The same night of the first Wildfire meet-up, Gabriel messaged me. He said if I was fishy because I said something earlier while we (Christelle, him, John Adithya, and I) were walking to Seashell. Someone said that “Christelle is light. I can probably carry her.” I replied, “Then why don’t you try carrying her right now?” I thought it was John A who said that and I for some reason felt insulted (maybe cuz I don’t exactly like that guy and I don’t ship him with Christelle), that’s why I dared him. There was confusion in who said it, but I think I heard right—it was John A. But anyway, Gabe said I was fishy for saying that. Then he said he shipped them. I said I didn’t, but he said,
“Whyyyyyyyy? It’s an otp.”
“I dunno, I just… it’s weird to me.” I never really shipped Christelle and John A. Although they joked well together and talked a lot together, I kind of hated his guts when it came to her. I don’t even know why. Gabriel shipped them. Edwin thought they liked each other and looked nice together, but for some reason I can’t see them being a couple together, or at least I don’t want to. It’s probably because I shipped Edwin and Christelle a whole lot before. And there was one time in the Wildfire chat when I blew up at John A for saying Christelle must be pretending to be innocent because she could not understand the 18+ joke that Edwin “tested” the group with. I don’t know… there’s just something about him that annoys me. Hmm… maybe it has something to do with him being John Surya’s brother, too. I can’t trust them with romance, especially if precious Christelle is involved.
I told Gabe that I shipped her with Edwin but alas, it was a sinking ship. Maybe instead of being a good detector of couples, I can detect those that won’t even work. Is this what happens when you ship tragic Taengsic??? The tragic couple radar just turns on???
Gabriel said he always thought of Edwin as a person who didn’t like anybody. So he was shocked when he found out about that crush story the first time. I told him that he obviously did not see what I see because I was always with those two.
Then I said, “Anyway, you still have a crush on Christelle, right? That’s why you assumed I’m fishy? Or am I wrong XD”
“No I assumed it was fishy because I shipped them (John A and Christelle). And I thought you were helping them. Tho….. The first part…..”
I haven’t written about this since this revelation happened when I was in the Philippines. It was one night when I couldn’t sleep because it was hot and there was no aircon. It wasn’t easy to fall asleep either since I slept on a small couch instead of a bed. So I decided to strike up a conversation and ask him how the last day of Wildfire was like.
He said, “Sad haha.
Did I tell u who I like?
Feels like I did.
Sad tho cuz idk when I’ll see everyone again.
And all my other friends are gonna spend holiday away from here haha.”
His message took me aback a little because I only asked him how the last day of Wildifre was like. I didn’t say anything about a crush. So I quoted his ‘Did I tell you who I like?’ message and said, “I don’t think so.”
“Oh ok. XDDD”
“Who is it? *smirk emoji*” Just to keep in mind, this was during the time I had a bit of a crisis trying to know if I actually liked Gabriel or not. His reply made me clear up my mind. (And since he spammed lots of dumb things on Wildfire chat on the whole 3 months, I can honestly say I don’t have any feelings for him at all. Anyway, back with the story)
I trust you haha.
REALLY??? Omg” Okay, so it was about 12:30 AM during that time, and man did I have a hard time not to make a sound! I was absolutely shocked at this confession. Christelle was the least person I expected him to like, especially since I knew before that he liked Pastor Jeramie’s daughter Sarah.
Since a few weeks ago at least.”
“Wow this is crazy, I never knew. XD” This was like just a week after I basically confessed to Christelle about Edwin’s crush on her. Now I found that another guy likes her? And I’m in the middle of all of this? How are the guys just revealing this so easily to me? Is it because I’m close with Christelle? Again, it felt like I was in a teenage novel. Gabriel, Edwin, Christelle, and I were really close. It’s funny because the guys have a crush on her, but I’m the one who wins her because I actually find her so precious and she seems to see me the same way. What is this fanfic worthy material???? XD
“What do you like about her?” I asked. What makes her so lovable to the guys? I mean I had a pretty solid reason as to why I liked her as a friend, but I wanted to hear the guy’s perspective on her.
What’s not to like?
The way she acts
Haha, I could have thought he was funny to have fallen really deep with her since he even finds her sleeping adorable, but I couldn’t agree with him more because he said almost everything I thought of, too. She’s energetic, friendly, and boisterous, but she can be so awkward sometimes which makes her really funny. She does have a very hearty laugh. She talks very nicely, loudly, and clearly, unlike me who stutters all the damn time. As I said earlier, just hearing my name from her is the best thing ever. And don’t even get me started with her singing… And yes, I wrote a detailed log about her sleeping on my shoulders, and she was very adorable during that time. She’s a precious human being indeed. I understand why the guys like her. I wonder how many more has a crush on her? Does she even know how much people like her?
“Haha ikr tbh she’s a real cute girl,” I said.
“I K R ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ <3”
Then we got to some conversation about the fans and heat in the Philippines and I how I couldn’t sleep. But I was still thinking about what he revealed so I shifted the conversation back to that again.
“Wait so what made you start liking Christelle??? I’m so curious XDD”
That I liked her XDDD
Because she’s awesome
That’s me being lazy to type it XDDD
Well, she’s savagely amusing XDDD
“Omg yes XDDD”
“And that like got me thinking what, is she like this the whole time?
Like like what else is she like
Like I thot naw dawg
I may get attatched if I do that cuz that’s how things work with me.
But like apparently just seeing her as she is
Got me thinking ‘this girl has gotta be an angel’
And then I realize ‘ohhhh wait I only say that to girls I like’
‘I like dis girl.’”
“She’s full of charms,” I said.
“Well I can see whyyyy
Yeah, she is.”
“Are you gonna confess to her at some point? *smirk emoji*” I asked.
“Oh ok. XD”
“WELL DIS GON MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY TO TELL U BUUUUT IDK MAYBE U ALREADY KNOE”
“Guess who Edwin liked
I didn’t say nothing.
Don’t say I sad anything cuz I didn’t.”
“Yeah he told me that’s why I’m so awake rn.”
“I won’t tell Edwin omg this is crazy enough.”
LIKE HOMAGAH I TREMBLED WHEN HE TOLE ME”
“He told me he thinks you liked me but I KNEW IT you like someone else but omg I didn’t expect it to be Christelle XDDDD”
Like no offense, as awesome as you are, not my type.
I see you as a future leading prodigy awesome successful person but not my type XDDD”
“I know. You like people like Yoona XD”
“Oh right. So that’s who I told you.”
“You like loud and crazy and cute girls XD I’m none of that XDDD”
“Ur cute m8”
“Crazy SKILLS but true, not crazy haha
Smol = cute (99%xtime)”
“I have some pride to uphold, I cann’t go crazy XDDD”
But you seem so
Blunt and humble”
“Yeah, and that too, and humble and crazy is a weird thing.”
“Now I’m curious as to what Christelle’s ideal type actually is,” I said.
“Who do you think she likes?”
“Wait you don’t know?
I ship her with John A tho
Idk what girls that are like Christelle like.”
“I can’t (ship her with John A). It’s hard to ship her with anyone. I feel like she’s my lil sister and I wanna protect her”
“I’m curious tho. How do you guys ship your crushes with someone else? Doesn’t that like hurt you?”
When you’re me
Or when you truly just wanna see that smile on her face
“Oh ok XDDD I get what you’re saying.”
“Idk how you and Edwin easily get this stuff out. It’s so interesting. I never talk about things like this with Christelle XD”
“I’m too trusting.
That’s it really.
So if I trust you past like 30% I can probably tell you everything
Maybe. I guess.”
“Well I don’t really talk about these things so you can definitely trust me.”
“Idk. I haven’t had a crush for a long time so maybe that’s why ”
“Haha yeah XD I was more desperate to have friends so I guess crushes didn’t really happen.”
“Oh lol. When was the last time?”
Two years ago, I guess?”
Flashforward to present time, when we were talking about Christelle and a John A being a ship… So he thought I was shipping them with the words that I said, and so I replied, “I won’t help anyone in their ship until they are cannon boi XD”
“What, wasn’t it cannon?”
“I have no idea what they feel about each other so I have no reason to push them subtly XD”
“True…. But…. What if the push was where the spark was the whole time?”
I didn’t want to be doing that at all. The thought of it just irked me. I wrote something really long explaining how I don’t want to get involved again if it’s probably gonna end like Edwin’s situation. I didn’t want to confess for them again or just whatever happened before, because it seems people are good at detecting if they are being shipped. But then I erased all that and just said,
“Lol if you do that, they’d notice that I’m sure.
And if they don’t feel anything towards each other, it’s gonna turn awkward.”
“I like the fact that your status goes typing… to online like a billion times and the msg is just like this (“Lol if you do that, they’d notice that I’m sure. “) XDDD Show’s you’re very considerate
(“And if they don’t feel anything towards…”) Wait, it can turn awkward??”
“Do you even want me to elaborate Edwin and Christelle cuz that ship had a bit of an awkward time and I was in the middle of all that shipping them XD”
“Yes. I love the awkward moments. Makes me kilig.”
I rolled my eyes at the last sentence. “Bahahaha. Anyway what do you wanna know?”
All the things.
How did someone like you ship people like them.
I wanna know how smooth Edwin was
How often did both of them like, just talk
Like what did they talk about
How did they talk about it XDDDD”
“Idk it started at the taxi rides I think. They always argued like a married couple.”
“BWDJDIFIEIFIEIFIF AND I DIDN’T SEE IT?!?!?!?
THOSE ARE THE CUTEST KIND
Nvm the Adi Stella (John A, Christelle) died
Edwin Stella lives
TEELL ME MOOOAAAR”
I told him about how they argued, how one wants to help the other but gets rejected. How the argued about taxi fares. I even told him how I always laughed when they argued and how Edwin exploded at me on that one taxi ride to stop shipping them.
“I always laugh when they argue and I always imagined they’d be a funny couple. I guess Edwin saw that on my face since one time when only the two of us rode together, he told me to stop shipping them even tho I haven’t exactly said that I did XD. He was like all worked up and told me to back off cuz she liked someone else and I’m like lol why are you talking about this what did I do?”
Homagah how do you and Edwin see that without seeing that?
Edwin must be really smart then and attentive.
I do not agree tho….. About backing off because she likes someone else
Like duuuuuuuuuude you can “steal” her-ish kinda
That’s the term I use for the kinda situation where you like someone and somehow they end up liking you later even if they liked someone b4
I didn’t even know or suspect that he liked her. I just thought they looked like a married couple. But from the moment he blew up at me, I kind of had a hunch that he likes her after all, otherwise he wouldn’t have brought it up XDDD”
Lol him and me are very alike
Assuming a lot of times.”
I then told him how I always catch Edwin doing sweet stuff for her but she doesn’t really see it. I told him about the time when she rejected food from him, but I convinced her enough to at least get something from him cuz I saw he was just being nice. I also told him that Edwin wasn’t exactly the flirting type. He was more of a gentleman and it just drove me mad that Christelle didn’t see that.
I also told him that Edwin thought she likes John A, that’s why he said she liked someone else. Gabe proceeds to freak out and says Edwin sees the vibe and that he sees it too. I just said I don’t or maybe I just don’t want to see it. Then he describes what goes on between John A and Christelle and was basically shipping them. But after my story he says Edwin and Christelle seems more adorable. He said Kdrama is closer to them than it is with the John A ship…
Then I also told him that Edwin made me confess to Christelle about his feelings.
“When Edwin left, he told ME I should tell her his feelings.
That just shocked me XD
Like why me, why don’t you tell him yourself.”
“I kinda get why he doesn’t wanna do it I think?
I can picture it.
I’m no photographer, but I can picture them together.
Like easier said than done.
You don’t want her opinion of you to change negatively.
And since he assumed she and John had something, be it unknown, probably got scared.”
“I really felt like I was in a teenage drama when those days happened XD”
Tell me you packed popcorn once.”
“Even after the confession, they chatted and often came to me to ask what he should say hahahha.”
“I don’t wanna assume but my brain already says ‘YEP HE WANTS HER TO HAVE A GOOD IMAGE OF HIMMMMMM’”
“Yeah exactly that.”
And I think this is the moment when he realizes he missed some of the things I’ve said. “WAIT YOU TOLD HER?????????”
“Yeah, I stressed out for a whole day thinking what I should say so in a way it’s like I confessed to her hahahahaha XD
“(“I don’t wanna assume but my brain….”) They actually didn’t want their friendship to turn awkward and they talked it out I think.”
“THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT is good.
Because you said they
That is good.
(“Even after the confession, they chatted and…”) See I’ve been there recently except for the part where he had someone who could tell him what to say.”
“Lol really XD”
Wait did I not tell you I liked Sarah?”
“Everyone knew that right lol”
AM I OBLIVIOUS TO EVERYONE”
“Or was it just me and Christelle who knew… idk XD”
“Wait so who do you even like rn? I’m confused XD”
“I like Christelle ._.
I liked Sarah
I told her
We talked but apparently I was annoying ._.
So I died inside ._.”
“Oh ok you confessed to her?”
“Yes I did.”
“She said you were annoying??” I may sound surprised but I wasn’t tbh. It’s easy to understand that he became annoying to a girl like Sarah XD.
“Ok like, cuz I messaged her often. And THAT was annoying.”
“Ahhhh Oh no XD”
“Anywhooooo the point is when I’m not close to someone and I don’t think I’ll ever be like a friend because I feel like this person can’t be disturbed from her environment, I have to tell this person that I like her.”
Then he proceeds to tell me that Chinaza, the new shy band mate, who is actually his friend, knows that he likes Sarah.
“Hahaha good for her, at least she won’t bother her on your real crush.”
But I told her I like Christelle
Well Okay okay for a time I stopped liking Christelle then I liked her again
“Feelings are weird XD The nature of feelings are wild and sometimes unpredictable.”
Especially when you’re 12 and still like someone till you’re 15
Or I was 10
Longest crush everrr”
“U had a crush on someone for 5 years?? Wow”
All Filipinos go through that moment
Because we ‘soft’”
“Lol whaatt really?”
Bc we ‘soft’ and we have a type of love that lasts forever-ish
Not forever but like”
“Is that true? Cuz I also had a crush that long at that age XDDDD”
Probably true idk
Like Filipinos like ppl for a good amount of time and get attached and boom #KATHNIEL”
“Lol I don’t even follow Filipino ships XDD”
After a short convo about Filipino films, it goes back again,
Did you confess and stay bffs till this very day?” he asks while referring to my 5 year crush. At this point I was like, wow why did I tell him that? Why am I like this? Why do I want to tell him that?
“Lol no. But we are still friends. And it wasn’t exactly a crush but more like a friend crush.
Like I really wanted to be close friends with this person XD,” I try to say casually.
“The feeling was really close to a crush because I thought about that person all the time like a real crush. It was a weird time of my life XD” Indeed it was. I wondered how long I can keep referring to her as “that person.” I didn’t want to lie and refer to a guy because it wasn’t. I couldn’t lie to him.
I thought that was a crush
Think abt her all the time
Crave to be around her
And to talk to her often
And wanna make her happy”
Yes, I did like her that way, boy. “Exactly that feeling.”
“Like I thot ‘this must be love if I’ve had this forever and feel this stroooong’
But I kept telling myself it was a crush”
“Hahaha yeah but in my case I couldn’t think like that and I couldn’t confess whatever I felt cuz what I felt just seemed wrong so eh”
“Seemed wrong… That’s where we differ.
“Mine is a serious problem and I’m glad I dealt with it tbh”
At this point, it was already late and he needed to go to sleep. So he asked me what time I wake up and we should continue the conversation the next day. So I got ready to sleep, too. I felt like I wasn’t in my right mind as I talked about it, but at the same time, it felt almost liberating to have a friend know about that part of my life. So I prayed about it to God and asked if I could say it, because after all, I’ve seen the end of the story, and it was a huge story that glorified Him.
So the next morning, at 6 AM, he asks, “HOW DO U DEAL WID SMTH LIKE THAT”
“What I did was something called: praying,” I said at about 2 hours later when I actually wake up.
Ok but what did you do after praying
What was your conclusion
You’ve asked for a solution, assistance, guidance
Then what did you do after you got that?
“Well… Okay. So like I’m not close with that person but we were friends so I just wanted at least moments when only the two of us were together. I really loved that person but I couldn’t let that develop into so much more. So I prayed a lot to God to help me get over and at least give me a closure and let me be friends properly and so one Illuminate, I spent time with that person like the two of us were a pair in the event and I got closure and somehow from that point on my feelings were gone. But we’re still friends so I’m happy that I dealt it with God.
Omg that’s long XD”
“What is closure
Feelings were gone. GG. Good game. That’s it. It happened. End of story XDDD interesting.”
“Like all I ever wanted was to spend time with that person, only just the two of us, and God finally gave me that. And so I eventually stopped because I felt like I got what I so badly wanted and desired… idk it’s something like that I can’t explain how I stopped having a crush. It just happened. I moved on, I guess.”
“Moved on once you got what you wanted
“Which is a big relief cuz I had that crush seriously for 5 years.”
Hurrah now you’re free
Wait are u free?”
“(‘Moved on once you got what you wanted’) I felt like it was enough. Because what I wanted, more than that, felt wrong”
“Free? I guess XD”
“Free like you don’t have a crush on anyone currentlyyy
“Lol XD yeah.
But I don’t have a crush on any Koreans XD
Just admire XD”
Must be nice being free
Waaaait wait wait wait wait were you an awesome musician while you had the crush?”
“Hm well I wasn’t awesome then XD
I was more like an awkward out of place girl than anything cuz I wasn’t girly XD”
You’re girly now?”
“Kinda? Not completely but Girls’ Generation made me girly XDDD”
But you don’t use makeup”
“No haha just aloe for moisture and Vaseline lip balm XD Is that make up? Probably not XD”
“How is that girly XDDDD Make up is foundation and everything above it”
“Look I’m gonna wear a cute headband one of this days XD that’s pretty girly I think XD”
“With cat ears? XDDDDDDDDD With cat ears and paw gloves”
“No but it’s pink with a ribbon XDD”
Then I got to some serious thinking… I couldn’t just let this conversation die down with him leaving with the thought that I had a crush on a boy. It just didn’t seem right at all. I wanted to say everything. I wanted to be honest. I wanted him to know. So I carefully wrote…
“(‘Hurrah now you’re free’) Tbh this statement is even better because… Ok now don’t be too shocked or view me differently. I haven’t told this to anyone but I feel like it’s good for you to understand since I already said so much. I was talking about a girl. That’s why I’m happy I’m free, cuz it messed me up. But I talked endlessly with God about it and He helped me go through it. In this time and age, without God, I would have already swerved off greatly from the right. That’s why I said what I said on the Wildfire group cuz I know people don’t chose to do wrong. We are naturally in rebellion against God and we have to control that. And I’m just so happy my love for God was able to conquer it.”
The bit about the thing I said in the Wildfire group was when they were discussing something serious for once and it was about LGBT. I wouldn’t have spoken up if they said the right things, but most of their answers that time were so narrowly at the Christian perspective that they sounded quite ignorant of the truths. I remember most of them just didn’t get why they would chose to do what they do. One of them said that it was proven as a mental disease. One of them couldn’t even say LGBT right. So I felt it was kind of invalid for them to be proving their points without properly knowing what the heart of the problem actually was. It just frustrated me that they kind of saw it and discussed it in such a poor way. As someone who knows how it feels and discussed it a lot with God, I spoke up and this is what I said: Our physical nature is to act against God whether we mean it or not because we inherited it from the first ever humans. Not all sins are choices but rather it just flows out of us so naturally that we are incapable of controlling it unless we truly have a change of heart. And we need Christ’s heart. We basically need to have a heart transplant so that we can take off the world’s last name on our forehead.
Anyway, back to my conversation with Gabe…
“1) How can I view you differently when we talking about old you and now current u
2) U USED TO LIKE A GIRL FOR 5 YEARS????????
Doesn’t change my opinion of u
“I know, I know… But like the point is God gave me what I wanted which is the weird part, and because he did that, I got over her XD”
That’s a good ending”
“Ikr and I’m so thankful that I trusted God to help me go through instead of today’s mentality of ‘accepting who you are’”
After that, the conversation rapidly shifts into something else. We talked about things entirely far away from crushes. I’m just glad that he didn’t view me any differently. I believed I proved my point well, that I was able to conquer it with God. That’s all I wanted to say. So I’m happy. And since I’ve revealed that part of myself to him, I feel less constricted about that secret. It’s become less of a burden. And I guess it was somewhat easy to tell him honestly because he doesn’t know who that girl was compared to most of my friends. So I’m never gonna say that to anyone else again unless they really need that testimony of conquering that problem.