Crush

The same night of the first Wildfire meet-up, Gabriel messaged me. He said if I was fishy because I said something earlier while we (Christelle, him, John Adithya, and I) were walking to Seashell. Someone said that “Christelle is light. I can probably carry her.” I replied, “Then why don’t you try carrying her right now?” I thought it was John A who said that and I for some reason felt insulted (maybe cuz I don’t exactly like that guy and I don’t ship him with Christelle), that’s why I dared him. There was confusion in who said it, but I think I heard right—it was John A. But anyway, Gabe said I was fishy for saying that. Then he said he shipped them. I said I didn’t, but he said,

       “Whyyyyyyyy? It’s an otp.”

       “I dunno, I just… it’s weird to me.” I never really shipped Christelle and John A. Although they joked well together and talked a lot together, I kind of hated his guts when it came to her. I don’t even know why. Gabriel shipped them. Edwin thought they liked each other and looked nice together, but for some reason I can’t see them being a couple together, or at least I don’t want to. It’s probably because I shipped Edwin and Christelle a whole lot before. And there was one time in the Wildfire chat when I blew up at John A for saying Christelle must be pretending to be innocent because she could not understand the 18+ joke that Edwin “tested” the group with. I don’t know… there’s just something about him that annoys me. Hmm… maybe it has something to do with him being John Surya’s brother, too. I can’t trust them with romance, especially if precious Christelle is involved.

I told Gabe that I shipped her with Edwin but alas, it was a sinking ship. Maybe instead of being a good detector of couples, I can detect those that won’t even work. Is this what happens when you ship tragic Taengsic??? The tragic couple radar just turns on???

Gabriel said he always thought of Edwin as a person who didn’t like anybody. So he was shocked when he found out about that crush story the first time. I told him that he obviously did not see what I see because I was always with those two.

       Then I said, “Anyway, you still have a crush on Christelle, right? That’s why you assumed I’m fishy? Or am I wrong XD”

       “No I assumed it was fishy because I shipped them (John A and Christelle). And I thought you were helping them. Tho….. The first part…..”

I haven’t written about this since this revelation happened when I was in the Philippines. It was one night when I couldn’t sleep because it was hot and there was no aircon. It wasn’t easy to fall asleep either since I slept on a small couch instead of a bed. So I decided to strike up a conversation and ask him how the last day of Wildfire was like.

       He said, “Sad haha.
       Did I tell u who I like?
       Feels like I did.
       Sad tho cuz idk when I’ll see everyone again.
       And all my other friends are gonna spend holiday away from here haha.”

His message took me aback a little because I only asked him how the last day of Wildifre was like. I didn’t say anything about a crush. So I quoted his ‘Did I tell you who I like?’ message and said, “I don’t think so.”

       “Oh ok. XDDD”

       “Who is it? *smirk emoji*” Just to keep in mind, this was during the time I had a bit of a crisis trying to know if I actually liked Gabriel or not. His reply made me clear up my mind. (And since he spammed lots of dumb things on Wildfire chat on the whole 3 months, I can honestly say I don’t have any feelings for him at all. Anyway, back with the story)

       “Wellllll.
       I trust you haha.
       Christelle.
       SHUSH”

       “OH
       REALLY??? Omg” Okay, so it was about 12:30 AM during that time, and man did I have a hard time not to make a sound! I was absolutely shocked at this confession. Christelle was the least person I expected him to like, especially since I knew before that he liked Pastor Jeramie’s daughter Sarah.

       “SHHHH XDDDDDD
       Yeah.
       Since a few weeks ago at least.”

       “Wow this is crazy, I never knew. XD” This was like just a week after I basically confessed to Christelle about Edwin’s crush on her. Now I found that another guy likes her? And I’m in the middle of all of this? How are the guys just revealing this so easily to me? Is it because I’m close with Christelle? Again, it felt like I was in a teenage novel. Gabriel, Edwin, Christelle, and I were really close. It’s funny because the guys have a crush on her, but I’m the one who wins her because I actually find her so precious and she seems to see me the same way. What is this fanfic worthy material???? XD

       “What do you like about her?” I asked. What makes her so lovable to the guys? I mean I had a pretty solid reason as to why I liked her as a friend, but I wanted to hear the guy’s perspective on her.

       “Everything.
       What’s not to like?
       The way she acts
       Laughs
       Talks
       Sings
       Sleeps
       SHUSH”

Haha, I could have thought he was funny to have fallen really deep with her since he even finds her sleeping adorable, but I couldn’t agree with him more because he said almost everything I thought of, too. She’s energetic, friendly, and boisterous, but she can be so awkward sometimes which makes her really funny. She does have a very hearty laugh. She talks very nicely, loudly, and clearly, unlike me who stutters all the damn time. As I said earlier, just hearing my name from her is the best thing ever. And don’t even get me started with her singing… And yes, I wrote a detailed log about her sleeping on my shoulders, and she was very adorable during that time. She’s a precious human being indeed. I understand why the guys like her. I wonder how many more has a crush on her? Does she even know how much people like her?

       “Haha ikr tbh she’s a real cute girl,” I said.

       “I K R ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ <3”

Then we got to some conversation about the fans and heat in the Philippines and I how I couldn’t sleep. But I was still thinking about what he revealed so I shifted the conversation back to that again.

       “Wait so what made you start liking Christelle??? I’m so curious XDD”

       “I realized
       That I liked her XDDD
       Because she’s awesome
       That’s me being lazy to type it XDDD
       Well, she’s savagely amusing XDDD
       It’s genius”

       “Omg yes XDDD”

       “And that like got me thinking what, is she like this the whole time?
       Like like what else is she like
       And
       Like I thot naw dawg
       I may get attatched if I do that cuz that’s how things work with me.
       But like apparently just seeing her as she is
       Got me thinking ‘this girl has gotta be an angel’
       And then I realize ‘ohhhh wait I only say that to girls I like’
       ‘I like dis girl.’”

       “She’s full of charms,” I said.

       “Well I can see whyyyy
       Yeah, she is.”

       “Are you gonna confess to her at some point? *smirk emoji*” I asked.

       “No.”

       “Oh ok. XD”

       “WELL DIS GON MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY TO TELL U BUUUUT IDK MAYBE U ALREADY KNOE”

       “Know what”

       “Guess who Edwin liked
       Shhh
       I didn’t say nothing.
       Don’t say I sad anything cuz I didn’t.”

       “Yeah he told me that’s why I’m so awake rn.”

       “Oh.
       HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

       “I won’t tell Edwin omg this is crazy enough.”

       “IKR
       LIKE HOMAGAH I TREMBLED WHEN HE TOLE ME”

       “He told me he thinks you liked me but I KNEW IT you like someone else but omg I didn’t expect it to be Christelle XDDDD”

       “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
       Like no offense, as awesome as you are, not my type.
       I see you as a future leading prodigy awesome successful person but not my type XDDD”

       “I know. You like people like Yoona XD”

       “Oh right. So that’s who I told you.”

       “You like loud and crazy and cute girls XD I’m none of that XDDD”

       “Ur cute m8”

       “Im smol”

       “Crazy SKILLS but true, not crazy haha
       Smol = cute (99%xtime)”

       “I have some pride to uphold, I cann’t go crazy XDDD”

       “HAHAHAHAH
       But you seem so
       Humble
       Blunt and humble”

       “Yeah, and that too, and humble and crazy is a weird thing.”

       “Yeah haha”

       “Now I’m curious as to what Christelle’s ideal type actually is,” I said.

       “HAHAHAHAHA”

       “Who do you think she likes?”

       “Wait you don’t know?
       Tbh idk.
       I ship her with John A tho
       Idk what girls that are like Christelle like.”

       “I can’t (ship her with John A). It’s hard to ship her with anyone. I feel like she’s my lil sister and I wanna protect her”

       “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

       “I’m curious tho. How do you guys ship your crushes with someone else? Doesn’t that like hurt you?”

       “HAHAHAHAHA
       When you’re me
       Naw Dawg.
       Or when you truly just wanna see that smile on her face
       Naw Dawg.”

       “Oh ok XDDD I get what you’re saying.”

       “Haha Goodie”

       “Idk how you and Edwin easily get this stuff out. It’s so interesting. I never talk about things like this with Christelle XD”

       “I’m too trusting.
       That’s it really.
       So if I trust you past like 30% I can probably tell you everything
       Maybe. I guess.”

       “Well I don’t really talk about these things so you can definitely trust me.”

       “Why not?”

       “Idk. I haven’t had a crush for a long time so maybe that’s why ”

       “Really??”

       “Haha yeah XD I was more desperate to have friends so I guess crushes didn’t really happen.”

       “Oh lol. When was the last time?”

       “Last time??
       Hmmm
       Two years ago, I guess?”

       “Long time.”

       “Yeah.”

Flashforward to present time, when we were talking about Christelle and a John A being a ship… So he thought I was shipping them with the words that I said, and so I replied, “I won’t help anyone in their  ship until they are cannon boi XD”

       “What, wasn’t it cannon?”

       “I have no idea what they feel about each other so I have no reason to push them subtly XD”

       “True…. But…. What if the push was where the spark was the whole time?”

I didn’t want to be doing that at all. The thought of it just irked me. I wrote something really long explaining how I don’t want to get involved again if it’s probably gonna end like Edwin’s situation. I didn’t want to confess for them again or just whatever happened before, because it seems people are good at detecting if they are being shipped. But then I erased all that and just said,

       “Lol if you do that, they’d notice that I’m sure.
       And if they don’t feel anything towards each other, it’s gonna turn awkward.”

       “I like the fact that your status goes typing… to online like a billion times and the msg is just like this (“Lol if you do that, they’d notice that I’m sure. “) XDDD Show’s you’re very considerate
       (“And if they don’t feel anything towards…”) Wait, it can turn awkward??”

       “Do you even want me to elaborate Edwin and Christelle cuz that ship had a bit of an awkward time and I was in the middle of all that shipping them XD”

       “Yes. I love the awkward moments. Makes me kilig.”

I rolled my eyes at the last sentence. “Bahahaha. Anyway what do you wanna know?”

       “Everything.
       All the things.
       How did someone like you ship people like them.
       I wanna know how smooth Edwin was
       How often did both of them like, just talk
       Like what did they talk about
       How did they talk about it XDDDD”

       “Idk it started at the taxi rides I think. They always argued like a married couple.”

       “BWDJDIFIEIFIEIFIF AND  I DIDN’T SEE IT?!?!?!?
       THOSE ARE THE CUTEST KIND
       Nvm the Adi Stella (John A, Christelle) died
       Edwin Stella lives
       TEELL ME MOOOAAAR”

I told him about how they argued, how one wants to help the other but gets rejected. How the argued about taxi fares. I even told him how I always laughed when they argued and how Edwin exploded at me on that one taxi ride to stop shipping them.

       “I always laugh when they argue and I always imagined they’d be a funny couple. I guess Edwin saw that on my face since one time when only the two of us rode together, he told me to stop shipping them even tho I haven’t exactly said that I did XD. He was like all worked up and told me to back off cuz she liked someone else and I’m like lol why are you talking about this what did I do?”

       Homagah how do you and Edwin see that without seeing that?
       HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
       Edwin must be really smart then and attentive.
       I do not agree tho….. About backing off because she likes someone else
       Like duuuuuuuuuude you can “steal” her-ish kinda
       That’s the term I use for the kinda situation where you like someone and somehow they end up liking you later even if they liked someone b4
       #Paasa”

       “IKR XD.
       I didn’t even know or suspect that he liked her. I just thought they looked like a married couple. But from the moment he blew up at me, I kind of had a hunch that he likes her after all, otherwise he wouldn’t have brought it up XDDD”

       “WHAAAAAAAT
       Lol him and me are very alike
       Assuming a lot of times.”

I then told him how I always catch Edwin doing sweet stuff for her but she doesn’t really see it. I told him about the time when she rejected food from him, but I convinced her enough to at least get something from him cuz I saw he was just being nice. I also told him that Edwin wasn’t exactly the flirting type. He was more of a gentleman and it just drove me mad that Christelle didn’t see that.

I also told him that Edwin thought she likes John A, that’s why he said she liked someone else. Gabe proceeds to freak out and says Edwin sees the vibe and that he sees it too. I just said I don’t or maybe I just don’t want to see it. Then he describes what goes on between John A and Christelle and was basically shipping them. But after my story he says Edwin and Christelle seems more adorable. He said Kdrama is closer to them than it is with the John A ship…

Then I also told him that Edwin made me confess to Christelle about his feelings.

       “When Edwin left, he told ME I should tell her his feelings.
       That just shocked me XD
       Like why me, why don’t you tell him yourself.”

       “I kinda get why he doesn’t wanna do it I think?
       I can picture it.
       I’m no photographer, but I can picture them together.
       Like easier said than done.
       You don’t want her opinion of you to change negatively.
       And since he assumed she and John had something, be it unknown, probably got scared.”

       “I really felt like I was in a teenage drama when those days happened XD”

       “HAHAHAHAHAHHA
       Lucky u
       Tell me you packed popcorn once.”

       “Even after the confession, they chatted and often came to me to ask what he should say hahahha.”

       “I don’t wanna assume but my brain already says ‘YEP HE WANTS HER TO HAVE A GOOD IMAGE OF HIMMMMMM’”

       “Yeah exactly that.”

       And I think this is the moment when he realizes he missed some of the things I’ve said. “WAIT YOU TOLD HER?????????”

       “Yeah, I stressed out for a whole day thinking what I should say so in a way it’s like I confessed to her hahahahaha XD

       “HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA”

      (“I don’t wanna assume but my brain….”) They actually didn’t want their friendship to turn awkward and they talked it out I think.”

       “THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT is good.
       Because you said they
       That is good.

       (“Even after the confession, they chatted and…”) See I’ve been there recently except for the part where he had someone who could tell him what to say.”

       “Lol really XD”

       “Yes
       Wait did I not tell you I liked Sarah?”

       “Everyone knew that right lol”

       “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
       NO WAY
       AM I OBLIVIOUS TO EVERYONE”

       “Or was it just me and Christelle who knew… idk XD”

       “Oh whew”

       “Wait so who do you even like rn? I’m confused XD”

       “I like Christelle ._.
       I liked Sarah
       I told her
       We talked but apparently I was annoying ._.
       So I died inside ._.”

       “Oh ok you confessed to her?”

       “Yes I did.”

       “She said you were annoying??” I may sound surprised but I wasn’t tbh. It’s easy to understand that he became annoying to a girl like Sarah XD.

       “Ok like, cuz I messaged her often. And THAT was annoying.”

       “Ahhhh Oh no XD”

       “Anywhooooo the point is when I’m not close to someone and I don’t think I’ll ever be like a friend because I feel like this person can’t be disturbed from her environment, I have to tell this person that I like her.”

Then he proceeds to tell me that Chinaza, the new shy band mate, who is actually his friend, knows that he likes Sarah.

       “Hahaha good for her, at least she won’t bother her on your real crush.”

       “HAHAHAHAHAHA
       But I told her I like Christelle
       Well Okay okay for a time I stopped liking Christelle then I liked her again
       *keysmash*”

       “Feelings are weird XD The nature of feelings are wild and sometimes unpredictable.”

       “Yes…
       Especially when you’re 12 and still like someone till you’re 15
       Or I was 10
       Longest crush everrr”

       “U had a crush on someone for 5 years?? Wow”

       “I thot
       All Filipinos go through that moment
       Because we ‘soft’”

       “Lol whaatt really?”

       “Idk
       Bc we ‘soft’ and we have a type of love that lasts forever-ish
       Not forever but like”

       “Is that true? Cuz I also had a crush that long at that age XDDDD”

       “WHAT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
       Probably true idk
       Like Filipinos like ppl for a good amount of time and get attached and boom #KATHNIEL”

       “Lol I don’t even follow Filipino ships XDD”

       After a short convo about Filipino films, it goes back again,

       “WAAAAIT
       Did you confess and stay bffs till this very day?” he asks while referring to my 5 year crush. At this point I was like, wow why did I tell him that? Why am I like this? Why do I want to tell him that?

       “Lol no. But we are still friends. And it wasn’t exactly a crush but more like a friend crush.
       Like I really wanted to be close friends with this person XD,” I try to say casually.

       “Oh
       Araso”

       “The feeling was really close to a crush because I thought about that person all the time like a real crush. It was a weird time of my life XD” Indeed it was. I wondered how long I can keep referring to her as “that person.” I didn’t want to lie and refer to a  guy because it wasn’t. I couldn’t lie to him.

       “Wait
       Er
       I thought that was a crush
       Think abt her all the time
       Like
       Um
       Crave to be around her
       And to talk to her often
       And wanna make her happy”

Yes, I did like her that way, boy. “Exactly that feeling.”

       “Like I thot ‘this must be love if I’ve had this forever and feel this stroooong’
       But I kept telling myself it was a crush”

       “Hahaha yeah but in my case I couldn’t think like that and I couldn’t confess whatever I felt cuz what I felt just seemed wrong so eh”

       “Seemed wrong… That’s where we differ.
       Owwwwww”

       “Mine is a serious problem and I’m glad I dealt with it tbh”

At this point, it was already late and he needed to go to sleep. So he asked me what time I wake up and we should continue the conversation the next day. So I got ready to sleep, too. I felt like I wasn’t in my right mind as I talked about it, but at the same time, it felt almost liberating to have a friend know about that part of my life. So I prayed about it to God and asked if I could say it, because after all, I’ve seen the end of the story, and it was a huge story that glorified Him.

So the next morning, at 6 AM, he asks, “HOW DO U DEAL WID SMTH LIKE THAT”

       “What I did was something called: praying,” I said at about 2 hours later when I actually wake up.

       “Ohhhhhh
       Ok but what did you do after praying
       What was your conclusion
       You’ve asked for a solution, assistance, guidance
       Then what did you do after you got that?

       “Well… Okay. So like I’m not close with that person but we were friends so I just wanted at least moments when only the two of us were together. I really loved that person but I couldn’t let that develop into so much more. So I prayed a lot to God to help me get over and at least give me a closure and let me be friends properly and so one Illuminate, I spent time with that person like the two of us were a pair in the event and I got closure and somehow from that point on my feelings were gone. But we’re still friends so I’m happy that I dealt it with God.
       Omg that’s long XD”

       “What is closure
       Feelings were gone. GG. Good game. That’s it. It happened. End of story XDDD interesting.”

       “Like all I ever wanted was to spend time with that person, only just the two of us, and God finally gave me that. And so I eventually stopped because I felt like I got what I so badly wanted and desired… idk it’s something like that I can’t explain how I stopped having a crush. It just happened. I moved on, I guess.”

       “Moved on once you got what you wanted
       Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm”

       “Which is a big relief cuz I had that crush seriously for 5 years.”

       “Hahaha
       Hurrah now you’re free
       Wait are u free?”

       “(‘Moved on once you got what you wanted’) I felt like it was enough. Because what I wanted, more than that, felt wrong”

       “I see”

       “Free? I guess XD”

       “Free like you don’t have a crush on anyone currentlyyy
       Aside
       Koreans”

       “Lol XD yeah.
       But I don’t have a crush on any Koreans XD
       Just admire XD”

       “Ohhhhhhh
       Must be nice being free
       Waaaait wait wait wait wait were you an awesome musician while you had the crush?”

       “Hm  well I wasn’t awesome then XD
       I was more like an awkward out of place girl than anything cuz I wasn’t girly XD”

       “Aww
       You’re girly now?”

       “Kinda? Not completely but Girls’ Generation made me girly XDDD”

       “Lol
       But you don’t use makeup”

       “No haha just aloe for moisture and Vaseline lip balm XD Is that make up? Probably not XD”

       “How is that girly XDDDD Make up is foundation and everything above it”

       “Look I’m gonna wear a cute headband one of this days XD that’s pretty girly I think XD”

       “With cat ears? XDDDDDDDDD With cat ears and paw gloves”

       “No but it’s pink with a ribbon XDD”

       “Oh okie”

Then I got to some serious thinking… I couldn’t just let this conversation die down with him leaving with the thought that I had a crush on a boy. It just didn’t seem right at all. I wanted to say everything. I wanted to be honest. I wanted him to know. So I carefully wrote…

      (‘Hurrah now you’re free’) Tbh this statement is even better because… Ok now don’t be too shocked or view me differently. I haven’t told this to anyone but I feel like it’s good for you to understand since I already said so much. I was talking about a girl. That’s why I’m happy I’m free, cuz it messed me up. But I talked endlessly with God about it and He helped me go through it. In this time and age, without God, I would have already swerved off greatly from the right. That’s why I said what I said on the Wildfire group cuz I know people don’t chose to do wrong. We are naturally in rebellion against God and we have to control that. And I’m just so happy my love for God was able to conquer it.”

The bit about the thing I said in the Wildfire group was when they were discussing something serious for once and it was about LGBT. I wouldn’t have spoken up if they said the right things, but most of their answers that time were so narrowly at the Christian perspective that they sounded quite ignorant of the truths. I remember most of them just didn’t get why they would chose to do what they do. One of them said that it was proven as a mental disease. One of them couldn’t even say LGBT right. So I felt it was kind of invalid for them to be proving their points without properly knowing what the heart of the problem actually was. It just frustrated me that they kind of saw it and discussed it in such a poor way. As someone who knows how it feels and discussed it a lot with God, I spoke up and this is what I said: Our physical nature is to act against God whether we mean it or not because we inherited it from the first ever humans. Not all sins are choices but rather it just flows out of us so naturally that we are incapable of controlling it unless we truly have a change of heart. And we need Christ’s heart. We basically need to have a heart transplant so that we can take off the world’s last name on our forehead.

Anyway, back to my conversation with Gabe…

       “1) How can I view you differently when we talking about old you and now current u
       2) U USED TO LIKE A GIRL FOR 5 YEARS????????
       Very shocking
       Doesn’t change my opinion of u
       Just
       Shocking
       XDDDDDDDDDDDD”

       “I know, I know… But like the point is God gave me what I wanted which is the weird part, and because he did that, I got over her XD”

       “Niceeeeeeeeee
       That’s a good ending”

       “Ikr and I’m so thankful that I trusted God to help me go through instead of today’s mentality of ‘accepting who you are’”

       “HAHAHAHAHA
       Today’s mentality”

After that, the conversation rapidly shifts into something else. We talked about things entirely far away from crushes. I’m just glad that he didn’t view me any differently. I believed I proved my point well, that I was able to conquer it with God. That’s all I wanted to say. So I’m happy. And since I’ve revealed that part of myself to him, I feel less constricted about that secret. It’s become less of a burden. And I guess it was somewhat easy to tell him honestly because he doesn’t know who that girl was compared to most of my friends. So I’m never gonna say that to anyone else again unless they really need that testimony of conquering that problem.

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New Changes

Last Wednesday was the gathering for the band before the school year starts. It kind of feels weird to be talking about this again after being away for 3 months.  So many things have happened this summer that I couldn’t write about (as I always do every vacation trip). It would be nice if I remembered all the exact thoughts I had during the vacation because I felt like I’ve learned a lot and have changed a bit from that time. But anyway, I’m back to where I was before—the band.

It’s not exciting when I thought about it at first, to be honest. When the band arranged to finally meet, I wasn’t exactly thrilled. I’ve been imagining what it would be like to come back to the band and all sorts of scenarios played out, but rather than be excited, I was anxious. I’ve not had any human contact other than my parents for almost the whole month of October. My reality for the past few weeks have been school, exercise, and coming up with things to draw and I got so used to it that when socializing and playing music with others was mentioned, my stomach just froze. I was just nervous for unknown reasons. I didn’t want to go but I know I’ll regret it if I don’t go. That sort of dilemma drove me mad. I think not knowing what to expect kind of had something to do with that. It’s a new year and I totally feel like I’m a new person from who I once was in the band before, so I was just in a lowkey state of panic. And just before I left the house, I put songs in my iPod and the moment I disconnected it from the computer, instead of having the newly downloaded songs to listen to, the iPod reset itself and deleted everything so I was just not in the best mood at all.

But as I got off that taxi car, there was Jonathan at the front gate getting his drum set and he greeted me with his usual enthusiastic tone.  At that moment, I felt excited. Of course I loved that he was there since I play with him best, but something about his familiar voice just made me feel at ease. And when I got the youth room, Prasanna, Sebastian, and Christelle were already there. Before I could even grasp the situation, Christelle had called out my name and ran to me with open arms. She hugged me and I just felt so happy.

Around the three months of summer, I had crazy affection for them. Since my family went to the Philippines, I felt like I was separated from my family, even though technically, I was there to see my family—biological extended family, that is. And although it’s good to have met my cousins, uncles, aunts, and especially my sister again, during that time, I just missed my church family so much. Maybe because for the last months of Wildfire last school year, I’ve grown so close to them that I just felt like they were so much more to me than my actual (extended) family.

Whenever I listened to my recordings of the band, I would always hear Christelle calling my name. I think that is by far one of my favorite things to hear. Just her calling my name in all sorts of tones—listening to them felt unreal. So when I heard it again yesterday, I felt like I was dreaming. I was seeing her again. I was hearing her voice again.

Another thing that felt unreal was that I immediately noticed a somewhat subtle change in the three of them (Prasanna, Sebastian, and Christelle). Jonathan, who always wore some kind of dark hoodie and with those spiky earrings, didn’t really change much. He was still his old, laid back, teasing self. Since he was the first person that I saw, I thought things have come back to the way it used to be. But the three looked older somehow. Their features seemed to be more mature than from what I remember them to look like. Christelle has gotten prettier—her feminine figure and beauty becoming even more refined than before. The used to be 13 year old (now 14) Sebastian looks like a 16 year old already, and his voice seemed to sound deeper, too. And the biggest improvement of all that I’ve noticed was Prasanna. Honestly, I noticed even before seeing him that he has changed a lot since for the past three months since he was part of the spamming noise in the Wildfire chatroom. But after seeing him, his scrawny self didn’t seem to be present anymore. He seemed to be finally getting some masculine mass in his body. However, he is still crumped up when he plays guitar so that’s something that hasn’t really changed for him. The main thing that struck me is although I’m still meeting the same people, I can’t help but notice the slight change in the air. It’s really a new chapter—actually, the start of the final chapters if you will. I could almost feel the fireworks and the sadness that follows after it—as predicted from my prophetic 2017 New Year’s Eve summary. Time is flowing by so fast.

There was no doubt a big change right on the very first day. Jonathan brought his drumset—something we never had for the new-ish youth room. There were two new members, Chinaza, a really shy and quiet Nigerian girl, and Alben, a guitarist from India. I don’t really have that much info on them yet because another thing that was so new was that Jordan, our leader, brought guests. FCC people. Counterflow singers. The moment they (about 7 of them) came in the room, I think I pretty much froze because they were the people I least expected to come. I thought I won’t be seeing a group of Filipinos again for a long time after coming back here, but I guess not. Anyway, it’s nothing negative. It was nice to have them there talk about what worship was to them. I think their testimonies were good and very much needed for the coming New Year to encourage everyone do well in their areas.

And so after the testimonies, we jammed to about three or four songs. Everything seemed good so far. I had no problems with everyone yet—probably because Jonathan and I pretty much carried the whole band. There were about six guitarists, 7 or 8 singers, a keyboardist, then the two of us (who were the loudest). All was good. All was fun. I don’t know if Counterflow singers are just guests or they’re actually gonna join us the whole year, but even with that many guitarists, I don’t how we’ll manage to have that much people on the actual day Wildfire starts. Oh well, at least I have a steady position on the band by being the bassist.

When everything was finished and we were finally unpacking, Christelle came up to me and told me we’re going to be riding the taxi together. Even though we were doing that just 3 months ago, I was filled with so much nostalgia as if it happened so long ago. I was just so happy that I didn’t have to ask.  She already knew I would ride with her. That just warmed my heart.

We rode home with Gabriel, but when he got off his stop, Christelle and I started talking about things. She asked me about what I did during the summer and I said we went snorkeling. I also said that I had my period at that time, and from that point we just started talking about different kinds of period tools. I didn’t even know why she started elaborating on that. I felt awkward the whole time we talked about it, especially when she was explaining how the European’s cup tool worked. I mean it was okay if we talked about it privately, but the taxi driver was right there and he probably hears everything we say. Anyway, as I used to think before, when girls start talking about periods so openly as if it’s nothing, that means you’re pretty comfortable with each other. Anyway, as that topic died down, I gave her the bracelet that I bought on Cebu for her. She was happy to have received something from me and really liked it since she liked bracelets. I knew she’d like that so I’m pretty happy myself that I got her the right gift. Then we started talking about the band and all that. From what I remember, she was talking about how her brother doesn’t understand how John was able to look up to him as an inspiration because they weren’t really close. Because to her, everyone would understand that if she said I was an inspiration to her, they would understand because we were actually close. When she was saying those words, I felt really… I don’t know, touched, I guess? Because she was basically saying right in front of me that she looked up to me and we were close friends. Even now, I still can’t believe I’d be at this point to hear this from someone. God is great.

I don’t know how the conversation exactly went, and I’m probably wrong with the sequence of this already because I can’t remember it well. But anyway, I was talking about how I’m going to try to teach everything I knew to everyone because I’m gonna go away next year, and when I said that, she was making that paralyzed face again—the same face she made when I confessed Edwin’s love for her. My voice had gotten really low when I said that because I realized that the reality was coming sooner than ever. I can tell she was saddened by that thought, too. She didn’t want to discuss the goodbyes yet, but she then babbled on anyway about what was gonna happen when I go away. She said who’s going to play with her and know the right feeling of every song that goes well with her? Who’s gonna fill in my place—the place that filled almost every area of the band? I just told her to pray about it because I honestly don’t have the answers to that. My only goal is to pass on what I’ve learned. And with that in mind she told me, “What if I learn from you? What if you teach me?” I don’t know if she was just saying that or she was actually encouraged because of the testimonies of the Counterflow leader, but either way, I thought it was a pretty good idea. I won’t be harsh to her as with everyone else and it will be easier for me to explain things to her. The things I learned from PD 101 will probably come to light with her. I can be the Sejeong to her Sohye.

However, pessimistic me thinks she won’t actually go through with that even though I badly want to do it… If we go through with it, we’ll be able to spend more time together and we’ll be even closer than before. And if she is able to play instruments and sing and teach future band members because of me, then I’ll know my work for the Lord wasn’t futile. But my fears just get the best of me sometimes. I guess we’ll just have to see if that actually happens. And if that was supposed to happen, I should teach her before December because apparently our family is moving house and I don’t know how long I can keep riding home with her. I don’t know how far I’ll be from her. I don’t know how many days we can even be together. But I want to maximize everything this year. Wherever she goes, I will go.

♫ 1708

Top 10 favorite songs of the month

Crush – I.O.I
전야 前夜 The Eve – EXO
All Night – Girls’ Generation (소녀시대)
Black Widow – PRISTIN
너무너무너무 (Very Very Very) – I.O.I
음 어쩌면– I.O.I
PING PONG – I.O.I
Fingertips – Pinkrush (I.O.I)
Love U – Jessica (제시카)
걸음걸이 (Feat. Year of the OX) – JESSI

Top Albums of the month
Image result for the war exo Image result for holiday night album cover

The War – EXO
Holiday Night – Girls’ Generation (소녀시대)

Top artists of the month
Girls’ Generation (소녀시대)
I.O.I
EXO
PRISTIN

Top 5 favorite lyrics of the month
Only One – Girls’ Generation (소녀시대)
오랜 소원 (It`s You) – Girls’ Generation (소녀시대)
Light Up the Sky – Girls’ Generation (소녀시대)
Starry Night – Jessica (제시카)
Dream Girls – I.O.I

Top  10 beats
I.O.I (Intro) – I.O.I
Sweet Talk – Girls’ Generation (소녀시대)
음 어쩌면– I.O.I
I`m Not Sorry (Feat. Eric Bellinger) – DEAN
PING PONG – I.O.I
Fingertips – Pinkrush (I.O.I)
Yum-Yum (얌얌) – 마카롱 꿀떡(I.O.I)
Forever – EXO
Don`t Matter – 화려강산(I.O.I)
WE ARE PRISTIN – PRISTIN

Top songs of the month that made me happy
Holiday – Girls’ Generation (소녀시대)
너무너무너무 (Very Very Very) – I.O.I
Be The Star – PRISTIN
Wee Woo – PRISTIN
We Like – PRISTIN

Top songs of the month that made me feel
One Last Time – Girls’ Generation (소녀시대)
Love U – Jessica (제시카)
Over N Over – PRISTIN

 

Summer Storm

This isn’t how I expected to update about SNSD this year, but yeah, this 10th year that was supposed to be full of celebration has started an era of utter chaos. First of all, I was so hyped and excited about this comeback (obviously). I mean come on, everyone was. Finally, after two years, SNSD will be together again as one piece.  It was the grand decade celebration—and the first GG to reach it, too. When I was in the Philippines, I usually slept around 10 PM, I’d stay up another hour just to see the SNSD teasers. I even watched their Vlives. I loved the songs on their album and listened to each of them well. I was overjoyed seeing them again in these outfits, too. Everything was too good to be true.

I’ve watched Running Man, Knowing Brothers, and Happy Together, too. They were all fun.

Then some minor problems rose with juniors kind of disrespecting them. Basically on their first show for their comeback, no one greeted them, congratulated them for the 10th anniversary, or gave an album to them but EXO. Hyoyeon posted a thank you post for that saying they were the only ones. She didn’t mention any groups not greeting them, but everyone flipped. Everyone suddenly got crazy ‘cause all the juniors that were there on the show was not very respectful to not greet them. No wonder many new Kpop fans are wild, disrespectful, and obnoxious. I don’t even remember any SONEs being salty and boasting about SNSD being greater than BoA or other older groups and artists, but groups and their fans nowadays apparently just have little to no respect for those who paved their way for them. There were even clips surfacing that even though SNSD during the boys era, during the peak of their careers being international stars, took the time to sign CDs and greet their seniors. But somehow popular groups these days can’t do that? If I was an idol at that place, I’d definitely urge my members to greet SNSD cuz duh, Into The New World is the official song on the gg starter pack and they literally made a Girls’ Generation. (And also, I’d die to see all 8 of them and talk to them lol) Anyway, after that incident, at the next show they went to, Weki Meki (whatever the heck that group is… I only know Yoojung and DoYeon are there) and G-Friend greeted them and SNSD were very welcoming of them. It’s funny, though because G-friend even brought a cake. I guess they realized their Korean mistake and decided to compensate with cake lol. I’m sure SNSD appreciates that a lot. Those women like to eat hahaha. And besides, do they really look intimidating? I guess so… but if you make the effort to warm up to them, they will, too. I mean just look at Red Velvet. Look at Yeri’s smug ass face. She know she’s winning jackpot. She knows she’s better than anyone at the Unnie snatcher game. She knows she’s the best Rookie rookie.

Anyway, the official chaos finally started when a news popped up that the promotion period was cut short. They performed for only three shows and it was finished in less than a week. The teaser period was longer than the promotion period, how awful. After that, everything just started going downhill. They were cut from MBC’s concert even though they hyped it on their twitter. That angered a lot of SONEs. By that time, fans were starting to speculate that there was some conspiracy to bring down SNSD, but MBC said it was SM that told them to cut SNSD out, which now directs the madness to SM.

Then crazy info started coming in: some insiders claimed SM were not making any more physical copies of the album (any of the two versions). Wait, actually before that, people posted photos of misspelled names on the album production like “SOOYUNG” and worse, “TIFFNY”, oh and also an additional that was on a promotional truck, “TAEYOEN.” To be honest, I had the urge in buying the album but tried not to get way too ahead of myself again. Good thing I controlled myself because the production seemed chaotic itself, but what about those that ordered but has not gotten their share yet? Will they ever get it? Did they really stop the album production? Was it because of those shitty names typos?

The next to happen were the articles about renewing contracts. I did not get to read the articles myself ‘cause they were in Korean so I trusted translators and they said the articles claimed “Some resigned but others were in discussion.” So again, fans start going crazy asking around, losing their temper at SM, and other uncontrollable feelings. It seems that the situation was getting worse that Mr. Oniontaker, the claimed “insider” of SM who everyone always argues with, started talking about what he knows. He wrote a long post about what he knew so far about was happening and basically, what I got from it was this:

Most SM artist discuss contracts and re-sign during January, but some SNSD members have not re-signed yet. SM and some SNSD members cannot come to an agreement about their individual contracts yet, which is why they are getting bullied like this. For 8 months, SM and SNSD have been fighting, and SM, being impatient, does media play and announces that they are discussing contracts. It’s a move to stir the fans to pressure the other members who have not re-signed yet to quickly come to the terms SM wants rather than what they want individually. So basically, they’re subtly trying to turn SONES against SNSD’s desires. We’re just mere pawns on this chess game, trying to make us move where they can checkmate SNSD. Since Mr. Onion’s post went out, many SONEs were encouraged to be the better person now that they have seen the politics going on in this shitty entertainment business. And after about one or two days, SM releases another anonymous article—Tiffany re-signed but others are in discussion, and something about her pursuing acting in America. Again, another media play, and this time, they used Tiffany for a change. It’s to stir the crowd again to pressure the other members who have not re-signed, but since the SONEs saw through it all, they stand strong. And they also announced her studies of acting so that SONEs would stop her continuing just to stay for SNSD (or from having an income that won’t be shared with SM: working in the American film industry.)

It’s crazy though finding out that Tiffany was learning acting in America all with her own money. I’ve been waiting for her to be an a drama ever since I saw her act in Horror Movie Factory. Although she was not the best, I could see she had strong potential to be great at it. (And honestly, I need emo Fany content for my fanfics ya know? It’s not easy to find her not smiling…) Although they have revealed that now, how is she not in any films yet? She even passed an audition and got the role, but obviously it did not happen. It was all SM again preventing her from doing these things. Everyone knows because it all sounds familiar now. Remember Jessica’s situation?

To be honest, I feel like SM is putting a knife near everyone’s throats while whispering in their ear, “SNSD or yourself? Choose.” I was just thinking maybe Jessica, who was last to re-sign, replied with, “Okay, SNSD, but what are you gonna do about my new fashion line? You can’t just throw that away, everyone knows I have that now.”

       Then the SNSD members who are all tied up hostage but also asked the same question before all starts screaming to Jessica, “Chose SNSD. Please. We love you but please chose SNSD, like all of us. We have dreams, too, but we all sacrificed to be together.”

      “I love you all, too, but I already started. I can’t just cancel all my plans for that! You guys are my dream, but can’t I have other dreams, too? I’m sure I can do both dreams at once.”

       “But the thing is, your dream does not give us money,” Thus, knowing she would not cooperate, SM slit her in the throat without warning, or in the worse reality, kicked her out of her home (SNSD). And out of all that confusion and angst, Jessica made that post out of grief but SNSD kept quiet cuz they are SM’s hostages but among that chaos TY somehow takes the blame for some reason just cuz she says sorry all the damn time? Anyway ehem, before I get more confused and emo let’s move on….

Now, while all of that media shenanigans is happening, HyoTae comes to Indonesia for a concert. The first to come was Hyoyeon, and all was calm when she arrived at their airport. No one was really shoving around to get to see her or anything. Maybe because she was really pretty and intimidating at the same time even with the pink hair, people don’t want to get that close. But it’s probably because Hyoyeon has a good proportion of fans. Not too many. Not too few. Just right. That’s good. All was cool. I just wondered why she didn’t go with TaeYeon. It could’ve been better if they went together. HyoTae after all is the new leading ship of SNSD. Man, not in a million years would I have guessed they’d be a big thing but I ship them so much now XD. But anyway, TaeYeon follows a day later I think, which is today. And man…. MAN. Okay. Wait let me just breathe for a moment…

Okay, so, TaeYeon arrives at the airport and stands there at the front for her airport fashion to be taken as usual. Photos come in quickly in twitter and she is gorgeously hot and pretty and cute all at the same time trying to pose like a model. It gets even cuter when her bag’s strap snapped and she tries to laugh it off… but that’s when everything seems to snap, too. When she entered the airport, she was followed by an obnoxious crowd of fans getting all up in her face to take a picture of her. Even news outlets with big fat cameras were all up in her face to the point that it hit her head. She was keeping her cool for some time but when that happened, her face turned a little sour. I mean come on, who wouldn’t get annoyed by that. Photos and vids of that time started showing up on twitter and obviously, fans who are far from that situation are annoyed and angry that people were too close to the woman who has fear of crowds and cameras. They are also getting angry at SM again since TaeYeon only had one manager and no body guard. The manager that was there wasn’t even protecting her as much as ShoSho Unnie or Lion Heart manager usually does as if she was his child. Maybe that manager couldn’t protect her since he was just about the same size as her. Even if he was by her side, being the only manager would not be able to protect her from all those following. Still, tho… Manager Hwang could’ve done a better job cuz Tiffany actually has the guts to shove away cameras. TaeYeon really needs strong and aggressive people around to protect her cuz she is just way too gentle. Man, where was that hot handsome body guard that TY was checking out and everyone was freaking about a few months ago?

But even with guards, it seems it was useless. When she arrived at Indonesia, she was flooded with people from all directions. Just looking from a video clip, it looked suffocating to even be there. The giant soldiers escorting her couldn’t even push everyone just to give her space because it was just that bad. Everyone was shoving themselves just to see TaeYeon or touch her as if she was Jesus who can heal with her garments. And I just thought of another image right now… the fans were like zombies out to get that one girl with the fine skin. The buff guys are having a hard time to deal. The situation was just so crazy that TaeYeon literally had a breakdown. She fell while she was shaking and crying cuz her body could not take the the claustrophobic atmosphere from all the drowning skin contact—touching and grabbing (on her butt and chest and everywhere else, just as she said). Before she could even process anything at that moment, one of the soldiers just picked her up like some rice sack—like literally carrying her in a really bad way. I honestly couldn’t imagine this happening at first, but when a photo came out, it was scarring that I couldn’t even look for five seconds. It’s like Minho carrying mannequin Yoona but more aggressively and without notice. I know they were just trying to take her out because she might have been crushed by hundreds of bodies, but even so it was not okay. She was already overwhelmed with the harassment situation, and the body guard just made it more traumatizing for her already unstable state. You gotta do what you gotta do so what that guy did was still understandable and forgivable…

I had honestly kept my cool on the first situation on Incheon airport. Then Just a few hours after that, some site misinterpreted TaeYeon’s comment to Ariana Grande’s post on IG and SONEs basically went mad about that, but I kept my cool for that too because it’s just a dumb and irrelevant media play that will pass. I couldn’t care any less for that since TaeYeon was in a worse situation, but still, it was all happening in one day so it an was annoying addition. I had also kept my temper in control for the crowding in Indonesia, but I just lost it until I saw that photo of her being carried. Just imagining the reality of being on her shoes felt insane. It finally made me explode on twitter when I saw how badly the situation was. But just a few minutes after I had completely lost my temper, TaeYeon posts on IG about the situation.

How can she be so selfless? To me, it’s the craziest thing out of this situation. If I was in her place on Incheon airport, I would have probably told everyone to back off, but she just winced on that situation without saying a word and managed to keep waving with a smile in the end and looking out for everyone even though they were all on her face.

And then arriving at Indonesia, she was basically harassed by everyone there, intentionally or not. There was absolutely no respect for her space. Everyone was just being greedy. Everyone was being really selfish. And still, out of that situation, she somehow comes out to say that she’s sorry? For what, though? None of it was her fault. She was saying sorry for not showing her best appearance today, but that’s not her fault. She wasn’t able to show her best appearance because everyone else invaded her space. I don’t even know how they came so close because if I saw my crush or someone totally great I wouldn’t even come close! Even if the fans waited on the airport, what pain is that compared to being suffocated and harassed by your own fans? And yes, people may have been injured and pushed and all that, but what if she was injured, too? Would that be her fault, too? Will she still be sorry by then? How is she so selfless? Just how is she so caring for the crowd that went out of control to the extent that it was actually traumatizing her? How is she refusing to recognize everyone’s selfishness? I’m just so shocked by this. I’m just really speechless right now.

I used to always think that she was a rebel. I used to always think that we were so much alike in the way we think. I used to think she would scoff at people who are just not good. But I was wrong. There’s something I totally missed. There’s something I paid less attention to and I’m ashamed of that. She was that girl who cried when the staffs were sitting on the floor during lunch while SNSD ate with a table. She was that girl who cried because international fans said that they would stay up late just to stream SNSD. She was that girl who apologized for dating a boy because it hurt everyone else’s feelings. She was that girl who cried bitterly at a fansign and said sorry when asked about Jessica’s departure for the first time and got all the blame just by being SNSD’s leader. She was that girl that apologized to a fanart account for unfollowing her (during her massive unfollowing spree), and left a comment saying she still likes her art. She was that girl that replied to a mumbling anti on IG formally pleading not to say bad things on her photos as to not upset her happy fans, not her.

She is just way too selfless—too selfless that she won’t even make an effort to protect herself. She cares way too much about others but herself. She takes all the blows just so that no one else would. I guess I really was right about how I described her before about her being a leader at the back of the line. She sees everything in front of her and protects everyone from behind, but she’s getting all the hits at the back. Sometimes SONEs are there behind her to protect her, waging war in media, but sometimes that’s not what she wants. It’s clear now that she’s too pure to make wars—especially stirring one in her own fandom. She’d rather receive all blows than see war play out among her loved ones. She would also rather give SONE’s give the benefit of the doubt than accept that everyone was clearly at a large fault.

To me, knowing she’s like that is kind of painful. Although it’s great of her to be so forgiving, she’s brushing off the fact that she got badly scarred again and it’s not fine. It worries me. It worries us SONEs. Can’t she protect herself a bit? Can’t she think about herself for a bit? As Heechul also said before, it hurts me when she’s trying to be strong. It hurts me knowing she won’t fight for herself. It hurts me that she loves a fandom so damn much that she won’t ever allow herself to see their serious issues. She was basically sexually assaulted by everyone there for goodness sakes, but still, she does not believe any of it was intentional. Man, I just don’t fully understand how much tolerance she has, how much she can forgive those situations, or how she manages to worry about things she shouldn’t be worrying about. It’s astonishing to see she has this kind of attitude while being a top star in Korea. She’s too humble for her own good sometimes… I don’t know how she manages to stay the same for 10 years. All I know is when she posted up that message, a bubble popped in my head.

While I was ranting on twitter, I almost wrote something along the lines of “If TaeYeon forgave them, so shall I. You all should learn from her.” And before I hit send, something just hit me. I erased that last sentence at changed it to “A lot to learn from this character.” Why? Because the previous one made me think of one thing:

Jesus.

“If Jesus forgave them, so shall I. You all should learn from Him.” My mind had totally converted what I was about to speak out.

After my mind went blank at TaeYeon’s post, I was just so speechless that she was able to be so forgiving that I knew I had to learn a lot from her. But as I was about to write that down, I felt a little ashamed of myself. I felt embarrassed in the presence of God. Because seriously, it took TaeYeon and all of this chaos to make me want to have pure heart? Really? Not Jesus, whose story is with me all the time?

Anyway, this whole thing is a huge eye-opener for me.

I want to learn to be more forgiving and gentle. I want to learn to love those who do me wrong. I want to learn to trust people better. I want to be more respectful, too.

I guess God bringing SNSD to my life is really all his plan. There are many good things that can be learned from them and I thank God I was even allowed to look up to them as my role models. And I thank God for introducing them to me because I would not even be writing, I would not even be drawing, I would not even be playing bass well, I would not be a caring and overprotective friend, and I would not even want to be a girl if it wasn’t for them. I think I’d even be racist and judgmental of Kpop and any other music if they were not introduced to me. Liking Girls’ Generation made it all easy and possible for me to do the things I loved doing, and has shaped me to be more loving of those near me. They played a big role in my life, but I really thank God most of all. I’m glad that God introduced them in my life. And I’m glad it’s them and not anyone else.

As His child, it seems I really don’t lack anything at all. Everything I need is right here. Even when I’m in my room all day every day, he still provides people who inspire me and teach me great things about Him through them. His glory still enters my life even if I don’t go outside all the time. I guess I need to work harder for my fanfics now… I also want to share His glory without leaving my room lol

 

♫ 1705-06

Top 15 favorite songs of May and June

Deep Blue Eyes (Prod. By 진영) – Girls Next Door (옆소)
Attention – Charlie Puth
RING RING (Feat. 개코) – Sik-K(식케이)
위잉위잉 – Hyukoh (혁오)
와리가리 Comes and Goes – Hyukoh (혁오)
일주일 (247) (Feat. Zion.T, Crush, DEAN) – Junggigo (정기고)
Fantasy – Junggigo (정기고)
너란 봄 (Feat. 하림) – Jung Eunji (Apink-정은지)
애처럼 굴지마 (Feat. 기리보이) – SISTAR (씨스타)
SHAKE IT – SISTAR (씨스타)
Make It Mine – Jason Mraz
Broken Strings – James Morrison
처음 느껴본 이별 (Feat. 곽진언) – Jung Eunji (Apink-정은지)
Lucky ft. Colbie Caillat – Jason Mraz
Coyotes – Jason Mraz

Top 5 songs that made me happy
Deep Blue Eyes (Prod. By 진영) – Girls Next Door (옆소)
Let Me Love You (ft. 찬열 of EXO) – Junggigo (정기고)
SHAKE IT – SISTAR (씨스타)
너란 봄 (Feat. 하림) – Jung Eunji (Apink-정은지)
소녀의 소년– Jung Eunji (Apink-정은지)

Top song that made me sad
꽃길 (Prod. By 지코(ZICO) – Sejeong (구구단-세정)

Top song that made me feel
Lucky ft. Colbie Caillat – Jason Mraz

 

Forgotten

As my last day of Wildfire for this season came closer, I thought surely nothing bad will happen, right? I’d just cleanly say bye to my friends and jump on a plane headed to my birthplace without bad thoughts and we’re all good.

But nope. God decided there was one more thing he wanted to show me before I can end that chapter of my life.

On Thursday night, just before my last day for this season, I went on instagram without much thought. I usually watch random people’s instagram out of impulse rather than me being actually interested. So I was just letting them play without my attention fully on them. But then it played Christelle’s IG story and what I saw messed me up.

She was in an Ethiopian restaurant with almost all of the girls in Wildfire. Now, there are very few girls in that youth group. 3/4 of Wildfire consists of guys. Because of that, we girls are all quite familiar with each other. One already left for college, and two are about to. One of them, Nina Metsni, had been saying for the past few weeks that she wants to invite us to eat at an Ethiopian restaurant since she was going to leave for college. So yeah, we we’re all looking forward to it. I also told her to invite me because I’ll definitely be coming (because I’ve known her for so long and I did cherish her a lot as a friend).

But there I was that Thursday staring at my phone for a few seconds. All of the girls were in an Ethiopian restaurant, except Sarah (Pastor’s daughter). All of the girls were there, and I was just sitting in my room, speechless. I helplessly thought of so many things. I told Nina to invite me so many times and I was waiting for her to contact me. I thought maybe it’s just because my phone was on airplane mode that I couldn’t see any texts so I turned it off, but still, nothing. Not a message. Not a call. Not a heads up. So why wasn’t I invited? How could she forget me? Did I do something wrong to her? And how could she invite Keziah (the super shy girl who never talks) and not invite me? But I also thought, even if I wasn’t invited, how come no one at least contacted me to ask why I’m not there? I’m the least busy person in that group, I’m sure, and I always emphasize that to them. Caitlin kept saying she’ll miss me, but did she ever notice that I wasn’t there? What about Christelle? I’ve confessed to her how lonely I usually am but she didn’t care to contact me. So no matter how I think about it, it just doesn’t make any sense. I was hurt.

It mentally messed me up that I was forgotten again right at this very time of the year. Because I remember just last year around July, the band that I thought I was close with all hung out with each other, but I’m the only one not there. Basically, the feelings that I wrote about on “Who Knows Me” (minus the suicide part) resurfaced. The situation was so similar that I just felt so miserable. “Not again…” I kept repeating in my head until I just started crying. It was just so unbelievable to think history would repeat like this when I thought none of these kinds of problems would ever arise again.

I thought maybe God was punishing me for being so picky with my friends the day before. Because at Wednesday, Joslin was basically offering me and Gabriel a ride, but I just subtly rejected it. Ever since Edwin went away, the thought of being alone in the car with Joslin was just so awkward to me because I can’t ever understand that guy and he’s too quiet. I admit, I was subtly avoiding Prasanna intentionally ever since Edwin left. I know I shouldn’t have, but I just wanted save myself from the awkward silence. And that got me riding with the John brothers. And maaaaaan, let’s just say I should’ve ridden with Prasanna and Gabriel instead since John is just… John is John. What was supposed to be a 15 minute ride became 30.

So I guess I’ve already been a little miserable since that night and to get surprised by the Ethiopian dinner made me feel even worse. But then I thought, I shouldn’t bottle this all up to myself. I had to get it out somehow and so while I was crying on my seat, I directed those cries to God. All I remember was just saying a bunch of “Why” at God.

After my cries died down for a bit but with my heart still feeling bitter, I posted a snapchat with nothing but “Why.” I didn’t really think anyone would honestly care about that since nobody follows me that much on snapchat anyway. I felt it was just the only way I could rant. But about a few minutes or so later, Edwin sees it and asks what’s wrong.

Man, that guy…

Since he was caring enough to ask me, I couldn’t help but just want to tell him everything that upset me. So I sent him a whatsapp of the TToTT emoji and he asked me again. But then he said good night right after and that we should talk tomorrow so I didn’t have time to tell him anything. Even if I wasn’t able to vent to him at that time, just the fact that he responded made me feel slightly better. At least he cares.

So all night, up till the morning, I was creating scenarios in my head on how to confront the girls that went on that dinner. At this point their images are just so ruined to me because I feel like they just screwed me over. I was thinking of salty comebacks and dramatic scenes. Basically all of the things I imagined seemed like they could end the friendship and I just couldn’t think of any ways to reconcile with them. It felt impossible and I felt awful. I just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to cut ties with them this way, but my feelings were trampled. I just couldn’t think properly. It just depressed me so much. But since I prayed so much to God, I hoped He would not let my imaginations let loose. I prayed he wouldn’t end things like this. I prayed He would fix this situation for me in His own way.

And oh my God, He did.

When we got to church, I tried really hard to be cheerful in front of my parents, but every time I thought of meeting my friends a few hours later, my stomach would just crumple. As I said, everything just felt ruined to me. The image I had of my friends just fell apart. But then, the pastor’s sermon… was about reconciliation. It was about Joseph being reconciled by his brothers who totally screwed him over. And I… wow. I just. Okay, um, so I knew I had to listen closely. Basically, the point of that whole sermon was that there is reconciliation when you have God and after that my heart was just so ready for how my own situation will turn out.

And what do you know, right after the service ended, there was Jessica just a row behind me. She was supposed to attend the service at the main hall, but since she woke up late, she arrived late and thus attended the overflow room. Now that I think about it, it’s not at all a mistake for her to wake up that late even though she thought so. I feel like God did that on purpose—for me. Because the moment the service ended and Jessica and I met eyes, I couldn’t stay angry at her. She greeted me so warmly that I just didn’t have it in me to blow up at her any time soon.

When we finally got out of the overflow room together, I was able to gently ask if she had fun last night (at the dinner). She said yeah and asked me why I didn’t come. I was able to say that I just wasn’t invited and she was shocked that I wasn’t. Apparently she didn’t even know that I was not invited because it was just Nina who organized it all. Because I was basically left out, Jessica said that she will definitely talk about this with her and scold her for it. Those words started to make me feel better.

At Wildfire, Christelle and Caitlin pretty much said the same thing, that they had no idea who was coming or not and felt really bad that I wasn’t invited. Even Nardeen (our only female leader) who also went to the dinner, felt bad that I wasn’t invited. She was really sorry, and she said that they did not mean anything by it. So since everyone basically felt bad for me and was sorry that I wasn’t invited, my heart felt lighter. I still don’t know how I feel about Nina, though. She hasn’t contacted me at all. I don’t want to hate her. I just don’t know what to think about her. I’m just disappointed, I guess. I thought we were really good friends, too. I drew her. twice. I gave her a piece of myself. I gave her courage to go up on stage to say a piece she had written once. I don’t know how she could just forget me like that. I thought I at least meant something to her…

With the drama finished, I was back to my cheery self again. When Wildfire ended, Christelle, Vida, and I jammed and oh, how I loved every second they sang together. Christelle and Vida thought so, too. I was so happy that they sang together. I knew Christelle needed to taste the good feeling of singing with someone who knows what they’re doing at least once and Vida was the perfect person for it. Vida’s voice always seem to fit anyone else’s with her soulful, soft voice. When she harmonizes, she gives the main vocalist a huge boost. It fit Christelle’s loud voice so much. Since Christelle likes harmonizing as well, she was able to finally do it comfortably when Vida takes the lead.

Since we were enjoying and losing our minds at how good we were sounding, we just wanted to jam some more. So I figured, hey it’s my last day for this season and I might not be able to hear this majestic pair together again. So I invited them to jam at my house and they were both up for it.

So we jammed for an hour and a half and I was basically in Heaven every time they sang. And since I basically had this idea for a while now of mashing up Charlie Puth’s We Don’t Talk anymore with Justin Beiber’s Sorry, when they pulled it off (not exactly how I wanted but it was still so damn good) I was just so happy. We also sang an emo verision of I Knew You Were Trouble. Then I See Fire, When I Was Young, Shape Of You, and some gospel songs. We even shot a video of some of it and I’m still waiting for Vida to send me those…

After jamming, Vida asked me to go watch with a bunch of Wildfire friends Wonder Woman later at 6. Actually, she had been saying I should come ever since Wildfire ended. Since I’m never exactly sure if I’m going to sudden hangouts, I never answer yes. And as we have learned… people here don’t know what “I’m not coming” means. They’d literally tell you to go nonstop. I didn’t even want to go since I already watched Wonder Woman with my parents, but when Vida told me to come after our jam session, I thought differently. I mean Vida—I can’t really refuse her. She reminds me a lot of my oldest girl cousin. She has that kind of innocent and fun charm that I can’t say no to. And since Christelle also decided to come, I had almost no choice. I had to go. It was my last wildfire day for the season anyway and I’m not gonna see a lot of those Wildfire people for the next 3 months. What’s there to lose? I should have fun. I should forget about what disappointed me the night before. I should make better memories!

So I went, and it was a little early. Basically, we waited for about one and a half hours for everyone to arrive. Since the movie was still around 9, we decided we should eat for now. And so, I went with some of them to the extension of the mall. Around that time, which was 7 or 8, there were so many people on every restaurant. As for me who’s so easy going, I just decided to order whatever my friends would on McDonalds, but seeing the long ass line, I knew I had to make a choice. I cannot stand in line just to order some unhealthy crap, so I waited for an escape route to that place. When Christelle called Vida saying she was finally at the mall, I took that as thing to excuse myself from McDonalds. I decided to walk back (with the younger John) at the main mall’s food court to find Christelle and order at the best burger place, MAX. For me who hates being on lines or any place in general that has too many people, MAX was a treat since few people order from that even at the peak hours of dinner. It taste healthier than the other burger fastfood chains, too. And so, after getting our own food, we had about an hour of just talking and making jokes at the food court. We were there for so long that we were able to see the crowds of people come down until there were like just two to three filled tables around that wide space. We obviously stayed there for a long time just to watch Wonder Woman.

When we finally got to the theater, we took some pictures. Then we watched Wonder Woman. I had a little bit of greed when it came to the seats. The younger John told Christelle to save him a seat but I casually sat at that seat since I wanted to be beside Christelle. Besides, Edwin has said that they might have a thing going on and hey, I don’t ship them at all. Might as well be a cockblock for now lol. Since I watched the movie already, I was able to tell her and Sebastian some little details here and there. I really liked the movie even after watching it the second time, but what made this one better was Christelle’s reactions. She was so noisy and she kept saying “yaaasss” at all the scenes when Wonder Woman was being a badass. She would even cheer and clap when she did something great. It was the funniest thing ever.

After that, the time was about 12PM and my mom was already texting me to go home. After the movie we were still taking pictures and saying goodbye to each other so I wasn’t able to go home quickly. Since I didn’t want to make the same mistake of not telling my mom when I’ll be home, I texted her every instance when I know I’ll be held by my friends. By doing that, at least I didn’t get a scolding when I got home. All was good. The whole day ended nicely.

Or did it…?

I went home and saw Edwin had left me some messages. After Christelle and Vida left my house in the afternoon, Edwin and I chatted for a while. I told him about us jamming and how heavenly their voices were. And then I asked about his day. He was still depressed about what happened to him–suddenly going to college and all that. I told him I’d pray for him and he was thankful for that. Since he opened up to me a little, I opened up myself too and told him the reason for my breakdown last night. I told him about how it messed me up not being invited for that Ethiopian restaurant farewell or whatever. He said he saw those posts too and he was baffled as well seeing that I wasn’t there.  Even he knew that Keziah being there made no sense either. I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed those things. But I told him I was finally okay and that I didn’t upset me anymore. And so he says bye saying he has to study. The conversation ends and I got ready to head to the mall to watch Wonder Woman. But an hour after he said goodbye, he comes back again and asks if Christelle had worn a pink top earlier. Since I wasn’t at home, I didn’t see it and he sent messages like “Mia? U there? Hello?”

So when I finally came back at home, at 12 am I replied to him. I aslo said sorry since I watched Wonder Woman with people. I didn’t say Wildfire fearing he’d get jealous, but I guess that wasn’t right to say…

He replies the coming morning with “Now I know what it felt like when the girls went for Ethiopian night. And now, when all you guys go for a movie, and I’m not even mentioned, like not even brought up, like not even like ‘gosh I wish Edwin was here’… So yeah, now I know what it felt.”

The moment I read that, my heart just froze. I didn’t mean to hurt his feelings. The least I wanted was for him to hurt the same way I did just two nights before. So I said to him that everyone said that they did wish he was there but it didn’t exactly cheer him up. And so he continues to say,

        “It’s okay, I guess. I think I deserve all of this. Like I’m such a dumbf*** (he literally wrote dumbf***) Like what was I even thinking. Geez man. I think I’ll buy a cave now and just think how life will add up.”

I quickly replied, “Why, what makes you a dumbfukc? I mean we all are pretty much one.” I said that because I recognized his feelings. It’s his depression and he’s starting to hate himself. I’ve dealt with my own self-hatred by myself in the past but seeing that he was being verbal about it is actually sad and negative and it just hurt me. My conscience couldn’t handle it if I could not make him feel better.

      “Nah, you guys are pretty much some of the coolest people I’ve ever met… even though I bumped into Mark Zuckerberg in Dubai.”

       “Hey I look at you that way, too,” I replied, dismissing his reply to make this all lighter. “And I look at myself as someone who sucks so much.”

          “Pls. Well you think wrong about yourself then.”

        “Even though you think I’m a legend, I have thoughts that are horrible.” And as I quoted what he said (Well you think wrong about yourself then), I said, “And you think wrong about yourself, too.”

          “Nah, you’re like the legend of legends,” he says to me.

          “And did you that even though I’m a “legend”, without all the things that made me one, I’m basically a loser?”

          “Nah, are you kidding me rn!??! You and loser are two different worlds.”

          “I’m not good at making friends. Man I don’t even think I could be friends with guys until you came along.”

          “Pls. Who was Joslin then?”

         “You included me when I feel a little left out. Joslin is another story. We were never really close and I don’t think we’ll ever be.”

         “What about John Surya? What about Jordan? What about Jonathan? And the ex wildfire band?”

          “John is an okay friend but I can’t keep up with him and I just tease him. Jordan is just a leader to me and a spiritual guide.”

            “Wow.”

           “Jonathan is just my music buddy. He’s not exactly what I can call a close friend. I consider very few people my ‘friend’ and to think that I could call you a close friend already says so much about you.”

He seems to be shocked by that at that point that he just poured out to me, “Okay fine, you got me. I’m actually really sad. Like after lurking at the groupie, like I cried a lot. And then I messaged you. Since Gabe was not gonna reply early… And plus you are online every time XDDDDDD.” He must be really upset when I didn’t answer that afternoon if he thought I would reply so quickly when in fact I was part of the group he wanted to be in. I completely understood what he felt so I continue to make him feel better.

           “Aw, tbh this school year is the only year I felt I had such good friends.”

           “Ha.”

           “But of all 8 years I’ve been here, I was like you.”

          “But I feel sad for you. You are gonna graduate like so early. Your height isn’t even eligible XDDD Jk. I’m not height-ist. RIP ENGLISH XDDDDDD”

           Dismissing his joke, I said, “I was always crying whenever I see a group of people that are my friends and to see I’m never there.”

           “Oh man… that’s sad… :(”

          “That’s why I cherish everyone as much as I can… and cry to God as much as I can when I get hurt seeing those things. Because I’ve felt it too many times thinking I’m never anyone’s close friend but then this school year happened and I became close with Christelle. And we’re basically sharing these stuff about ourselves right now.”

         “Hmmmmm. Wow. Jus wow. Like I still can’t believe that one of ma bestie is a Filipino Legend who’s basically a Panda and can play any instrument…”

            *I send bunch of Panda emojis*

            “Well more like a shorter version of panda. XDDDDDDD Jk.”

            “I can’t deny it’s tru XDDD” I said, finally letting him do those jokes. If he takes joy in teasing me, if he feels slightly better by doing so, then I’ll let him do whatever he pleases.

That night, I was just overwhelmed with so much happiness and thankfulness. I realized that the thing I used to pray and wonder about is actually coming true. This is from one of the first blogs I’ve ever posted, and I’ve quoted it a few times before:

“Life truly is something. Through so much let down, one can have the urge to give up. But I’ve realized that after all these different relationships, there were so much things I’ve learned from each of them, not just about friendship, but also about myself—things that were once a mystery to me…. I believe my different experiences with different friendships prepare me for the future. It’s slowly molding me to be the perfect piece that I should be when that one person comes—for that soul mate out there somewhere in the world living right now, for that person who will always stand by me.

But one thing I might want to change on that quote is the last part.

It’s slowly molding me to be the perfect piece that I should be when that one person comes—for that soul mate out there somewhere in the world living right now, for that person who will always stand by me.

“It’s slowly molding me to be the perfect piece that I should be when the right person comes, or for the people who will need the love I have to offer.”

It can’t just be about me wanting things from people anymore because God has molded me into someone that can show His love. So I’m not even going to ask for new friends so that I can make myself any happier. Although that would be good, the only thing I want this coming year is for my current friends to stay being friends with me. If new people come in, whether in the near future or next year, what I’m gonna ask is for God to give me a friend that can lean on me, open up to me, so that I can do the same. We could build each other up because it seems that’s what real friendship is all about.

There’s more to learn about the world around me and I pray God shows me His ways again on this new coming season.

Confession

It has really been crazy these past few weeks. I feel like I’m part of a teenage novel.

Ever since that farewell dinner for Edwin, I’ve gotten quite close to him through WhatsApp. As I’ve mentioned in the previous post, we have shared to each other our crushes and ever since then, we would chat every day. Since I thought I was not going to see him anymore, I was free to admit whatever I wanted and he did the same with me.

BUT. That same week (just this past Wednesday), he attended the practice one last time. I was overjoyed at first because I thought the last time I would see him was that Sunday, but then it suddenly hit me… I admitted to him that I was a little interested in Gabriel and because of that he is now shipping us too damn much. What am I supposed to do when Gabriel was coming to practice too? I knew Edwin would obviously eye the both of us together at some point. And so I couldn’t even look at Gabriel fearing Edwin would smirk at us. But anyway, I was relieved that he came because that meant I wouldn’t have to be the one mentoring Jonathan (new keyboardist) for now. I was playing guitar already so I had other things to manage. And I was also happy that I wouldn’t be going home alone with Joslin. It’s just too awkward if it was just Joslin and me. I can’t even understand what that guy says most of the time because he doesn’t open his mouth properly when he talks.

While Edwin and I were walking through the underpass near my home, he was again talking about me and Gabriel. One thing I remember in particular was him saying that the only thing that didn’t match was our height. I agree with him on that one. I mean Gabriel is basically a tower. I’m assuming he’s as tall as Kwangsoo. And what am I? I’m probably as small as TaeYeon. That’s why I can’t fully have a crush on that guy. I can’t even see his face when he’s standing. Besides, the more Edwin teases me about him, the more I lose interest XD

Anyway, during the taxi ride home, Edwin said that he was gonna miss us (again) and I said that I was gonna miss him too. I told him that I was really happy he came because I wouldn’t have to be the one teaching Jonathan. From that conversation, somehow Joslin told me something that stuck with me too much. He told me to stop being so harsh with new comers. I get where that come from because I truly do have a bit of a temper when I want people to do well. But then he also apparently came to the conclusion that some members stopped coming just because of me. Whether it was true or not, or whether it was just because I shower him with teachings more than anyone else, I took it way too personally. I couldn’t care less if that was true for Caesius, but for Calvin? To be honest, all that I ever blow up on is John and Caesius. With the rest, I just try my best to teach them so that they wouldn’t ruin the band’s flow, but I don’t blow up. So I don’t get why Prasanna would suddenly blame me for a member not coming anymore. What happened to the reasons about school? Everyone is always so busy. If anyone stopped coming just because of me, then were they even here to serve God?

With my weak and sensitive heart, the thought of people quitting just because I wanted them to do better really messed me up. I thought maybe I’m doing something wrong. But then I thought I am just trying my best to help and it’s all for the future of this band. I’m not at all being harsh to anyone. I don’t want anyone to think I’m abusing them. And so I felt absolutely tired at the thought of being a leader or a sunbae that I was yet again at the edge of giving up. Then I thought, “No, not these depressing thoughts again.” I just couldn’t take it so… I asked Edwin if I was intimidating. He said that he didn’t know about what others think, but to him, I wasn’t intimidating and that I was a legend. He said that I say what’s wrong to help him improve. He also said that he actually respected what I do.

When he said that, I started crying.

I sent him the TToTT emoji and he asked what was wrong. I told him that it was just so hard being a leader. So he encouraged me to have more faith and pray about it and that I’ll do good. I told him that I don’t really say much when people do well but I feel like I point the wrong things too quickly. And he said that I just wanted to help out and that I don’t complement them just to be good, but because I want them to do even better or to be at their best. And I…  I was just so touched.

I already knew that he would say things like that because that’s what I believed I was doing, but it still made me so damn emotional. No one has ever actually said that to me and I guess it was what I needed to hear at that moment. It was what I needed to hear after all this time…

I honestly never even wanted to be a leader, but I knew I needed to be a leader. Since I’m a 5 foot tall girl, I feel as if people won’t take me seriously unless I actually prove that I’m above everyone else so I did. I learned all basic band instruments and determined to have intermediate understanding with each one. I wanted to prove that God can use me. I wanted to prove that God can use a small Asian girl. I wanted to prove to myself that I can pass on my knowledge instead of leaving the band to chaotically play on its own.

And I guess I kind of got my teaching style from how I learned to strum. I remember my sister kept on scolding me telling me that I’m not doing it right, and I wanted to prove her wrong. And now I actually thank her for everything she said because I was able to have such a passionate desire to be even better than what I think I’m already good at.

The night after that Wednesday, Edwin messaged me continuously since I didn’t see it right away. He was calling out my name in caps lock and panicking about something and he said if I could do him a favor.

“Mia
“I need a favor”
“MIAAAAAA”
“Can u do me a favor”
“Pls”
“Pls”
“Pls”

*13 mins later*

“MIAAAAAA”
“Can u pls tell Christelle tht I liked her n stuff”
“Cuz I wasn’t brave enuf”
“Yes I admit it”
“I wasn’t brave enuf”
“Can u pls tell her”
“PLS”

I was shocked. He said that he would admit his feelings when the time is right, but now he’s asking me to do it for him? I mean yeah, I get that he’s leaving that exact night so obviously he won’t ever have the time to ever say that to her face-to-face. But I’m assuming he was able to see Christelle that same day and had all the time in the world but as he said, he wasn’t brave enuf.

So there he was saying I should say it to Christelle tomorrow and I’m here panicking as well. Apparently I was the only one who ever knew this secret of his and he trusts me with it. He doesn’t want anyone else knowing. So how the hell was I to break it to her? Christelle and I haven’t actually had a one-on-one conversation for quite a while now. We used to admit our thoughts when it was just the two of us riding the taxi together, but for a long time now we always went home with a full taxi.

So I wondered if I could take her to Al Wahda mall with me and I could break it to her there or on the taxi ride, but apparently she had to stay at church to prepare for the youth mission trip. Even though there was no other way to be with her alone any time soon, I figured I had to say it as soon as possible since Edwin trusted me to do this. So when Prasanna finally reached his introverted limit and wanted to go home (since he’ll ride with me, Gabe, and Gabe’s brother), as we prepared to leave, I took Christelle to a corner. I have been telling her since morning that I had something important to tell her. And apparently Edwin has told her that I had something important to tell her, so I’m sure she must’ve been curious about that. I knew I just had to be quick and leave her to think whatever she wants. So I took a deep breath and pointed to myself saying, “Imagine me as Edwin right now.”

She was like, “Okay…?”

I stared at her straight at the eye and I said, “I like you.”

AND MAN, I CAN NEVER FORGET HER REACTION. For a few seconds, I saw her eyes tremble as she looked absolutely petrified by what I just said. She looked sad, horrified, confused, and weirded out.

“Oh no… Since when?”

“Since back then,” I answered.

“What back then?” she was so shook by the news that I felt myself going red. She asked me since when did I know and I told her Edwin told me on that night of the farewell dinner. It took her a few seconds of awkward facial expressions until she finally said that he only saw him as a friend. I oddly felt my heart sinking when she said that but oh well, I expected it. It was the obvious answer. Even Edwin expected that. Poor Edwin. But I wonder what Christelle must be feeling? How cruel it is for him to admit his feelings right when they can’t talk it out face-to-face. And he just made it awkward between the both of them when their friendship was going so well.

The next day, it seemed like Christelle tried to stay friends with him, casually asking how he was in India. It’s obvious that she didn’t want to break up their friendship because of that. I find that really endearing. But now that she’s trying to stay friends with him, Edwin imagined them meeting in college again or something or she’d be working under him or vice versa. It seems like he still have high hopes that she will develop feelings for him, but I doubted it. I wanted to tell him that if he loves her, he will have to learn how to let her go if ever she does not share the same feeling, but I remembered I didn’t have to say that. He always thought that Christelle has a crush on John’s younger brother John (yeah they’re both Johns) and always tries to let her admit it (btw something I wish wasn’t true cuz the John bros are just eghh). I guess he was basically ready for it–to ship her with someone else. But still, poor guy.

Oh, and apparently he hates it when people call him “bro”. He told me to stop calling him that just a few days before. I didn’t know why he detests it so much but I now know why. That Saturday (when Christelle’s trying to stay friends with him), he sent me a screencap of Chrsitelle who kept calling him bro. “Y does she always call me bro???” He said along with 6 TToTT emojis. He was brotherzoned. I’m assuming that must hurt more than friendzone! XD

I wonder, though… Do I have a good sense in guessing if someone is interested in someone? I mean it all started with Caesius and Jessica always hanging around each other which resulted to that cheesy beach dance… that ship didn’t exactly last. But I did have a feeling that there was something about Nithin and Jessica before I even knew that they were actually dating.

With Edwin and Christelle’s case, I was just shipping them without much thought. I just thought they looked like a couple when they always argued with each other. They always argued about helping one another. When Christelle insists on contributing for the taxi fare, Edwin would never let her and they’d argue about that. When Christelle wants to help him carry his keyboard stand for him, Edwin would barely let her help and they would again argue about that. Basically, they just argued most of the time, and they always teased each other. When they’re talking to each other, I just find myself staring at them with a smile. I often pointed out with a smirk that they were always arguing. I guess I was shipping them that way, and Edwin caught me. I honestly didn’t even realize I was shipping them until he told me in the taxi to stop shipping them. I guess I’m sure know why he even brought it up in the first place. He knew Christelle doesn’t look at him the same way he looks at her.

Now that I think about it, Edwin always tried to be nice to her. I remember that night of the farewell dinner, Christelle didn’t eat and Edwin kept insisting she should at least get a chicken strip from him. She kept insisting she wasn’t hungry but Edwin just kept arguing (again) with her to take one. Seriously, they were already like a married couple because of all the arguing. But anyway, I was right between them at that moment. I didn’t even know then that he had a crush on her, but I totally felt Edwin’s real heart at that moment and that he was just caring for her. It blows my mind how Christelle only finds him as friend after all things I’ve been catching Edwin do for her.

Since I also cared for her, I wanted her to eat, too.  I had to step up and say that she should take at least a small piece. She still argued that she wasn’t hungry, but I just said that I’m older and that she should obey me, and that finally made her eat a small piece.

Anyway, teenage relationships are actually still so weird to me. I don’t get how teens manage to start them… Or I mean, yeah, I get how they start them but to me, it feels like such a big risk to jump into one at this age. Even when I imagined being with Gabriel at some point, I can’t fully put myself up for it because all this young love just doesn’t seem all that wise. I mean, yeah, feelings can’t be helped sometimes, but I guess I have this strong mentality that I can’t date unless I can fare off by myself without the help of my parents. And I can’t confess my love to someone unless I’m absolutely sure about what I feel and absolutely sure that we’re on the same page. So in the meantime, I’ll learn from the love stories of those around me until it is the right time I can get into it.

In the famous words of Hyorin: