It’s been a while since I’ve written my feelings on its present day. I’ve been putting off writing so many of the events for a few months now because of the amount of emotions, lessons, and events it contains. I’ve outlined at least 10 or more blogs that I want to write but being too chronological and detailed as I am, the work it needs has become a little too much for me to handle. I’m so bad at managing my time that I just never got around to doing it, but now, I really want to go back and remember it all. And although I will try to write about them one by one, as of now, I’ll try to get as much back story as I can of these three months as I go along with my current dilemma.
So these days, I feel like I’m being grounded by God day by day to think more seriously about who I am and who God wants me to be. I definitely blame The Big Weekend for that (which happened last week) since its main theme is called “Who Am I?” I wish I had already written what has happened in that weekend, but it’s a story that’s so harmoniously mend together that I don’t want to spoil it here. The only thing I can say for now is that that weekend had such a huge impact on my life.
But what is happening these days? As I have said, I feel like this past week, I’ve been so spiritually challenged.
After The Big Weekend, somehow Chinaza (15) was able to open up her mind more to me and asked me challenging questions throughout the week. Being the sunbae that I am, and knowing how much she looked up to me as she has read and anticipates AMNESIA, I knew I had to answer her in the best way I could. It made me seriously pray to God to give me wisdom because I don’t want to lead her astray at all.
So her question’s started when she tagged me on a post in instagram with four naked girls laying down on the beach with their asses blatantly showing. This was the caption:
“mylifeaseva: So often we find ourselves in a hole because we begin to focus on what we don’t have. That very thought can consume a person until they go mad. I’m not an expert on happiness, but i think i figured out that for me, it’s all about my perspective on life. Each day i wake up and i make the conscious choice to either think “ugh, i wish i ate healthier and i wish i knew how to play the guitar and i wish, i wish, that i could make some new friends”, but instead i say “let’s get up and try a new smoothie recipe, and let me find someone to teach me something I’ve always wanted to learn, and let me say hello to a new person today and see if we have a connection”. Every moment you have is a moment to enjoy your life and take your life into your own hands. I guess that’s why i lay on a beach naked with the friends I’ve made from changing my perspective on life. I guess I lay naked in the sand to feel the life that the universe breathed into me, It’s the least i can do to thank it.”
At first I thought Chinaza was hacked because it was the first time ever for her to ever tag me in a post, let alone the post being full of naked girls. But in reality, she wanted to know my opinion about the whole post because she noticed that everyone’s views seemed to conflict.
Here’s what I had to say:
I guess in a way I do think sometimes like that but I wish more of the things that I know I can’t do or get those which I can’t have. I have the power to get up and do so but is it beneficial? There’s a verse for that somewhere in 1 Corinthians.
“Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food”—and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
1 Corinthians 6:13, 20 ESV
I guess that could work too but I had something else in mind
“All things are lawful” but not everything is helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up.
1 Corinthians 10:23
Of course if it was something harmless (in the eyes of God) and I was desperate enough or really wanted to do something even though it seems impossible to achieve, I’d go ask for God’s help for that
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”
As for the last part of the post, being naked and one with the earth is a little debatable as you can thank the earth in some other beneficial way than just being naked and lying like dirt. If they really wanted their perspective changed, they would’ve helped pick up trash or something.
Ahhh ookkay thanks! Soo what they’re doing isn’t wrong, essentially because it’s lawful? But to us it’s not necessarily right because it doesn’t build up?
(I don’t really care about the post… but like if kids see this.. what will become of the world? Some older ppl know better soo it’s ook. And some, like me, will just be like dangg they’re fit i should work out. But kids won’t think like that lol)
Hahah they’re having fun in their own world skinny dipping and stuff like that. It’s not wrong but yeah, it wasn’t necessary to post about it as it can bring up lust to perverts out there, or essentially corrupt a kid’s world view. But yeah, people brag about these kinds of weird things ‘cause of different reasons. I feel like they just wanna show off their assets and shove in their weird little mother earth shenanigans in there to look like they’re good people. Although they try to inspire, it’s not the best way I should say. So yeah, they’re not completey wrong in what they’re doing but it isn’t beneficial.
Ahhhh… and showing their assets is them being themselves which can be linked to the who am I thing…
Yes. But they seem to have accepted too much of themselves
Too much? So there is a too much?
What if they were discovering themselves and chose what themselves are to be…
If you convert it to us and the Christ thing.. is there a too much of acceptance of ourselves?
Of course, let’s say someone is gay and they say that they have found what they really are, in the view of God that isn’t good. Sin flows out of us and rebelling to God’s rules is so natural. If we accept that our nature is to sin and let it be, and even be proud of it, then that’s not good.
In the Who Am I thing, they did mention that while you are finding and accepting what your good qualities are, you should be able to also recognize your weakness.
They didn’t elaborate much on how sin is such a big part of us (and that we should strive not to live in it even if thats what makes us ‘who we are’) which is a little concerning to me but the overall message for The Big Weekened was pretty good
There is also a big debate in “this is who I am and God will love me anyway”. It’s not always good to think that it’s fine to keep living in some sin just because God is so forgiving. If He hates something, He hates the sin but not that person of course. And when you love someone, you obviously dont want to see the side that would irritate you. Even in a marriage, that accepting of sin bullcrap does not work. Love the person, but hate the sin.
Hmmm… wise Mia wise.
Then she proceeded to just relay to me most of her questions.
Questions for you for my newfound blog:
1) Why do people lie?
2) Do you lie?
3) What are your thoughts on lying?
4) How would you react when you find out someone lied to you?
5) How can you stop people from lying to you?
Being the somewhat philosopher that I am, I tried to answer them all with what I believed in. They were truly challenging questions—questions I kind of think of but never really sat down to see how I actually viewed it.
Here were my answers:
- I think people lie because it’s our natural tendency to do so. If you’re asking about the reasons why people lie, then it’s basically just to hide the truth. Whether they had good or bad intentions to do so, it’s really just to hide truth. And sometimes, the lies that people tell aren’t just limited by words. I think I got to understand this thought clearer in The Big Weekend. Mike Gordon did a good job explaining that and I think we as a group of girls in Session 2 discussed the reasons really well, too.
- Man, the real question is who doesn’t, right? I don’t like lying much to people, but sometimes lies often slip out when I wanna hide something about myself. For real though, I’d rather be clever with my words and stay true while trying to avoid saying the truth than completely lie about something. I know, I know, half-truths are kinda bad in its own way, but it’s not a lie at least. Still, lies scare me ’cause I am scared of being caught doing so.
- I can’t think of anything else but that it’s just a mask to hide the truth. The case about whether it’s good or bad for many different situations is a long debate that’s been going on for probably centuries so I’d rather not go there right now. If there’s no situation specified, I can’t really generalize it to one specific thing. What’s interesting though is that Jesus never lied with his words or about Himself and what He was feeling. That’s always something crazy and mind-blowing to think about.
- It depends on the lie and who’s telling it, really. But okay, let’s say it’s a friend or just anyone really close to me. If it is one simple little lie, I wouldn’t be too bothered and I’d forgive that person if they confessed to me about it, ‘cause that’s what God does. Now that I think about it… If they didn’t confess and I just happened to find it out myself, it would bother me a little. So I guess I would confront them about it. If it’s lying to protect me, I’d actually be touched, but there will probably be a point where it will irk me and I’d want to know the truth.
If it’s lying about something big, or maybe a situation, then that would be more complicated. The thing about me is that I’m too understanding and I try to see good in people most of the time. If I loved the person who lied to me, I would blame myself first which isn’t really the best thing to do unless I really had something to do with it. But if I can’t really take doing that anymore and woke up from the own lies my own brain will make about myself, then I’d confront the person about it. If that person actually came clean, made me understand why they did it, and said sorry in their sincerest way, I would forgive them. But yeah, if they didn’t, it’ll be hard to deal with that.
The decisions depend on the situations, but I guess the main thing here is that I’d be hurt. It’s either they didn’t trust me enough to handle the truth, or they’re just plainly not the person I thought they were. So it’s either they lied during the moment for reasons, or they’ve been lying about themselves since the very beginning.
- There are quite a few verses where it says, “Treat others as you want to be treated.” It took me way too long to realize how well this works. I only found how true this is last year. One example I could say is how Christelle and I became close friends. She’s the first ever person I was able to open so much to because she opened up to me. She trusted me with her thoughts, and because of that I trusted her with mine. Because of that trust, I could see how much honesty she was willing to drop on me. So when there was a time that I lied to her to protect her, I couldn’t keep it in too long because it literally made me feel terrible to betray that trust, even if I had good intentions. When I had told her about that lie a week after I lied to her, I made her understand why I said whatever I said, and ever since then, we haven’t been able to lie to each other. In a way, because of that, we’ve become incapable of betraying that trust. If we ever lied to each other, it’d be somewhat easy to tell. Although I’m pretty sure there are truths we are keeping from each other, if it’s not brought up, then it’s not a lie. It’s just a truth that’s not ready to be said. But yeah, all I’m saying is there has to be that mutual understanding, love, and trust if you don’t want to be lied to.
I think understanding someone in their vulnerability is a vital part as well. People won’t be able to tell you the truth the next time they become vulnerable if your response makes them feel even worse, unloved, or misunderstood. If there’s no understanding and gentleness to your replies, they’ll pick up on that. It’s like a child that can predict how a usually angry parent will answer. They will have their lies ready when they know they won’t be understood and be off the hook unless they say or act out what the parent wants to see in them. But if the parent is there to understand them for who they are, and be gentle yet also firm and strict when necessary, kids pick up on that as well. They would be more honest and comfortable with their thoughts and dreams to their parents because they know they have a safe place for it. They wouldn’t have to lie about anything if they have that trust and understanding built.
The next day, she asks me another question.
Is it wrong to give in to temptation, and know you’re giving in. Like you’re aware of it and you choose to accept it and give in to the temptation and bask yourself in it, but it’s not a struggle because you willingly gave in…..?
1 Thessalonians 5:22 “Abstain from all appearance of evil.” I think we’ve discussed the difference between trials and temptations in Wildfire before. While I don’t fully remember all that was said then, I don’t think it’s right to give in to temptations. But what is a temptation anyway? Temptation (as said in wikipedia) is a desire to engage in short-term urges for enjoyment, that threatens long-term goals. As people are different, each have different sets of temptations and trials before them. Temptations to each individual are what make us lose control of what was considered right.
Let’s say you just got out of surgery and the doctor said you can’t eat anything yet, but you snuck in some snacks and ate them because of how hungry you were. Although you loved giving into it, it will harm you eventually. Although it was very good for that moment and you had no care for future consequences, the harm done would take more pain and effort to heal. If there was patience, self-control, and trust in the doctor’s word, then you would’ve been healed quicker and enjoyed more of that snack.
I feel like giving into some temptation, whether or not you willingly did it and even enjoyed it, will give birth to negative consequences either way. Because in many occasions, when you give into a temptation, you will be tempted to do so again and again until it numbs you. You won’t struggle any more while doing it because you would get used to it, but you will struggle on a whole lot of other problems, big or small, or both at the same time. I think, from my observation, the moment it numbs you and you accept it for what it is, it will help you refuse what is actually right for your life. Your whole being will come up with excuses to justify it and that thought process is definitely something to be careful about. It’s like being obese and not doing anything about it. When you accept that you eat junk and only junk, then obviously you’re putting your health and life at stake in many ways.
But what is right? Right and wrong always looks like a shade of gray rather than it being a solid black and white. That’s why it’s always good to study the Bible to have a clearer sense of where the right lands on. It’s also important to ask Him to open your eyes for what exactly he had placed in your life as a temptation (or any sin in general), to discern between what is right and wrong, and for Him to help you get through it. Of course, if you don’t want to let it go, then that means you’re not ready. God would understand that for He is patient that way but if God is constantly grinding you and calling you to wake up, things will get worse the more you postpone it, so surrendering to Him and being honest with Him about it early in the sin should be a move that you have to make.
One of my favorite verses is 1 Cor. 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” And I love Him so much for this. Always try to look for that way out. It’s not at all easy to get over temptations or deep-rooted sins and I’m sure some takes more time to dig out than others. But he puts them there to see whether we will listen to His word or not and act on them, and to test our abilities and improve our characters. If you’re wondering why that is, I could simply just say it’s for His glory. Maybe other wiser men of God have a better answer for that. I don’t fully understand God’s ways in handling our lives this way, but it is very overwhelming and cool to me when I see Him as the writer of my life. If he’s putting me through something or gives me a temptation I have to conquer, that means He has a lot of things planned for the future, either for myself or for someone in/will be in my life.
She then thanks me for all of that and starts asking me opinions about what is best for her blog. I gladly helped her because I felt she was doing a good thing to start a blog for teenagers like herself. But anyway, that same day, she asked a question she didn’t even know how to ask.
Okay i got another thing for you to think about… sooo I was texting Gabe and like he said “accept who you are”
And I’m like accepting and acknowledging are different to me. I’ve acknowledged who I am but I don’t want to accept me because I want to change. If I accept me then I’ll be less inclined to change?
For example, I kinda stopped exercising because I accepted my body. So I acknowledged it before as being ok and mildly fit. Then I began to accept it after girls at school started complimenting and were like I love your body and I wish I had your body n stuff. So after that I accepted. And stopped exercising all together, because I didn’t see any reason to because my body is already fit and perfect like they said.
Idk what my question to you is but it’s another thought process of mine soo it’ll go on my blog at some point 🙂
Idk I guess my question is like accepting who you… yeah.. i don’t know lol
I think I get where you wanna get to though. You have accepted yourself and is finally not obliged to change or improve. That’s why you stop exercising. There’s nothing at all wrong with that. The only case about this is do you want to treat your body well or not. At some point you will have to start doing it again. But I don’t think it is a sin not to do so. However, God did say we are His temple, so we do have to maintain it somehow. But whether or not we are in perfect health, the more important case is that our mind and spirit should be, because that is what runs our church, not the building. But of course, the building itself has its own role to contribute to the spirit of the church, because the bigger and stronger it is, the more it can do, give and take in. And In order for our minds and spirits to be healthy, (aside from the emotional and spiritual needs) the things we do and take in physically, do have an effect to how our brain, body, and moods will function. So I guess the conclusion here is to accept what God made you to be, His child or His servant, and acknowledge the flaws that need to be changed because of the harm that it can actually cause to either yourself or someone else.
So my mom has a really good insight in accepting who are. She said that we have to be careful of this pop-culture thinking of accepting of who are because it is so self-centered. Our focus should be God and that we shouldn’t be fully satisfied with ourselves when looking at Him. We should always strive to get the best version of ourselves for Him. We have to judge ourselves not with the standards of others, but with the standard of God.
Chinaza replies the next day:
Ahh woah.. that’s so well put 😀 thanks
I have another question (sorry for bombarding you everyday haha):
When you said earlier to study the bible, what does that mean?
I’ve been hearing people say that all throughout my life but never made any effort to because I didn’t care much. I did AWANA and verse memorizing and bible quizzes as a child. But I think to ‘study the bible’ means something different at an older age.
Like in school for literature, we analyze books and how the writers write and the true meaning of the message and different interpretations. I thought to study meant to just read the bible, but I’m not getting much out of it.
And like if I approached it the way I approach novels, then I’d approach it critically and question things. If I were to do that, then that would take up lots of time, just like studying does, and I’ll give up in the end due to lack of time.
And then again, the bible is huge. Idk where to start to start analyzing and being critical orrr I should continue to read it as a story?
Haha don’t be sorry for asking questions. This feels like a challenging Bible study to me and I’d love to find out myself what the answer to the questions are
Speaking of Bible study, I don’t think it has to be complicated, really. I did AWANA as well and there are verses in my schoolwork to memorize for the past 7 years, but I am very weak at memorizing the references. If you’re asking about how to study, of course pointing randomly somewhere in the Bible is not at all a helpful thing all the time. If you have a problem or a praise, you can look it up in the internet and find a verse or a chapter for it. And you dont have to stress about giving up all your time. The least God wants is 10% of it. And to be very honest, I don’t even like reading because it is so time consuming and too much effort for me, but I’ve been reading through the Bible since it requires me of my schoolwork and I’ve never been so happy to do so. Although it is very nice to learn a lot about the history, theology, and the amazing stories God has placed, looking at it in a technical way will surely tire you out. The most important thing is to see Who God is. That’s not always easy, but if you pray for God to show you and tell you what you need to hear and take to heart what you are taught and what you read, He will give it to you as He gave wisdom to Solomon. Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find. See, I don’t even know the reference to that but I know God has said it before. But yeah, it’s about getting to know who God is as Someone you love and not just learning about what He said or what role He played in history, although that is a step to getting to know Him. When you love someone, don’t you want to get to know them more? About who they are, what they did, and what they will be doing? And there are times when you won’t understand the person you love, but if you ask them about it, you will get answer one way or another.
This is what Chinaza asked me on Thursday:
So I’m proof-reading and editting my blog and found that I posed a question which was left unanswered. And the question is Is not telling the whole truth to someone bad? Does that count as lying? Because like you tell them part of the truth but they don’t question you or say please be honest like parents for example. So is not telling the whole truth counted as lying?
When she asked this, it was so on timing because I was currently struggling with it. Jessica has invited me to watch her dance for her school’s talent show, but I didn’t like how it was from 5 to 10 PM so I chose not to go. The problem is I didn’t have a good excuse. I couldn’t simply tell her that I didn’t want to come because of all the friends she could’ve invited, she included me, and I didn’t want our friendship to be bitter if she knew I just didn’t want to come (and one of the reasons being that her dance didn’t impress me, so it didn’t feel like it was worth my time. I know… it goes to show the lack of love I have towards her as a friend, and I didn’t want her to know that). I couldn’t tell her I was busy because Christelle and Aly had the real definition of busy running in their everyday lives. I had absolutely no good excuse that I asked my mom and dad to help me make up a reason. Eventually I told her what my mom had told me to tell her: that I had somewhere to go with my parents for Thursday, that’s why I couldn’t come. But what did we do on Thursday? Lay around watching Two Days One Night. So the half-truth that I wished I had relayed to Jessica has become a complete lie. Although my introvert, phlegmatic self is happy with finally getting a time to be lazy with my parents again after such a long time of me just being set on tending to my friends, it still irks me to this day that I had to go to such lengths just to lie or say a half-truth just so that I wouldn’t turn out to be a bad friend for Jessica. It felt like such a low moment for me even though I didn’t feel remorseful about it at all. The contradiction inside me was too strong.
So two days later, after calming my heart down to think seriously about Chinaza’s question, I said:
This is actually a very challenging question for I got tested by God recently about this ever since you asked. At first I couldn’t organize my thoughts because I wasn’t sure of the right answers at all, but I’m here now a few days later, trusting that God has revealed to me the answer, otherwise scold me if I am wrong. So now, to answer if half-truths are bad or not, I think depends on the situation. When an adult tells a young child about something that he/she isn’t supposed to know, let’s say an adult joke or something, the answer would often either be a lie or a half-truth/not the full picture. Now, that’s not exactly considered a bad thing as you are protecting the child from knowing such information until he/she is of the right age to understand them fully. However, I feel it is always better to tell a half-truth than a lie when it comes to protecting someone for their own good. For example, when a child asks, “how are babies made” or “where do they come from,” saying babies come from storks is a complete and utter lie than saying that God has chosen to bless the parents with a child. Sex was left out of the picture, but it is true that God created the baby first.
Now, it says in the Ten Commandments, “Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor.” It’s interesting how it didn’t say, “thou shalt not lie.” In a court, people can do many things to hide the truth, even without lying, right? Put the guilty or the false witness on a lie detector and they can technically say nothing but the truth, but it can be cheated on by being selective of what truth they chose to relay. That’s why in a court or process of a trial, there are interrogators and prosecutors to ask questions that would help get the whole truth out. That can be embodied through the rebuke of pastors, parents, and anyone who recognizes the hidden sin, but the important thing to watch out for is if they are placed by God to do so. Anyway, if it’s hiding something bad/otherwise not presentable about yourself to save yourself, then yes it’s a bad thing. Doing so will add to/drag out a problem that could have otherwise been solved quickly. And since it is a half-truth or not the whole truth, rather than it being lying, it’s being deceitful.
The word “deceitful” is a synonym of the word “liar”, but its other synonyms are insincere, untrustworthy, cunning, sly, scheming, misleading, and many others. It’s more than just lying. If whoever you are hiding things from does not ask you about something negative about you/something that you’ve done, but is directly related to them and their trust towards you, then hiding it from them will make you deceitful and all its synonyms. If and when your parents demand the whole truth and you avoid doing so, it is not just being deceitful but also being disobedient. A very important reminder for our everyday lives is that God knows everything that is hidden within our hearts. If you are not sure of what is good and what is bad concerning the lies that you make, especially selective honesty, then pray/talk to Him about it and let Him judge you for every move you chose to make. The safest thing is to sincerely and honestly repent to Him and make things right when your conscience cannot take holding guilt to something you have done, lest you be stubborn and let Him reveal it to the world unpleasantly before you without your control, making it a harder to reverse. For truth will reveal itself one way or another, through honesty or justice. Nothing is a secret before God.
A good mentality to have is Psalm 51:4 which says, “Against You, You only, I have sinned And done what is evil in Your sight, So that You are justified when You speak And blameless when You judge.” God is a God of righteousness and judgment, and fearing Him is one way to stop lying. To be honest, I feel like if you are remorseful of just any sin in general, and you wish to be right with God but circumstances and pride makes it hard for you to do so, the first step is to fully trust Him with that problem. Fear that He can judge you, but also trust that He loves you and wants you to be purified. Pray for him to find ways for you to get out and to conquer the sins he wants you to conquer, because you cannot change at all without His help.
Chinaza’s questions felt like they were personally hitting me at my core. The more I tried to find out the answers in God’s eyes, the more I felt like I was reminding myself of what I should believe in. Because even though my spirit is so set and stable on what the right thing is, it’s not at all easy to go through with them when the trials and temptations come. I’ve come to realize that God has revealed so much to me and has blessed me with such an open thought process, but I’ve also realized that He is seriously testing me and grinding me at the same time.
After hearing most of my friend’s stories about their everyday lives, I can see how God works in their lives with the conflict between their friends. But for me who refuses stress and gets along with almost everyone, the antagonist in my life is only myself, and that’s the hardest thing. I feel like these days, I’ve been split in half—the good and the good-looking bad tugging at my limbs back and forth and making wars inside my heart every single day.
One sin that have shaped me too much is being indolent. Right now, it’s important for me to speed up the work I’ve piled on myself. I have to finish my school work before the last possible days, and I can’t stand to be lazy now. And it’s not just school, to be honest. This laziness has gripped me too much that I can’t even find the time to do the things I actually love. I guess just knowing the fact that I can do so much but have no time for it stresses me out that in the end I’d rather just scroll through my phone or sleep. And I hate it. I hate it so much. I want to get up and do things. I really want to.
But my biggest problem right now is that my affection for Christelle has bloomed into something that shouldn’t have. Even now, I’m still so fearful of writing about this, but I don’t want to keep lying to myself about this. Again, I’m split in half.
Although I have finally conquered that mentality that I should always have her in any given event and that I can actually deal and socialize without having her around, there’s a much bigger problem at hand now. Ever since Carols of the Desert, I think I have fallen for her way more than I should have. And now, two months later, I know that what I’m feeling isn’t just simply a crush anymore. It has grown too big that I ask God bitterly why this has to occur now. I really thought I was over this when I got over Centine, but now, another person starting with the letter C has taken up way too much space in my head. This level is much harder now for this time, it concerns my best friend.
I’m in love with her in the sense that if I read 1 Corinthians 13:4-6, her name would pop up in my head and I would agree with every single word in that verse. I’m in love with her in the sense that in whatever she does, whether it’d be stupid, ambitious, or even just staying still beside me in the car or taxi, I’d be breathless and think how lucky I have been to be able to love and be loved back by her. I validated this thought of loving her for some time because I didn’t lust for her, but little did I know that it was only a matter of time. The dangerous part has come. I became too in love with her now in the sense that I want to be close to her physically. When I am with her, I want to get every chance of a hug as I can get—and holding her hand would mean everything. It seems so innocent if it’s just that, but I’m more calculative about every move concerning this than I should be. Being calculative about it helps me have self-control, but there are just times when I put meaning into every touch that I do hoping she would feel some way towards it. I cringe at myself just thinking about it now. But what’s worse is that when I am just by myself thinking about her, I unconsciously daydream about kissing her. The moment the images start in my brain, I continue it and feed it to my liking as if it was some highly-anticipated fan-fiction. At first I tried to brush it off as a weird ‘what if’ that my writer of a brain likes to do (totally blaming some of the fanfics I have read for this, and especially the Life Is Strange game), but it bothered my spirit the more it happened. It got so bad to the point that she once sent a photo in our MAJ!C group chat with her lips covered in milk after eating cereal, and instead of it being goofy, funny, and disgusting, the first thought that came to mind was that she was so cute and that I wanted to kiss her to wipe that milk away.
I seriously scared myself the second I thought of it. I couldn’t believe how quickly that desire popped out in my head. I wish I could say I was only joking to myself, but I wasn’t.
If you think about it in a sense of a normal relationship, the progression of my love for her feels totally normal and understandable. But we’re just best friends. We’re both girls. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to feel jealous every time she pays more attention to Aly. I don’t want to look at her like she was mine to begin with. God gave her to me and I can’t defile His gift like this. Besides, I feel nothing but pain knowing she won’t ever love me back the same way I love her. And if she did love me back the same way, there would be even more pain because I do not want to harm both our spirits like that.
How has it come to this? God, how? It’s not like I wanted to fall in love with her. And what’s worse is that this affection for her was a slow and gradual build that has rooted itself deep within me. Her mother shipped us way too much. The guys in Wildfire always say we’re such couple goals. And what’s worse is that Christelle herself has agreed with me that her future husband should be like a guy version of me. Our personalities match so perfectly that I sometimes feel I’ve found my soul mate right before me. If it was an alternate reality, if I was only a guy, then I would marry her in a heartbeat. I really would… These little things have gotten through my head. I wish it didn’t.
Falling in-love or loving her in every aspect and every way, not just in lust or casual immature love… I completely understand now how people says it beats any gender. Although it is painful, falling in love is so sweet and it opens up a completely new world. But because I know God, I fear for my life. I know I just have to be strong and stand my ground for at least a few more months because once I go to Korea, she’ll be out of my reach. But it’s also a problem knowing that the time I left with her is so short because I am inclined to make sure that I get the point straight to her that I loved her so deeply. Naturally, this results to me unable to keep my thoughts away from the desires of my flesh, and it gets harder the more time passes. But then again, the thought comes back. Just a few months left. I’ll be out of here. God knew this would happen to me and has purposely planned for me to go to Korea as a way for my escape.
1 Cor. 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”
One of the worst things ever about this is that I have revealed so much of my feelings to Gabriel, who by the way apparently has a crush on me now (I know, it’s weird). He has known too well how much I love Christelle, and he also knows my history of girl crushes. He teases me about me being gay sometimes, especially when I playfully flirt with Christelle in the Wildfire spam, but I just recently found out that he doesn’t actually think I am in-love with her in the sense that I want to kiss her. Actually, he thought of it, but I replied to him vaguely in gifs and now he thinks I just love her deeply as a friend. It surprised me to think that he didn’t actually know and understand the truth about me after all that I’ve said to him. It made me realize how much of an idiot he is, or I guess he just can’t read between the lines. Although Gabe and I are so close and we can talk almost about anything, the fact that he’s so slow into catching onto things and somewhat encourages the sins I do not want to pay attention to bothered me. He was not spiritually strong right from the start, so I couldn’t trust him anymore with my super personal and spiritual struggle knowing he would confuse my feelings even more. Christelle was right. I really need to distance myself from him in some sense.
To be honest, I have asked God if telling Gabriel the truth about this was the right thing. The feelings inside me have been so cramped in that I felt really suffocated. He was the only one I could actually talk about Christelle in such light, but at the same time, as I said, I couldn’t trust him anymore because he lacked wisdom and discernment to handle it. I definitely don’t want to keep lying about this to him, and I had strong urges to just get it out (especially after Chinaza has basically asked me challenging questions about lies and being yourself. See how well all these things are mending together this week?).
Oddly enough, every time I had such an urge to finally admit it to him, time would forbid us and he would say goodnight before I could even start. It happened for maybe 3 consecutive nights. I never got through with it. It made me wonder if God was saying not to admit it to him. So I waited and prayed, saying that I can’t keep it in, and that I had to say it to someone somehow. I even asked if it was right to admit this to Christelle, because of all people, I didn’t want to lie to her—though I knew and feared that admitting so will change so many things about us negatively. I definitely didn’t want us to change. I want everything to stay as is except for my feelings. So telling her right now is too much of a gamble.
But now, I’ve got it out. Laura knows.
Although Laura is just 14, she has struggled with being bi at some point in her life and she still is struggling with it. But the thing that I like about her is that she knows it is wrong and she doesn’t like herself being like this. I’ve known this about her since the early days of this AWANA school year and I never really admitted much about my own personal struggle to her—how much I can relate to her. I was just always listening to her side of the story, looking at her as if she was like my carbon copy. She even somewhat talked like me in some sense, our humor is closely related, her faith is deep-rooted and strong, and she can draw. Whenever I see and talk to her, I always felt like I was watching myself from a different perspective. She was like a living piece of my real personality.
She asked me today (Sunday) about who I found was most attractive in Wildfire. I asked her if she meant guys or girls, and she freaks out saying guys of course. Since I see attraction in both genders, I just played along and said that Joe and Sebastian are the top most attractive guys in Wildfire. I didn’t elaborate why because she immediately agreed with me on Joe.
In terms of appearance, Joe was the most handsome and most decent out of all the guys in Wildfire. Christelle had a crush on him before for a good reason. It got turned down though when she found out that Joe is actually doing long-distance with someone in the U.S. lol. But anyway, I also added in Sebastian in there because I’ve gotten to know and be comfortable with him more ever since The Big Weekend. Recently just this Friday, Emily has invited people in her house and I found myself leaning to his company out of everyone because I didn’t have Christelle or Aly. We weren’t so much interested in the card games they played in the rooftop and just jammed that afternoon—just the two of us singing praises in the midst of everyone. We were in our own world and I enjoyed it so much. Since he’s growing up and becoming more handsome now, I guess I can’t help but notice him more. Aside from knowing how spiritually stable he is in his faith (which is super attractive), he has improved so much in being a musician, and he has also been more playful now than he was before, making him an actual man possible to date before my eyes. And he’s so easy to talk to as well. If only he was nearer my age—then I would have totally had a crush on him now. But yes, if I had to come with an actual ideal type now, it’d be a mixture of him and Christelle. Basically their characteristic’s love child is my dream spouse now hahaha.
Anyway, before I get super side-tracked, I then asked Laura to tell me who the most attractive girl in Wildfire. She said it’s either Jessica or Emily, but in her opinion, if she truly had to choose, it would be Christelle. I totally agreed with her on that one. Then she asked me of my opinion. Since I got a weird look from her when I agreed with her about Christelle being the most attractive, I tried to think about it a little longer than she did. And so, I replied that Sarah (Pastor Jeramie’s daughter) is the most attractive in terms of appearance (because damn, that girl is too tall and anything looks good on her like she is some model), but in terms of the overall package, it was Christelle. I explained to her that in terms of spirituality, personality, and appearance in general, Christelle was the most attractive.
And this is where it starts. She joked if I was gay and could only look at her and laugh it off with a “no.” But it mentally destroyed me that I lied to her at that very moment. Again, Chinaza’s question about lies has seriously affected me that I’m overflowed with guilt every time I do so. Besides, I was being so obvious for the whole damn conversation, and it’s not like Laura is dumb enough not to assume that about me. I didn’t want her to have a wrong perception of me at all. And I’m someone she looks up to. I wanted to be a trust-worthy friend and an honest leader. So literally about 10 seconds after I said no, I whispered to her, “To be honest, I kind of am.” I can’t forget the emotional shock that went through her as we walked from the main hall to our Trek room.
And so, I explained to her in a note about my feelings. We talked about it all evening, discussing the similar feelings that we were going through, and that there’s this split in ourselves that loves it but at the same time hates it. I was even able to reveal that yes, I’ve wanted to kiss a girl as well (didn’t admit yet that it was Christelle tho), because she herself has had that urge before. Seron (12 year old girl who is the most talkative and strongly opinionated in the class) kept asking us what we were talking about but this is literally such a hard topic to explain and understand unless you are going through it yourself. Still, Laura and I talked openly but in careful terms. We discussed how we hated that very sin that gripped us and that we both wished God would help us get over it.
What kind of opened my eyes is that Laura was still very sensitive about this and that she was actually so stressed and emotional that she was this way. Meanwhile, although I am struggling as well, I’m less sensitive about this than I was the first times around. Because I feel like I can control myself to some extent, I feed my feelings from time to time. But it seems I’ve numbed myself to some of the things I’ve been doing. Seeing her sensitivity towards the whole thing made me think more seriously about my views. There really has to be serious change in order for me to completely stop feeling such things.
I feel like it was a very good thing for us to have admitted our feelings and talk seriously about it with a discerning heart. I honestly could talk about it with her all day because I still had so much more to say–so much more to get out of my chest. An hour just wasn’t enough. But it was a good start. There’s so much I want to relay to her and I could tell she feels the same. We need to help each other get through this.
I truly felt like a burden was lifted off of me and I legit felt so dizzy on the way home from AWANA. I don’t know how that became the effect, but I guess I’ve been holding it in for too long that getting it out to someone who completely understood me liberated me. And I thank God so much for that.
I’m just going to put this here to constantly remind myself:
17 Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. 18 They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. 19 They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. 20 But that is not the way you learned Christ!— 21 assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, 22 to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, 23 and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, 24 and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil. 28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 5 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
3 But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. 4 Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. 5 For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. 7 Therefore do not become partners with them; 8 for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light 9 (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), 10 and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. 11 Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. 12 For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. 13 But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, 14 for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says,
“Awake, O sleeper,
and arise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”
15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. 18 And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.