

 
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