December 31

It’s 2019 already. Time has passed since I last wrote something for this blog. I’ve tried many times to remind myself to write but I could not muster up enough energy to actually finish any of it. There’s just too much going on in my head—things I didn’t want to deal with. And since my sister might potentially read them, I have been quite scared to write about anything. I know she’d have opinions I don’t want to hear but anyway, as always, the end result of not writing is that I never actually got over my thoughts. It’s just hovering up in my head getting piled up from one topic to the next and they get shuffled around to the surface depending on my mood. Maybe that’s why I’ve just felt quite heavy hearted. I’ve forgotten the purpose of this blog. I’ve forgotten how these are supposed to be letters to myself. I guess even 2018 me is afraid of future self, huh? Oh well, I really want to move on to 2019 now.

But first, let’s look back at our December 31s again, shall we?

2014

How we celebrated: My sister and I stayed up playing The New Year by Parachute and The Blues by Switchfoot. We hated celebrating that New Year Evening.

How 2014 turned out: Kpop and basically the whole world turned chaotic, and so did our emotions. We were depressed the whole year except during summer.

2015

How we celebrated: We watched Kpop MVs with our parents (which by the way they said were illuminati like a few days later). And then my sister and I stayed up and watched two SNSD concerts, one being Tokyo Dome (a very legendary yet emotional concert w/o Jessica).

How 2015 turned out: It was a great year, filled with its ups and downs. We have been showered with so much lessons. I have come to realize the preciousness of many things, too. Also, I was very Jessica deprived…

2016

How I celebrated: I streamed a year end music show and had a frustrating time trying to make my parents watch with me. In the end I watched by myself and I felt quite lonely. Aside from that, I died fangirling at SNSD’s really hot performance of Genie. Then I listened to loud EDM mixes in soundcloud waiting for 12 to strike. I thought I wouldn’t be able to see fireworks, but then I did and I felt like a child seeing fireworks for the first time. I was so overjoyed.

How 2016 turned out:

I’ve been very cautious and picky of what I show to my parents because I have learned what grinds their gears and what they enjoy. I just cannot waste my time showing them something that they won’t be entertained by as much as it entertains me… Somehow, what’s good is that instead of being frustrated with my parents because of this, I actually got to know and understand them more.

As for the fangirling… I have definitely reached a high level of admiration for SNSD’s beauty to the point that I’d so wrongly have scandalous thoughts about them. It’s got really bad this year… I have to work controlling myself in 2017.

Half of the year I felt quite lonely, but when August started, that’s when the fireworks arrived. So many things happened that brought me so much joy.

Also, EDM took over my music…

2017

How I celebrated:

Then I made my parents watch the year end Gayo DaeJun with my parents (again) and it was nice. No illuminati like crap came up and neither did they comment how they annoyingly did back then. Then we watched 2 Days One Night and Running Man.

When they slept, I stressed over trying to take photos of my bleeding weirdo legos just to post it on instagram. Right after I worked so hard on that, the fireworks started and it felt so rewarding. But what’s strange is that when I was watching the fireworks, I felt a little emotional and lonely. Sure, it was very magical and joyful to see even just a small part of the fireworks, but towards the end, I somehow felt sad.

How 2017 turned out:

I actually got to watch a lot of shows with my parents. But anyway, I was right for predicting that I’d be somewhat stressed with my own interest, but I’d still be enjoying it. It’s all truly rewarding. But the fact that I was trying to take a picture of the bleeding weirdoes spoke more than I thought it would. 2017 was a year filled with me just taking pictures of every one of my friends—friends that I never thought I would have.

And the fireworks? Well, so many great things have happened in 2017. But the sadness I felt is that I knew this was only going to be for a while. Because every time I was with my friends, I’d feel so sad just thinking that I’d leave them sooner than I’d want to.

2018

Funnily enough, as I tried to find a blog where I talked about 2018’s new year’s eve to remember the summary, I couldn’t find it. Apparently I didn’t write about it. I guess I know now why I haven’t had the energy or time to write about anything for this blog. It’s a shame that I couldn’t write everything that I could’ve written. So many interesting things have happened but… agh, this was a clouded year.

Either way, I think I still remember enough of what happened in December 31, of 2017. Basically for that night, we drank with our parents that night on our new house. I don’t remember if we watched anything, but anyway, after dinner and all that, I stayed up with my sister in our room. She was writing her story and I was chatting or rather spamming with my friends in whatsapp. Then the fireworks went off on Reem Island. For the past few years, I’ve always got a glimpse of it through our window in Rent a Car building, but in that new house, I couldn’t see it. I could hear it, but I couldn’t see it. It upset me so much because at this point my sister and I believe that whatever happens for this night is what summarizes my year. And for me who leans on the fireworks as a symbolism for the great and exciting experiences and relationship that I will have, not seeing it made me so anxious.

So far, everything has been accurate. This December 31 summary prediction theory still hasn’t proved itself wrong. My sister, who had been separated from me for a few years, was there that night, and for the half of 2018 I actually got to be with her again. Then there’s the whatsapp chat. I had friends with me even when I was so upset that I couldn’t see the fireworks. But the fireworks were still the highlight of the night—the fireworks that I wanted to see but I was trapped in a room. And instead of hearing people’s screams of fascination towards the fireworks, they sounded like screams of torture. I could not give a more accurate metaphor other than that for my feelings in 2018.

Because what really did I want to see that I didn’t get to see? Christelle’s sincere love for me. It’s not that she didn’t show it, but I can feel that it’s just did not meet my expectations. And I agonized over that one fact for one year. Wondering why she’s so damn heartless and clueless towards me and my feelings. Wondering why the heck all the things I did for her wasn’t enough.  It’s freaking crazy. It was my biggest problem. The fact that I put all blogs related to this matter in private goes to show just how much I wished this wasn’t why I was so depressed this year. I wish this wasn’t the only thing that occupied my mind, but sadly it did. And I feel like a fucking fool.

But anyway, no matter how depressing 2018 turned out because of it, I can’t fully resent the year as it is. It offered lots of good things as well. The case about how I said my goodbye to Wildfire was one of it.

When I completely thought no one would care if I left, God proved my wrong by bringing almost 1/3 of wildfire to my farewell party. But I mostly have my closer friends to thank for that.

And even when the one I loved the most did not care about me, I found three others who sincerely did, and that gave me constant wake-up calls. I deserved more than what I desired. It’s harder to accept it at its word than to say it and it still is, but at least God’s trying to walk me through my own time of healing.

Because of certain troubles, wake-up calls, and revelations, I was able to help so many others get out of their own binds—even those whom I never know. Knowing that I my efforts to help others do have great effects fulfills me.  Knowing that people appreciate me and love me and care for me back because of it made this year at least bearable for me. God truly played his cards well this year.

2019

As for yesterday’s December 31, things are truly going to head in a different direction. Yesterday, in the morning, I went to school and the doors were locked in the basement so we had to wait for some time before it was opened. While we waited, I was with my classmates making jokes and I was quite in a good spirit. Then we finally started school. Class lasted for about an hour and then we watched a movie. Before the movie started though, out of nowhere, Uzbek boys started lining up to get their face drawn by me.

I don’t really believe that the 1231 prediction doesn’t start until the afternoon to midnight, but I do hope I get more opportunities to earn money by drawing people’s faces. It’s fun to see their faces bright up when they see a cartoon of themselves.

Anyway, after that, I went home with 민트 언니 (Vietnamese ’96 aries girl) and she helped me make up my mind on what alcohol I should get for the new year.

Then as I got home, my sister and I ate lunch and watched Everwood. After that, I hung out in my room just singing and writing songs. These days I’ve been writing a lot of songs—songs about my feelings about her. But the particular song that I wrote yesterday was about a “New Year’s Resolution.”

 Here’s the lyrics:

I’ve been stuck here in this moment
When you were holding me
You said all my fears won’t change
The fact that you love me

But how long has it been since
you couldn’t keep your heart at bay
Left me here alone lost in circles
And you don’t even know

I gave it my all
But you never called me first
Oh I never thought that I’d be the one who’d break us first
Cuz now I’ve made a new year’s resolution
To get through the coldest of this season
Without you, I’ll try to

I’ve been tired of this moment
When you saw someone else
You said you won’t be taken
And that’s what I believed

But how long has it been
Oh I really thought we’d be okay
But you left me alone
Lost in circles
with no way back home

I gave it my all
But you never called me first
Oh I never thought that I’d be the fool in this last verse
So now I’ll make a new year’s resolution
I’ll get through the coldest of this season
Without you

Recently I’ve been thinking so much about unfollowing Christelle on instagram. Every time I see her, my heart hurts. It’s like my brain has been so used to relating her name to all the pain I’ve been feeling  that when I see her, my brain wants to save me from it. Like a reflex, I just want to look away. I don’t want to look at her face even though it’s becoming prettier as time passes. I don’t want to hear her voice. I don’t want to hear her laugh. I don’t want to see her with her friends.  I don’t want to know what she’s doing. Strange because just one year before, she was my everything. But now? Well. I don’t want to have anything to do with her.

There was one time when I talked about it with Gabe, but I was so against the idea, telling him and myself that I wasn’t ready.  And then at the same time, I was counseling Gabe’s ex, asking her why she’s still holding onto someone who doesn’t even want her. Even though I was pushing her to get over someone she loved and thought she’d be with for a long time, I completely missed that lesson for myself. So when I finally started getting the courage to wake the fuck up from my own pit of dreams, I made up my mind to unfollow her as soon as 2019 comes around, if not a few days after it.

I also have been planning to leave Argle-Bargle group chat. Since I feel I am no longer connected to the person that made me feel so connected in Wildfire in the first place, I felt there is no more reason for me to stay. But I just want to get the right timing.

Oddly enough though, all these decisions are getting harder to do because something came up in the midnight… but I’ll get to that later.

And so, my sister and I ordered 찜닭 which came so fast,


and we watched the gayo. When it started with Yoona, I was so overjoyed, and then came around Eun-woo and Minho. I swear they are the cutest and most visual explosion bunch of MC’s I’ve seen in a while. Especially after seeing awkward af Chanyeol-Dahyun-Jin a few days ago, Eunwoo-Yoona-Minho was the most refreshing thing ever. Now, I don’t wanna get into every single thought for every group that came about in that show. But I just wanna say that Na Eun and Eunji… how dare they! And Seulgi. I’m so gay for them. Also TVXQ sunbaenimes are legends hands down. And I’m still salty my 몰랐니 아줌마s never performed but anyway, it was fun.

So basically the last hours of that night was me and my sister stuffing ourselves with good food. And while we were watching that GAYO, Gabe messages me and tells me he has something for me. A present. A Christmas present. A present where Adi and Aly and a lot of people helped. And he was uploading it. Even though he didn’t say what it was, I figured it was going to be a video message from a bunch of people. But since I was still watching and fangirling the GAYo, I decided I’d watch it later. And so, when the clock struck 12, I was kind of drunk, and I wanted to watch the video, but I also wanted to watch the show.

After the show was over and all, I finally got ready for bed and watched Gabe’s so called gift. It was a video message for me from some people in Wildfire. Straight of the bat I guessed that Christelle will be at the very end even though I didn’t want to see her. But I knew I’d still want it to be there lol.

Anyway, still a little drunk, I watched it, and it starts off with Surya. I appreciate it but it felt forced. Then Antony. He puts some wit to it so it was quite heartwarming. Then Kezia. I appreciate it, but she’s so awkward, and we don’t even know each other. Again, it felt somewhat forced. So far there’s really nothing that truly hits me at my core yet, but as soon as Aly’s video come up, I became so happy. Aly had the sincerest and sweetest video message of them all. And although she has already said her words before to me, seeing her say them with a big smile on her face just made me feel so loved. And just when I thought my heart would calm down, the next one was Laura. I haven’t really talked much with her for a while but I actually consider her to be my younger sister. And because of the fact that we’re very similar and have similar struggles, I kind of have a soft spot for her. So her message is also very sincere and ah man she’s one of the few people that I really do miss (and I’m not really one to miss people that much). Then there’s Edwin. He compliments me about my talents and that doesn’t really make me feel all that special but I still appreciate it. Edwin is still my good friend despite it so it was nice for him to take time to even make a video. And then Seb came after, too. First thing I notice about him is that his hair is way too gelled lol. And just when his voice wouldn’t get any deeper it actually did. But his message was also very nice. He talked about my music and my heart in the way I’d want to hear it. Also, not many guys really go through the trouble to talk like him as he did in the video so I truly appreciate it. Haha, Now that I think about it, ENFJs (Laura, Seb, aand Adithya) are truly my kind of people lol.  Then the next one is Chinaza. Her message was reaallly damn long lol. She went on about how much I’ve helped her and how much of my advices had shaped her. And she even goes on at some point to say my talents are so much better than kpop idols (which is just ridiculous lol) but anyway, she sees looks up highly too me I guess. Nothing I already didn’t know but I appreciate it as well.

After that long video, Gabe interrupts it all with a really sad ass depressing face like he’s about to cry or some shit. He warns me about how Christelle was going to be the last clip and told me to watch it with caution as if it would hurt me. But really, as he had this sad ass vibe to him, I could give less of a fuck. Because as I said, I’ve been thinking about unfollowing Christelle on instagram all day. I’ve been thinking of letting her go. I didn’t want anything to do with her anymore. I felt nothing towards her anymore. I’m tired. And even if I had the slightest hope that Christelle would send me a message as sincere as Aly’s, I didn’t lean on it. Because in the end, I still know she wouldn’t. And I was right. She spoke like we were still friends. Like all these past months of not talking was nothing to her. And that’s what made it so disconnected to me. How dense she is to not realize I’ve given up on her already. Do I want her to know that? To some extent, I guess, but if this is how it’s just gonna be then fine. Whatever. In the end, she’s still referring to “we” instead of “I.” Is it so hard to say “I love you” and “I miss you?” I don’t give a shit about everyone missing me. I give a shit about your feelings. It’s her message to me for fucks sake. No one asked her to be wildfire’s representative. So why is it that everyone else referred to their own feelings towards me when she just… maybe Gabe was right after all. I shouldn’t have watched it.

 

Really, this is why I want to unfollow her. I don’t want this to matter. I don’t want to be this ridiculously angry anymore every time her name comes up. I already let her know what frustrated me about her so much before, but she still can’t take a damn hint. But even so, she’s not completely to blame because the fact that I care or am angered so much about this situation is that I loved her so damn much. That’s my fault here. Still, I feel like my heart has just been played with. And I’ve already said this too many damn times. Out of everyone else’s message, her sincerest thoughts about me matters more than anyone else, but everyone else just does a damn better job at it. Everyone else clearly cared more about me than she ever did these past 6 months I’ve been away. And she had the audacity to claim me as her best friend?

Yeah, right. I still don’t get it.

Thanks for playing with my heart because now I clearly damn see I don’t deserve you at all. I clearly damn see how much of a fool I was for even falling for you.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. I’m almost over it. I have good friends now. Friends that are sincere. So all this bullshit should soon be past me.

These days I’m really feeling much better–more free from this bind I got myself into. The video messages kind of boosted my ego too so it’s helping push myself back to who I really was before these matters. Even though I don’t really like video messages requested by Gabe just for me because it feels forced on the other’s parts, I still appreciate it a whole lot. Those who were actually sincere about it was just what I needed for this New Year to keep me going. I need to go back and focus on what truly matters again.

Ehem. Anyway, that’s how my 1231 night went. I have absolutely no idea how to predict my 2019 with this night and day. I was appreciated by my friends, but I was also drunk and gay af. How do I make sense of that? Anyway, the good thing is I didn’t feel sad so that’s a relief. So my conclusion is this will be an interesting or just straight out weird year. Either way, it’s already interesting. I woke up to the news of Jennie and Kai dating. It’s weird how I’ve recently just started getting into Jennie, and I’ve also been LOVE SHOT by Kai’s sexy ass. Now this ship shows up. They look good together so I guess I’ll take that as some kind of luck to start this year off lol

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You Mean to Me

I haven’t been recording my life as much as I could’ve been here on the first few months of being in Korea. So many things happen almost every day—so many thoughts go through. It’s not at all easy to write them all, especially when I don’t have the energy or the time to go face them head on. So for now I’m just going to talk about some things that have been constant thoughts that has been popping up in my life.

First of all, let’s start with Christelle and get this over with. On the last post, I talked about how I admitted to her almost all of my truest feelings and hurt towards her. At the end of it I was mentioned that I’ve finally gotten over her. I finally do not feel in love with her. And above all that, I was able to keep our friendship.

Oh, how hopeful I was. During that time, I felt free. I felt like I had conquered so much and yeah, maybe I did, but that freedom didn’t really last that long. Soon enough, I was feeling every side effect of it. Even when I told her all of the hurt that she gave to me, she did nothing to improve our relationship, so I in turn couldn’t help but give up. I couldn’t chase her myself anymore or give in to being the first one to initiate a conversation because if I did, I knew I’d only be hurting myself–my soul. However, whether I do so or not, what’s the difference, really? Waiting for her is useless. She doesn’t care.

It’s been 3 months since that July afternoon and I don’t think I can honestly say that I don’t think about her. I still do. I can at least say that I don’t think of her anymore the same way I did then—about how beautiful she is in and out and all that. But that’s the problem. I think of the opposite. I think of her short-comings. I keep think of the way she treated me then and how it’s gotten so much worse since that July afternoon. For two months, not once did she check up on me. When she did, it was on my birthday. I honestly wished she forgot it to prove my point about how shitty of a friend she has become to me, but funny that she didn’t. Still, even if she greeted me, the girl who I claimed I was her best friend, the girl who I gave so much of my heart to and loved the most, gave the most unenthusiastic greeting for my birthday among all of my friends. I can’t help but compare her to those that I thought were not closer than me, and many of them made me feel more special than she ever could. It gets clearer in my head that I do deserve much better, but I still feel like I’m getting slapped on the face the more I come to terms that she, of all people, did take me for granted. She’s the only one that I wished had appreciated me out of anyone else, so it still hurts to know I suddenly seem like nothing to her. We just had too much history, too much promises, too much of those moments only we shared, too much of my heart pouring out to her–and now it all seemed like a waste of time. It seems like I’m just constantly trying to wake myself up from the pit of those nightmares.

To be honest, I don’t think I can ever get over that fact. I can forgive and understand her–that’s all I really can do. But to forget and not feel the hurt? Maybe in seven years when most of my cells now have been replaced, it wouldn’t hurt as much as it still does right now.

Speaking of other friends that are better, Gabriel… I don’t really know what to make of him. He’s so dumb and dense sometimes, making him annoying, but he’s so intent on visiting me here in Korea this winter. I doubt he’d actually do it, but all I know is he seems really desperate. I don’t get why he’d waste all that money just to see me. We’re just friends as far as I know. Anyway, it’s the thought that matters I guess. I do miss him, honestly. But like to be honest, I hope he thinks of his life more properly instead of wasting all of that travel money just for me. His family are having problems, too. I just really hope he latches on more to God and take better care of himself.

Then there’s Aly. Oh gosh. It’s funny how all of my problems with Christelle started coming to life when she specifically came along, but I can’t hate her. She hasn’t done anything wrong to me, not yet, or at least none that I know of. She keeps in touch with me once and a while. She’s still interested in what I do and comments often on my Snapchat posts. A month ago, she asked me for help on writing her essay and I helped her on that—so I felt useful at least. And recently, she sent me this voice note out of the blue after asking me for help on some chord. (Oh and Gabe linked my chords website on the band group so this is what Aly says):

“By the way, your… your website of chords is honestly amazing. (Like) I- you have no idea how much I admire you. Like, I’m gonna cry right now because (like, tho) just saying your name just makes me tear up because of how amazing you are and how much I love you. (Like) you’re such an inspiration. I-I genuinely can’t even tell you (like) I can’t even begin to explain how much of an inspiration you are and how much I appreciate you. You’re such a blessing in my life and you honestly (like) – I’m gonna cry, oh my god! (Like) you honestly… You’re just such a good example. (Like) you inspire me in so many ways—Musically, (like) how humble you are… (Like) You’re just so beautiful inside and out, like your personality or quality. Your heart, your soul is just… the way you care and love others… (like) the way you always wanna improve and… you’re just so amazing. And (like) the website, when I was looking through your website of all the chord sheets I was like, “Mia is (like) one in a million.” You’re the most unique, talented person I have ever met in my entire life, and honestly I-I just, I don’t even know what to say. I’m just so happy that I met you and I became really close friends with you. And (like) ten months? I don’t even know. I’m so thankful just to have you in my life. (Like) it’s not even funny. Just- I just wanted you to know how much of a blessing you are to my life—and me—and how much you inspire me. And I just love you so much, and I hope you’re doing well. And even though we don’t have that much time to talk and stuff… Honestly, I love you so, so much and you have no idea how much you mean to me and I really hope you know that. Yeah. Hope you’re doing well and that we can catch up some time really soon. I love you.”

This is the most perfect example of what I wanted from Christelle. It’s all I really want to hear. Out of the blue. Once in a while. Recognition of what I’ve always been doing. Recognition of how much I cared and did in order to give everyone the best. But instead I got it from Aly. Don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t make it any less better, though. Aly has a really good heart. She is such a good friend. And at a time where I’m craving to hear such appreciation, interest, or feedback from any friend that I haven’t been with since I came to Korea, this is the sweetest thing to receive. I’ve been suppressing so much of my longing towards others and I can’t really deny that puts an unspeakable weight in my heart. To have someone close to me (except from Gabe) say this to me after a while of depriving myself of the love I know I need refreshes me.

Also, for a person who analyzes so many things, this voice note was the one of the most sincere confessions I have ever received from anybody. And for her to say she wants to catch up some time means a lot to me after all those shitty expectations from the other girl. For once, I don’t feel like I was just thrown away. And oh gosh, now I remember how much she cried saying goodbye to me. And I also remember she gave the best hugs. Damn. She’s glad that she’s friends with me, and I feel the same way about her too. Aly has a good heart. I wished I had spent more time with her before. With that thought, I actually miss her now more than ever. It makes me look forward to the time we’d meet again.

Also, Adithya and I have been constantly sending each other music. It’s a pretty cool thing that we pretty much do that the moment we find good music. At least we’re still keeping up with each other haha.

Anyway, 중간 시험 just ended and we have a new book. We’ve been learning about love and all that kind of 단어 recently. Just today, we were supposed to write advice for 쓰기 and I careered that shit because duh, I live for that shit. I haven’t dated, but I have felt, and I was able enough to write something good that 서은나 선생님 liked it and took a pic of it to send to her husband lol. Even my classmate 무쿠 took a pic of it. I just thought It’d be nice to write it down here again.

(저는 21살 대학생인데 처음으로 여자 친구가 생셨습니다.

여자 찬구한테 잘 보이고 싶고 항상 행복하게 해 주고 싶은데 여자의 마음을 잘 모르니까 어떻게 해야 할지 잘 모르겠어요. 아직 고백을 못 했는데 어떤 방법으로 고백하면 가장 좋아할까요? 기분이 나쁘거나 화가 났을 때 풀어 줄 수 있는 좋은 방법도 알고 싶어요. 여자 친구와 헤어지지 않고 오랫동안 사귀고 싶어요. 도와주세요.)

(I’m a 21 year old college student and I made my first ever girlfriend. I want to look good to her and always make her happy but I don’t know how she really thinks of me yet and I don’t know what to do. I haven’t confessed to her yet so I want to know the best way to confess to her. I also want to know the best way to cool her down when she’s angry or in a bad mood. I don’t want to break up with her and I really want to be with her for a long time. Please help me.

                여자 친구의 마음을 알고 싶으면 자신 있게 사랑한다고 맣해야 한다. 여자들은 보통 남자가 고백하지 않으면 여자도 마음을 알려주지 않아요. 그래서 고백하고 싶으면 여자 친구의 성격을 잘 알고 가장 좋은 고백 방법을 찾으세요. 로맨틱한 여자이면 꽃이나 초콜릿하고 편지를 쓰면 돼요. 아니면 분위기 있는 식당이나 예쁜 장소에서 고백해요. 중요한 거는 여자 친구의 성격과 좋아하는 것을 잘 알면 여자 친구의 마음을 추측 할 수 있고 자신 있게 고백할 수 있어요.

                여자 친구가 기분이 나쁘거니 화가 났을 때도 성격과 싫어하는 것을 잘 알면 방법을 쉽게 찾을 수 있어요. 먼저 어떤 나쁜 상황인지 잘 이해해야 해요. 그게 네 잘못이라면 자존심을 좀 빼고 사과를 미루지 마세요. 하지만 다른 이유나 이유가 진짜 추측 할 수 없으면 조심히 다가가서 문제가 뭔지 부드럽게 물어 보세요. 여자 친구가 문제를 알려 주면 잘 들으세요. 가끔 조언이 필요 하지만 물어볼 때까지 말하지 마세요. 그리고 그냥 옆에 있거나 함께 시간을 보내면 기분이 좋아질 거예요. 아니면 그냥 여자 친구에게 맛있는 거 사세요.

중요한 거는 서로 이해하면 함게 오래동안 살 수 있어요.

                (If you want to know your girlfriend’s heart, confidently say that you love her. Usually, girls don’t let you know how they feel until you confess to them. That’s why if you want to confess to her, know her personality well and find the best way to do so. If she’s the romantic type, writing a letter with flowers or chocolates could do the trick. If not, then take her to a restaurant with a nice atmosphere or a really beautiful place and confess to her there. The important thing here is if you know your girlfriend’s character and what she prefers and likes the most, you can easily predict if her heart is with you, and by then you can confidently confess to her.

                Even when your girlfriend is angry or in a bad mood, knowing her personality and what she doesn’t like helps you find the best way to cool her down. But first, you have to understand what kind of bad situation is causing this. If this is your fault, tear down your pride a bit and don’t put off your apologies. However if it’s caused by something else or you really can’t guess what the reason is, carefully approach her and softly ask her what’s wrong. If she lets you know what the problem is, listen well. Sometimes she will need to hear advice, but do not give it to her until she asks for it. And just being there for her or spending time with her can lift her mood one way or another. If not, just buy her some delicious food.

The important thing is if you both understand each other well, you can be together for a long time.)

 

My teacher liked it so much that she took a pic of it to send to her husband lol. How interesting. I wonder what she took out of it. She’s always complaining about how her husband is not as handsome as Song Joongki and that he’s boring. But she’s newlywed so hmm, did I give her some good advice? Lol, sometimes I wonder just how much I know about this kind of shit even when I haven’t dated anyone myself. I guess learning what love is from God does give me some advantage. But hey, I feel like I still have a lot to learn and things that I have yet to really experience.

Now that I think about it, all that crap with Christelle was like an experience and an exam. I always used to claim to know that I logically know what’s best and all that, but knowing is much easier than actually acting upon it. I guess God did test me a lot. That’s the only reason why I can’t fully say all of it was a waste of time. I’m stronger and wiser now than I’ve been before.

Anyway, I still feel I’m way too young to think about dating and all that. I have to run my course properly and establish my purpose and life here in Korea before I should desire such a thing.

Break It

It has been a loong while since I’ve posted anything here. The last two posts I did here were from March and February, and they were set private. However, looking back at it now, I have no more reason to keep it hidden. I think they are good trails of thought—good sets of memories (even if they’re so damn frustrating).

But anyway, I’m in Korea now and it’s been a month in a half. There are so many stories before I came here that I missed writing about and it’s honestly a little sad to see that I couldn’t force myself to keep record. But the amount of emotions, angst, happiness, and lessons that flooded me for the past few months just drowned me so much that I guess I couldn’t handle sitting down and writing it all in one go. My life literally became a full blown story full of so much depth and it was exhausting for me to try to sit down and pour it all out. Since I always loved being so detailed writing about my life, I knew I wouldn’t have the time to write it all. But of course in some ways, I also did not write because I didn’t want to deal with it at all—like I didn’t want to think clearly about it. Because I felt if I did, I’d be so grounded. However, it turned out to be the complete opposite as always. I was even more grounded because I didn’t get things out. And now I can’t look back at my past thoughts to see where I had gone wrong, where my emotions took an extreme, or where God has proved His love to me. It’s a little sad, but that’s why I’m writing again today.

The last posts were about me and my trail of thoughts being conflicted because of how much I loved Christelle. Those posts were from December, February, and March. The progression of my affection for her is clearly portrayed in those three posts, but then I stopped writing. Why? Because my insane love for got worse by the day. The next post that I literally wrote after the March post was titled “April” and it was all about what happened in the month of April, and most of it concerned her. Since her birthday was on April, it included about how much I prepared for her birthday. I never got to finish writing it, but if I did I would’ve written about what happened in her surprise birthday party and how I was the last guest to stay that night. I would’ve also written about how she came to my house so that I could help her paint something for her best friend’s birthday and how in love I was with seeing her chilling in my room. That was also the day she looked exactly like the drawing I drew of her in short hair and how damn eye-struck I was just seeing them side by side. (Also, her body had taken a wonderful shape at this point and I was bawling).

Anyway, in May, the last month I was in Abu Dhabi, had the perfect finale story for my time there. Everything was being wrapped up well, and there were twists here and there of how I would leave Abu Dhabi. There was a farewell video made by Walid that included all the graduating senior students and that got Christelle and Aly sobbing. I had never seen them cry that hard ever—neither did I think it was possible for them. The sight of them was honestly so heartbreaking, especially Aly ‘cuz she just wouldn’t stop, like she was at a funeral or something. I mean I guess I expected that much and lol I their pain was my aesthetic (since it shows they do care about me to some extent). I also expected to cry that day but oddly enough I didn’t. I guess I was too overwhelmed that I became really numb from all the emotions. Everyone prayed for me and I felt like I got the recognition I deserved from serving God in Wildfire for 5 years. Then at the same day I had a dinner that was solely for me and almost half of Wildfire came (which was beyond my wildest imagination). It was the day I felt so loved by everyone around me without me even planning a single thing about it, and I was just filled with so much happiness that day. But what’s crazy is that wasn’t my last wildfire day because of the visa twist and so, I got to spend another week in Abu Dhabi without even knowing it was possible. I let go of my bass and amp, I finished my drawing for Simon, and I said my last goodbyes to everyone. I can still remember the last hug I gave Aly, of how long and how intimate it was, as if we were not ready to let go. It was crazy. But the crazier thing is I wasn’t able to say a proper goodbye to the one I wanted to properly say goodbye to the most: Christelle. I thought that her parents would invite me and my parents to dinner the next day, but it never happened. I really thought that God had moved my flight just so that dinner could happen, but nope. God had a strange sense of humor.

And that’s basically how my story in Abu Dhabi ended. I don’t think I can say it was the end of a “chapter.” It truly felt like the end of a book. That’s why I don’t miss Abu Dhabi as much as I thought I would. I do, but not so much. I guess I’m just that type of person to accept my fate so easily. That book has ended. My new book in Korea has started.

Funnily enough, my first month and a half here has been incredibly crazy. On my first day of school, I literally cried so much for absolutely no reason—probably because all that I’ve kept inside for so long just wanted to pulse out. I guess I also got so overwhelmed in my first day since I literally couldn’t understand most of what the teacher was saying and I felt like I was an idiot (even though I wasn’t). There were lots of documents required of me as well and I had to do them all by myself. Adulting basically. So I was overwhelmed with how much work and studying I really had to do right from the very start. But I felt like I couldn’t voice it out to any of my family members because I know they’d compare my struggle to my sister’s. She suffered more than I did and I’m honestly pretty lucky to have my life running smoothly with so much supervision, but I just wasn’t used to it. And it overwhelmed me so much. And that was the time I leaned so much on God and I’m glad that it turned out this way. It got me closer to Him again without my affections wavering everywhere. It was just me depending wholeheartedly on God for the simplest things. The anxieties that I had during those first days were eased by Him and His Word, and I could not be any more blessed to feel Him so close to me, walking and breathing beside me than ever before.

But as most book series start, the story still connects heavily to the previous one. And for a person like me who usually do not miss things that I accept are not there, I missed someone more than I thought I would. At this point you already know. It’s Christelle. When has it ever not been her this past year, honestly? At this point I can look back and say it’s because I haven’t completely accepted the fact that she was gone, but it just felt more than that. It’s true that I missed most of my friends. I missed Wildfire. I missed jamming. But I didn’t miss them to the extent that I craved to go back in time to relive them. I don’t even miss my bass for some odd reason. I didn’t miss them to the extent that I wanted to stay in contact with them every day. If anything, Gabe did a good job at keeping in contact with me which I’m honestly thankful for, so I didn’t care about the others that much. But the one person that I wish I didn’t miss so much was the one that continued to drive me insane. Was it because I didn’t say goodbye to her properly that I wasn’t able to let go of her properly?

To be honest, we kept in contact, Christelle and I. For the first few weeks, we talked well and cared for each other well, and it was great. But there came a point where she just wouldn’t reply well to me or she’d forget to, and that to me was the most heartbreaking thing. I didn’t want to keep sending her messages if she was really that busy or uninterested. I also didn’t want to be too desperate. I wanted her to remember me and miss me and want to talk to me. But anticipating her reply made me realize she wouldn’t remember me unless someone reminded her. And that just broke my heart.

Hearing sermons about love and relationships drove me mad. Knowing how well my other friends kept in contact with me while she didn’t drove me mad. Everyday thinking about her drove me mad. I was so in love with her to the point that I got so frustrated and angry at her for loving her. Why won’t she love me back? Why would she claim to be my best friend and blatantly forget to reply to me? I know I’m not one of her bestest friends, I also know that she’s not the best in texting, but the waiting game just broke my heart. It broke my heart to the point that I wrote another long 4 page letter trying to admit to her that I was in love with her. I never sent it to her though, but I finally admitted my feelings about her to Adi through that letter. Adi was very understanding and it honestly got us to open about each other’s feelings about love and relationships. Since he has a crush on Aly, we have a lot of similar struggles, and a weight from me has lifted knowing that in a sense, I was not alone, and that a friend of mine understood. But a week or so after all that, it all just started irking me so much. How is it that two boys already knew my most honest feelings about Christelle, but she, the girl I claimed to be my best friend, didn’t know a thing? My heart was such in a bind that I pleaded to God if I could ever tell her. My days were being affected so much longing for her like a fool and I felt like if I got it out before her, it would relieve me.

When the new “Ask me questions” feature came up in Instagram, I decided to give it a try. To my surprise, after never getting a word from her for the past few days, she asks me questions—questions that just tugged at me.

“Why da heck did you have to leave”

I know she was just being playful asking that question, but fuck. I took it seriously and answered seriously.

Her other question was:

“Also how would you describe me”

It was literally like a slap in my face. I was out here trying to wait for her to reply to my whatsapp messages and I’ve been ranting to Gabe and Adi about how hurt I am for not being remembered by her for at least a little bit—at least enough to be interested in knowing how my life is going. And suddenly she asks me these questions.

Her first question obviously tells me she misses me, but it sounded like a question out of hurt—or as deeply as I interpreted it—it sounded so selfish. How? Again, I know it was a playful question, and I know she already knew most of the main reason why I moved here to Korea but… Was I not supposed to leave? Did you want me to stay? I know she wanted me to, but was asking this question really necessary? Or maybe I’m just getting so worked up because if only she knew that one of the main reason I had to leave was because of her. It wasn’t just about going to college. It wasn’t just about living with my sister. It was also about my deal with God—how he would separate me from her to help me get over. She was the reason I had to leave so far away. My heart hates that reason, but my spirit finds it the best thing ever. So for her to ask that just triggered me.

Her second question triggered me as well for it proves just how selfish she is. I’ve analyzed every bit of her character before and it’s proved to me time and time again how right I am. I know her so well—so well to the point that I know how she would respond to things, that’s why I didn’t know how to go about saying what I wanted to say to her for so long. The answers were already laid out. But anyway, for her to ask me to describe her, like really, what did she want out of that? Was there an underlying reason or did she really just want her ego to be boosted by me again as I had always done before? I literally wrote her a 4 page letter for her birthday just doing that—what more did she want? Like did she know that I can literally describe every bit of her because I was madly in-love with every bit of her? Tch. Who am I kidding. Of course not.

I don’t want to keep going on with this love, but she comes at the right time to aggravate me and pull me back. I know she had no idea about how much suffering she has brought to me at this point, but that was the most frustrating thing. She doesn’t know anything about what I’m truly feeling, and I was basically letting her do as she pleases with me. I was letting her hurt me even though it wasn’t really her intention to do so. Everything she was doing at that point was just basically hurting me, and for her to suddenly take interest in me this way tipped me to my breaking point.

So back to her first question, I answered it with a serious paragraph,

“But I didn’t even say a proper goodbye to you. So who said I really left?”
“Anyway, about Korea, I guess I could say it’s my life moving forward in the direction it was supposed to be going to.
“Tbh I had choices to stay, but I made deals with God and His end of the deal was for me to leave. So I did.”
“None of it was my personal choice. Leaving you (and everyone else) wasn’t my choice either. The only thing I chose was to obey God for my own life’s sake and sanity and I don’t regret it.”

and then she replied,

“I knowwww I was messinnn”

Receiving this reply pricked needles in my heart for she didn’t know what she was saying. She thinks she knew what I was talking about, but I fully knew well she doesn’t. I was too subtle. How would she get that? Especially the part where I said that “I had a deal I made with God, that’s why I had to leave.”

So I replied, “Do you? Hmm. I don’t think you do.”

“I kinda do actually” she proceeds to reply and I just wonder… how the heck was she so confident to say that she knew something that concerned me when I never told her what it was? What did she understand?

“Then what are the deals I made?” I asked, as if testing her even though I know she’s has absolutely no idea what it is.

“about?
hey I can’t know things you haven’t told me”

Yeah. You can’t. So why did you say such a thing? Why tell me you knew like you were so sure?

“But about you speaking to God about the move.
OHHHHHHHHHHHHH
wow yeah no
I don’t knowz XDDDD”

It’s funny how cheery she still was. Same ol’ enthusiastic Christelle. But I couldn’t share her same amusement.

“Because you never asked,” I said.

“dude, I didn’t even know you had deals to begin with,” she replies, and I knew she was making so much sense, because I again, I never told her. But I guess that desire that she would know me more than the surface got too strong at that moment, and knowing it was never present, I broke.

“You would’ve known if only you cared for me a little.”

She replies 16 hrs later saying:

“mia
hey
I’m sorry man”

And I again, I had never been so frustrated to hear such desired words in my life. I’ve always wanted her to say sorry to me for hurting me in ways I can’t even explain, but not like this—not when she doesn’t even know what she’s saying sorry for.

“What are you saying sorry for?” I say.

“you made it seem
like I had to”

“Maybe
But you don’t even know what you’re saying sorry for
Do you?”

“for not caring enough to ask you?”

Great. She knows part of it now. But I just couldn’t accept it.

“So are you really sorry for that?” I asked. But before I even got a reply, it irked me how I was replying. Because to be honest, in her view, there was almost no reason for me to be throwing this fit because I never told her anything. So I said,

“Okay, I’m gonna say sorry, too. I know you’re a simple person and I think way too deeply about everything.
The truth is I need words of affirmation
What am I to you?”

I was honestly scared of asking this question because I knew what she would say, but I still got myself a bit of a surprise.

“I see you as a person who’s calm, wise and a really good thinker, you also happen to be the most talented person I know, and you know the rest man I’ve told you before.”

I knew it all, and honestly I didn’t want to hear that from her. It’s like I’m some kind of farfetched celebrity without her considering what the heck I was to her. She sees me as all of these, but she didn’t say how she sees me in her life as. She totally missed my question. But then that was followed by this:

“But one thing I noticed recently like a while before you left and please don’t take this the wrong way, just something I noticed is you need constant appreciation from me I think to just let you know how special you are to me and like obviously you deserve it all but I just realized I couldn’t do it often.”

This very paragraph struck my heart. She had always been good at detecting people’s affections towards her, and she had even detected Sebastian’s crush for her (which Gabriel confirmed true for me. Lol I honestly ship her and Seb but sadly that girl don’t look at him the same way.) For a long time I had thought that she was good at reading everyone but me, but reading this now made it feel like all I had done wasn’t completely out of sight after all. But the saddest part is if she had that hunch, if she even knew all of that before I left–that I was always so madly happy being around her–then why didn’t she put in more effort? I know she’s not obligated to, but if she felt like I was craving her appreciation or attention, why did she not put in more effort to do so? I voiced out so much about my troubles here in the first days in Korea and even told her that I want to keep contact with her. She always agreed. She always told me she would. She always hyped us up saying we’re going to be that kind of friends. But why was she losing it? Was it my fault? Partly, I know it is. But she’s not out of the blame either.

So if she knew, or at least had a hunch, then why? Why did she at least not try?

“I guess you’re not as bad at reading me as I thought you were.
And all the first things that you said about me, I knew it all. I knew you’d say all that. But you missed my first question.”

I was referring to the question “What am I to you,” but she thought I meant the question“Are you really sorry?” so she answered that.

“I am (sorry)
But at the same time I cannot keep at it constantly
But for the relationship we have and share
I have to try”

I had so much I wanted to say about this, but since this was not the question I wished she had answered, I asked her to answer the second question. “What am I to you?”

“I answered mannn
I only have so much strength to produce more words”

Clearly, she was not understanding what I meant.

“You just told me who I was
But not who I was to you

10 hours later, she still hasn’t replied, but in those 10 hours, I debated all day whether I should just lay it on her what I was truly feeling. I wasn’t going to tell her how in love I had been, but I was going to relay all my frustrations about her before she could even have a chance to reply. I figured there was no other day I had to do all this. I had to get it out. I needed to get it out. I’ve already gone this far. I might as well be honest with her. So I said:

“I’m sorry for all this emo bullshit. You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to. I feel like I know you too well to know what you’d say, and maybe I don’t want to hear it at all. But if you still want to disprove my thought process, I won’t stop you. But I’ll be saying on whatsapp what I need to get out.”

So I moved to whatsapp and spammed her before she ever came online.

[19:39, 7/14/2018] MIA: I’m just gonna try and wrap this up. I really don’t want this to drag out. It’s just not me to put you in a loop like this, or anyone for that matter.

[19:39, 7/14/2018] MIA: The truth is you hurt me from things you didn’t even do and I can’t tell you one definite thing that would logically and clearly make sense to the cause of my growing bitterness. If you really wanted to know what they are, then ask me, but for now this is all I can say. I don’t want to fight you and I truly hate to be suddenly saying these things like a bomb after being that “calm and contented” or that “I will never be upset with you” kind of person you always knew me as. I’ve just been in a rut thinking how it makes no sense that I never get what I expected to receive back from you.

[19:39, 7/14/2018] MIA: But now that I’m saying this, I’m not asking for you to give whatever I want or need from you out of obligation. I know I’m not as close to you as others are no matter how you used to claim I was one of your best friends. But since I’m a 1 or nothing kind of person, things just wouldn’t add up properly for me. Seeing you treating your other best friends and not see that with us is what makes me so bitter–like I’m some jealous bish even though we had a fair share of closeness too. I guess you could say social media crippled me to thinking what we had was just not enough, but I don’t want to keep blaming external causes like that. I certainly don’t want to be that kind of friend either. As much as I’d hoped for us to be the close friends as I imagined, I don’t have it in me to ask for your time if you don’t feel like giving it. I can’t ask for your effort if you think it’s just tiring. I can’t make you miss me if you don’t want to be stuck in that crippling state as much as I do. You have a social life much bigger than mine and I know and understand that. I don’t want to be that burden of a friend who requires your care and attention either. Even for me, it’s such a bothersome sight.

[19:39, 7/14/2018] MIA: I know full well how complicated and heavy my thought process can usually be. I can’t blame you if you don’t want to waste your energy on it. But even though I know you’re willing to bear some of it, I’m the one who doesn’t want to give it to you. I know that you can feel I’m shutting myself out to you often, subtly or not, but that’s because I don’t want you to know you’re hurting me, because that in turn will hurt you for unknowingly hurting me, and in the end, I’m the one who doesn’t want to hurt you.

[19:39, 7/14/2018] MIA: But now here we are. You’re probably wondering what you’ve done wrong and I guess you figured half of it out yourself already, but I’m sorry too. You’re not the only problem because I expected more from you when I shouldn’t have. I know you too well to know you can’t do things I needed you to do, and I don’t know why I pushed myself to wait so much for things I won’t get. And now all these frustrations swelled me up until this point where I need to vomit it all out.

[19:39, 7/14/2018] MIA: I’ve known for so long that if I did not do anything about this and stayed silent, it would harm me in the long term and in turn harm us both. I’m sure neither of us want that. So I’m sorry for hiding all of this from you. I just didn’t know how to make you understand without making it seem like I hate you. I don’t. I really don’t. In fact it’s the opposite, and that’s why all this probably hurts more than it should. I didn’t want to sound unreasonable and stupid either. But I’m just sorry I’ve been such a wuss to not confront you any sooner. I can’t deny it when I still wanted you to think of me as someone who would never be angry you at you, and I guess that’s still true. I’m not angry. I’m just kind of upset—upset for reasons I don’t think you’d fully understand. But I’m sorry for showing it to you in a way like it’s a petty little bomb coming out of nowhere. I don’t really want us to change negatively, especially in such a foolish way. So I don’t know why I decided to act it out that way. I knew I could’ve handled it a little wiser. And I guess that’s what I’m trying to do now.

[19:39, 7/14/2018] MIA: For now, this is all I can say. If you have frustrations about me, I might as well know it too. Rant to me about me and not to anyone else. But I’m not requiring you to do so right now if you don’t want to. When you decide to do that is up to you. I don’t want to keep draining you any further. I don’t want to keep staying in this rut either. Carry on with your day. I don’t want to ruin your vacation. Let me hear any stories you have if you still have any desire to let me know what’s going on with your life. I’ll be here.

[19:39, 7/14/2018] MIA: Thanks for the cap again. I made a power point and presented about it for my speaking exam. The thoughts came out easy because it concerned you. It got me an A.

[21:20, 7/14/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: woah

[21:20, 7/14/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: there’s so much that I legitimately don’t know what to say

[21:20, 7/14/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: You had all of this in you?

[21:20, 7/14/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: And kept all of it in?

[21:20, 7/14/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: woah

(quote reply: The truth is you hurt me from things you didn’t even do and I…)
[21:20, 7/14/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: As in I didn’t fulfill expectations you had and have of me as a friend?

(quote reply: But now that I’m saying this, I’m not asking for you to give…)
[
21:20, 7/14/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: okay yeah I agree and the thing is mia, yes I do count you as a really good friend of mine and I honestly did think we have this connection of how you knew me without me actually letting you know but there were some things that I had with Aly or Sam (my other two) that I somehow didn’t have with you. Honest to God I don’t actually know what it was but I knew there was something that wasn’t there. As for the social media thing, I really really didn’t think it was something that you were looking for. As for sam, the girl who’s always with me, our mom’s our just as close as Sam and I are and so we are practically family, seeing eachother almost everyday of the week which for the fun of here and there would be something we post about. Ofcourse I fucking miss you dude, are you insane, ofcourse I did, but like if you expected me to tell you that often I’m sorry but that is not at all me, i mean ofcourse we don’t want to move on whatever that shit means because there’s no way I can just erase you but I don’t see it being a healthy habit to keep going back

[21:20, 7/14/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: okay going back is not the best term but I mean dude we both knew we would some what lose our friendship because of the distance, there’s legitimately no way to keep that going via WhatsApp or Instagram or whatever but at the same time I’m not saying we wouldn’t have the same vibes between us when we hang, we’ll still be able to laugh at my stupidity, make fun and rant about surya and yeah

(quote reply: Thanks for the cap again. I made a power point and…)
[21:20, 7/14/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: see like this just warmed my heart

(quote reply: okay yeah I agree and the thing is mia, yes I do…)
[21:28, 7/14/2018] MIA: I understand it all. That’s why in the social media part, I know I’m the only one who’s being ridiculous. I don’t really care much about how close you are with others. I know what you have with others and it doesn’t necessarily meant I envied that. But yeah, I know it too, how you won’t be able to keep contact with me or going back or whatever as often as I wanted. I fully know well how that’s not you, and I guess I’m just letting you know how much I’ve been fooling myself for a long time and dragging myself in a pit that I didn’t have to be in. I didn’t want to lie to you, and I felt like I was, or like I was holding up some facade that I didn’t even know I was doing. If anything, I was more frustrated in knowing it all too well than knowing what I couldn’t get.

(quote reply: And kept all of it in?)
[21:40, 7/14/2018] MIA: because I didn’t see the point in telling it at first. as I said, I thought that maybe nothing would change by staying silent, but I was lying so much, fooling myself so much, so much that I was starting to dislike you for reasons that shouldn’t even be reasons. And I don’t know where it got so bad because I thought I really loved everything about you. I held expectations for you to at least ask about how I’m doing like how others who arent even close to me do, but I dont know how to go about saying that to you like you’re required to. I didn’t want it to be like that. I crave a certain kind of attention that’s way too specific and it’s honestly dumb of me to expect it from you when I never told you what it’s supposed to be. But the problem is sometimes I don’t even know what it’s supposed to be.

(quote reply: okay yeah I agree and the thing is mia, yes I do…)
[21:44, 7/14/2018] MIA: The something that wasn’t there is me. Because I couldn’t give myself fully somewhere along the way. And I’m sorry. I know I’m not as fun as others. I also had hidden problems I couldn’t face you with. And I did think I tried my hardest to be close, but I just ended up distancing my thoughts from you even more. Maybe cuz I just didn’t want to hurt you. That’s all.

(quote reply: okay yeah I agree and the thing is mia, yes I do…)
[23:37, 7/14/2018] MIA: if anything, it’s not really about you telling me you miss me. that’s not what I want to hear. I know that’s given. That’s why I don’t tell you that either because I know you know. I dont want to be talking about memories ever so often either. I’m not one to lean on the past as well. But part of the reason why I broke in IG is that we just dont seem to ask each other enough about whats going on with our life. I want to be able to talk to you like a normal friend would like the distance wasn’t much of a factor. I don’t care if you’re not online at the moment. I just wanted to be able to know that whatever time it may be that, how busy you’d be, you’d still reply regardless, even if it’s a day later. You’d still try to keep it alive other than likes and comments here and there. Or at least we’d know what each other’s up to–what’s currently keeping us alive. And I just wanted to live life feeling like I haven’t lost so many things that I valued before. But it just seemed the one that I valued the most, I felt like I was losing. And maybe I just couldn’t accept the fact that you would write it down in the letter and even now about how sure you were that there’s no way to keep this going just because distance plays a part. But if that’s what you really what you expected to happen, you did a really good job at making it happen. For once I don’t want to go with the flow like I usually do. It’s hard for me to look at it that way. I know things change, but can’t it not change so much? I’m not asking you to miss me. I just wish you’d treat me like I never really left. But then again, you kind of treated me like I was already leaving when I haven’t physically left. So I don’t really know what kind of thing I’m fighting so hard not to change.

[00:11, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: ill read this in a while mia

[00:28, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: okay I will try to make a conscious effort to do so- fill in on what’s going on here with me.

you don’t have to be rude mia, I wasn’t trying to have to easy an way out by saying we can’t be the same because of the distance, but realistically and practically I was saying that distance would play a huge huge part.

[00:28, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: I typed a lot and then scrathed it all out

[00:28, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: it’s so much that you’ve written that I really don’t know how and what to say

[00:29, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: you told gabe about this?

[00:29, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: he texted me a while back saying something is very wrong and said he wanted to talk to me irl and I said I’m in India and them today he said nevermind

[00:30, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: so obviously you told him

(quote reply: okay I will try to make a conscious effort to do so…)
[00:30, 7/15/2018] MIA: I’m sorry if anything came out rude. I didn’t mean to be.

(quote reply: so obviously you told him)
[00:31, 7/15/2018] MIA: I can’t lie to you. He’s the only one who’s ever kept up and checked on me.

[00:32, 7/15/2018] MIA: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you first

[00:33, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: and now I’m crying about this whole thing because my mind doesn’t even know how to process it

When she said that she was crying, I couldn’t take it. I expected to happen but… I just couldn’t let her feel like shit—even if she did make me feel like shit for ages.

[00:33, 7/15/2018] MIA: I’m sorry I just didn’t know how to deal with it until it got so big

[00:34, 7/15/2018] MIA: And I never wanted to make you cry or hurt you and I know it’s unavoidable but Im just

[00:34, 7/15/2018] MIA: my thought process is too

[00:34, 7/15/2018] MIA: idk

[00:34, 7/15/2018] MIA: idk why I think like this

[00:34, 7/15/2018] MIA: I’m sorry

[00:34, 7/15/2018] MIA: I really am

[00:35, 7/15/2018] MIA: For dumping all this out of nowhere

[00:35, 7/15/2018] MIA: I really dont know just what to do

[00:36, 7/15/2018] MIA: And I felt like the last thing I had to do to stop this was to tell you

[00:36, 7/15/2018] MIA: because I always remember how I could never lie to you

[00:37, 7/15/2018] MIA: but my life basically became a lie around you and I dont want that to keep going

[00:38, 7/15/2018] MIA: Can we just, be like normal friends like I really dont want my shitty thought process to keep going

[00:38, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: normal friends?

[00:39, 7/15/2018] MIA: yeah

[00:39, 7/15/2018] MIA: whatever that means to you

[00:42, 7/15/2018] MIA: this has been too hard on me, but I dont want it for once to be so hard on you. Theres so much baggage I have and Ive seen some of it fall already. But I dont want the whole thing to weigh on you

[00:42, 7/15/2018] MIA: I’m really sorry about all of this

[00:43, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: now I’m just sobbing it out

[00:44, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: can you please tell Gabe to back off

[00:44, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: I’m not close to him

[00:44, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: ta all

[00:44, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: at

[00:44, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: To talk to him about his

[00:44, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: This

[00:44, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: He’s been kind to accept a no

[00:45, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: And he just asked me if he can ask me questions about it

[00:45, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: And I say no

[00:45, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: but please tell him to stop

[00:45, 7/15/2018] MIA: i will. I dont like the idea of him coming to assure you either.

(A few days ago when I was so worked up by all of this situation about her not replying, I ranted to Gabe and he asked Christelle about her friendship with me. I really didn’t like that idea because for him to remind her just to talk to me is not the kind of attention I wanted. I wanted her to want me without anyone reminding her. But obviously that never would have happened if I didn’t break to her like this.

[00:53, 7/15/2018] MIA: I hate to admit that I got him worked up with me, and that he was willing to scold you for all of this. I hate that I was such a wuss for even giving him at least a bit of that permission, like I wasnt willing to confront you. but I realize I can’t deal with you hearing all of this from a third party. Cuz I realized I feared it so much–for you to see that I didn’t at least have the guts to face you myself.

[00:57, 7/15/2018] MIA: I’m sorry for telling him. I know that what happens between us should only be between us, and I’m sorry I’ve been such a coward not to look at it that way

[01:55, 7/15/2018] Chrisτeιιe <3: it’s okay

That same night, she told me that her best friend admitted to her that she was being abused by her dad. How horrible it must’ve been to be dumped with bad news all in one day by your closest friends. But even though I felt bad for her going through such things, for once in my life I felt lighter. I had told her a huge portion of the truth I had held in so long. At this point I don’t think it’s important for her to know I had a crush on her. If me admitting my pain just drove her crazy, further knowing why I had such pains will only drive her insane. It’s not necessary. I’ve said most of what I needed to say.

And strangely, that ended that chapter.

I was so done, and I’ve admitted to her everything that I wanted her to hear, that now I don’t care anymore. Of course I still miss her. Of course I still want her to be my friend. But knowing that she probably won’t ever change concerning me, and knowing that she knows what I used to want from her, I somehow let the thought go. And I think, oddly enough, I’m not in love with her anymore. I can look back at us and be like, “oh yes, she’s the girl I was in love with.” And she was. Was. I’m not used to being so obsessed with her as before, but it’s been about two weeks since then and I’ve never felt freer in my life.

So it was possible after all. I mean yeah, of course I knew it was possible but… yeah, easier said than done as always. I’m lucky that this turned out to be easier than I thought it would be. Even if we probably won’t be as close as before (or close as I had always hoped for), at least we’re still friends, right?

Blinding Love

My affection for Christelle is taking a great toll on my life. Every time I think about my love for her, my head hurts, my stomach crumples, and I feel slightly high or tipsy trying to keep up a façade every damn day to hide what I feel. This is starting to chaotically drive me insane. I can’t stop thinking about her. Every day, she’s in my mind. Every scene I imagine, she’s there. Every glance and stare I get from her, I want to linger in it. Every touch, I find extreme warmth in it. Every text from her counts to me. Every laugh she gets out makes me smile. Every frown she makes entertains me. And every attention I can’t get hurts me.

I really get now how people say “Love is blind.” I can’t see straight. I feel it in my core. I really do. But I also get why loving God makes you see, and it’s lighting up my darkest tunnel. This constant focus and blur that I am in hurts eyes and it gives me a headache. I know what’s right before me, but don’t know what I’m supposed to see. I know where I should be heading, but I can’t see where I’m going.

Good ol’ Joe just preached on Friday. Now, Joe is a real sweetheart. He sometimes talks like a stereotypical good Christian dad from the Southern states of America (says y’all very often). He is like a guy that wasn’t born in this generation but is trying to keep up with us anyway. As I may have said before, he looks really close to Jack or Jasper Turvey (Jack’s cousin). I recently took the personality tests three times to confirm Jack’s personality and he got the debater, and when I asked Joe yesterday to take it, he got the same result as well (which totally freaked me out cuz I was just discussing this with Gabe the night before about how similar they were). Although Jack is more playful, Joe is the closest living depiction of Jack that I have ever seen stand before me.

With him having the debater trait, Joe was pretty direct and straightforward with how he preached and he didn’t hold anything back as Jack would have. However, the wisdom and courage that Joe had to speak truth in Wildfire gave me chills. He talked about how we needed to ask ourselves if we are walking with God, because we can’t at all call ourselves Christians if we’re not doing so. One of the points that really got to me was that he said we are not walking with God if we serve two masters (Matthew 6:24). It’s a pretty basic thought in the Bible, but for it to be said with so much conviction was like a slap to my face. Actually, his whole message personally tore at me, but just the thought of knowing that I have drawn myself to a pit where I now serve God and myself, making amends to help satisfy what I want and what I know He wants for me at the same time… it tears me apart. I don’t know how to deal with my life. Even though I know the decisions that I have to make, they are always easier said than done.

Why has God placed me in such a trial? Why has he allowed Satan to swerve me this way? I know there’s never a situation that God won’t give to me that I can’t handle… but this is internally driving me insane.

I love Christelle. I really do… in every single way. And I want to do so much with her—things that are good and normal, but also things that are not exactly beneficial. Is everything that I do with her from this point on a sin, though? Is it really so bad to crave to spend time with my best friend, even when it’s not in the wrong way? What should I think of her when I can’t stop my eyes from dilating, my heart from beating, and my breath from falling short when she is around? What do I do when I want to hold her hand? What do I do when I start feeling jealous seeing her looking so friendly with someone else? What do I do when I start deluding myself that every time we meet unplanned, I think of it as destiny?

What do I do when I can’t be honest with my best friend? What do I do when I start living my life with lies?

Recently, I have been hanging out with others trying to constantly prove to myself that I don’t need her all the time. After the Big Weekened, times such as this find me, as if God himself encourages me to face the challenge I want to tackle myself.

Just a week after the Big Weekend, I got invited to Emily’s place to hang out after Wildfire. Emily is Jessica’s Australian friend that has been here for about two years. I’ve known her for a long time but I never really got close to her, let alone even acknowledged her presence much. We were always very awkward towards each other and avoided as much eye contact as possible. But because of the Big Weekend, we warmed up pretty well to each other. So then, what do you know! I got invited to hang out with her at her house just a week later. I couldn’t say no. It was the first time she had ever approached me and I was interested to see what she had in store.

However, since I wasn’t completely comfortable with hanging out with her or her friend group yet, I had to know who else was coming. I needed someone to lean on. Unfortunately, Christelle, Aly, Gabe, and Adi, the people whom I am most comfortable to hang out with, were not going to be there. I didn’t really know the point of being there if I’m not going to be comfortable with whom I’m with, but when I knew that Sebastian was coming, I was okay. I never really leaned on Sebastian before, but he is the next closest person to me that I feel comfortable hanging out with (especially after Big Weekend, again). Soon, Laura wanted to go as well because she heard I was also going. Being/feeling like her older sister, I obviously cannot say no to that. I could see that she wanted to hang out, but wouldn’t go if I wasn’t there.

Anyway, on the way, Jess, Seb, and I rode a taxi together and we had a conversation about the stresses they had happening in their houses and current events, and we were just encouraging each other. It was nice to have them feel like we were actually relatives trying to lift each other up.

And so, when we were all at Emily’s house with a bunch of other friends, no surprise, I found myself leaning a lot on Sebastian. By that I mean that I find my comfort in him by being near him or sharing glances when we crack a good joke. It was like an unspoken thing that we fed off of each other’s attention that day. And when everyone was playing card games at the rooftop, we were just in our own zone singing and jamming away, providing music for everyone. It’s like we made our own little world. I think it’s because of this unspoken understanding that we weren’t originally from this friend group that we naturally drew to each other more. And even after that, we rode home together. It was the first time I rode with him alone and surprisingly, it wasn’t awkward at all. It was fun talking seriously about life and sharing jokes with him at the same time.

But then, Christelle comes back to get my attention.

Since she has been busy with her rehearsals for her Annie play for a few weeks, I didn’t have much energy to go to band practices. (They would still allow me to play during Friday since Jordan changes the layout of worship when we lack singers and instrumentalists. I was sick most of these times, too). But anyway, I couldn’t see or get to hang out with Christelle as much as I did. I was kind of deprived of her that I just started drawing her one day. (I used to give reasons why I draw certain people, and this was definitely just to find comfort in seeing her smile before me again.) I drew her with an idea of making her look a little older. I cut her hair short even though she once mentioned that she prefers long hair. When I posted it on Snapchat, she saw it and wanted me to send that photo to her. She said that it looked really good and that she was thinking of cutting her hair to that length. It turns out, she has been thinking of cutting her hair short since last year’s summer, and just seeing how well it looked on the drawing made her want to have it even sooner. Of course, since I was only imagining a version of her that I thought I wouldn’t see until a few years later, I freaked out. She wanted to bring my drawing to life.

That Friday (a week after hanging out at Emily’s), I remember just constantly looking for her in the courtyard to no avail. She wasn’t answering her phone when I tried to call and even Jessica couldn’t reach her. (turns out, she left her phone in her school) I thought she wouldn’t come, but while we were rehearsing songs, she came in the room and I… She had short hair. Although her hair did not completely take the wavy/curly shape that I had drawn, I was overwhelmed by the fact that she cut her hair to the same length I imagined. It gave her a completely new look, a look that I never thought I would see from her—an image that I had in my head that she brought to life. And she looked more mature. And prettier. Breathtaking.

That day, we were supposed to go to a park near cornice that Jordan has openly invited us, but our friend group didn’t want to be outside under the rain and fog and chose to go to Al Wahda instead. For the first time in a while, Aly wasn’t there, so I had Christelle for myself again. I know it would’ve been nice to have Alicia there, but just this once, Christelle’s attention isn’t split and more biased to her. She’s actually beside me and with me, talking and sharing jokes with me again. How I missed it so much.

What was took me a little off guard that day though was when Christelle and Mark got up to order food, leaving Adi, Simon, and Me. I don’t remember what they were talking and joking about but I remember Adi talking about gay people and lesbians. I dont remember how this happened exactly, but I remember him asking after a joke–trying to make sure–if I was gay or not. “Wait, you’re not into girls… right?” or something along this lines. People aren’t dumb at these things these days and I’m sure this happens more often in schools all around. And of all people, Adithya is smart and very observant like I am, so it seems like he had caught onto at least one little detail to assume that I was not the average Christian girl in terms of preferences. And I just… See, I can’t even remember this clearly because I feel like my brain is blocking that memory for me. I don’t even know how I responded, but all I know is I somehow I had convinced him that I’m not. I don’t even know how I lied or how chill I tried to handle it. But the thing about it is I’ve been thinking about what it’d be like if I came out, and at that moment, I definitely couldn’t. The rush of fear constricted me, especially when white boy who doesn’t understand the world Simon was there. Maybe if it was just Adi and I, I would’ve caved, but in that moment, I feared for my life. And I felt filthy. Even though it’s something that I have a hard time keeping in, confessing it didn’t seem right either. And I feel it won’t ever be. It will ruin everything no matter how understanding everyone can be about those things these days. I can’t do it. At least not publicly. Privately to selective people? Maybe. But to those who don’t know how it feels? It’s not right. It’s not who I want to be. It’s not what I want to be officially known for of all things. I don’t want to ruin my life.

When Christelle and I went home together, she asked me if I was going to her play. She has mentioned it and openly invited anyone to come from Wildfire if they wanted. Since I had doubts about where her school would be and all, and since I basically chose not to come to Jessica’s dance performance two weeks before, I was in a dilemma. I did not want Jessica to think or know how biased I am, that’s why I wasn’t thinking of going, but at the same time, this is Christelle we’re talking about. It’s clear to see that the chances I can get by seeing her are really few. I need to be there for her as her best friend. I don’t care if I had no steady plan of how I’m going to get to her play. She has asked me personally, and I can’t say no. Not to her.

Fortunately, I got to ride with Christelle’s mom, Auntie Liz. She let me sit on the front seat of the car and we had a nice talk about how my mom looked really young (cuz they came across each other at Friday). We also talked about what I’ll be doing in the future and so on. When we got to Jess’s place, Auntie Liz let me buy some snacks in a baqala so that if ever we became hungry during the play, we’d have something to eat. And when Jess was finally riding with us, I got to talk with her as well about the future and stuff. Among everyone in Wildfire, I’m most comfortable talking with her about college because we are both in almost the same situation. I also got to reminisce with her about a lot of things that happened for the past 9 years that we’ve known each other and it was pretty nice.

While we were waiting by the school’s courtyard, Christelle came and greeted us, and I, again, internally freaked out at how cute she was. Her hair was curled and looked so similar to my drawing that I just couldn’t help but feel like I was in a daze. I felt like I was dreaming just seeing her so differently and in her own zone, in her own school.

Since I watched a Broadway play of Annie a day before just to know what the story is about and when Christelle’s role will come out, it was expected that the play was not as professional and fine cut as I had seen, but still cool nonetheless. Aside from the strong camera flashes in every damn scene, I really enjoyed it. I actually expected Christelle to be playing one of the main characters named Grace, but she was actually one of the orphans and was named July. Man, she was so savage and sarcastic in that role that she owned it so well. She was one of the best actors there honestly. I may be a little biased, but hey, I’m telling you, she did really well and projected her lines naturally compared to a lot of them. I can say she did even better than the girl who actually played Annie!

I went home with Auntie Liz and Jessica that night and we stopped for some spicy shawarma and falafel. While Auntie Liz was buying the food, Jessica and I talked about girl problems and also again about how hot her skin is because she got sunburnt. We talked about it on the way to the play and her skin was really warm that time, and it still didn’t subside through the night. It was crazy, haha! When Jessica was dropped off, I came to sit at the front again and ate the last pieces of falafel with Auntie Liz. She was talking to me about how clumsy and forgetful Christelle is and we laughed about that. She then asked me if I could pick Christelle up the next day (Friday) for the second service, and although I managed to say yes, they canceled the next day cuz Christelle wanted to rest. She still came for Wildfire, though.

The next day (Friday), Ben and his wife, the new candidates for the Youth pastor (?) position came by. We in Wildfire as a group had the dumbest questions with the exception of the serious and relevant ones only asked by a few like Joe and Sebastian. I think it’s cool though how united we are this year at the jokes we share. We asked Ben if he liked Hawaiian pizza or not, an on-going debate that drives us all in Wildfire crazy. We even asked him if water is wet—another dumb debate that gets us all in such a frenzy. We were like one big family. It was like no one was left out. And when we sung for worship, you could hear everyone’s voices. This has honestly been one of the most alive years of Wildfire. It’s amazing.

Anyway, after Wildfire, we (wildfire, forge, and some parents) were all planning to go to Joe’s house to get to know Ben and his wife more. Dumb as we were (me, Christelle, Aly, Nithin, Adithya, Walid, and Joslin), hung around the courtyard laughing at the dumbest things and wasted so much time. At the last minutes we decided to walk to Seashell and buy some food because they were hungry. Then we got on a taxi that got lost and went in circles on the way to Joe’s house. Fortunately enough, we got to our destination safely.

I’m honestly impressed at myself that I didn’t have the urge to always be around Christelle that day. I hung out with Aly and most of the guys for the first 30 minutes to an hour or so and had lots of fun just joking around with them by the yard of Joe’s house. However, when we got back in the room, I guess I spoke too soon. I looked for Christelle just to know where she was but I couldn’t find her at all. I internally panicked not being able to see her anywhere around the house and I couldn’t at all sit still not knowing where she could be. It was a weird feeling. I wasn’t even with her for the past who knows how long and I was completely fine then. But at that moment, I couldn’t stop worrying about her and couldn’t at all enjoy my time not knowing or being assured of where she is. Only when I found out that she went out with Joe and Jordan to buy something from Carrefour was I able to calm down. When they came back, I became normal again and minded my own business.

After all that worrying, I got drained and decided just to sit by myself and play Joe’s guitar. A bunch of kids (and by that I literally mean 12 year old kids born in 2006) came up to me and thought I was cool lol. They seemed surprised that an 18 year old like me found them cute and likeable because it seemed the normal world of seniors found them annoying. But to me they were just kids and it was super adorable knowing how far off their age is from me hahaha. When they finally left me, Jessica, who was talking among our friend group, noticed that I was away from everyone else and she asked me if I was alright. Although I was just trying to recover and preserve some energy because I felt my throat starting to get sore, I was touched that she cared about me enough to check up on me. Soon enough my friends started gathering around me and I wasn’t alone anymore. Since Simon was sleeping near where I sat down, we went out the yard and jammed to songs. It was so nice to hear how well we all harmonized by now singing the praise songs we loved to sing. And oh how I missed Christelle being in the same zone as I was…

Tuesday then came by and I practiced with the adult team of the ECC church. Through Sebastian, Pastor Aubrey had invited me to play bass since Sebastian was the one leading the set this Friday. I am honestly so proud of Sebastian for being able to be recognized by Pastor Aubrey (awesome bass player / band manager) as someone that could lead a service with the adult team. It was just last year when I was I looking at him wondering that he had so much potential even though he used to go out of tune at times. I worried a lot about him and wanted him to improve the most out of everybody, and now he’s improved so much that I’m assured of his leadership and performance. I don’t worry about him at all.

I met Joseph Chu, a pianist in the adult team who was the same age as my sister. Since he was near my age and was really talkative, he was very easy to talk to. Seb and I even got to ride home with him after practice. But anyway, the other member there was an old, tall American grandpa named Guy, and he harmonizes really well. He’s very friendly as well and he didn’t feel too old because of it. Pastor Aubrey came to hang around us at some point and was making jokes with us. It was really interesting to be with a different group, especially with all of us being in different age groups. It was fun, but what was certain was that the practice went so much smoother than our wildfire practices lol.

At Friday, I met the drummer, Fabien. Since Pastor Aubrey talked about him as if he needed some guidance and wasn’t as “talented” as us, I was stressing out a little about how to handle him. Pastor Aubrey said that Fabien will be leaning on me for the flow of the song and if I was to give him steady signals, he would be okay. It worried me because my definition of “not talented” equaled to Caesius or those at absolutely beginner level. I didn’t know if I had it in me to carry and teach someone who didn’t come to practice what to do, especially on rehearsal. And I had no idea who Fabien was.  Since he’s part of the adult team, he’ll surely be older than me. So Pastor Aubrey even asking me, a tiny girl on the bass, to be assertive towards that guy somewhat made me nervous. But it turns out, Fabien was okay. I didn’t have any problems with him and he wasn’t at all in the level that Pastor Aubrey seems to be putting him in—or in the level that I assumed him to be in. So I was relieved by that.

That same day, after Wildfire, everyone was planning to go Bowling. Since I woke up at really early to play for the church services and lead with Vapor Lights, I was really tired by the afternoon and just wanted to rest. Everyone kept asking me if I was going and I kept saying no. Besides, Christelle, Aly, or Adi wasn’t going to be there. Gabe would be there, but to be honest he just drains my energy. So I had all the good reasons to say no. But for some reason, after everyone has basically asked me if I’m going, John Surya asked me last, and I managed to say yes. Of all people to say yes to, I said yes to him. I know, I must be out of my mind, and yes, I’m sure I was. As ridiculous as it may seem, again, it was because of Christelle. However this time, it’s not because she decided to change her mind and go, it’s because it clicked to me that I was again sticking to this thought that the only way I can go is if she’s going to be there. I guess John Surya triggered my inner conflict because he used to always tease me of never going anywhere unless I had Christelle. I didn’t want him to keep thinking that I was stuck in this thought process. I didn’t want anyone to keep thinking of me that way. I was 18 and so near in graduating. I was starting to develop that pride, and I wanted to grow from this clinginess. I had to prove to everyone that I’m not that Christelle obsessed person anymore (even though I still am deep inside). I had to show Gabe that I was trying my hardest to avoid her. I was trying to show Christelle that I’m becoming more independent now. I was trying to prove to myself that I can enjoy other’s company without her.

When I said yes, Emily was happy to find out that she won’t be the only girl there, so I was happy that she was happy to have me. It’s never a bad thing to get to know others more and I was definitely excited to spend time with her. When I found out that Seb was coming, I decided I didn’t have to worry about anything. However, I’d be lying if I said everything was mentally fine for me. When I said yes, everyone seemed who were going seemed excited to have me there… But when I looked at Christelle, and she was looking at me, there was something I felt that just made me shiver. In the midst of telling everyone that I was actually coming, I couldn’t understand Christelle’s facial expression for the first time. I always had a good hunch of what she may be thinking even in the smallest detail of her expressions, but at that moment, I couldn’t understand anything. Maybe it’s because it was hot and bright that day that she wasn’t as smiley and hyper as she used to be. But that moment when we were just looking at each other, I felt like she read right through me and understood full well with one look that I was pushing myself for something I didn’t really want to do. I felt like she was proud of me for making such a decision, but was also skeptical as to why I did so. It sent a shiver down my spine that I just constantly tried to say to everyone that I love and miss bowling and had enough energy to play (even though I had basically said to her that I was too tired to do anything else. And of all people, why did I say yes to Surya? Maybe that’s why she seemed so skeptical? But maybe that’s just me being delusional–she probably doesn’t think deeply of my thoughts that way. But who knows. She does tend to overthink).

Anyway, before the group went to Sports City, we had refreshments at seashells. While we were waiting for the family taxi, soon enough Christelle, Aly, and Adi comes to seashells and sits at another table to eat. Although they were basically still part of the group, they had their own table and conversations. They seemed far off that I just… it felt like I was in a completely different reality being in another friend group—as if they weren’t really close to me to begin with. But every now and then, Christelle tried to join our conversation. It was strange to feel like we were not close friends in that moment. I know, I’m so dramatic…

At the bowling center, I hung around mostly with Joe and Emily. They held up pretty interesting conversations and they weren’t draining people at all. I also found that Joe is the sweetest guy to ever come around in Wildfire—too sweet that he willingly insisted to play for our bowling lane AND play pool afterwards. But anyway, it was fun playing bowling with them, along with Surya and Aaron (Sebastian’s friend) in our lane. Aaron definitely won with me and Surya following after him. But overall, our lane really sucked. I expected Joe to be good at it, but he wasn’t. As for Emily, she literally had a score of one for like five rounds, it was so funny. Although I sucked compared to how I played bowling years ago, at least I wasn’t last place in our lane! Haha!

After that, we played pool and I sucked really badly for my first time. I couldn’t even hit the damn ball, have good force, or direct it to where I want it. It was so frustrating to be horribly bad at something while everyone did fairly well. But on our second or third round of playing, I actually got a better hang of it and scored a few balls in the holes! Haha yay!

I went home with Joslin (oh yes, for once, he was there lol), Sebastian, and Nithin. It was strange to go home with only a group of boys for once in my life, but to be honest, I liked it. They were so funny to have around. Eventually a few others joined to go home with us and Prasanna and I ended up sharing a taxi with some kid I don’t really know. But anyway, I had the exact money needed because Joe literally insisted to pay for me and Emily’s expenses that day.

Now, the coming Sunday was very interesting. The only ones going to play for Sunday Service was me, Sebastian, and some woman from the adult team named Alex. Pastor Aubrey got a cold, which is why he couldn’t lead, so he asked us to come and save the day by playing the same songs played at Friday, but with one song replaced by a song we did in Wildfire. Now, I was more than willing to play anything, but since it was only going to be us three, Seb had asked me if I could play the piano the day before. I tried to practice the songs, but since I’m such a perfectionist, I knew there was no way I could do that with such little practice. So I insisted to play guitar instead. However, getting the guitar was another thing. I didn’t have a pluggable guitar, and the only one I knew of that I could get was the one in the Wildfire storeroom. Since the storeroom of the adult worship team was locked when we got there, Seb called Adi (who lived where Chris and Ronali used to live) to unlock the room to our storage. I got the guitar then. Seb and I also had a small adventure trying to find where Pastor Aubrey had placed the chord sheets in his office. It was under a comfy bench/couch thing with a hidden compartment in it which Seb and I found really cool.

When we finally got down from getting stuff from the 2nd floor, we met Alex, a 28 year old woman who often sang at the Friday services. When she started singing, I definitely recognized her voice as really high and Disney like with much tremolo. To be honest, I didn’t like her voice that much and it didn’t blend that well with Sebastian’s nasally-low/high voice. I didn’t like what I was hearing that I insisted to sing with them. I blended low or middle harmony with them and it turned out better than expected. Alex even complimented me saying I sounded really good. Now I wish I had recorded it… oh well, that was a cool experience—to be able to sing and play guitar for the service for the very first time. Pastor Aubrey said he has never heard the Sunday congregation sing so loudly until that day. He said we did so well. It was pretty cool.

That night, Seb went home with me and my parents (cuz Mom was in awana and Dad apparently picks us up now). I really admired how he kept the conversation going with them. I also found how interesting it is for my parents to try to keep a conversation with him. As far as I know, Mom wasn’t that awkward, but Dad lol—his voice is so soft and quiet it’s so weird. I almost can’t hear him and I’m surprised that Seb could even understand him because I’m almost embarrassed about how soft and unclear his words were. But anyway, I guess I’ve found another trait that I can add to my ideal type—someone who is able to keep an interesting conversation with my parents lol. Basically, Sebastian is pretty close already to perfectly portraying my ideal type. Biblical man, able to make dumb/savage jokes at the right mood, not too tall that I can’t see his face (ughGabewhy), healthy, somewhat outgoing, has a tendency to be chill, and overall super nice. If only he wasn’t four years younger than me, I would probably have a huge crush on him by now.

Oddly enough, I actually ship him with Christelle. It all started with both of them being salty and savage with each other in the Wildfire chat. And I guess knowing the fact that Christelle’s best friends will literally all be gone once she reaches her senior year/graduates (since she plans on taking a gap year), and knowing that Sebastian will still be here studying college at NYU, my weird brain ships them. I see a potential ship being born. They’ve become pretty close because of all the playful saltiness and savagery, but they’re also really good at supporting each other in Christ. Besides, Sebastian is a chill person like me, and a person like him (*cough* like me *cough*) would fit well with Christelle. And Christelle’s number one requirement for a partner is a good musician—out of all the musicians in the Wildfire team, he’s the one that I know can surpass me eventually.

Okay, for real though, maybe I’m just not okay with any of the guys in Wildfire to have a relationship with her. Adi has a crush on Aly so at least Adi is finally out of the picture. Gabe has a crush on me which is the weirdest thing but at least he is also one guy out of the picture for her. Nithin just got dumped by Jessica so I’m sure because of the girl code, she won’t even dare look at him that way. And I don’t even want to think about Prasanna being with Christelle. It’s like shipping Onew and TaeYeon—like what romantic connection are you even talking about? Please get that Ryan Josling Paratha out of this relationship loop for as long as he is in Wildfire. Also, Christelle finally got over Joe, which I’m glad she did because that guy is too sweet to everyone, and I think something is starting between him and Emily. Basically, my point is, she doesn’t have that many close guy friends in Wildfire. I can’t think of any potential boys in Wildfire that would fit her but Sebastian, and if I get this right, if they actually start something, I’m basically a psychic at this point. But anyway, in the end, I just don’t like seeing her with someone else. I don’t like her buddying up with other boys (sometimes even girls). Gosh, it’s annoying me how jealous I’ve become when it comes to her. I always seem to compare our relationship with her relationship with basically everyone else. It’s ridiculous. But what’s weird is that I don’t find myself jealous when she is with Sebastian. I love seeing them together for some weird reason. I’m literally their only shipper (maybe Adi too sometimes lol cuz he was there in the chat when I teased Sebastian about hitting on Christelle.) I take pleasure in watching them argue, and I feel like I’m getting back that same feeling when Edwin was here. Wow.

The next week, John Surya basically took matters to himself in the band and threw in all of the new members in one week—leaving all us experienced musicians out of the picture. Christelle was so triggered by this and came to me ranting about it. She wanted to talk to Surya about how all of this wasn’t a good idea, and we discussed what to say to him. When she finally sent Surya the message, Surya completely missed most of our point and it triggered her even more. Since I’m pretty much used to Surya’s chaotic planning, I’m letting him off just this once. But it was really funny for Christelle to dislike him even more.

On Wildfire, we played the “be in pairs and don’t have the same answer” game. I was partnered with Sarah and we could’ve won it if only one of us raised our hand for one question. But anyway, Sebastian and Christelle were partnered that day (lol I know, I shipped it so much) and there was a question where Surya said, “Who likes John Surya more?” Since I was already out that time, I didn’t have to worry about answering that, but Christelle and I looked at each other and laughed. We obviously know who should be raising their hand, and that won’t be her. The funniest part is that instead of raising her hand, she put her hand down to the floor, and Aly and I died of laughter.

After Wildfire, we went to Seashells to eat. For once in a lifetime, I was beside her even when Aly was around, and I held up Gabe’s umbrella to protect her from the sun. It was kind of funny sitting between Gabe and Christelle. At this time, I had offically relayed to Gabe how seriously I felt towards Christelle. Although he’s trust worthy, I still don’t know if telling him everything was a good idea. He kept on lowkey teasing me about it. On the other hand, I had also ranted so much about Gabe to Christelle before, so Christelle and I kept exchanging glances whenever he said something dumb. In Gabe’s eyes, I am his crush that has a crush on her. But in Christelle’s eyes, Gabe has a crush on me and had a crush on her, making him such a tiring boy to even pay attention to. Because of this, I have found my new favorite expression coming from her. It’s when Gabe starts asking questions or just talking basically, and she looks so done with him. Gabe’s too naïve to recognize that, and I’m too nice to treat him in such a way, but poor guy lol. I’m actually close with being done with him, especially when he teases me about Christelle.

After eating at Seashells, I went home with Christelle, Sebastian, and Joslin. On the way to the taxi stand, we kept on laughing about the silliest things and even got grossed out by a community of ants. And when we were on the taxi, I don’t remember what we said there, but we were laughing so much from holding in our laughter.

Anyway, since Jessica had invited a few people to hang out in her house at around 5:30, I invited Christelle and Sebastian to come home with me. All week, I’ve been trying to get Christelle to come to my home but it never happened. Finally, I got bring her home with me along with Sebastian. We came in the house with my parents sleeping lol (cuz I tried to call but no one answered. Good thing I had the keys.) We jammed in my room and listened to some old recordings. Then Christelle and Seb competed to see who had a clearer handwriting (because I had papers and pens lying around on my table). At around 5, we debated for like 5 minutes whether or not we would walk to Christelle’s house and let her change clothes before going to Jess’s house. Eventually, we just decided not to and went straight to Jess’s place. We played this word relating game that Christelle made up and it was really fun.

At Jess’s place, we played some Wii games and then watched the movie Cheaper by the Dozen. Before the movie, Christelle was sitting beside me, but after she helped Jess cook the popcorn, she sat on the floor and leaned on my legs. I literally couldn’t move my legs the whole movie. I don’t know how I survived that. After the movie, all of us were just chatting, but Christelle fell asleep on the floor because she was tired. It was cute haha.

Three days later, Monday, I was invited by Jess to come with them on the festival called “Mother of the Nations.” A few of them wildfire people have been planning to go there since Saturday and I didn’t really answer because I knew the ones going weren’t really from my friend group. Since it was Spring Break, Aly and Gabe were out of the country, and Adi had something else he was doing. And on that very day, Christelle was going to the same event but with her friends—so I didn’t really care to go (again). Besides, my parents are again skeptical about such an event called “mother of the nations,” calling it a deceptive event created by Satan to lead the world astray or some shit close to that. But since I had absolutely no excuse to reject it, especially when I just graduated from high school, I agreed to come. Again, I wanted to challenge myself to spend time with other people who weren’t really from my friend group before. Also, I couldn’t turn down Jess this time. She personally asked me to come and I’d be glad to go if she wanted me to be there.

So I went to Emily’s house and met Jess and Emily there. I got into Emily’s fancy-ass room and had a nice chat with the two girls. Then came Joe and Lee. I talked about Jack with Joe (cuz that was when I let him take the personality test) and it was so interesting because he said he also used to have an imaginary friend named Sam who he used to do everything with haha. Anyway, Sid finally came (son of one of the women I met on Leadership Conference), and then we walked to Corniche where the festival was held. When we got to the security area, they told Jessica that she can’t have her camera around and told her to go back and put it somewhere. So we walked back to Emily’s house for that and then walked back again to Corniche for the festival. We walked around the whole venue and it was nice. I hung around mostly with Lee because I could recognize that she kind of felt out of place being the youngest and somewhat being the tag-along to her brother’s friends. I also felt the same way, to be honest. I have never hung out with Emily, Jessica, Joe, and Sid like this before—I have never hung around with friends like this before. Although it was sometimes hard to understand what Lee was saying because of her somewhat Chinese accent, I found her really cute haha. She just turned 14 years old and I could see how much she lit up when she was being tended to.

But here is where I feel like the world of fates has really gone mad just to taunt me. When we came back to an area where the food trucks were, who do we find there? Jessica was recognized in that festival by too many people that I honestly wouldn’t bother much, but that familiar loud voice stopped me at my tracks.

It’s Christelle. Again. Dammit. It’s like I can’t escape her.

Sure, I was thinking about coming across Christelle in that Festival since she basically said she would go on the same day with her school friends. I was hoping I would see her, but at the same time, I was hoping I wouldn’t. But then there she was! And what got me paralyzed was that she was wearing the cookie necklace after ages of never seeing it on her. I was happy, but then again, I didn’t really come to this Festival with her and spend time with her.

And the weirdest moment was when I was trying to process that she was there and then someone covered my eyes with their hands. Someone was behind me trying to make me guess who she was. I thought it was Aly, but her hands didn’t feel like Aly’s. I was thinking maybe it was one of Christelle’s friends that I’ve met before, but that would just be so weird. I couldn’t guess who it was until Christelle said it was her mom.

HER MOM.

Her mom was teasing me? Um??? I think I will forever wonder why Christelle’s mom likes me so much, enough to treat me as her friend. SHE IS TOO SWEET TO ME AND I DON’T KNOW WHY! AUNTIE LIZ???

She even offered to bring me home if I wanted to. But since I didn’t start this day with Christelle, it would be disrespectful towards those who actually invited me to go home with Christelle instead. And besides, I wouldn’t leave Lee that easily today. I can see that she needed someone to stick with her, and I’m doing that.

So then we continued to roam around the Festival and see interesting things like Arabic Calligraphy and smelling different kinds of scents. Jessica probably came across at least 10 people who knew her that evening. At some point, Emily and Joe were talking, Jessica and Sid were talking about relationships, and I was stuck with Lee and we were complaining about relationship conversations lol. After that very time, we came across Christelle with her friends again. Then we headed back to the food truck area to eat. I ordered some expensive burgers with Emily and we were bugged about how we couldn’t tell where the server was from haha. Emily is really cute, honestly. I kept on insisting to pay for her meal since I had a huge 200 bill that probably won’t be accepted in taxi once I get home. I needed the change, but she kept insisting that I she’d pay for her own meal haha.

When we got back to our seats, we came across Christelle again. That was the third time that day. Just like that one Friday we came across each other in Al Wahda. Three times. Again, what the heck is destiny want from me to think from all of this? It’s sweet, but it’s also a little annoying.

After Emily and I finished our burgers, we also ordered a more expensive Lotus shake (the famous shake we always get at Seashells). It was a smaller cup compared to the ones at Seashell, but it did prove itself to taste better than Seashells. After we all had dinner, we just hung around and listened to the music playing. Jessica started free styling to whatever was playing and I admired her for not caring about whether other people looked or not. She just really wanted to dance. At some point, though, she managed to drag Joe to dance and oh my gosh, he was such a grandpa. His moves are so… nerdy, I guess? But since he had the looks, the Arab girls from the other tables found him really endearing and started to take videos of him hahaha.

I then went home that day with Sid since he lived near Salam Street. I’ve never really talked much with Sid before that day and it was nice to get to know him. I’ve always known him as that sporty-looking and buff guy that isn’t sporty at all. I got to see that he was quite the gentleman. Our conversations weren’t awkward cuz he was a bit talkative lol.

The next day, I went with Jessica and Laura to the Lee and Joe’s place again. We hung out with Lee along with Sarah and Keziah–like a girl’s hangout night. We played card games and then we ate spaghetti. The meatballs along with it were super huge but they were pretty good. Oh and also, Seb was there hanging out with Joe. It was nice to have him around for dinner. But anyway, we then played the Game of Life that Jessica brought and we had so much fun with that. We listened to some jams while we played and also ate ice cream. Then I went home with Laura and her dad told me he was a big fan of me. That was pretty cool–knowing I was an inspiration again. My hard work for God does pay off.

 

Split in Half

It’s been a while since I’ve written my feelings on its present day. I’ve been putting off writing so many of the events for a few months now because of the amount of emotions, lessons, and events it contains. I’ve outlined at least 10 or more blogs that I want to write but being too chronological and detailed as I am, the work it needs has become a little too much for me to handle. I’m so bad at managing my time that I just never got around to doing it, but now, I really want to go back and remember it all. And although I will try to write about them one by one, as of now, I’ll try to get as much back story as I can of these three months as I go along with my current dilemma.

So these days, I feel like I’m being grounded by God day by day to think more seriously about who I am and who God wants me to be. I definitely blame The Big Weekend for that (which happened last week) since its main theme is called “Who Am I?” I wish I had already written what has happened in that weekend, but it’s a story that’s so harmoniously mend together that I don’t want to spoil it here. The only thing I can say for now is that that weekend had such a huge impact on my life.

But what is happening these days? As I have said, I feel like this past week, I’ve been so spiritually challenged.

After The Big Weekend, somehow Chinaza (15) was able to open up her mind more to me and asked me challenging questions throughout the week. Being the sunbae that I am, and knowing how much she looked up to me as she has read and anticipates AMNESIA, I knew I had to answer her in the best way I could. It made me seriously pray to God to give me wisdom because I don’t want to lead her astray at all.

So her question’s started when she tagged me on a post in instagram with four naked girls laying down on the beach with their asses blatantly showing. This was the caption:

“mylifeaseva: So often we find ourselves in a hole because we begin to focus on what we don’t have. That very thought can consume a person until they go mad. I’m not an expert on happiness, but i think i figured out that for me, it’s all about my perspective on life. Each day i wake up and i make the conscious choice to either think “ugh, i wish i ate healthier and i wish i knew how to play the guitar and i wish, i wish, that i could make some new friends”, but instead i say “let’s get up and try a new smoothie recipe, and let me find someone to teach me something I’ve always wanted to learn, and let me say hello to a new person today and see if we have a connection”. Every moment you have is a moment to enjoy your life and take your life into your own hands. I guess that’s why i lay on a beach naked with the friends I’ve made from changing my perspective on life. I guess I lay naked in the sand to feel the life that the universe breathed into me, It’s the least i can do to thank it.”

At first I thought Chinaza was hacked because it was the first time ever for her to ever tag me in a post, let alone the post being full of naked girls. But in reality, she wanted to know my opinion about the whole post because she noticed that everyone’s views seemed to conflict.

Here’s what I had to say:

I guess in a way I do think sometimes like that but I wish more of the things that I know I can’t do or get those which I can’t have. I have the power to get up and do so but is it beneficial? There’s a verse for that somewhere in 1 Corinthians.

Chinaza replied:

THIS?

“Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food”—and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. for you were bought with a price. So  glorify God in your body.
1 Corinthians 6:13, 20 ESV

Me:

I guess that could work too but I had something else in mind

“All things are lawful” but not everything is helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up.
1 Corinthians 10:23

Of course if it was something harmless (in the eyes of God) and I was desperate enough or really wanted to do something even though it seems impossible to achieve, I’d go ask for God’s help for that

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”
Philippians 4:3

As for the last part of the post, being naked and one with the earth is a little debatable as you can thank the earth in some other beneficial way than just being naked and lying like dirt. If they really wanted their perspective changed, they would’ve helped pick up trash or something.

Chinaza:

Ahhh ookkay thanks! Soo what they’re doing isn’t wrong, essentially because it’s lawful? But to us it’s not necessarily right because it doesn’t build up?

(I don’t really care about the post… but like if kids see this.. what will become of the world? Some older ppl know better soo it’s ook. And some, like me, will just be like dangg they’re fit i should work out. But kids won’t think like that lol)

Me:

Hahah they’re having fun in their own world skinny dipping and stuff like that. It’s not wrong but yeah, it wasn’t necessary to post about it as it can bring up lust to perverts out there, or essentially corrupt a kid’s world view. But yeah, people brag about these kinds of weird things ‘cause of different reasons. I feel like they just wanna show off their assets and shove in their weird little mother earth shenanigans in there to look like they’re good people. Although they try to inspire, it’s not the best way I should say. So yeah, they’re not completey wrong in what they’re doing but it isn’t beneficial.

Chinaza:

Ahhhh… and showing their assets is them being themselves which can be linked to the who am I thing…

Me:

Yes. But they seem to have accepted too much of themselves

Chinaza:

Too much? So there is a too much?
What if they were discovering themselves and chose what themselves are to be…
If you convert it to us and the Christ thing.. is there a too much of acceptance of ourselves?

Me:

Of course, let’s say someone is gay and they say that they have found what they really are, in the view of God that isn’t good. Sin flows out of us and rebelling to God’s rules is so natural. If we accept that our nature is to sin and let it be, and even be proud of it, then that’s not good.

In the Who Am I thing, they did mention that while you are finding and accepting what your good qualities are, you should be able to also recognize your weakness.

They didn’t elaborate much on how sin is such a big part of us (and that we should strive not to live in it even if thats what makes us ‘who we are’) which is a little concerning to me but the overall message for The Big Weekened was pretty good

There is also a big debate in “this is who I am and God will love me anyway”. It’s not always good to think that it’s fine to keep living in some sin just because God is so forgiving. If He hates something, He hates the sin but not that person of course. And when you love someone, you obviously dont want to see the side that would irritate you. Even in a marriage, that accepting of sin bullcrap does not work. Love the person, but hate the sin.

Chinaza:

Hmmm… wise Mia wise.

Then she proceeded to just relay to me most of her questions.

Questions for you for my newfound blog:
1) Why do people lie?
2) Do you lie?
3) What are your thoughts on lying?
4) How would you react when you find out someone lied to you?
5) How can you stop people from lying to you?

Being the somewhat philosopher that I am, I tried to answer them all with what I believed in. They were truly challenging questions—questions I kind of think of but never really sat down to see how I actually viewed it.

Here were my answers:

  1. I think people lie because it’s our natural tendency to do so. If you’re asking about the reasons why people lie, then it’s basically just to hide the truth. Whether they had good or bad intentions to do so, it’s really just to hide truth. And sometimes, the lies that people tell aren’t just limited by words. I think I got to understand this thought clearer in The Big Weekend. Mike Gordon did a good job explaining that and I think we as a group of girls in Session 2 discussed the reasons really well, too.
  2. Man, the real question is who doesn’t, right? I don’t like lying much to people, but sometimes lies often slip out when I wanna hide something about myself. For real though, I’d rather be clever with my words and stay true while trying to avoid saying the truth than completely lie about something. I know, I know, half-truths are kinda bad in its own way, but it’s not a lie at least. Still, lies scare me ’cause I am scared of being caught doing so.
  3. I can’t think of anything else but that it’s just a mask to hide the truth. The case about whether it’s good or bad for many different situations is a long debate that’s been going on for probably centuries so I’d rather not go there right now. If there’s no situation specified, I can’t really generalize it to one specific thing. What’s interesting though is that Jesus never lied with his words or about Himself and what He was feeling. That’s always something crazy and mind-blowing to think about.
  4. It depends on the lie and who’s telling it, really. But okay, let’s say it’s a friend or just anyone really close to me. If it is one simple little lie, I wouldn’t be too bothered and I’d forgive that person if they confessed to me about it, ‘cause that’s what God does. Now that I think about it… If they didn’t confess and I just happened to find it out myself, it would bother me a little. So I guess I would confront them about it. If it’s lying to protect me, I’d actually be touched, but there will probably be a point where it will irk me and I’d want to know the truth.

If it’s lying about something big, or maybe a situation, then that would be more complicated. The thing about me is that I’m too understanding and I try to see good in people most of the time. If I loved the person who lied to me, I would blame myself first which isn’t really the best thing to do unless I really had something to do with it. But if I can’t really take doing that anymore and woke up from the own lies my own brain will make about myself, then I’d confront the person about it. If that person actually came clean, made me understand why they did it, and said sorry in their sincerest way, I would forgive them. But yeah, if they didn’t, it’ll be hard to deal with that.

The decisions depend on the situations, but I guess the main thing here is that I’d be hurt. It’s either they didn’t trust me enough to handle the truth, or they’re just plainly not the person I thought they were. So it’s either they lied during the moment for reasons, or they’ve been lying about themselves since the very beginning.

  1. There are quite a few verses where it says, “Treat others as you want to be treated.” It took me way too long to realize how well this works. I only found how true this is last year. One example I could say is how Christelle and I became close friends. She’s the first ever person I was able to open so much to because she opened up to me. She trusted me with her thoughts, and because of that I trusted her with mine. Because of that trust, I could see how much honesty she was willing to drop on me. So when there was a time that I lied to her to protect her, I couldn’t keep it in too long because it literally made me feel terrible to betray that trust, even if I had good intentions. When I had told her about that lie a week after I lied to her, I made her understand why I said whatever I said, and ever since then, we haven’t been able to lie to each other. In a way, because of that, we’ve become incapable of betraying that trust. If we ever lied to each other, it’d be somewhat easy to tell. Although I’m pretty sure there are truths we are keeping from each other, if it’s not brought up, then it’s not a lie. It’s just a truth that’s not ready to be said. But yeah, all I’m saying is there has to be that mutual understanding, love, and trust if you don’t want to be lied to.

I think understanding someone in their vulnerability is a vital part as well. People won’t be able to tell you the truth the next time they become vulnerable if your response makes them feel even worse, unloved, or misunderstood. If there’s no understanding and gentleness to your replies, they’ll pick up on that. It’s like a child that can predict how a usually angry parent will answer. They will have their lies ready when they know they won’t be understood and be off the hook unless they say or act out what the parent wants to see in them. But if the parent is there to understand them for who they are, and be gentle yet also firm and strict when necessary, kids pick up on that as well. They would be more honest and comfortable with their thoughts and dreams to their parents because they know they have a safe place for it. They wouldn’t have to lie about anything if they have that trust and understanding built.

The next day, she asks me another question.

Chinaza:

Is it wrong to give in to temptation, and know you’re giving in. Like you’re aware of it and you choose to accept it and give in to the temptation and bask yourself in it, but it’s not a struggle because you willingly gave in…..?

Me:

1 Thessalonians 5:22 “Abstain from all appearance of evil.” I think we’ve discussed the difference between trials and temptations in Wildfire before. While I don’t fully remember all that was said then, I don’t think it’s right to give in to temptations. But what is a temptation anyway? Temptation (as said in wikipedia) is a desire to engage in short-term urges for enjoyment, that threatens long-term goals. As people are different, each have different sets of temptations and trials before them. Temptations to each individual are what make us lose control of what was considered right.

Let’s say you just got out of surgery and the doctor said you can’t eat anything yet, but you snuck in some snacks and ate them because of how hungry you were. Although you loved giving into it, it will harm you eventually. Although it was very good for that moment and you had no care for future consequences, the harm done would take more pain and effort to heal. If there was patience, self-control, and trust in the doctor’s word, then you would’ve been healed quicker and enjoyed more of that snack.

I feel like giving into some temptation, whether or not you willingly did it and even enjoyed it, will give birth to negative consequences either way. Because in many occasions, when you give into a temptation, you will be tempted to do so again and again until it numbs you. You won’t struggle any more while doing it because you would get used to it, but you will struggle on a whole lot of other problems, big or small, or both at the same time. I think, from my observation, the moment it numbs you and you accept it for what it is, it will help you refuse what is actually right for your life. Your whole being will come up with excuses to justify it and that thought process is definitely something to be careful about. It’s like being obese and not doing anything about it. When you accept that you eat junk and only junk, then obviously you’re putting your health and life at stake in many ways.

But what is right? Right and wrong always looks like a shade of gray rather than it being a solid black and white. That’s why it’s always good to study the Bible to have a clearer sense of where the right lands on. It’s also important to ask Him to open your eyes for what exactly he had placed in your life as a temptation (or any sin in general), to discern between what is right and wrong, and for Him to help you get through it. Of course, if you don’t want to let it go, then that means you’re not ready. God would understand that for He is patient that way but if God is constantly grinding you and calling you to wake up, things will get worse the more you postpone it, so surrendering to Him and being honest with Him about it early in the sin should be a move that you have to make.

One of my favorite verses is 1 Cor. 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” And I love Him so much for this. Always try to look for that way out. It’s not at all easy to get over temptations or deep-rooted sins and I’m sure some takes more time to dig out than others. But he puts them there to see whether we will listen to His word or not and act on them, and to test our abilities and improve our characters. If you’re wondering why that is, I could simply just say it’s for His glory. Maybe other wiser men of God have a better answer for that. I don’t fully understand God’s ways in handling our lives this way, but it is very overwhelming and cool to me when I see Him as the writer of my life. If he’s putting me through something or gives me a temptation I have to conquer, that means He has a lot of things planned for the future, either for myself or for someone in/will be in my life.

She then thanks me for all of that and starts asking me opinions about what is best for her blog. I gladly helped her because I felt she was doing a good thing to start a blog for teenagers like herself. But anyway, that same day, she asked a question she didn’t even know how to ask.

Chinaza:

Okay i got another thing for you to think about… sooo I was texting Gabe and like he said “accept who you are”

And I’m like accepting and acknowledging are different to me. I’ve acknowledged who I am but I don’t want to accept me because I want to change. If I accept me then I’ll be less inclined to change?

For example, I kinda stopped exercising because I accepted my body. So I acknowledged it before as being ok and mildly fit. Then I began to accept it after girls at school started complimenting and were like I love your body and I wish I had your body n stuff. So after that I accepted. And stopped exercising all together, because I didn’t see any reason to because my body is already fit and perfect like they said.

Idk what my question to you is but it’s another thought process of mine soo it’ll go on my blog at some point 🙂

Idk I guess my question is like accepting who you… yeah.. i don’t know lol

Me:

I think I get where you wanna get to though. You have accepted yourself and is finally not obliged to change or improve. That’s why you stop exercising. There’s nothing at all wrong with that. The only case about this is do you want to treat your body well or not. At some point you will have to start doing it again. But I don’t think it is a sin not to do so. However, God did say we are His temple, so we do have to maintain it somehow. But whether or not we are in perfect health, the more important case is that our mind and spirit should be, because that is what runs our church, not the building. But of course, the building itself has its own role to contribute to the spirit of the church, because the bigger and stronger it is, the more it can do, give and take in. And In order for our minds and spirits to be healthy, (aside from the emotional and spiritual needs) the things we do and take in physically, do have an effect to how our brain, body, and moods will function. So I guess the conclusion here is to accept what God made you to be, His child or His servant, and acknowledge the flaws that need to be changed because of the harm that it can actually cause to either yourself or someone else.

So my mom has a really good insight in accepting who are. She said that we have to be careful of this pop-culture thinking of accepting of who are because it is so self-centered. Our focus should be God and that we shouldn’t be fully satisfied with ourselves when looking at Him. We should always strive to get the best version of ourselves for Him. We have to judge ourselves not with the standards of others, but with the standard of God.

Chinaza replies the next day:

Ahh woah.. that’s so well put 😀 thanks

I have another question (sorry for bombarding you everyday haha):

When you said earlier to study the bible, what does that mean?

I’ve been hearing people say that all throughout my life but never made any effort to because I didn’t care much. I did AWANA and verse memorizing and bible quizzes as a child. But I think to ‘study the bible’ means something different at an older age.

Like in school for literature, we analyze books and how the writers write and the true meaning of the message and different interpretations. I thought to study meant to just read the bible, but I’m not getting much out of it.

And like if I approached it the way I approach novels, then I’d approach it critically and question things. If I were to do that, then that would take up lots of time, just like studying does, and I’ll give up in the end due to lack of time.

And then again, the bible is huge. Idk where to start to start analyzing and being critical orrr I should continue to read it as a story?

Me:

Haha don’t be sorry for asking questions. This feels like a challenging Bible study to me and I’d love to find out myself what the answer to the questions are

Speaking of Bible study, I don’t think it has to be complicated, really. I did AWANA as well and there are verses in my schoolwork to memorize for the past 7 years, but I am very weak at memorizing the references. If you’re asking about how to study, of course pointing randomly somewhere in the Bible is not at all a helpful thing all the time. If you have a problem or a praise, you can look it up in the internet and find a verse or a chapter for it. And you dont have to stress about giving up all your time. The least God wants is 10% of it. And to be very honest, I don’t even like reading because it is so time consuming and too much effort for me, but I’ve been reading through the Bible since it requires me of my schoolwork and I’ve never been so happy to do so. Although it is very nice to learn a lot about the history, theology, and the amazing stories God has placed, looking at it in a technical way will surely tire you out. The most important thing is to see Who God is. That’s not always easy, but if you pray for God to show you and tell you what you need to hear and take to heart what you are taught and what you read, He will give it to you as He gave wisdom to Solomon. Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find. See, I don’t even know the reference to that but I know God has said it before. But yeah, it’s about getting to know who God is as Someone you love and not just learning about what He said or what role He played in history, although that is a step to getting to know Him. When you love someone, don’t you want to get to know them more? About who they are, what they did, and what they will be doing? And there are times when you won’t understand the person you love, but if you ask them about it, you will get answer one way or another.

This is what Chinaza asked me on Thursday:

So I’m proof-reading and editting my blog and found that I posed a question which was left unanswered. And the question is Is not telling the whole truth to someone bad? Does that count as lying? Because like you tell them part of the truth but they don’t question you or say please be honest like parents for example. So is not telling the whole truth counted as lying?

When she asked this, it was so on timing because I was currently struggling with it. Jessica has invited me to watch her dance for her school’s talent show, but I didn’t like how it was from 5 to 10 PM so I chose not to go. The problem is I didn’t have a good excuse. I couldn’t simply tell her that I didn’t want to come because of all the friends she could’ve invited, she included me, and I didn’t want our friendship to be bitter if she knew I just didn’t want to come (and one of the reasons being that her dance didn’t impress me, so it didn’t feel like it was worth my time. I know… it goes to show the lack of love I have towards her as a friend, and I didn’t want her to know that). I couldn’t tell her I was busy because Christelle and Aly had the real definition of busy running in their everyday lives. I had absolutely no good excuse that I asked my mom and dad to help me make up a reason. Eventually I told her what my mom had told me to tell her: that I had somewhere to go with my parents for Thursday, that’s why I couldn’t come. But what did we do on Thursday? Lay around watching Two Days One Night. So the half-truth that I wished I had relayed to Jessica has become a complete lie. Although my introvert, phlegmatic self is happy with finally getting a time to be lazy with my parents again after such a long time of me just being set on tending to my friends, it still irks me to this day that I had to go to such lengths just to lie or say a half-truth just so that I wouldn’t turn out to be a bad friend for Jessica. It felt like such a low moment for me even though I didn’t feel remorseful about it at all. The contradiction inside me was too strong.

So two days later, after calming my heart down to think seriously about Chinaza’s question, I said:

This is actually a very challenging question for I got tested by God recently about this ever since you asked. At first I couldn’t organize my thoughts because I wasn’t sure of the right answers at all, but I’m here now a few days later, trusting that God has revealed to me the answer, otherwise scold me if I am wrong. So now, to answer if half-truths are bad or not, I think depends on the situation. When an adult tells a young child about something that he/she isn’t supposed to know, let’s say an adult joke or something, the answer would often either be a lie or a half-truth/not the full picture. Now, that’s not exactly considered a bad thing as you are protecting the child from knowing such information until he/she is of the right age to understand them fully. However, I feel it is always better to tell a half-truth than a lie when it comes to protecting someone for their own good. For example, when a child asks, “how are babies made” or “where do they come from,” saying babies come from storks is a complete and utter lie than saying that God has chosen to bless the parents with a child. Sex was left out of the picture, but it is true that God created the baby first.

Now, it says in the Ten Commandments, “Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor.” It’s interesting how it didn’t say, “thou shalt not lie.” In a court, people can do many things to hide the truth, even without lying, right? Put the guilty or the false witness on a lie detector and they can technically say nothing but the truth, but it can be cheated on by being selective of what truth they chose to relay. That’s why in a court or process of a trial, there are interrogators and prosecutors to ask questions that would help get the whole truth out. That can be embodied through the rebuke of pastors, parents, and anyone who recognizes the hidden sin, but the important thing to watch out for is if they are placed by God to do so. Anyway, if it’s hiding something bad/otherwise not presentable about yourself to save yourself, then yes it’s a bad thing. Doing so will add to/drag out a problem that could have otherwise been solved quickly. And since it is a half-truth or not the whole truth, rather than it being lying, it’s being deceitful.

The word “deceitful” is a synonym of the word “liar”, but its other synonyms are insincere, untrustworthy, cunning, sly, scheming, misleading, and many others. It’s more than just lying. If whoever you are hiding things from does not ask you about something negative about you/something that you’ve done, but is directly related to them and their trust towards you, then hiding it from them will make you deceitful and all its synonyms. If and when your parents demand the whole truth and you avoid doing so, it is not just being deceitful but also being disobedient. A very important reminder for our everyday lives is that God knows everything that is hidden within our hearts. If you are not sure of what is good and what is bad concerning the lies that you make, especially selective honesty, then pray/talk to Him about it and let Him judge you for every move you chose to make. The safest thing is to sincerely and honestly repent to Him and make things right when your conscience cannot take holding guilt to something you have done, lest you be stubborn and let Him reveal it to the world unpleasantly before you without your control, making it a harder to reverse. For truth will reveal itself one way or another, through honesty or justice. Nothing is a secret before God.

A good mentality to have is Psalm 51:4 which says, “Against You, You only, I have sinned And done what is evil in Your sight, So that You are justified when You speak And blameless when You judge.” God is a God of righteousness and judgment, and fearing Him is one way to stop lying. To be honest, I feel like if you are remorseful of just any sin in general, and you wish to be right with God but circumstances and pride makes it hard for you to do so, the first step is to fully trust Him with that problem. Fear that He can judge you, but also trust that He loves you and wants you to be purified. Pray for him to find ways for you to get out and to conquer the sins he wants you to conquer, because you cannot change at all without His help.

Chinaza’s questions felt like they were personally hitting me at my core. The more I tried to find out the answers in God’s eyes, the more I felt like I was reminding myself of what I should believe in. Because even though my spirit is so set and stable on what the right thing is, it’s not at all easy to go through with them when the trials and temptations come. I’ve come to realize that God has revealed so much to me and has blessed me with such an open thought process, but I’ve also realized that He is seriously testing me and grinding me at the same time.

After hearing most of my friend’s stories about their everyday lives, I can see how God works in their lives with the conflict between their friends. But for me who refuses stress and gets along with almost everyone, the antagonist in my life is only myself, and that’s the hardest thing. I feel like these days, I’ve been split in half—the good and the good-looking bad tugging at my limbs back and forth and making wars inside my heart every single day.

One sin that have shaped me too much is being indolent. Right now, it’s important for me to speed up the work I’ve piled on myself. I have to finish my school work before the last possible days, and I can’t stand to be lazy now. And it’s not just school, to be honest. This laziness has gripped me too much that I can’t even find the time to do the things I actually love. I guess just knowing the fact that I can do so much but have no time for it stresses me out that in the end I’d rather just scroll through my phone or sleep. And I hate it. I hate it so much. I want to get up and do things. I really want to.

But my biggest problem right now is that my affection for Christelle has bloomed into something that shouldn’t have. Even now, I’m still so fearful of writing about this, but I don’t want to keep lying to myself about this. Again, I’m split in half.

Although I have finally conquered that mentality that I should always have her in any given event and that I can actually deal and socialize without having her around, there’s a much bigger problem at hand now. Ever since Carols of the Desert, I think I have fallen for her way more than I should have. And now, two months later, I know that what I’m feeling isn’t just simply a crush anymore. It has grown too big that I ask God bitterly why this has to occur now. I really thought I was over this when I got over Centine, but now, another person starting with the letter C has taken up way too much space in my head. This level is much harder now for this time, it concerns my best friend.

I’m in love with her in the sense that if I read  1 Corinthians 13:4-6, her name would pop up in my head and I would agree with every single word in that verse. I’m in love with her in the sense that in whatever she does, whether it’d be stupid, ambitious, or even just staying still beside me in the car or taxi, I’d be breathless and think how lucky I have been to be able to love and be loved back by her. I validated this thought of loving her for some time because I didn’t lust for her, but little did I know that it was only a matter of time. The dangerous part has come. I became too in love with her now in the sense that I want to be close to her physically. When I am with her, I want to get every chance of a hug as I can get—and holding her hand would mean everything. It seems so innocent if it’s just that, but I’m more calculative about every move concerning this than I should be. Being calculative about it helps me have self-control, but there are just times when I put meaning into every touch that I do hoping she would feel some way towards it. I cringe at myself just thinking about it now. But what’s worse is that when I am just by myself thinking about her, I unconsciously daydream about kissing her. The moment the images start in my brain, I continue it and feed it to my liking as if it was some highly-anticipated fan-fiction. At first I tried to brush it off as a weird ‘what if’ that my writer of a brain likes to do (totally blaming some of the fanfics I have read for this, and especially the Life Is Strange game), but it bothered my spirit the more it happened. It got so bad to the point that she once sent a photo in our MAJ!C group chat with her lips covered in milk after eating cereal, and instead of it being goofy, funny, and disgusting, the first thought that came to mind was that she was so cute and that I wanted to kiss her to wipe that milk away.

I seriously scared myself the second I thought of it. I couldn’t believe how quickly that desire popped out in my head. I wish I could say I was only joking to myself, but I wasn’t.

If you think about it in a sense of a normal relationship, the progression of my love for her feels totally normal and understandable. But we’re just best friends. We’re both girls. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to feel jealous every time she pays more attention to Aly. I don’t want to look at her like she was mine to begin with. God gave her to me and I can’t defile His gift like this. Besides, I feel nothing but pain knowing she won’t ever love me back the same way I love her. And if she did love me back the same way, there would be even more pain because I do not want to harm both our spirits like that.

How has it come to this? God, how? It’s not like I wanted to fall in love with her. And what’s worse is that this affection for her was a slow and gradual build that has rooted itself deep within me. Her mother shipped us way too much. The guys in Wildfire always say we’re such couple goals. And what’s worse is that Christelle herself has agreed with me that her future husband should be like a guy version of me. Our personalities match so perfectly that I sometimes feel I’ve found my soul mate right before me. If it was an alternate reality, if I was only a guy, then I would marry her in a heartbeat. I really would… These little things have gotten through my head. I wish it didn’t.

Falling in-love or loving her in every aspect and every way, not just in lust or casual immature love… I completely understand now how people says it beats any gender. Although it is painful, falling in love is so sweet and it opens up a completely new world. But because I know God, I fear for my life. I know I just have to be strong and stand my ground for at least a few more months because once I go to Korea, she’ll be out of my reach. But it’s also a problem knowing that the time I left with her is so short because I am inclined to make sure that I get the point straight to her that I loved her so deeply. Naturally, this results to me unable to keep my thoughts away from the desires of my flesh, and it gets harder the more time passes. But then again, the thought comes back. Just a few months left. I’ll be out of here. God knew this would happen to me and has purposely planned for me to go to Korea as a way for my escape.

1 Cor. 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

One of the worst things ever about this is that I have revealed so much of my feelings to Gabriel, who by the way apparently has a crush on me now (I know, it’s weird). He has known too well how much I love Christelle, and he also knows my history of girl crushes. He teases me about me being gay sometimes, especially when I playfully flirt with Christelle in the Wildfire spam, but I just recently found out that he doesn’t actually think I am in-love with her in the sense that I want to kiss her. Actually, he thought of it, but I replied to him vaguely in gifs and now he thinks I just love her deeply as a friend. It surprised me to think that he didn’t actually know and understand the truth about me after all that I’ve said to him. It made me realize how much of an idiot he is, or I guess he just can’t read between the lines. Although Gabe and I are so close and we can talk almost about anything, the fact that he’s so slow into catching onto things and somewhat encourages the sins I do not want to pay attention to bothered me. He was not spiritually strong right from the start, so I couldn’t trust him anymore with my super personal and spiritual struggle knowing he would confuse my feelings even more. Christelle was right. I really need to distance myself from him in some sense.

To be honest, I have asked God if telling Gabriel the truth about this was the right thing. The feelings inside me have been so cramped in that I felt really suffocated. He was the only one I could actually talk about Christelle in such light, but at the same time, as I said, I couldn’t trust him anymore because he lacked wisdom and discernment to handle it. I definitely don’t want to keep lying about this to him, and I had strong urges to just get it out (especially after Chinaza has basically asked me challenging questions about lies and being yourself. See how well all these things are mending together this week?).

Oddly enough, every time I had such an urge to finally admit it to him, time would forbid us and he would say goodnight before I could even start. It happened for maybe 3 consecutive nights. I never got through with it. It made me wonder if God was saying not to admit it to him. So I waited and prayed, saying that I can’t keep it in, and that I had to say it to someone somehow. I even asked if it was right to admit this to Christelle, because of all people, I didn’t want to lie to her—though I knew and feared that admitting so will change so many things about us negatively. I definitely didn’t want us to change. I want everything to stay as is except for my feelings. So telling her right now is too much of a gamble.

But now, I’ve got it out. Laura knows.

Although Laura is just 14, she has struggled with being bi at some point in her life and she still is struggling with it. But the thing that I like about her is that she knows it is wrong and she doesn’t like herself being like this. I’ve known this about her since the early days of this AWANA school year and I never really admitted much about my own personal struggle to her—how much I can relate to her. I was just always listening to her side of the story, looking at her as if she was like my carbon copy. She even somewhat talked like me in some sense, our humor is closely related, her faith is deep-rooted and strong, and she can draw. Whenever I see and talk to her, I always felt like I was watching myself from a different perspective. She was like a living piece of my real personality.

She asked me today (Sunday) about who I found was most attractive in Wildfire. I asked her if she meant guys or girls, and she freaks out saying guys of course. Since I see attraction in both genders, I just played along and said that Joe and Sebastian are the top most attractive guys in Wildfire. I didn’t elaborate why because she immediately agreed with me on Joe.

In terms of appearance, Joe was the most handsome and most decent out of all the guys in Wildfire. Christelle had a crush on him before for a good reason. It got turned down though when she found out that Joe is actually doing long-distance with someone in the U.S. lol. But anyway, I also added in Sebastian in there because I’ve gotten to know and be comfortable with him more ever since The Big Weekend. Recently just this Friday, Emily has invited people in her house and I found myself leaning to his company out of everyone because I didn’t have Christelle or Aly. We weren’t so much interested in the card games they played in the rooftop and just jammed that afternoon—just the two of us singing praises in the midst of everyone. We were in our own world and I enjoyed it so much. Since he’s growing up and becoming more handsome now, I guess I can’t help but notice him more. Aside from knowing how spiritually stable he is in his faith (which is super attractive), he has improved so much in being a musician, and he has also been more playful now than he was before, making him an actual man possible to date before my eyes. And he’s so easy to talk to as well. If only he was nearer my age—then I would have totally had a crush on him now. But yes, if I had to come with an actual ideal type now, it’d be a mixture of him and Christelle. Basically their characteristic’s love child is my dream spouse now hahaha.

Anyway, before I get super side-tracked, I then asked Laura to tell me who the most attractive girl in Wildfire. She said it’s either Jessica or Emily, but in her opinion, if she truly had to choose, it would be Christelle. I totally agreed with her on that one. Then she asked me of my opinion. Since I got a weird look from her when I agreed with her about Christelle being the most attractive, I tried to think about it a little longer than she did. And so, I replied that Sarah (Pastor Jeramie’s daughter) is the most attractive in terms of appearance (because damn, that girl is too tall and anything looks good on her like she is some model), but in terms of the overall package, it was Christelle. I explained to her that in terms of spirituality, personality, and appearance in general, Christelle was the most attractive.

And this is where it starts. She joked if I was gay and could only look at her and laugh it off with a “no.” But it mentally destroyed me that I lied to her at that very moment. Again, Chinaza’s question about lies has seriously affected me that I’m overflowed with guilt every time I do so. Besides, I was being so obvious for the whole damn conversation, and it’s not like Laura is dumb enough not to assume that about me. I didn’t want her to have a wrong perception of me at all. And I’m someone she looks up to. I wanted to be a trust-worthy friend and an honest leader. So literally about 10 seconds after I said no, I whispered to her, “To be honest, I kind of am.” I can’t forget the emotional shock that went through her as we walked from the main hall to our Trek room.

And so, I explained to her in a note about my feelings. We talked about it all evening, discussing the similar feelings that we were going through, and that there’s this split in ourselves that loves it but at the same time hates it. I was even able to reveal that yes, I’ve wanted to kiss a girl as well (didn’t admit yet that it was Christelle tho), because she herself has had that urge before. Seron (12 year old girl who is the most talkative and strongly opinionated in the class) kept asking us what we were talking about but this is literally such a hard topic to explain and understand unless you are going through it yourself. Still, Laura and I talked openly but in careful terms. We discussed how we hated that very sin that gripped us and that we both wished God would help us get over it.

What kind of opened my eyes is that Laura was still very sensitive about this and that she was actually so stressed and emotional that she was this way. Meanwhile, although I am struggling as well, I’m less sensitive about this than I was the first times around. Because I feel like I can control myself to some extent, I feed my feelings from time to time. But it seems I’ve numbed myself to some of the things I’ve been doing. Seeing her sensitivity towards the whole thing made me think more seriously about my views. There really has to be serious change in order for me to completely stop feeling such things.

I feel like it was a very good thing for us to have admitted our feelings and talk seriously about it with a discerning heart. I honestly could talk about it with her all day because I still had so much more to say–so much more to get out of my chest. An hour just wasn’t enough. But it was a good start. There’s so much I want to relay to her and I could tell she feels the same. We need to help each other get through this.

I truly felt like a burden was lifted off of me and I legit felt so dizzy on the way home from AWANA. I don’t know how that became the effect, but I guess I’ve been holding it in for too long that getting it out to someone who completely understood me liberated me. And I thank God so much for that.

I’m just going to put this here to constantly remind myself:

Ephesians 4

17 Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. 18 They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. 19 They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. 20 But that is not the way you learned Christ!— 21 assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, 22 to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, 23 and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, 24 and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil. 28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Ephesians 5 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), 10 and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. 11 Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. 12 For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. 13 But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, 14 for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says,

“Awake, O sleeper,
    and arise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”

 

15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

 

Best Friend

DEC 1, 2017

Christelle called me her best friend today.

She was talking to Adi and mentioned me as her best friend. This. Honestly I have nothing else to say. This is it, the highlight of this week. I feel like I’ve seen snow fall for the first time. I am someone’s best friend. Christelle considers me as her best friend.

I’ve always said to Gabe (boi who ships us so damn much) that Christelle might not think of me as such because she has other friends. I’ve always said that she probably isn’t obsessed with me as I am with her. And while that one is probably true, our thoughts about what we were to each other don’t seem far of from what I thought.

All week, after being with her at the park, for some reason I had turned into this person who feels so lovesick without her. I had this strong desire to see her every day or at least have some attention from her. But since I don’t ever know when she is online, I rely on posting on IG for her to notice me. If she liked my photo, I’d feel so happy. If she talks to me on whatsapp, coming from a person who’s never online, It makes me so happy.

But anyway, this Wednesday, I became really excited to see her. And by excited I mean I really had butterflies in my stomach. I just couldn’t wait to see her for no particular reason. If I had to give a reason, then it’d be her smile, her laugh, her dorky expressions, her stuttering breakdowns–I was going to see and hear them again.

Maybe it was because instead of riding taxi as I usually did to practice, I waited at a bus stop for Christelle (along with her mom) to pick me up. I rode with them to church that Wednesday for the first time as her mother had suggested a week ago. Even though we all didn’t really converse much, the atmosphere in the car was chill. They truly felt like family and they kinda treated me as if I was theirs as well. Ahh, starting the afternoon with her was nice.

During practice, whenever everyone started talking and getting sidetracked from the practice, I would stare at her to help me get everyone’s focus back together. Without me even asking her to tell me, just by eye contact, she knew what I was thinking. Then after practice, she got really really excited when I played her favorite Young The Giant songs that she always says I should learn. It’s like a moment only for the two of us since nobody knew those songs. I guess that’s a big reason why she really loves me now, because I learned so much of her favorite songs just for her.

I also have such a good memory. Like I still remember how she didn’t celebrate National Day with her family at Ronali’s house last year because she was supposed to study, and it’s the same situation this year. She couldn’t even remember that, but I did, and she was so impressed. She seems to like how much I know or remember so much about her–how much I know her. It’s probably another big reason why she loves me.

Tbh it’s probably because I spoil her too much XD Or maybe it’s cuz I’m so chill that she finds the calm that she needs me since she freaking out most of the time haha

Recently I have been trying to hug her more and be affectionate with her more because I can’t take restraining myself anymore. I know it sounds weird if I say it that way, but really, it shouldn’t be. I’m just a naturally affectionate and clingy person and she kind of isn’t, that’s why I used to stop myself when it came to her. And honestly, having such a distant image from everyone now, I haven’t been as upfront with it as I could be. But now, with her, I try to go for it when I can. Do you know how happy I was being able to hold her hand for such a long time today? We played the pulse game in Wildfire today and I was able to intertwine my hands with her, and for once she didn’t have a sweaty hand xD. I’ve always wanted to hold her hand, hug her arm, lean on her, or any of those intimate shenanigans for no particular reason, so I guess that was somewhat doable. But anyway, after the sermon ended, I was able to hug her by her waist while I was sitting and she was standing, and it was in such a weird position but she went for it anyway. It was so unnatural but intimate that I liked it.

I feel like it only started to show now how much she considered me as her best friend. When Jessica was gathering people in a straight line for the pulse game so that everyone could be grouped into two, I was one of the last people to get in line. She was already in line when she called me so excitedly, and she told me to go in front of the guy in front of her so that we could be grouped together. I don’t know if she was ever like this towards me before today but I just started to notice now and haha… I guess we are best friends after all. Cuz I mean I thought she would want to do that with Alicia too, but no, she only told me to do that.

Hm. I still remember the last time this kind of thing happened,

“….I felt absolutely hurt by the way my friends were acting (I guess that’s why I wasn’t the most cheery going home). In the morning, it was all good, but after rehearsals and everything, I started getting the feeling that I was slowly going back to the lonely person that I am. Sure, I have friends, and I can joke around with them every now and then, but it seems I can never have one person for myself, one person who I can share anything with, who would always choose to stick by my side. When Chris said that we were going to be divided in groups of two, my two most beloved friends told me to sit between them so that they can be paired in the same team. They probably meant no harm with that, but I was just offended.

Little things like that depress me. I want to be with them as much as they want to be with each other but I guess I’m never anyone’s best friend. I just have no idea what I’m doing wrong. Is there a problem with me? Am I not trying hard enough? Am I not giving them enough attention? I would like to think that they do care about me, but what is that at this point when neither of them has ever read the story I wanted them to read so badly? And they go to me just to jam songs, like I’m nothing beyond my talents. I want to know them and I want them to know me, but I guess this is my fate in high school after all… I’m never anyone’s best friend.”

This was just back in March 2017 and it was about Christelle and Jessica. This really hurt me a lot then. But now. Hah. Did God just… wow. Man, He knows me too well. Seriously, those thoughts feel like a thing that occurred so long ago even though it only happened this year. How greatly things have changed.

If I told myself in the early months of 2017 the things that are happening now, she probably wouldn’t believe me.

And just to refresh my mind about God answering prayers, here’s a bit that I wrote somewhere in 2015:

“…Of course, if someone actually made the effort to try to get to know me or get closer to me, I’d be good to them and open up to them because I don’t want them to feel the same way I have been feeling for the past few years—ignored and treated as nothing special. But has anyone really listened to me and took the time to be friends with me? Hah, no… I want a friend of my own—a friend that I could call mine and a friend who would call me hers/his… I want to have a friend of my own.”

When I read this, I laughed and soon enough I had tears pulsing out of me. Has anyone listened to me and took time to be friends with me? Yes. Do I have a friend of my own? Yes. And I have more than one, which is crazy. But do I have a friend that I could call mine and that calls me hers? Well, I do now.

Fond

Seohyun by YoMiatotToday, mom showed me the new website they’ve been working on for the past month. I haven’t really been that interested when they said they wanted me to help, but I see now how much help they need. First of all, the website looked terrible. It’s like an ad that I’d immediately want to close. Fonts were bad. Layouts were plain and boring. Titles were dull. And there were grammar defects here and there. Being an OC in making pleasing websites, it was pretty easy to point out what their business page was lacking. Mom wanted me help and I’d be fired up to do so because it just bothers me that it looked too much like an ad.

But anyway, other than the fact that I was pointing out their mistakes and not doing my actual school work, today was a great day.

The first thing great about it is that the morning I woke up, I had a message from Alicia asking me if I was going to come to the band. And she said “pls come :)” mind u she sent this text at 6am. Since there is gonna be a church out picnic thing, Wildfire was cancelled so our initial plan to lead the band was cancelled as well. But Jordan wanted us band members to just jam for this Wednesday. Now, I was never close to Alicia at any point before we started practicing for Open Mic. I only met her once before it, and that was when I found that she was the girl that was joining the spam in the wildfire chat group. It was even just this week that we actually messaged each other on whatsapp, especially cuz Christelle told us to lead band and plan stuff together. But anyway, that text she sent at 6am just made me feel so loved for some reason. “Are you coming for practice today? Pls come :)”  It seems she’s gotten quite fond of me. And for a person who likes emojis, she used a type text emoji, something that seems out of the blue for her. Or maybe I’m just thinking way too much into this. My main point is, her text made me look forward to jamming with her. It brightened my day and I only just woke up.

Around the afternoon, I got a text from Gabe and I was so happy to chat with him again. He has not had wifi for a few days so my nights were pretty silent. But seriously, I never thought I’d feel like my day wasn’t complete without his rush of thoughts. I got so used to talking to him everyday that when he was suddenly gone for a few days, I felt like I had to talk to someone, anyone (hence me actually joining Wildfire chat spam and also chatting up Alicia). But really, no one can beat him with his stream of ideas.

As soon as we started talking, he told me about this story idea that he had, like a fanfiction about him. It’s about a successful single business man who decides to adopt a girl. When the girl is at her teens, they argue about something big that the girl leaves the house and the dad goes looking for her, but he gets into an accident. It’s somewhere along the lines of that story and I was helping him shape it into a better and more detailed story. He said he doesn’t want to write it though and said that I can write it and make it my story if I want. Since I really like the idea and the plot, I will try to take some time to think and write about that. It’s funny though because since the guy was based off in him, I wondered what it’d be like if I put in myself, Christelle, Edwin, and others on the story. I even thought of Christelle as being a dead wife or gf of his from his past to make it all the more tragic xD.

But anyway, while we were discussing his views on what the guy’s reasons for adopting were, we kind of ended up on the topic of marriage. He’s always saying that he will stay single forever. And yeah I guess that is good if he really dedicates himself to God, but I doubt that he would not find someone to marry because he has such a history of falling in love lol. So i was just trying not to let him have bad views on marriage and was helping shape him into a man of God even though he still has such a long way since he’s so naive. I even sent him this manhood sermon my mom sent me a week ago. Idk if he listened to it but anyway, God will deal with him and his views relationships XD.

Since we were just jamming today, I brought my acoustic guitar. I didn’t feel like playing bass (for once in my life lol) and just wanted to jam and sing songs with everyone else. When I entered the room, Alicia and Christelle greeted me. It felt unreal that I got not one, but two girls, warmly excited to see me. I have two girl best friends now. This must be a dream, right? It was already unbelievable to me that God somehow keeps Christelle and I so close together. Now I have another friend I’m starting to care seriously about who admires me back? If I told myself 3years ago, or heck, just last year, that I was gonna have friends who I will love that will actually love me back the same way, I wouldn’t even believe myself. God is good.

Hahah, anyway, when were just taking out our instruments, Christelle decided to borrow Alicia’s guitar. She was so cute being so excited to play the guitar. I taught her how to play How He Loves cuz it only had 4 chords and she already got it down really well. Her strumming, although kinda uncoordinated, is very powerful already and if she practiced more, she’d be the next Ethan of this band xD.

Anyway we sang songs so loosely and I just loved it. I was so happy every moment of it. We even sang Vapor but with a full band and mashed it up with With Everything like the time Christelle and I lead before. And even though I got a lil off singing on some parts, I didn’t care. I was just so happy and I felt so free. Ive felt so lethargic all week at home that I suddenly had such a rush by being around people. And maybe it’s because we had a perfect set of members that I was so carefree. Sebastian, Alben, Gabe, John A, the Alicia, and Christelle were like my ideal peole for the band this year. It’s kinda disappointing that there wouldn’t be Wildfire this week but oh well, having fun with them was great. And we were all so close and made jokes with each other. We were really like a family. It was awesome to be around them and I am so thankful that they are in my life. And I am so overwhelmed that we are able to gather and play music well for God and sing our hearts out. It was an exhilarating jamming session (at least for me).

When Christelle and I were finally going home with Gabe via taxi, she asked how I come to church on Wednesdays. I said that I ride taxi. She then said that we should ride together every Wednesday. Apparently her mom suggested that so I wouldn’t have to spend 22dhs every Wednesday. And Christelle loves the idea as much as I do cuz we get to go together. Gosh, I swear, her mom is so thoughtful. And it’s like she never misses an opportunity to get me and Christelle to be together. She’s like the mvp or president of our ship. She makes things happen for us XD. I somehow feel the pressure of being a better friend to her now since her mom always seems to be watching over us.

Anyway, after that, she asked me if I know how much taxi rides we’ve ridden together. I never really counted because it happened so often so i said i didn’t know. Still, it blew her mind how we’ve come such a long way mostly with taxi rides. She then asked me how it started and I said that I remembered that she asked to ride with me and my dad and that was the first night we ever even had a conversation with just the two of us. She remembered that as well and even remembered that I was playing an Ed Sheeran album on the car. I didn’t even recall that but yes, that was the time my dad bought an Ed Sheeran CD. So it seems she remembers it as clear–if not–clearer, than I do. And after that, since Gabe was there listening to everything, we told him that I knew her ever since she was 7 but never really got around to know her till she joined the band. We laughed about how we never really knew each other because of the age gap we had when we were young. We even included Jess, Prasanna, and Keziah in the mix and how I saw most of them as babies. Oh Awana days… It was so fun to know that Christelle and I were at each other’s midst for so long not really knowing each other but now we’re basically best friends.

But then again she says, “but soon you’re gonna leave me”

I think I said something a long the lines of “No, dont say that, c’mon” with a slightly annoyed tone even though in my heart I said it in such a painful plea. In my head I was just like screaming/singing 그런 말은 하지 마 제발… 그 말이 더 아픈 거 알잖아 ㅠㅠㅠ

Image result for iu producer sad gifAnd so she laughs and I laugh trying to brush it all off. Then Christelle says to Gabe that this is how it is–how we never speak of that goodbye until it is the right time. My emo brain just looked at her and thought, “Well then why do you keep bringing it up,” and shaking my head. I guess she cant help it. I cant stop thinking about it too so I cant blame her. But anyway, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that bit of silence after that conversation ends. That small second of utter torture knowing our time together was so limited wont ever stop and it will only get worse as time passes. But I think that has made us acquire a skill of quickly changing topics now. Even I find the most random things to say and make it interesting just so that those silent moments of torture wouldn’t engulf us.

But even with that, we had this conversation where I was saying how I try to spend as much time with friends on Fridays. I said that it’s because friends are like my medicine and I have to take that for my kinda antisocial lifestyle. After I said that, she was relieved that I said that because she thought I was gonna say it is because my time is limited here. Yes that is partly true, but I didn’t bring it up because we just talked about not bringing it up like a few minutes ago. She seems to have a hard time getting it out of her head or at least keeping it in every time it’s just us in the taxi. It kinda makes me dread the day of parting even more…